AIBU or is 'D'H

[leighdinglady]

My 'D' H is doing my head in.

We've just got in to a masssive row and I need some perspective.

I'm 5m pregnant. I work 4 days a week and then do different work from home on my 'day off'. I earn the same as what I always have (when I used to work 5 days), but my job is so relaxed and amazing that I often finish early and have days off. (Doesn't affect my pay). My colleagues are amazing and it's like working with friends.

I had to leave my last job and fortunately found this 4 days job. They could only afford to take me on 4 days. Everyone works part time. I thought at the time I would get overtime, but it's not happened. Doesn't really matter as I've found the extra job. I also took this job because we were TTC and I knew they would be supportive and flexible

DH hates it! He says I'm not ambitious and that I should never have taken it. That it's a doss and I'm home too much. He then starts saying that I should leave it to get a five day a week job (although it means I would earn the exact same anyway ) He won't say it but essentially he's jealous that I have a job that allows wonderful work life balance and that I love. He hates it and brings it up in arguments. He can't articulate what difference it makes to his life. It doesn't affect him financially at all.

He says he's not going to pool our finances together (all salaries in to one pot) because he doesn't think it's fair (he earns about £200 a month more than me and thinks I don't work as hard as him so shouldn't have access) At the minute we each pay the exact same amount in to a joint account and he wants to keep it like that - fuck knows how that's meant to work once a baby comes.

I have never wanted his bloody money or asked for it. We split everything down the middle.

AIBU to want to kick his head in for criticising me and acting like I'm a lazy cow just because I'm happy???

@leighdinglady I agree you need to have a long think about where this relationship is heading.

Marriage and parenting is a team approach and a partnership. It's not a competition of who works the hardest, who is the tiredest, who earns more, who is entitled to the most leisure time/family funds/nicer car etc etc. It sounds like your husband is already well down the competitive route and that way lies resentment, arguments and ultimately destroys the relationship. And this is now, while you're still pregnant - once the reality of a newborn hits the stresses of sleepless nights and new parenting is enough to strain the strongest relationships; it doesn't sound like yours is remotely the strongest at the moment.

Your husband should be happy that you have found a job which is fun, with good colleagues, that you enjoy working there, that you have a great work life balance while still earning the same as you were before. It's not a race to the bottom for you to be as miserable in your job as he is - it's an incentive for him to find a job he enjoys with good people as much as you do yours. That said it's largely about attitude and I wonder if he would ever be happy or if he would constantly be comparing.

I have recently cut down my hours (from 55 a week to 50 :) ) at my husband's suggestion to improve my work life balance, although financially we are now worse off as I am the sole earner. My husband puts my happiness above our bank balance.

You work to live, or should do. You are lucky that you have found something which pays as well which you clearly enjoy doing - you get one life, why spend it so miserable?

he'll have to put all his money in one account

What makes you say that? I wonder if he sees it like that.

I say that because I thought the same, but when our baby came it just meant he had money and I had to go cap in hand to him for the odd fiver, counted through thick rolls of tens and twenties first.

YANBU! Who does all the cleaning, cooking, laundry etc? If it's you then that should be included in your working hours! We're in a similarish situ, I've recently taken a job at lower pay and part-time/flexible hours whilst DH works long hours. I'm at home more and get all the housework done so DH does very little (he's actually totally spoilt now). He contributes more financially in return and is happy with that if it gets him out of the housework. Your DH needs to realise that there are more ways to contribute to relationship than money. What if fancies a holiday whilst you're on mat leave? "Oh your mat pay won't cover you and the child benefit won't cover dc so I'll just go alone!"

Stand your ground and definitely don't leave a job that sounds perfect for you.

what the absolute fuck?! this will get worse OP. how is this going to work when you have a baby to look after?

He sounds very controlling and doesn't want you to have any fun.

As others have said this will get worse once the baby arrives. I remember being shattered, desperate for adult company whenI was a SAHM and used to get out of the house - come what may - to grab a coffee and comradeship with my NCT mates. He accused me of only caring about my mates and having coffee all day. He didn't like me did he

He's an XH now, but I wish I'd kept my lovely job. Stay in your lovely job and stay financially independent. People are right - have the big finance conversation before you give birth. Lay it on the line. If he is cheese-paring now about how hard you supposedly work, and why he shouldn't contribute as much as he should...then he needs to understand what exactly is 'fair'.

Have you got lots of friend and family support in RL? Make sure you have lots of support and people to see after the first few weeks. The first weeks after birth can be very isolating, add a controlling husband into the mix and you would very quickly find yourself quite lonely and wrong-footed all the time. I was lucky, I had/have a great mum and great friends nearby.

P.s. Well done for even diagnosing the problem with your DH now - is easy to go into denial than to actually face up to what is happening. Pregnancy and early babyhood is not actually pink clouds and happiness. It was quite dark for me, so don't worry about confiding in someone if it's not all rainbows.

my DP and I pay all income into joint account which pays for the baby, house everything inc food and most stuff we do together. we each take 500 pcm for our personal accounts for everything else. i make no money, i look after the baby, but we are equals.

Omg he's being a dick.. what is £200 a month anyway? Boot him in the hole and tell him to wake the fuck up!

YANBU. DP earns £600 a month more than me. We have an account for bills which we both pay into. We both pay into it to cover bills but we work it out that we're both left with the same amount of money afterwards. So DP pays more than double what I do! I only work part time and he's fine with that. He hasn't once asked me to get a better paid job with more hours so he doesn't have to pay as much.

To an extent, I can kinda see where he's coming from when you're both working. He thinks you would have the same earning potential as him if you took a job that you hated as much as he hates his, and doesn't see why you should split things evenly when you actually enjoy earning your money and he sees his job as torture.

However... you're pregnant. At some point you're going to stop earning money and he'll have to share the lot of it anyway.

Bearing in mind his attitude towards working, have you discussed whether you intend to return to work after having the baby and if so, what sort of timeframe that might be? I can sense this being the next major argument.

This is not going to get better after the baby is born, if he is jealous and resentful now rather than being happy for you he is also probably the kind of guy who will also be resentful of the fact that he won't be the centre of attention when your baby is born. The fact that he is already dropping hints about his expectations of all the things you will pick up when you are on maternity leave does not bode well. It sounds like he is the kind of jerk who will expect you to do everything then throw the fact that you are not working outside the home in your face. You need to have a very open and honest conversation now, or make some tough decisions.

This really doesn't sound good, OP.

He should be HAPPY for you - happy that you have a job you love, that you have flexible working hours, that you are happy. If he dislikes his own job, then he should do something about it, not try and bring you down into misery with him too. It's the dog in the manger - if he's unhappy, then you must be unhappy too (never mind trying to improve his own situation).

It really doesn't bode well. But I suspect you know that already.

Mums on crack
So many men on here seem to want to sabotage their wives/partners.
The very people that should have your back are the ones stabbing you in it!
Hence the term husbenemy.
Obviously this is a forum mainly used by women and that is why I say "so many men on here."
Equally a wife who sabotages would be a wifenemy. Etc etc

you need to charge him rent for the baby it is half his baby. I mean you are putting up baby for free in there... apart from all the damage

charge him for half the value of your maternity clothes.
charge him for half the cost of replacing your shoes if your feet have grown
charge him for all maternity pads/breast pads/ providing childcare

alternative leave the petty bastard. i really do not htink this is going to go well. he does not sound like a partner... more competition for resources.

Oh OP it's only going to get worse. He is awful, he's treating you terribly even before the baby arrives. You would be better off doing it without him. Sorry he's being such a bastard. I just don't get some men, I really don't.

Some people are just miserable. No matter what they do or where they are, they'll find a reason. I think you 'bagged' one of those. Don't make his misery your future life. And your child's.

OP your DH sounds like someone who sucks the joy out of everyone's life.........

I don't understand why he can't be happy for you.....
Please, please do not become financially dependent on him.....

@KarmaNoMore

Agreed 😳 How sad that he's like this.

I'm sorry but my husband would have been delighted if I'd found such a relaxing job during my pregnancy, or indeed, at any other time. I am more than a bit jealous of my husband's office perks, which are a lot better than my own, but would never kick up a fuss and ask him to leave his job. Your husband needs to learn to get over this quick. This job sounds amazing and hard to come by, especially with your baby on the way. He shouldn't dictate what sort of job you should get when you are paying your half of the bills fair and square.

Hes always said he'd never pay more towards the bills because he works harder.
He loves the hen-pecked hard done to role

What made you think he'd be good husband and father material? He's been telling you for years who he is. Please start listening.

Good luck with the pregnancy. I really hope he doesn't turn financially abusive and expect you to live on maternity pay and expect childcare to come out of your wages. I also hope he steps up to being a father and doesn't treat your ml like a holiday, as per his comments regarding dog walking.

You don't have to be stuck with him if he is unable to change. Divorce sounds as if it will be acrimonious. But not impossible. Especially as you are financially dependant. Please monitor his behaviour. You sound lovely and as if you have a good sense of fairness. Please don't let his beliefs infect your child.

Seriously, OP, has he always been like this? Or is this a recent development?

For me, this would be a deal breaker.

Morning everyone and thank you. He's not always been like this. TBH I probably did used to be more ambitious and when we first met I was in a very demanding job that had me working all hours - it was bloody hard work but we both enjoyed the status. I also got paid more than him then.

Once we started ttc my focus changed and I now don't want to focus on going up the ladder, or starting up on my own etc, my focus was ttc and being in a job that would allow the flexibility for me to return to work after the baby doing pretty much however many hours I want. And yes, I admit, I bloody love not having to work nights/weekends and being able to knock off early! There's more to life right?!

Someone below has summed him up pretty well. He's super competitive. It is 'who works the hardest' and 'how has that person got such a big car when I don't etc' - I've told him how unattractive that is.

It's only the past year or so that he's been so bitter about my work. It's usually little jokey comments though. "half day?! Haha" when I walk in at 5 etc. But I know there's a resentment behind it.

I won't be leaving my job and will be returning after ML. I'm also not leaving him - for now. But I'll be having bloody strong words with him and opening up all our ebanking accounts (moths might fly out of his laptop) to access how this is going to work. I must admit our relationship in on pretty thin ice, but I'm not one to throw in the towel just yet

How long have you two been together?

9 years