AIBU or is 'D'H

[leighdinglady]

My 'D' H is doing my head in.

We've just got in to a masssive row and I need some perspective.

I'm 5m pregnant. I work 4 days a week and then do different work from home on my 'day off'. I earn the same as what I always have (when I used to work 5 days), but my job is so relaxed and amazing that I often finish early and have days off. (Doesn't affect my pay). My colleagues are amazing and it's like working with friends.

I had to leave my last job and fortunately found this 4 days job. They could only afford to take me on 4 days. Everyone works part time. I thought at the time I would get overtime, but it's not happened. Doesn't really matter as I've found the extra job. I also took this job because we were TTC and I knew they would be supportive and flexible

DH hates it! He says I'm not ambitious and that I should never have taken it. That it's a doss and I'm home too much. He then starts saying that I should leave it to get a five day a week job (although it means I would earn the exact same anyway ) He won't say it but essentially he's jealous that I have a job that allows wonderful work life balance and that I love. He hates it and brings it up in arguments. He can't articulate what difference it makes to his life. It doesn't affect him financially at all.

He says he's not going to pool our finances together (all salaries in to one pot) because he doesn't think it's fair (he earns about £200 a month more than me and thinks I don't work as hard as him so shouldn't have access) At the minute we each pay the exact same amount in to a joint account and he wants to keep it like that - fuck knows how that's meant to work once a baby comes.

I have never wanted his bloody money or asked for it. We split everything down the middle.

AIBU to want to kick his head in for criticising me and acting like I'm a lazy cow just because I'm happy???

It's very unpleasant that he's not giving you the space to slow down (and for pete's sake, you are still earning money? WTF) while you're pregnant. Terribly unchivalrous and unkind.

Good luck OP.

When I fell pregnant I was in a fixed term job and ended when I went on ml. Trying to find a job to fit around school hours is hard. If you have a job that allows it now, don't let go!!!

My hubby is completely different and I feel very lucky!

My view is that I would not be happy bringing up a baby around a person who is always so competitive and never happy as it rubs off. As I said though, that is only my view and I do not know you or your husband so cannot pretty to know best or be judgemental

Do you have any support nearby to help you with the baby?

Pressed send early... good luck with the pregnant and birth and whatever path you go down hugs

whocan unfortunately not. My closest family is three hours away. I might go there this weekend though. Leave the misery guts home to stew - he'll be very happy

you need to charge him rent for the baby it is half his baby. I mean you are putting up baby for free in there...

This made me laugh so loud I made the dog bark. But yes, he's a twat.

How does he know he "works harder" anyway? Being at work for more hours doesn't mean he's working any harder, I'm sure we've all had colleagues who spend so much time faffing about that they do a fraction of what anyone else does in the same amount of time.

It sounds like he hates his job and resents you loving yours. He needs to find another job.

The 'super competitive' comment worries me a little. When your baby comes along it may well be a competition about who is the most tired, whose has the least amount of sleep etc. It's a really easy trap to fall into.

Your H sounds like a dick OP. How dare he say you're lazy and shouldn't be in the house so much? Who bloody cares?! So, hypothetically, if you went to work one day a week and earned the same as him, he wouldn't be happy still as he works harder and you're lazy? The fuck kind of nonsense is that?

Seriously though OP, how's he going to manage when the baby comes? And how are you going to manage when you most definitely do need access to his finances? Baby's are expensive things! 90% of our stuff for DD was/is second hand and she still costs alot! Our milk alone is £9 a tub! Little things add up and you will burn through your mat pay in no time, especially paying bills etc too!

Now, my partner is no angel in fact he's a right pain in the arse sonetimes but before DD was born I told him I wouldn't be going back to work until she was at least 18 months and then I'd most likely only do 2/3 days a week if that. It's hard with him being the only earner as he doesn't earn alot, but, that's how it is and we make it work. I get a set amount per month (literally all we can afford) and I make that amount work for food, baby bits etc. And he pays everything else. Would your DH be willing to do the same with you?

He's pathetic!

I earn 10k more than DP doing a job I love. Its shifts and unsocial hours.

He works Mon to Fri 9-5 (although some days it's more like 10.30-3.30 if his visits fall that way)

He's never had a job he likes more and I'd much rather have a happy boyfriend with lots of time for me than a stressed one. I am pregnant and love that baby is also going to have lots of time with both of us.

He doesn't sound worth the aggro and doesn't sound like he has your best interests at heart. That's the very least we should expect from a partner!

But OP for all this talk about equality, life isn't equal. Biology isn't equal. In 5 months he gets to have a baby! In 5 months you get to somehow birth a live human being out of your nether regions and then potentially be breastfeeding for some time, and cope with all the changes to your body etc etc.

I hate seeing threads like this on MN. It's depressing. Why do women agree to put their bodies and careers and lives through so much change and turmoil for the sake of kids and then men just adopt the convenient rule of to each his own? how and why is the process of gestating a child and doing childcare in the early years all valued at precisely 0.

Gah!

Your DH sounds like a wanker who needs a reality check.

You do realise the baby will be your job, don't you?

After all, your job's a doss and you have all that free time?

So even when you go back to work, the house, the baby (and probably the dog) will be yours.

And he won't even contribute more financially.

Good luck!

The baby is going to be a bit of a shock. Having one person in a flexible but good job is a huge bonus when the baby arrives.
I agree with pp in making sure he pays for half of everything and does drop offs etc.(as an aside my DH pays for all the childcare we need as I already paid by restricting my hours and therefore pay )

And you are having a child with him because....?

It's very hard to be sympathetic on thread after thread of women who are living with / expecting a child with absolute tossers.

Seriously, does nobody bother to actually find out what a new partner is really like - and having discussions about important matters such as finances before committing?

thevice good job I wasn't looking for your sympathy then.

Ooh this would piss me off. I would make it my mission to overtake him earnings-wise and do exactly the same right back. (if he had other major redeeming qualities that meant I still wanted to be with him)

how and why is the process of gestating a child and doing childcare in the early years all valued at precisely 0.

This.

So why are you posting then? It is blindingly obvious that you are NOT being unreasonable.

So what do you want from this post?

So he's always been "competitive" and from the sounds of it belittling your earning / car etc etc and this has got worse since you started TTC. So did you not think it would be an idea to resolve this before continuing TTC?

I hope to god you have a good pot of money saved up and don't end up in the situation where you are running up debts to pay for yourself and the child / your share of the house etc whilst he stashes HIS cash away.

I say HIS cash because that is how he will view it. Obviously that's wrong, but the signs are pretty clear.

I've seen someone get into that situation where she had to sell alot of her personal items and lived on the breadline in order to pay 50% of the mortgage and bills whilst on maternity, and also had to pay for all her own shopping - and for the child.

Her other half was a total wanker and sounded very similar to yours in the beginning. She never did get any money out of him and it took her a long time to clear the debts she racked up.

Out of interest, do you mind me asking what it is you do for work? Sounds like a very good, family friendly job!

Vice he's hardly a 'new partner' they've been together for 9 years.

My BIL was the greatest guy ever for the first 6 years he was with my sister. Always there for her, would do anything for anyone, desperate for DC. Fast forward to when the baby appeared and it became clear that he didn't like to share the limelight with a baby and didn't like not being the centre of my sister's world any more. Had an affair and left her for someone with no children and, I quote, no burden. People sometimes turn into dicks over the years.

You can't blame the OP for her husband behaving like a wanker.

I didn't say the OPs partner was new - the last line of my first post was generic as similar threads come up time and time again.

From the OPs updates its pretty apparent that this has been getting worse and more pronounced as time has gone on. I'm certainly not blaming the OP for her other halfs knobbish behaviour - but equally people do have to take responsibility for continuing to TTC with someone when it is clear that a major issue is developing - to quote the OP:

"Someone below has summed him up pretty well. He's super competitive. It is 'who works the hardest' and 'how has that person got such a big car when I don't etc' - I've told him how unattractive that is.

It's only the past year or so that he's been so bitter about my work. It's usually little jokey comments though. "half day?! Haha" when I walk in at 5 etc. But I know there's a resentment behind it. "

So if your partner is already resenting you "only" working til 5pm, surely common sense dictates that you've an issue you must resolve BEFORE conceiving and being on maternity leave as it's not exactly a bit leap to predict that someone behaving to twattishly will view maternity as a holiday and up the anti on the wanker stakes.

Anyway - OP, you are absolutely not unreasonable - and it's good you are going to have it out with him etc. But please make sure you have a decent some of money set aside so you aren't completely stuck should his attitude not change.

Sorry he's such a dick.
Agree that he's not going to improve when the baby arrives and you're on mat leave - he'll probably do the dick move of asking what you've been doing all day, and surely babies sleep 90% of the time?

Up to you whether you decide to stick with it, but I can pretty much guarantee that he'll never improve, just become more embittered and sneery at your lack of ambition.

I can't really see what you see in him, he sounds petty, vindictive, shallow and mean. Not very attractive qualities.

Fair enough vice, I just think it's as simple as you make it sound, IYKWIM? I'm sure the OP loves her DH, even if he is a dick. I love my DH though he can also be a twat sometimes. Sometimes we find ourselves in situations that we know we should have foreseen, but didn't.