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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have told this woman I don't want to be her friend?

832 replies

EddysWildHair · 03/08/2017 12:15

DS started school last September. I always try and avoid the school gates as I don't want to socialise whilst there but for the past 6 months or so this Prisoner Cell Block H woman has forced her company into me. I just don't like her or want to socialise with her! I've tried standing in different places, ignoring her as much as pos without being totally rude and telling her I'm busy when she asks about going for coffees etc but she just won't fuck off.

Since summer holidays started the school have ran a play group for the little ones so I've been taking DS. This morning she turns up, seeks me out and then starts waffling on about how much her DS has missed mine and how great it is that we can continue seeing each other through the summer holidays. Today she caught me on one of my less tolerant days so I said to her "to be honest, I'm not here to socialise, I like my own company so if I don't seem very friendly, don't take it personally". She said "oh no I'm the same! I like to just come here and then go home, not stand chatting!". I replied "good, well I'll see you around then" and walked to the other side of the room.

5 minutes later she came across to me and said "have you seen how well they play together? Isn't it nice! I was thinking, the leisure centre do a sports club for little ones, why don't we meet up there next week?".

Now I'm sorry but I feel I've been more than patient!!! So I said "because like I told you, I like my own company and don't want to socialise". She replied "but it's not for us, it's for the little ones?". So I snapped and said "why do you constantly say "little ones"? It's really annoying. Anyway can you please leave me alone, I don't want to talk to you. I've tried to be polite but I shouldn't have to keep repeating myself! You're spoiling my time here!". She gasped and said "wow, who pissed on your side of the bed this morning! I was just being friendly!" So I said "and now you've seen my not so nice side and the reason I don't socialise so can you please fuck off?".

She did fuck off but not before reporting me to the group leaders!!! Before anyone says it I know I'm not a nice person but that's why I choose not to socialise!! I'd told her numerous times politely to leave me alone!!! AIBU to think it's her fault we ended up arguining as she just wouldn't take no for an answer???

OP posts:
LoisWilkersonsLastNerve · 03/08/2017 13:30

Can someone come over to my house and unravel me? I've cringed myself into a knot. That poor woman, good on you for apologising op. It clearly wasn't your finest hour.

NoodleNinja · 03/08/2017 13:30

I wouldn't worry about any of the other parents wanting to be friends with you now. You'll be known as 'that lunatic' who doesn't know how to control her anger.

Nobody will be approaching you at the school gates/play area. Job done.

katronfon · 03/08/2017 13:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

stressedbeyond123 · 03/08/2017 13:32

OMG! i hope to god your child doesn't try to make friends and gets treated in the same manner you have treated this poor woman!

SnoozeTime · 03/08/2017 13:32

Wow! I was Shock at your behaviour on pg 1 but I see you excelled in being even more rude and obnoxious as you progressed. That poor woman, she has had a narrow escape

StormTreader · 03/08/2017 13:32

Someone who has been trying to push an unwanted friendship for SIX MONTHS and has totally ignored all the many many cues is probably also the kind of person who follows up with "Oh, I dont have childcare, could you just....? I'm a bit short on cash today, could you possibly....?"

Theres often a reason that pushy people are pushy, its because they want something they think they can get you to give them.

Anecdoche · 03/08/2017 13:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Aeroflotgirl · 03/08/2017 13:33

Its very sad op, she is trying to be friendly, and mabey the dc do get on together. Sometimes you have to brave it for the sake of your dc. I feel sorry for the poor woman, she sounds like me at times. For example I noticed at nursery that my ds and H ds get on together, they both seem to like each other. My ds told me that A was his best friend. So I try to get to know the mum, invite them round, but get short shrift. I gave up in the end, and figured that they can play together at nursery and at school when they started last September. She has time for people on her approved list, and invited other children from nursery and school to her house, but me and ds obviously did not make the mark.

I am glad ds is not in the same class as her ds in September, that I don't have to see her.

demirose87 · 03/08/2017 13:33

Why doesn't she sound nice? Yes she may be annoying, doesn't mean she's a nice person. She's trying to be sociable and extend her child's friendships, if anyone's horrible here, its the OP, but I'm finding it hard to believe this all bollocks.

IdoHaveAName · 03/08/2017 13:34

I thought martial arts was all about respect and self control. I dread to think what sort of class you're running.

RortyCrankle · 03/08/2017 13:34

itstoolateforthisbollox
Some of these responses are mad. I can only assume you are like the woman in the OP, pestering people for months on end despite them clearly wanting to be left alone. If the woman was a man you would see it as inappropriate and harassment. Just because they have a kid the same age its not only ok but OP is a twat for not wanting to be pestered for EVER?

EXACTLY. How long is the OP supposed to put up with this thicko bombarding her every time they meet? Six months? A year? Forever? Hell no.

Still waiting to hear what else the OP could have said to get through to her apart from fuck off.

mintich · 03/08/2017 13:34

Is this even real?

LogicalPsycho · 03/08/2017 13:35

She also wasn't very nice to report you to the group leader. For all she knew, you were just having a very bad day.

Shock

So shouting and swearing at someone should just be overlooked, because the person raging at you -in front of your child- might have just been 'having a bad day'? Good to know Hmm

If an upset woman posted that she reported a male colleague to HR for verbally abusing her, I'd love to see the responses to someone saying,
"YWBU to report it..for all you know he's just had a bad day"

There's no excuse for being a vicious and abusive person, ever.

Nikephorus · 03/08/2017 13:35

I'm going against the grain. I think the OP wants her own company and gave off very, very clear social cues to this effect over the last 6 months. This woman ignored them repeatedly. Even when the cues because explicit "I like my own company" the woman continued to push the OP harder and harder.
I agree. Yes the OP was rude, but if you've had 6 months of this then the resentment and frustration build up and eventually spill over. Some people are really thick-skinned and don't get it so what are you supposed to do? Being polite didn't work.
I do like how a lot of people are slagging OP off for one episode of rudeness, oblivious to the fact they're being rude also, just without the 6 months of build-up that OP got....

jajabonks · 03/08/2017 13:36

No I don't think yabu
You tried gently to tell her and she wasn't getting it. What else are you supposed to do

flownthecoopkiwi · 03/08/2017 13:37

if you don't want to talk, just do what most people do - take your phone and check mumsnet or murmur something vague about work emails and then read your kindle.

We all have days when we don't want to be social - some more than others - but there are polite ways of doing it.

CorbynsBumFlannel · 03/08/2017 13:37

Making small talk for a few minutes at the school gates and chatting at a toddler group isn't 'pestering someone for months!' If that was the case every parent in my kids class has been pestering me since reception! I don't always WANT to speak to parents who pass the time of day but I much less want to be known as the parent who tells people to 'fuck off' (and have that reflect on my child).
And I would certainly (and have) put the effort in with parents who I wouldn't normally mix with if my child and theirs get on. Putting your child's needs before tour own is what you have to do when you are a parent.

itstoolateforthisbollox · 03/08/2017 13:37

Why doesn't she sound nice? Yes she may be annoying, doesn't mean she's a nice person

Because she won't leave a person alone despite being rebuffed, politely and then not so politely, for SIX MONTHS. She is practically a stalker.

If someone said to you "look I didn't come to socialise and would rather be left alone" would you come back 5 mins later and ask to meet up next week somewhere else?
How socially inept would you have to be?

Jackiebrambles · 03/08/2017 13:37

Couldn't she just have said 'Please go away' rather than 'fuck off'?

I mean the woman would have still thought she was an arse I imagine. But not a rude, sweary arse!

Anatidae · 03/08/2017 13:37

I'm really introverted and have very little desire for social contact. My son is a happy little guy who loves people so that has kind of made me realise that actually, for his sake, I have to play the game a bit.
It doesn't make me have to like everyone or turn into a social butterfly, but I do have to exchange a bit of chit chat at nursery and tag along to soft play for parties. I am shrivelling inside when I do, it kills me, but I'm polite and smiley to the parents and I thank them and ds has a great time.
We often do have to do things we dislike for our kids. I'd ask your son if this boy is someone he does want to play with. If not then polite deflection is your way. If he does then arrange a play date.

I'd be very wary of being outright rude. You never know how it will blow back on you one day. And it has the potential to 'other' your son for bullies.

It also has consequence for the woman herself. Maybe she is thick skinned, but maybe her son really likes yours. Maybe she's anxious. Maybe she's desperate for a friend. Maybe she's having a breakdown and your words have tipped her over the edge. It's only very, very rarely I'm rude. You simply don't know what the other person is going through.

You do sound like the school gate mums are beneath you. They're just mums (and dads) that's all. Just regular people going about their days.

I think you should apologise to school gate mum. We do all have to undergo social interactions and sometimes we don't like them, but for the sake of your son I'd grim and bear it.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 03/08/2017 13:37

You were clearly at the end of your tether and lost your temper.

I think apologising to her and telling her why you reacted that way is a good thing to do as long as she remains clear you're not inviting a friendship you don't want .

I second the posters who said some of the responses here are as bad as OP's outburst, you chastise her by calling her a wanker, twat , 'not right in the head' Hmmand other expletives.

LondonNicki · 03/08/2017 13:38

You spoke like that in front of children? That and everything else you did and said was unreasonable to answer your question.

Aeroflotgirl · 03/08/2017 13:38

For the record, her social skills probably were not up to the mark, I would have stayed away 5 months ago if I were her, she does sound a bit tiring. Honestly the more you post, the more unpleasant you sound, I would rather be in her company tbh.

AlpacaPicnic · 03/08/2017 13:38

I get you op.
Six months of trying to be clear that you are not interested would be five months too long for me.

Bluntness100 · 03/08/2017 13:38

Also sounds to me like a few sentences in the playground and arranging a play date, seems fairly normal interaction to me and not some weird stalker.

Definitely more of a back issue with the op if she finds school runs the hardest thing she's ever had to do, will be late so the woman doesn't briefly speak to her, avoids all other mums, prefers blokes, doesn't want to talk about kids, finds the phrase little ones so annoying she has to tell people and will go to the extreme of telling this woman to fuck off and says things like now you've seen my not so nice side and that's why I don't socialise and tells us she knows she isn't a nice person.

Something very not right there.