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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have told this woman I don't want to be her friend?

832 replies

EddysWildHair · 03/08/2017 12:15

DS started school last September. I always try and avoid the school gates as I don't want to socialise whilst there but for the past 6 months or so this Prisoner Cell Block H woman has forced her company into me. I just don't like her or want to socialise with her! I've tried standing in different places, ignoring her as much as pos without being totally rude and telling her I'm busy when she asks about going for coffees etc but she just won't fuck off.

Since summer holidays started the school have ran a play group for the little ones so I've been taking DS. This morning she turns up, seeks me out and then starts waffling on about how much her DS has missed mine and how great it is that we can continue seeing each other through the summer holidays. Today she caught me on one of my less tolerant days so I said to her "to be honest, I'm not here to socialise, I like my own company so if I don't seem very friendly, don't take it personally". She said "oh no I'm the same! I like to just come here and then go home, not stand chatting!". I replied "good, well I'll see you around then" and walked to the other side of the room.

5 minutes later she came across to me and said "have you seen how well they play together? Isn't it nice! I was thinking, the leisure centre do a sports club for little ones, why don't we meet up there next week?".

Now I'm sorry but I feel I've been more than patient!!! So I said "because like I told you, I like my own company and don't want to socialise". She replied "but it's not for us, it's for the little ones?". So I snapped and said "why do you constantly say "little ones"? It's really annoying. Anyway can you please leave me alone, I don't want to talk to you. I've tried to be polite but I shouldn't have to keep repeating myself! You're spoiling my time here!". She gasped and said "wow, who pissed on your side of the bed this morning! I was just being friendly!" So I said "and now you've seen my not so nice side and the reason I don't socialise so can you please fuck off?".

She did fuck off but not before reporting me to the group leaders!!! Before anyone says it I know I'm not a nice person but that's why I choose not to socialise!! I'd told her numerous times politely to leave me alone!!! AIBU to think it's her fault we ended up arguining as she just wouldn't take no for an answer???

OP posts:

WhataHexIgotinto · 03/08/2017 13:17

Well OP, at least you're making the effort. Hope it goes ok.

MorrisZapp · 03/08/2017 13:17

I'm a moody cow myself but christ it's ten minutes a day, usually less. Have a nice hot cup of calm the fuck down.

CorbynsBumFlannel · 03/08/2017 13:18

The op has said herself that she isn't a nice person. That's fine if it is only her she is repelling people from. As she has a child her behaviour effects him as well and if it is causing people to avoid her and keep their children away from him that isn't fair.

FatGirlWithChocolate · 03/08/2017 13:18

I get that she was annoying you, but there are ways of speaking to people, and that wasn't one of them. I think you owe her a HUGE heartfelt apology. Have you considered that she might be lonely and struggling a bit, and just trying really hard to make a friend or fit in? I shouldn't think you care much, but you might really have hurt her and smashed her confidence to pieces. You don't have the right to do that. Make it right, for both your sakes.

Cutiemark84 · 03/08/2017 13:19

My mum has got asd and she would never swear, but she says horrible things. It is embarassing so I just apologise for her or don't take her. Your son will probably grow up like me.

itstoolateforthisbollox · 03/08/2017 13:19

I think you're all being very harsh to the OP. She tried being polite, she tried avoiding the woman, she tried being busy and brushing her off...and the woman still wouldn't leave her alone.

We don't owe it to other people to make friends with them if we don't want to. We don't have to be nice to people who are not being nice to us. We do not have to make ourselves uncomfortable to make others feel better.

What happened to "no is a complete sentence"?

Lostforaname · 03/08/2017 13:20

I felt properly anxious reading this. I suspect I am the other woman, the one who can't take a hint. I am very anxious socially and have to force myself to make any sort of overture, and I'm sure I get it wrong and come on too strong or miss cues.

I think she is probably devastated. I feel shaky just imagining it. I find parenting friendships very tricky but am persevering because I currently spend so much of my spare time in child-centred situations and don't see much of many other people. I also don't remotely want to talk about children all day but it's the obvious, and relatively safe, thing to break the ice with initially. It's sad if someone thinks I have nothing else to say at all.

OnionKnight · 03/08/2017 13:20

You sound like a twat OP but you're entitled to be one, just don't be surprised when it blows back at you.

I can be unsociable too but never in a million years have I ever been as rude as you.

strawberrygate · 03/08/2017 13:21

op if i was the other woman and you apologised, I'd smile and say don't worry about it, we all have bad days etc.
I would continue to loathe you though and your martial arts leaflet would be used to wipe my arse on.
Oh, and I'd also find excuses for my child never to go to your house or anything you were organising as i don't like my children to be around nasty people

CorbynsBumFlannel · 03/08/2017 13:21

Do you work op? If so how do you react when your boss/clients/customers/colleagues make friendly chat that is unwanted by you?
I think apologising is a very good idea by the way.

JennyOnAPlate · 03/08/2017 13:22

I'm genuinely surprised that you haven't been banned from the group op.

You are doing the right thing by apologising.

Cutiemark84 · 03/08/2017 13:22

I wouldn't worry about it Lost. My mum has called people pests, chavs, weirdos. Her favourite is anyone normal around here? It is 100% always her that is the weird one though.

Bluntness100 · 03/08/2017 13:22

If I was her I wouldn't accept your apology. I'd nod and move away. And I would stop my child socialising with yours because I'd be worried about the fact he had a phsyco mother and wouldn't want to be round her, or my child to be round her. And if I'm brutally honest I'd let the other mums know there was significant issues there in case their children went near her.

Why, because I wouldn't be sure if you could behave like that to an adult, how you'd behave if a child annoyed you.

And what's so annoying about the phrase " little ones". I'd defintely be seeking help if I was you for anger management, anxiety and whatever else you're struggling with.

DistanceCall · 03/08/2017 13:22

Perhaps the OP overdid it, but the other woman just wouldn't. get. the. hint.

Sometimes you just don't want to socialise. Other people should respect that.

OP, next time just keep saying, "No, thank you, I'd rather not". And fiddle with your phone.

Aridane · 03/08/2017 13:22

Posting so I can see deletion message

RortyCrankle · 03/08/2017 13:23

YANBU OP - the woman is obviously stupid.

I don't know what you're all on but perhaps you could suggest what OP should have said to this woman when she has told her repeatedly that she doesn't want to be friends, little ones or not? How many times does she have to politely explain she is not interested?

I've had experience of this (non-child related). Some people are determined to be your friend even though you, as politely as you can, tell them repeatedly, over and over - no thank you. Really unless you are prepared to have this happening into infinity, there is only one solution - to spell it out in words of one syllable once and for all that you are simply not interested. It doesn't make you a bad person, you can't be friends with the whole fucking world.

itstoolateforthisbollox · 03/08/2017 13:25

Some of these responses are mad. I can only assume you are like the woman in the OP, pestering people for months on end despite them clearly wanting to be left alone.

If the woman was a man you would see it as inappropriate and harassment. Just because they have a kid the same age its not only ok but OP is a twat for not wanting to be pestered for EVER?

flownthecoopkiwi · 03/08/2017 13:25

introvert here too, and never been that rude.

BhajiAllTheWay · 03/08/2017 13:26

Sounds like you're blowing this out of all proportion. You "hate it more than anything else you've had to do??" Seriously?Ever? A bit of inane chitchat at the gate is arousing all of this anger? How do you even know you cant find common ground among the parents if youve made up your mind based on...er....nothing really!
If it's all so terrible is there a DH who can collect your son? Anyone else?

Epipgab · 03/08/2017 13:27

"if I don't seem very friendly, don't take it personally"

You were being unfriendly because you don't like her, so of course it was personal. Why say that when you did mean it personally? It would have just confused her and made her think you liked her despite your unfriendliness.

SlothMama · 03/08/2017 13:28

Take the stick out of your arse OP

demirose87 · 03/08/2017 13:28

Poor woman, she sounds like a nice person, maybe she's a little annoying to you but there was no reason to be so nasty. You have probably hurt that woman more than you will ever realise. If you want to lead an isolated life, carry on...

Stressalot42 · 03/08/2017 13:29

This is a wind up!

oldbirdy · 03/08/2017 13:30

it's too late it depends what you mean by "pestering" . As far as we know, this woman isn't phoning or texting the op, or going round her house, or sending notes home with her son, or anything. Her 'pestering' seems to involve a sentence or two on the playground and a couple of friendly sentences at a toddler group where their sons were playing together. In OP's head that might have seemed unreasonable. In my head, it seems like an ordinary parent making early overtures to their son's friend's mother, the first feelings out towards organising playing together out of school. Not stalking by any ordinary means.

itstoolateforthisbollox · 03/08/2017 13:30

Poor woman, she sounds like a nice person

No she doesn't.

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