To have told this woman I don't want to be her friend?

[EddysWildHair]

DS started school last September. I always try and avoid the school gates as I don't want to socialise whilst there but for the past 6 months or so this Prisoner Cell Block H woman has forced her company into me. I just don't like her or want to socialise with her! I've tried standing in different places, ignoring her as much as pos without being totally rude and telling her I'm busy when she asks about going for coffees etc but she just won't fuck off.

Since summer holidays started the school have ran a play group for the little ones so I've been taking DS. This morning she turns up, seeks me out and then starts waffling on about how much her DS has missed mine and how great it is that we can continue seeing each other through the summer holidays. Today she caught me on one of my less tolerant days so I said to her "to be honest, I'm not here to socialise, I like my own company so if I don't seem very friendly, don't take it personally". She said "oh no I'm the same! I like to just come here and then go home, not stand chatting!". I replied "good, well I'll see you around then" and walked to the other side of the room.

5 minutes later she came across to me and said "have you seen how well they play together? Isn't it nice! I was thinking, the leisure centre do a sports club for little ones, why don't we meet up there next week?".

Now I'm sorry but I feel I've been more than patient!!! So I said "because like I told you, I like my own company and don't want to socialise". She replied "but it's not for us, it's for the little ones?". So I snapped and said "why do you constantly say "little ones"? It's really annoying. Anyway can you please leave me alone, I don't want to talk to you. I've tried to be polite but I shouldn't have to keep repeating myself! You're spoiling my time here!". She gasped and said "wow, who pissed on your side of the bed this morning! I was just being friendly!" So I said "and now you've seen my not so nice side and the reason I don't socialise so can you please fuck off?".

She did fuck off but not before reporting me to the group leaders!!! Before anyone says it I know I'm not a nice person but that's why I choose not to socialise!! I'd told her numerous times politely to leave me alone!!! AIBU to think it's her fault we ended up arguining as she just wouldn't take no for an answer???

There's no excuse for being a vicious and abusive person, ever

Being harassed for 6 months is a fairly good excuse actually.

If a man asked you out several times after you'd told them no, you wouldn't have a problem with what the OP said as a response.

That poor woman
I am glad that you are going to apologise. Don't be surprised if she pours her coffee on you though, you were so out of order.
I think, rather than being so sneery of other people, you need to grow up and realise that your actions really affect others. Also, what sort of example are you setting to your son?

Sorry was meant to say not a bad person. I don't think the woman had really done anything to warrant being called a stalker. She only chats to the OP and has asked to meet up with their children. I don't think that condones being so rude to someone.

I see where you are coming from and think the woman should have backed off. It's just a shame you didn't get control of this earlier. You lost out by losing it. There is nothing to say you have to go to playgroups so if it's not working for you then give it a miss. Your child gets plenty of socialising at school.

You need to get over yourself a bit. All this stuff about not wanting to just talk about your kids like all those other boring mothers. Newsflash most of us feel the same way. The kid talk is just an inroad into something more interesting, or just happens to be what you have in common. Most of us have more to us and just want someone to idle away a boring session at playgroup.

You don't need to socialise at the school gates. My DS is in year 5 now so I drop at gates and collect bang on time. I don't enjoy the small talk after all these years and I guess most people feel the same.

OP, I am with you on this. I think you've had a slaughtering you don't deserve. By the sounds of it you've been polite over the past year to the point of frustration. Any other situation you'd have people pointing out lack of boundaries, etc.

I wouldn't apologise, but I'd go with the flyer idea, just say your son goes to this group which you (presumably) help out at and this is the info if her son is interested. Be very matter of fact.

As for actively avoiding this woman at school, you need to be brave and realise it's not forever. Keep your phone out and minimal responses always works. Good luck!

Oh god. Ok so you did handle all of that SPECTACULARLY badly. Like, I can quite see why people are piling on given that you swore at her - that's totally beyond the pale, and I'm glad to see you're going to apologise.

But - I do have a lot of sympathy for you. You've been clearly playing the social game of giving signals and clues out over the last 6 months and she's not picking them up, and you've got all anxious about it (I suffer badly from anxiety so can see where the explosion came from).

So I think hearty apology then work on some "I really don't want to" sentences that are much clearer and much less opaque. Get some headphones for the playground. Anything that is really really obviously DON'T TALK TO ME.

If that's the way you really want to go.

I think you were rude to her, but I have to say I sympathise.

I got approached by a woman during the toddler group days and she just wouldn't take the hint that I didn't want to be friends.

This lady would turn up at my house uninvited and her two whining, ill behaved brats would trash the place.

Worst of all, she was a pretty nasty woman too.

It took me years of avoiding her and ignoring her texts shake her off and I wish I had been more direct.

Actually I think you are just being true to yourself OP. People may be aghast, its probably the language. You wouldn't have got such a reaction if you had said 'I have done my best to politely avoid a woman for 6 months and she still pursues me. It got too much and I told her firmly to leave me alone' you are forthright and blunt, its not a crime.

The odd thing for me about this post is you have a preconcieved idea of the school mums and don't know any of them.

This is a place for your DS to make friends he spends a lot of his life there and these friendships become more important as they go through school.

I find the idea you will appologise and can see my ds out of school if you pay my DH to do so.

I am not saying you should want to be friends with this woman..But do your children play together? Are they friends? Maybe by talking to others it may of made you less of a target..

There is a huge difference between been friends and playground acquaintances.

Totall overreaction...you clearly have an anger problem...school run is what 5-10 minutes in your day to make a few commenst to the other parents.. how hard can that be?

If you cannot be civil for that then I fail to see how you function elsewhere in life..Oh for people who 'get you'....
stop being an arrogant arse, knock the massive chip off your shoulder and stop being a bitch...you may have really upset this woman who may have been just friendly.

You are the bully type we all hope our children avoid in the classroom.

I'm really, really surprised that anyone would want to talk to you as you appear to be vile.

'...and now you've seen my not so nice side'

I'm still 😂😂😂

Do NOT apologise or you'll never stop her attaching herself to you like a bloody limpit. You have been patient for MONTHS and tried to stop her nicely. Some people just require you to be blunt. You have been. Do NOT apologise.

I can sort of see that she might have accepted that you don't want to be friends (coffee/wine/running/whatever ) WITHOUT the kids, but she might not have realised you meant you don't want to be in the same room as her. She probably does now. Do NOT apologise.

IF you feel the boys get on well you could invite him to do something without her and if she genuinely thinks they get in well she might take you up on that. On the other hand, she might think you're a fucking psychopath who she won't leave her kid with. Win/win really. Do NOT apologise.

IF anyone from the group speaks to you about it, just explain that you have been trying to stop her unwanted attention for over six months and you finally cracked and had to be blunt. Apologise for doing so in their setting.

Finally, have a 🍷tonight & enjoy knowing you've rid yourself of this PITA.

Prisoner Cell Block H. I think it's unlikely you meant it, because it doesn't even make sense (though it's quite funny if you did actually). My phone is a right little bastard for adding in previously used phrases or just entirely different things simply because it's a jumped up iPhone with ideas above its station. On another forum it put my user name from here in the middle of a paragraph and I've still got NO idea why. People can believe you or not. Whatever.

TBH if someone had behaved like that to me when mine were small I would probably have gone home and had a good cry and then been so scared of approaching anyone again.
I found it really difficult to make friends and so tended to talk to people that my children were friends with, quite often I wasn't that keen on them but put a brave face on it for my DC's sake.
Your actions have an impact on other people and, indirectly, your child. The story of your behaviour will spread like wildfire at school and will affect your child's friendships.
People may not remember what you said but will always remember how you made them feel.

I'm not being funny but some people are sociable and some aren't. I am not, never have been, never wanted to be. I ensure DS is socialised but I don't want to be a part of it. Surely others should understand and respect that when it's made so fucking obvious from the start??

I'm exactly the same my love, and I've also told people to fuck off and leave me alone, as sometimes it's the only way to get the message across to those who refuse to take a polite and repeated 'No' for an answer.

My kids are perfectly fine and well adjusted with loads of friends, and I never once socialised with any of the parents all the way through school, or stood at the school gates chatting to anyone. I'm a loner, like my own company and keep myself to myself and it's no-one else's business.

I would like to suggest to the Op that unless she has a lot of family or paid for practical support for her DS there may come a time when she would be grateful for the support and help of a parent of a friend of her DS.
The parents of the friends of my two older Ds's rallied round and offered such practical support with the Ds's when I needed it. I will be eternally grateful for it. We are /were all friendly but do/did not live in each others pockets.
I hope the Op does not ever need this type of help.

I understand you have issues OP, but if your child will be in year 1 next year you have a few more years of it being in school and for your child's sake you need to try to be a bit more friendly. Do you really want your child to have the social inscurity you have? Do you want them to go through primary not being invited for play dates, out to tea, to the cinema, to parties, not joining in the social chat about the weekend? Do you want your child to be the one worried about secondary school because they don't have a strong friendship base? Times are changing , kids these days have far more contact with their friends ,and their friendships are far more important to them than used to be the case.
Maybe I am wrong, maybe your child is happy to be a loner too, but on the off chance that it isn't it is up to you to make the overtures, perhaps not to this particular person, but try to find someone you like at the school gate.

Your project ring for some reason whatever your issue with school is. This woman sounds pushy and she clearly can't take a hint. I would apologise for being rude but then have a really good thing how this will affect your DS when their old enough to notice. We learn from our parents if he watches you avoid all other parents contact at school he will question it eventually. You need to deal with your hang ups.

I think the poor woman had a lucky escape. You sound horrid.

Op you said your dc has plenty of socialisation, well mabey her dc wanted to play with your dc, or want to play with each other, yes she is right, its not about you, but you do it for them. Mabey she should have picked up the fact you don't want to be involved with her quicker, but anyway, she did not want to be your friend, she wanted to get the dcs together to play, what is the harm in that!

My autocorrect is both sentient and evil....

I think there are only a very few situations where you can lose your temper at people. As soon as you've done that you've lost any argument or high ground.
There are exceptions of course - if your safety is threatened then yell and swear or an icy fuck off and whatever, but otherwise losing your rag never gets you anywhere and shows a lack of self control.

As my son gets older I will need to socialise more and there's a language barrier and that just terrifies me it really does. But I'll do it.

Agree just a "no thanks, I'm really not interested so there is no point keeping on asking. Try someone else." would have done.
I don't think the other woman was just being nice as the OP did give her polite I'm not interested comments before she was rude and most people would have taken the hint. The other woman was overly pushy and lacking in empathy as well. Empathy isn't about being nice to people, it's picking up on other people's emotions and being able to see things their way. This woman refused to acknowledge that her company wasn't wanted by the OP.

I'm astonished by the negative comments directed at the OP.

If you change the focus of this a little, and consider how it would be if a man had kept on bothering the OP, and even after she'd politely said she wanted to keep her own company he'd kept on at her, would the responses have been different?

Either way, the OP was subtle but clear that she didn't want to socialise; when that failed, she was polite and clear and told the woman she wanted to be left alone; and when that failed, she spelled it out.

She was not rude, the other woman was, for insisting on bothering her.

OP, you don't need to apologise, and that other woman sounds like a nightmare to me. Pestering you when you'd made it clear that you wanted to be left alone? It's not on. Better off without her.

This prisoner cell block h woman

Wait what? Like a jumpsuit and an ankle tag? Australian and hard looking? Russian prison tattoos?

what's up with saying Australian's are hard?

Anyway back to you OP. Sounds like your kids are friends and she was speaking to you as a way to extend their friendship. Maybe her kid doesn't have a lot of friends and she was trying on their behalf. It's fine if you're introverted but your kid might not be. They may enjoy socialising and the company of others. If you flip out on other school parents it will backfire and effect your child's life too. Chill out.

I think the woman persisted because she, mistakenly, thought that while the op didn't want to socialise she wasn't necessarily going to prevent her child from socialising. The other woman was right imo. Playdates are not social events for adults. They only tend to stay until the child is old enough to stay by themselves.