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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have told this woman I don't want to be her friend?

832 replies

EddysWildHair · 03/08/2017 12:15

DS started school last September. I always try and avoid the school gates as I don't want to socialise whilst there but for the past 6 months or so this Prisoner Cell Block H woman has forced her company into me. I just don't like her or want to socialise with her! I've tried standing in different places, ignoring her as much as pos without being totally rude and telling her I'm busy when she asks about going for coffees etc but she just won't fuck off.

Since summer holidays started the school have ran a play group for the little ones so I've been taking DS. This morning she turns up, seeks me out and then starts waffling on about how much her DS has missed mine and how great it is that we can continue seeing each other through the summer holidays. Today she caught me on one of my less tolerant days so I said to her "to be honest, I'm not here to socialise, I like my own company so if I don't seem very friendly, don't take it personally". She said "oh no I'm the same! I like to just come here and then go home, not stand chatting!". I replied "good, well I'll see you around then" and walked to the other side of the room.

5 minutes later she came across to me and said "have you seen how well they play together? Isn't it nice! I was thinking, the leisure centre do a sports club for little ones, why don't we meet up there next week?".

Now I'm sorry but I feel I've been more than patient!!! So I said "because like I told you, I like my own company and don't want to socialise". She replied "but it's not for us, it's for the little ones?". So I snapped and said "why do you constantly say "little ones"? It's really annoying. Anyway can you please leave me alone, I don't want to talk to you. I've tried to be polite but I shouldn't have to keep repeating myself! You're spoiling my time here!". She gasped and said "wow, who pissed on your side of the bed this morning! I was just being friendly!" So I said "and now you've seen my not so nice side and the reason I don't socialise so can you please fuck off?".

She did fuck off but not before reporting me to the group leaders!!! Before anyone says it I know I'm not a nice person but that's why I choose not to socialise!! I'd told her numerous times politely to leave me alone!!! AIBU to think it's her fault we ended up arguining as she just wouldn't take no for an answer???

OP posts:
123beanie · 03/08/2017 16:59

I'd have been really upset if I were the other lady OP. I think you're going to have to really explain yourself when you apologise to her because you will have really hurt her feelings

HooplaLoopla1 · 03/08/2017 16:59

Posters assuming the other parents will be happy to overlook this and send their kids round to these people' homes on play dates anyway are a little naive, to say the least

I asked another poster earlier but never got a reply, have you never lost your temper? The vast majority of people have. I think it's naive to believe that if a parent hasn't lost their temper in front of you or your child, that they never could or would.

RainbowJack · 03/08/2017 17:00

Telling someone to fuck off in front of both your kids

Oh dear, I seem to have missed the part in OP posts where she said this happened in front of or in earshot of the kids.

Would you mind terribly pointing it out to me? My eyes aren't as good as they used to be. Sad

itstoolateforthisbollox · 03/08/2017 17:01

Where op has been in the wrong is telling her to fuck off and blowing her top. There are many ways to politely but firmly signal and if that doesn't get through, say outright, that you don't want to chat or be friends. She could have said something like, 'Without meaning to be rude, I'm not very sociable or interested in play dates or making new friends. Nothing personal but I prefer to keep to myself.

She DID that! is this what people are not getting? Yes, there are many ways to signal you don't want to be friendly without saying fuck off. Unfortunately OP had exhausted all of those and was left with nothing except, finally, fuck off and leave me alone!

nogrip · 03/08/2017 17:02

Arsehole

HooplaLoopla1 · 03/08/2017 17:02

Good point RainbowJack ! I think most posters seem to have missed the point where the pestering woman said 'who pissed on your side of the bed this morning?' It was then the OP told her to fuck off.

Sugarformyhoney · 03/08/2017 17:03

I think that your child will have problems socially as he grows with you modelling to him.
Hopefully the other lady just sees you as a strange one and keeps her distance. You sound like you have serious issues

Maelstrop · 03/08/2017 17:03

Very weird. You don't want this parent following you but now you're gonna apologise and give her a leaflet for the martial arts group (cos you're oh so fucking sociable!) so she can follow you round again? What the actual?!

jojomo · 03/08/2017 17:03

The op could have asked the group leaders to intervene instead of blowing her top

Floggingmolly · 03/08/2017 17:05

It's uncannily like you were there, bollox... Can I call you bollox? I think it suits you...

taratill · 03/08/2017 17:05

I do see the irony in posters on here telling the OP she is 'fucking awful'.

However I don't think that it is ever appropriate to swear at another person. The message can be given without behaving in a churlish aggressive manner.

I agree with whoever said that comparing the behaviour of this lady on the playground with stalking or men who harass women is ridiculous. From what the OP said she was only trying to engage in chit chat probably with the view (as the OP stated) of furthering the 'little ones' ' friendships.

In my opinion the OP completely overreacted. It is not nice to be sworn at , ever. I would have been really upset if someone had spoken to me in the way that OP did.

HooplaLoopla1 · 03/08/2017 17:06

instead of blowing her top

Why have so many people decided she did? Someone else posted that the OP didn't need to screech at the woman-nowhere did it say that. For all any of us know, the OP could have said it in a calm tone with a smile on her dial, so as not to draw attention from anyone around.

BeetlebumShesAGun · 03/08/2017 17:06

Ok then. Hmm

itstoolateforthisbollox · 03/08/2017 17:07

It's uncannily like you were there, bollox... Can I call you bollox? I think it suits you

One merely needs the ability to actually read before one starts making things up.
You can call me whatever you like. You can join the ranks of those calling the OP cunt and twat and suchlike for telling someone to fuck off, because apparently swearing at people is bad in RL but just peachy online......Hmm

diddl · 03/08/2017 17:09

Has she really been trying to be your friend Op, or just get the kids together?

I can see how it would have been really annoying when she came back so soon though & asked to meet up rather than straight away making it about the kids.

Floggingmolly · 03/08/2017 17:14

I didn't call the op a cunt. I do think her claiming to have been harassed incessantly for six months is ludicrous hyperbole, and the woman didn't deserve being told to fuck off in the middle of a play session at the school both their kids attend.
I also think op will have bought herself a rather unfortunate reputation at the school with that little display; however much posters rush to assure her she'll be a legend.

itstoolateforthisbollox · 03/08/2017 17:16

I also think op will have bought herself a rather unfortunate reputation at the school with that little display

Just because you've got your judgey knickers so far up your bum your voice is muffled doesn't mean everyone else will think the same.

Floggingmolly · 03/08/2017 17:18

No, I suppose not. It could be filled with people just like op you.

sisterofmercy · 03/08/2017 17:18

What you said about school-mum-days being so bad and possibly the worst since your own school days is so sad. It stresses you out so much you considered home-schooling. Maybe you could get some professional help to manage all those negative feelings so that it is not so awful and it doesn't run the risk of affecting your DS's school life.

Booboobooboo84 · 03/08/2017 17:18

Tbh you wanted her gone and now she is going to avoid you. But actually I don't think she will
I think she'll keep trying to talk to you so you need to find a new way to deal here.

Fwiw you don't have to have a conversation with anyone if you don't want to but rather than kicking off maybe next time try a politer approach of please don't disturb me right now. And walk away.

itstoolateforthisbollox · 03/08/2017 17:19

No, I suppose not. It could be filled with people just like op you

One can only hope Smile

Anatidae · 03/08/2017 17:19

Telling someone to fuck off IS blowing your top, whether you scream it or do it with the MN favourite of a tinkly little laugh.

The other mum maybe was annoying, but hell, you deal with it like an adult. You don't swear at them. What kind of behaviour does that model for your kids? Not that your boundaries are healthy,

itstoolateforthisbollox · 03/08/2017 17:19

Fwiw you don't have to have a conversation with anyone if you don't want to but rather than kicking off maybe next time try a politer approach of please don't disturb me right now. And walk away

Again, she did that. Are people not reading?

Kleinzeit · 03/08/2017 17:20

YABU to think it's all her fault. As my mum would say it was six of one and half a dozen of the other.

You can be very blunt indeed without being insulting or swearing. Maybe if you learn how you wont be so scared of the school gates? The other woman might be a nutjob but life is full of nutjobs and you need to find low-energy ways to deal with them.

The thing is you were too "polite" for too long. Wrapping it up in waffle like "don't take it personally" and mixed messages like "see you around" instead of "goodbye" until you snapped altogether and started to insult her. You don't have to make nice with her if you don't want/feel able to but if you'd been plain and blunt (starting from about your third encounter with her onwards) you probably wouldn't have lost control like that.

If you don't waste effort trying to explain "I like my own company etc etc" you can keep repeating "no I don't want to meet up" and "please don't talk to me". They are single phrases and you can switch off mentally while you keep saying them (you can also lose the "please" after the first time, walk away, turn away etc.) Don't placate or explain, it only confuses people.

I think the apology is a good idea but not the flyer. That's potentially a mixed message.

And yes you can indeed sit in the corner wearing headphones. It's not just this mother you want to avoid it's all of them. So, lesser evils and all that.

Beadieeye · 03/08/2017 17:21

I'm the type who just shows up at the playground, drops off/picks up, then scoots right out of there again. I'm not the chatty type at all and I'm not sociable, really. But deep down, like everyone else, part of the reason I'm like this is because I don't want to be subjected to the abusive public humiliation you subjected this poor woman to.
I'm guessing she's also a bit of a recluse and thought she had found someone like-minded and really put herself out there for her child's sake and for her sanity to get out the house.
It's one thing making your boundaries clear, another to take the piss...shit!