To have told this woman I don't want to be her friend?

[EddysWildHair]

DS started school last September. I always try and avoid the school gates as I don't want to socialise whilst there but for the past 6 months or so this Prisoner Cell Block H woman has forced her company into me. I just don't like her or want to socialise with her! I've tried standing in different places, ignoring her as much as pos without being totally rude and telling her I'm busy when she asks about going for coffees etc but she just won't fuck off.

Since summer holidays started the school have ran a play group for the little ones so I've been taking DS. This morning she turns up, seeks me out and then starts waffling on about how much her DS has missed mine and how great it is that we can continue seeing each other through the summer holidays. Today she caught me on one of my less tolerant days so I said to her "to be honest, I'm not here to socialise, I like my own company so if I don't seem very friendly, don't take it personally". She said "oh no I'm the same! I like to just come here and then go home, not stand chatting!". I replied "good, well I'll see you around then" and walked to the other side of the room.

5 minutes later she came across to me and said "have you seen how well they play together? Isn't it nice! I was thinking, the leisure centre do a sports club for little ones, why don't we meet up there next week?".

Now I'm sorry but I feel I've been more than patient!!! So I said "because like I told you, I like my own company and don't want to socialise". She replied "but it's not for us, it's for the little ones?". So I snapped and said "why do you constantly say "little ones"? It's really annoying. Anyway can you please leave me alone, I don't want to talk to you. I've tried to be polite but I shouldn't have to keep repeating myself! You're spoiling my time here!". She gasped and said "wow, who pissed on your side of the bed this morning! I was just being friendly!" So I said "and now you've seen my not so nice side and the reason I don't socialise so can you please fuck off?".

She did fuck off but not before reporting me to the group leaders!!! Before anyone says it I know I'm not a nice person but that's why I choose not to socialise!! I'd told her numerous times politely to leave me alone!!! AIBU to think it's her fault we ended up arguining as she just wouldn't take no for an answer???

Yanbu. IF someone won't take the hint then you have to get it through to them. maybe not the most elegant in execution, but hardly crime of the century!

You are a fucking asshole! You are the reason it's so hard to make friends as adults! Nasty! That poor woman put herself out there over and over again and you were beyond rude to her!

Are you completely insane? IF you try and make friends by harassing someone for 6 months even after they have practically begged you to leave them alone, then YOU are the reason you can't make friends! YOU are the nasty one.

tstoolateforthisbollox Thu 03-Aug-17 15:14:37

Do you actually understand that no matter how cute and adorable your DS is, that if people find his parent to be weird/offensive/rude they won't want to have any contact with you and he will be excluded and lose out as a consequent?

Do YOU understand that no matter how cute and adorable YOUR ds is, other parents are not obliged to be friends with you and arrange meet ups, just because you want to?

Women are allowed to say NO.

LOLOLOL. Yup Siree. But we aren't talking about "saying NO" are we? We are talking about being verbally abusive.

It's not just "sorry don't want to be your best friend"; it is actively abusive and that I'm afraid inevitably will lead to effects for your child.

And I do not accept for a moment that even in dealing with someone persistent (if this whacky tale is in fact true), it is not possible to do so being firm and polite without being so unpleasantly rude.

People will cut someone who has anxiety, is shy, is reclusive, or a bit of an anti-social hermit by choice a lot of slack. They tend not to do the same with people who are being vile or unpleasant.

I love the way there's always a stampede to reassure the op that they're "just fine" on these type of threads

Almost everyone has called her horrible names, so not sure what you are reading or loving about it

She is fine though. It's the rest of them that are loopers,

BarbarianMum When they're younger you have more control over their life and where they attend, once older they can be left on their own at events.

OP has already said she facilitates her childs social life.

As for the swearing, well she wouldn't have if the woman left her alone. OP made it pretty clear she wanted to be left alone.

Heaven forbid anyone swears, but 6 months of unwanted contact is A-ok, apparently.

How sad you have to play a social 'game' at your childs school. I can't imagine anything more dull.

LOLOLOL. Yup Siree. But we aren't talking about "saying NO" are we? We are talking about being verbally abusive

Yes we are. She said no, over and over and over again. She has asked nicely. She has moved away from her and politely turned her down.
She only became "verbally abusive" when there was no where left to go.

Do you think its funny tha OP was so upset by this womans behavior she had to swear at her? Are you always so horrible?

Your poor poor children what a shit example your setting.

Itstoolate, the people going on about how 'it's nice to be nice' and all that bollocks are the very reason I can't be arsed with people, generally.

And I completely agree with everything you've said.

This is one of those threads where one feels like they live in a paralell universe.

Who knew that there were so many people who think its ok to hound a stranger for months on end but not ok to tell them to fuck off and leave you alone after you can't take any more?

I'm 100% with you on this one OP.

If it was a man asking you for a date, then everyone would be falling over themselves to tell you that you weren't rude enough.

But because it was a mum asking you on friendship dates and trying to platonically solicit your company a lot of people are seeming themselves as the nice-but-thick-skinned other mum and berating you.

You've been dodging her for 6 months and were very clear in the minutes before that you didn't want to talk to her.

Not sure what else you could have done other than be ultra-blunt.

No matter what her intentions, you don't owe her your time.

It sounds like you tried to be polite countless times and she just didn't get it.

nanimobars
You are a fucking asshole! You are the reason it's so hard to make friends as adults! Nasty! That poor woman put herself out there over and over again and you were beyond rude to her!

There are a lot of fucking arseholes on this thread but the OP is definitely NOT one of them.

FFS this is ridiculous. What part of the OP NOT WANTING TO BE FRIENDS WITH THIS IDIOT AND TELLING HER POLITELY SEVERAL TIMES do you not understand?

Is there a rulebook which new mothers receive that because someone is needy and stalks you for six months and your children play together that you MUST then become friends, regardless?

It's pathetic.

Thanks Cat! Glad to see I'm not alone.

For the record, I'm quite chatty and made some friends at the school gate, so neither side of this has relevance for me. i just have a severe problem with so many people being so fucking awful to OP.

Oh, OP, you just went too far. But your outburst sounds like an anxiety response rather than plain rudeness to be fair. Have you always felt like this? How did you get to know your existing friends?

I'm not sure how so many posters have constructed this narrative of the OP being constantly pestered. Her reaction to this was quite disproportionate to someone who, by her own account, has talked to her at drop off/pick up and suggested a few coffees. She may be struggling herself and not great at social cues and obviously got this one wrong.

I loathe small talk and suck at it, but have persevered since I had kids because you just have to do the 'nice leggings she's wearing!' and 'is he your first?' etc to find out that, yes, that woman there also finds psychology interesting or reads the same books or has walked the same trails you have. There aren't many shortcuts. So, OP, I think writing off 'mums' who want to talk about nothing but their kids is deeply unfair.

Prisoner cell block H type???

Well, aren't you just lovely?

Your response to her is the reason I'm too socially anxious to talk to people at toddler groups and why I find it so hard to make friends. I'd be mortified if you were like that with me.

Why are some posters saying "if it was a man asking you on a date it would be different" type of comments? Yes, it would be different. It's a completely different scenario! It wasn't someone pestering for a date was it? It was someone asking to meet up at a kids group.

Not sure whether you meant it this way as you say it was autocorrect, but by cell block h did you mean you think she fancied you? Get over yourself!

Good on you for preparing to apologise tomorrow but maybe leave the martial arts leaflet for another time!

And you made your own DS late for school so you could avoid her?

Wow.

Your response to her is the reason I'm too socially anxious to talk to people at toddler groups and why I find it so hard to make friends. I'd be mortified if you were like that with me

Would you spend 6 months talking to someone clearly trying to get away from you? If you forced someone to be like that with you, you would deserve to be mortified.

However if you are too socially anxious to talk to people, what has your situation got to do with this one? Nothing. Don't blame other people.

Coldilox, would you pester someone though? I bet you wouldn't.

Why are some posters saying "if it was a man asking you on a date it would be different" type of comments? Yes, it would be different. It's a completely different scenario! It wasn't someone pestering for a date was it? It was someone asking to meet up at a kids group

It's not different. It's both people trying to make you spend time with them when you don't want to. It's exactly the same in that neither is remotely acceptable.

Along with chimps, ants, and gannets (to name just a few) humans are social animals RainbowJack And social animals play social games to facilitate social interaction. Picking fleas off your neighbour is possibly boring to chimps but it at least stops the other members of your group eating your baby. Making small talk at the school gate (or at least not being actively hostile) is pretty boring, yes, but it oils the wheels that allow us to live communally. And I'm sure if the OP had said "Leave me alone" to limpet-mum, it would have had the same effect as swearing at her. It's true some people don't get hints.

You sound full of the joys. TBH if I had been that 'Prisoner' woman I prob would've gone home and cried.

The hypocrisy on this thread is just staggering.

The OP told someone to 'please fuck off' in real life. Someone who had been pestering her incessantly and just wouldn't take no for an answer, despite the OP making several attempts to convey politely that she wanted to be left alone.

She comes on here and gets all kinds of names and abuse hurled at her including 'a fucking asshole', 'fucking awful', 'a nasty human being', 'a nut job', 'horrific', ' are you alright in the head?', 'a nasty piece of work', 'a twat', 'an utter cunt' .... and that's just the tip of the iceberg.

So it's ok to abuse in writing on a forum the? And the OP, for telling someone who wouldn't take no for an answer to 'fuck off' in real life, is worthy of a torrent of even viler abuse from the Mumsnet jury?

You couldn't make it up.