To have told this woman I don't want to be her friend?

[EddysWildHair]

DS started school last September. I always try and avoid the school gates as I don't want to socialise whilst there but for the past 6 months or so this Prisoner Cell Block H woman has forced her company into me. I just don't like her or want to socialise with her! I've tried standing in different places, ignoring her as much as pos without being totally rude and telling her I'm busy when she asks about going for coffees etc but she just won't fuck off.

Since summer holidays started the school have ran a play group for the little ones so I've been taking DS. This morning she turns up, seeks me out and then starts waffling on about how much her DS has missed mine and how great it is that we can continue seeing each other through the summer holidays. Today she caught me on one of my less tolerant days so I said to her "to be honest, I'm not here to socialise, I like my own company so if I don't seem very friendly, don't take it personally". She said "oh no I'm the same! I like to just come here and then go home, not stand chatting!". I replied "good, well I'll see you around then" and walked to the other side of the room.

5 minutes later she came across to me and said "have you seen how well they play together? Isn't it nice! I was thinking, the leisure centre do a sports club for little ones, why don't we meet up there next week?".

Now I'm sorry but I feel I've been more than patient!!! So I said "because like I told you, I like my own company and don't want to socialise". She replied "but it's not for us, it's for the little ones?". So I snapped and said "why do you constantly say "little ones"? It's really annoying. Anyway can you please leave me alone, I don't want to talk to you. I've tried to be polite but I shouldn't have to keep repeating myself! You're spoiling my time here!". She gasped and said "wow, who pissed on your side of the bed this morning! I was just being friendly!" So I said "and now you've seen my not so nice side and the reason I don't socialise so can you please fuck off?".

She did fuck off but not before reporting me to the group leaders!!! Before anyone says it I know I'm not a nice person but that's why I choose not to socialise!! I'd told her numerous times politely to leave me alone!!! AIBU to think it's her fault we ended up arguining as she just wouldn't take no for an answer???

Sounds rediculous OP tbh! Fwiw I haven't been able to do play dates and had anxiety problems that would have left me completely incapable of chatting at any length with other mums. It was simple enough to say "I'm really sorry I'm just not up to it at the moment"

Literally nobody took a problem with it and plenty of lovely mums still offered my DS playdates and party invites. It never occurred to me to view them as harassment!

I do get the not wanting others company... I don't get the inability to politely decline. You sound rather ill. If so, please get some help.

Seems like you've judged at school mums as not being good enough for you, you prefer the 'people who get me' but sounds like you don't even know any of them well enough to make that judgement.

This whole situation is quite sad actually and I bet it will be your DS that suffers. I'm sure this woman will be telling others about what's happened and news will spread and you will probably find your DS misses out on play dates and other social get togethers. I certainly wouldn't let my kids go to your house and wouldn't be inviting your DS over no matter how much my kids asked. I would be worried about suggesting another play date (if one happened in the first place) in case you exploded and told me to fuck off.

Your apology doesn't sound like it's coming from the right place, I think you said further back you would apologise if it made her feel better? No you should apologise because you were out of order and shouldn't snap or swear at people like that. You literally should have just ignored her, walked away, but not blown up in her face like that.

I agree with a pp that it sounds like you need help regarding anger management and your anxiety.

Op you were most definitely rude and stating that your not a nice person doesn't excuse your behaviour and give a free pass

But

I can't deny I am not sociable and it highly irritates me that people push it. ...I do think that there are those that think friendly interaction is a god given right and it's horrendous if you don't want to engage....I just ignore them and if pushed shut them down

But you did cross into nasty and need to accept you were rude and unpleasant

Does rather make me laugh that she told on you to the leaders....I've had someone so that because I wouldn't agree a play date ....we are adults what would they do...tell you off 😁

Ultimately you were uneccessarily unpleasant and childish but she should have read social cues and left you alone

Ha I like your honesty OP

Bit harsh on the poor woman though and she probably will leave you alone now, Forever.

I don't get people saying OP was right because she has put up with it for 6 months... Sure enough, if you avoided her, she just didn't see you and didn't harass you. YOU were making a big deal out of it in your head. What did the woman do to harass the OP?

Like it was in your head that the chit chat was a desperate attempt to be friend with you (I can't blame her. After all you have male friends and don't talk about children all the time. How coooool).

When did you clearly told her "no thanks, I just don't like to socialize". If you did say that to her 2 or 3 times, fine, you lost your shit. But I read it as you sulking for months, avoiding her, making a big deal of it in you head then going full nutcase style when she just offered to bring your children to the same place because they like to play together... It's not like she came and tried to gasp talk to you.

I think the only problem is that you're too full of yourself and made a big deal out of nothing.And you weren't as clear about not being intetested as you pretend. You were a bit of a coward if anything.

You were unspeakably rude, OP.

Birdbandit Hilarious. I fake talk on the phone when I'm walking home from the pub at night - always wondered what I'd do if it rang!

My old neighbour had social anxiety problems and would put on very large and conspicuous ear phones to take her rubbish out. We never engaged her in chit chat , but I have a feeling that the folk who lived in our house before us probably did and this was how she had resorted to dealing with it.

I don't believe a word of this to be honest.

I'm being stalked for 6 months. Told her to fuck off. Don't care about DS he's got lots of friends. Do care about DS. Don't care about telling her to fuck off. Am now going to apologise. I'm an anti-social cunt. Actually I have lots of friends and go to a martial arts group. It's all over the shop.

She replied "but it's not for us, it's for the little ones?"

If this isn't some mad reverse thread then this ^^ is the only thing that matters.

Do you actually understand that no matter how cute and adorable your DS is, that if people find his parent to be weird/offensive/rude they won't want to have any contact with you and he will be excluded and lose out as a consequent?

Equally as others have said, maybe this poor woman's son is a bit isolated and she is trying to help him build friendships with your son?

MandateMandy If you had bothered to read OPs posts she says her childs social life is full and fine.

There are plenty of children who are friends at school without needing to see each other outside of school or whose parents never speak. So that point is BS.

Secondly, what are the other ways OP could have tried before snapping? Standing in different places? Ignoring her? Telling her she was busy? Telling her specifically, she wasn't there to socialise and likes her own company?

Oh wait, she did all that.

I don't know what to make of this thread . I can't imagine a situation where I would react like the op.

BUT I have fantasised about it. I have, in the past, attracted people like that and, no, it's not being friendly, it's being overbearing and they play on people's desire not to be rude. I would, as someone mentioned, be wary as these types who say 'my ds loves yours' bemoan how difficult it is to find childcare.

Regarding the effect on ds popularity, yes, it may well be an issue but, then again, this woman may have form for latching on to people and, after a while, they may find her out .

I also refute the idea that the way to help friendships is to make friends yourself. My two have made friends with children whose parents couldn't be more different from me. Ive sometimes found that makes things hard to sustain long term when they have different values. Ive had parents not want their children here because we allow tv or sweets and I've found other parents' uptightness wearing or their laxness worrying. It can be too much hassle to navigate and overall it works best if parents are similar too - and not after childcare bar the odd favour!

Of course, Ive had it the other way where ive liked the parents but the children don't play. These can work out well because you can meet up sans kids and there are no politics if they break friends. I find that, if your friendship depends on your child's friendship, you could be in for a rocky ride!

And when they start secondary, none of this matters anymore anyway

OP might find she becomes a bit of a heroine...

Well, if someone told my limpet to fuck off I'd make some "she didn't, did she " noises, but would probably send the blunt one some chocolates.

I have a lot of sympathy for the OP - the swearing was probably unnecessary but then I rarely swear myself.

I do my best to look unapproachable when I want to be left alone. Headphones in, sunglasses on and a book but it just doesn't work on some folk.

Your not unreasonable to feel that way but you could have said it far more politely, sounds like you lost your temper and control which is unreasonable.

Poor woman even if she was annoying. She must be very hurt by your behaviour, even if you think it was deserved.

I get your feelings and feel similar, although not at all ASD just traumatised by school bullies and bad experiences in adulthood, particularly from girls/women. I like to be social but am more scared of the "risks". I'd probably judge you in the same way and find talking about kids boring too. We'd probably judge each other and be total wrong. Your fear of the school gates isn't the fault of the other parents and you probably aren't alone in how you feel. Have you already looked into counselling? I'm looking again to address my particular issues around these situations, but I'm not happy this way always feeling people are hostile or judging.

I just think a lot of extroverts do not really understand introverts.

Swearing and losing your temper did make you lose the moral high ground though OP.

Why in the name of God would you become a Heroine at the school gates for acting like a mannerless savage?
Infamous, certainly. But that's not a good thing.

Do you actually understand that no matter how cute and adorable your DS is, that if people find his parent to be weird/offensive/rude they won't want to have any contact with you and he will be excluded and lose out as a consequent?

Do YOU understand that no matter how cute and adorable YOUR ds is, other parents are not obliged to be friends with you and arrange meet ups, just because you want to?

Women are allowed to say NO. We're not just talking about men, but to anyone. stop reinforcing the notion that women owe their time and selves to others, in order to be "nice".

OP might find she becomes a bit of a heroine

I would hope not. I would avoid OP (and by exension her kid) like the plague and probably make an extra effort to be kind to the poor woman who had been humiliated

No, you don't have to socialise with someone if you don't want to. You SHOULD be polite though, and you weren't at any stage.

It seems like your kids are friends and she's clearly trying to HELP by suggesting other activities. Would it really kill you to make small talk if it means your child is having fun and being entertained?

And on one occasion I have polite told someone to leave me alone, albeit a stranger. In a GP waiting room. I wasn't in the mood, possibly on the verge of tears. I just said I was sorry I just don't want to talk right now. People do understand, we all have shitty times/periods of our lives.

6 months of constant harrassment or 6 months or spotting you and trying to speak to you in the playground for 5 mins twice a day?

5 mins twice a day every day for SIX MONTHS is pretty constant. Especially when its also during the holidays. The woman came over asking for a play date five mins after being told to leave OP alone.

Some of you must have no social graces whatsoever if you can't see the problem here.

RainbowJack

I did read Op's post. Perhaps you didn't read mine? I suggested that perhaps OP's child's social life might not remain full and fine after she has very publically told another mother to fuck off in front a room full of children and their mothers.

The children might well play together well at school, but I wonder how her son will feel when he doesn't get invited to birthday parties or sleepovers because other parents are either intimidated by her aggressive attitude or her stand offish demeanour or they have recognised the contempt in which she holds them.

Yes Op had made excuses and said she likes her own company, what she didn't do was tell her explicitly that she didn't want/need another friend. There are ways she could have done this without verbally abusing someone in front of children.

mannerless savage??? Really?! Jesus, she told the woman to fuck off, she didn't rugby tackle her to the floor and bite her lip off!

I'm pretty amazed how many people on this thread have also said they would avoid the child as well as the OP because of what the OP said. Tbh, I wouldn't ignore or avoid ANY child based on something their parent did. That's pretty shitty behaviour in itself surely? Or had no one thought of the irony of that when they're telling the OP what a vile person she is?

I suggested that perhaps OP's child's social life might not remain full and fine after she has very publically told another mother to fuck off in front a room full of children and their mothers

Don't assume everyone is like you. I for one would not have a problem wih OP, a) because I wouldn't be take out feelings about a parent on a child (what kind of twat would do that?) and b) because if this woman has pissed off OP so much she probably has pissed off other people, and I'd be glad someone finally told her to stop being such a stalky weirdo.

The key point for me is that the OP explained that she was not there to socialise and did not want to chat and then walked away from the woman but 5 minutes later the woman was back, and she was argumentative and quite insistent. She was extremely rude way before the OP told her to 'fuck off'.