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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have told this woman I don't want to be her friend?

832 replies

EddysWildHair · 03/08/2017 12:15

DS started school last September. I always try and avoid the school gates as I don't want to socialise whilst there but for the past 6 months or so this Prisoner Cell Block H woman has forced her company into me. I just don't like her or want to socialise with her! I've tried standing in different places, ignoring her as much as pos without being totally rude and telling her I'm busy when she asks about going for coffees etc but she just won't fuck off.

Since summer holidays started the school have ran a play group for the little ones so I've been taking DS. This morning she turns up, seeks me out and then starts waffling on about how much her DS has missed mine and how great it is that we can continue seeing each other through the summer holidays. Today she caught me on one of my less tolerant days so I said to her "to be honest, I'm not here to socialise, I like my own company so if I don't seem very friendly, don't take it personally". She said "oh no I'm the same! I like to just come here and then go home, not stand chatting!". I replied "good, well I'll see you around then" and walked to the other side of the room.

5 minutes later she came across to me and said "have you seen how well they play together? Isn't it nice! I was thinking, the leisure centre do a sports club for little ones, why don't we meet up there next week?".

Now I'm sorry but I feel I've been more than patient!!! So I said "because like I told you, I like my own company and don't want to socialise". She replied "but it's not for us, it's for the little ones?". So I snapped and said "why do you constantly say "little ones"? It's really annoying. Anyway can you please leave me alone, I don't want to talk to you. I've tried to be polite but I shouldn't have to keep repeating myself! You're spoiling my time here!". She gasped and said "wow, who pissed on your side of the bed this morning! I was just being friendly!" So I said "and now you've seen my not so nice side and the reason I don't socialise so can you please fuck off?".

She did fuck off but not before reporting me to the group leaders!!! Before anyone says it I know I'm not a nice person but that's why I choose not to socialise!! I'd told her numerous times politely to leave me alone!!! AIBU to think it's her fault we ended up arguining as she just wouldn't take no for an answer???

OP posts:

Aeroflotgirl · 03/08/2017 14:35

"to be honest, I'm not here to socialise, I like my own company so if I don't seem very friendly, don't take it personally". She said "oh no I'm the same! I like to just come here and then go home, not stand chatting!". I replied "good, well I'll see you around then" and walked to the other side of the room

Tbf op did tell her politely, but she just did not take the hint. It upset op. Well now the woman probably won't make the same mistake again. I admit, the constant badgering would drive me mad which it did op. Mabey the woman needs practise in how to read social ques better.

Sheila56 · 03/08/2017 14:38

Awful, just awful..Poor woman..Not only insulting her, but telling her to fuck off!..Words fail me..You should apologize..

bogofeternalstench · 03/08/2017 14:39

You have my sympathy, OP, and my admiration. I wish I were as brave as you. In your shoes I would have thought exactly what you said but would never have dared to say it and instead would have spent the next 6 months/years/however long being grudgingly polite and getting more and more stressed by it.

Social people don't ever seem to be able to understand that there are those of us who genuinely really HATE small talk and unnecessary communication. And being forced to participate to conform is difficult and stressful and exhausting.

Please don't apologise. You meant what you said. And some people are so thick-skinned that there really is no other way to get through to them.

kmc1111 · 03/08/2017 14:41

OP went overboard, but it does really bug me that people who completely ignore extremely blatant social cues and signals and multiple polite but clear rebuffs are thought of as friendly.

It's extremely bad manners on their end, and requires you either tolerate them for ages til they finally give up, or be the bad guy and bluntly tell them you'd rather stick pins in your eyes. No matter what you do you can't really win.

SillyLittleBiscuit · 03/08/2017 14:44

I do understand not wanting chit chat etc but what happens at work if people keep asking you for lunch or how your weekend was etc. Can't just tell them to fuck off. Sometimes you just have to suck it up so you don't get sacked/lose your kid friends.

MandateMandy · 03/08/2017 14:44

I agree that 6 months of someone trying to be your friend is annoying - but at no point did OP say she felt threatened by the other woman's behaviour so to call it stalking and to compare the situation to if OP was being harassed by a man, is pretty insulting to victims of real stalking and shows poor understanding of power imbalances between men and women that result in violence against women. If the OP genuinely felt that she was being harassed or stalked then she could have reported the women to the police - but she didn't. She felt annoyed not afraid.

In the OP we were asked if Eddy was unreasonable "To have told this woman that I don't want to be her friend" and I'd guess that every person on this thread would have said ABSOLUTELY NOT! But the public and aggressive manner in which OP did it was unacceptable. As is much of OP's attitude - "prisoner cell bloke h", "nut job!" and her attitude towards women in general as being somehow less than her because they talk about their children and her preference to socialise with men for this reason are all what has gotten OP a bit of stick on here. That, and her inability to recognise that her actions may have affected other people.

Headofthehive55 · 03/08/2017 14:44

You do realise that friendship with the mothers leads to your children often having a nicer time in school, play dates, party invites, lift shares, holiday childcare swaps and brings your child possible social friendships.

No one is going to invite your child to a play date because they would have to interact with you.

Polarbearflavour · 03/08/2017 14:45

I think people calling the OP names and telling her what an awful person she is, aren't exactly nice either!

shortcake76 · 03/08/2017 14:45

Well I think with that rude attitude she's definitely got the message loud and clear. I'd imagine you've alienated yourself (and probably your DS) as a result of your bad attitude.

BirdBandit · 03/08/2017 14:47

Obvs you were appallingly rude, but my goodness I wish I had the balls to do what you did.

I have always promised myself that one fine day, (hopefully when I have won the lottery and am running off to live somewhere hot with my scorching lover), I will just loose the plot big style, and let my tongue loose on those school gate harridans.

for you, because sometimes people crack.

Aeroflotgirl · 03/08/2017 14:47

Headofthehive I feel the same way, there is a mother in ds school is is not a people person, my ds likes her ds, however i am reluctant to to have them over for a playdate because she is not very easy to interact with, as she does not do small talk. Rather like the op. I will probably arrange to meet in the park, where there is more option to end it, if it is not going too well. Both ds are 5 so still like their parents there.

Bombardier25966 · 03/08/2017 14:48

I think the OP just snapped

So that makes it ok? What is she going to do to the next person she takes a disliking to?

However annoying the other woman there is no need to speak to anyone the way the OP did. I don't know how someone gets to adulthood thinking it is ok to act like that, and can only hope that her child has more positive role models.

RainbowJack · 03/08/2017 14:49

EddysWildHair What a shame you've cowed to the MN masses.

Whilst you're being encouraged to put strangers needs above yours and being nice don't forget to lie down so they can wipe their feet on you.

And people wonder why there are so many spineless posters.

paxillin · 03/08/2017 14:50

Like hell would I apologize. I have a limpet fellow school mum. We re-start the "be my friend" shit every September. I am non-committal, I avoid her, but I don't kick up a stink when she pesters my friends for my phone number or email, I just do not answer...she is relentless. I wish I'd said "fuck off" in year 1.

BarbarianMum · 03/08/2017 14:50

Nobody has to be in a relationship or friendship with anyone if they don't want to be. That doesn't mean you don't owe them common politeness. Socialising with someone doesn't generally mean chatting to them in the playground for 5 min either - that's just normal behaviour.

Not everyone is good at reading social cues OP, so next time be explicit, don't hint. Just explain that you don't want to speak to/listen to them.

Personally, I don't care if someone doesn't want to talk to me but I'd not send my young child on a playdate under the care of someone who wouldn't engage in basic social interaction. To that extent its probably worth making some effort if you want your child to have friendships that extend out of school.

Aeroflotgirl · 03/08/2017 14:50

I don't think op did anything wrong, apart from swearing at her, that was totally uncceptable. She told her several times politely, and this woman just did not take the hint. Respect is a mutual thing, and the woman was not respecting op. I am a social person, I can do small talk, chat about different topics, but I can also see where op is coming from.

JacquesHammer · 03/08/2017 14:50

6 months of constant harrassment or 6 months or spotting you and trying to speak to you in the playground for 5 mins twice a day?

Because if the latter you have handled it really badly by overreacting so much.

duracellred · 03/08/2017 14:50

So that makes it ok? What is she going to do to the next person she takes a disliking to

I think the OP has a disliking to most people it seems. I certainly would not give her the time of day with that attitude.

Jaxhog · 03/08/2017 14:50

I think many of you are being way too hard on the OP too. She got fed up with the relentless badgering from this women and snapped. Her DC doesn't have to be friends with this particular woman's child. There are plenty of other kids in his life (probably with more laid back parents too).

Who wants their DC to be friends with a woman who will probably stalk you for years to come? Believe me, this is NOT fun.

Just move on OP. She must be pretty thick skinned not to have taken the hint earlier. She'll smart for a few hours, then be hanging on to the next unsuspecting victim.

peonie83 · 03/08/2017 14:52

Fake

BirdBandit · 03/08/2017 14:52

My favourite mum at the school gate always has her phone to her ear, deep in pretend conversation to keep folk away.

One day, as she was pretend talking it rang. She winked at me and styled it out.

She is brilliant. And her kid is VERY popular.

MandateMandy · 03/08/2017 14:54

Whilst you're being encouraged to put strangers needs above yours

This simply isn't true as it would suggest that OP is being advised to make friends with the other woman. Most people just reckon that perhaps the OP should have perhaps considered her child's needs as well as her own. There are also other ways to put your own needs ahead of others without resorting to publically abusing someone in front of children.

Aeroflotgirl · 03/08/2017 14:55

BirdBandit ha ha that is classic, good on her .

trulybadlydeeply · 03/08/2017 14:59

I think by swearing at her, as well as this being in front of lots of young people, YWBTU. However I can also sense the pressure she has placed on you over the last few months.

All you can do now is learn from this and move on. Others have given good suggestions for showing that you don't want to engage (headphones etc), and think up on a couple of stock phrases that are polite, but show others you'd rather not engage, to use in the future.

I think you are brave to apologise to the other Mum, I'm just wondering if perhaps a letter may be best initially, if social interaction with other Mums isn't your strong point? That is, if you know where she lives, or will see her again at this group. Then you can take time to explain your anxiety, and your wish to keep yourself to yourself. But its got to be sincere.

I would suggest you try and engage with some mums at least on a day to day level, they may surprise you. Many parents love talking about everything but their children! (I do). You mention that you have quite a few male friends, do any of them have partners and children that you could perhaps mix with from time to time? You may find that slightly less stressful, as you will know the man, and you could then "practice" interacting with the Mums, IYSWIM.

ReanimatedSGB · 03/08/2017 15:00

It may be that all the other mums have already had to fend off this pushy cow or are being equally worn to a frazzle by her. OP might find she becomes a bit of a heroine...

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