To have told this woman I don't want to be her friend?

[EddysWildHair]

DS started school last September. I always try and avoid the school gates as I don't want to socialise whilst there but for the past 6 months or so this Prisoner Cell Block H woman has forced her company into me. I just don't like her or want to socialise with her! I've tried standing in different places, ignoring her as much as pos without being totally rude and telling her I'm busy when she asks about going for coffees etc but she just won't fuck off.

Since summer holidays started the school have ran a play group for the little ones so I've been taking DS. This morning she turns up, seeks me out and then starts waffling on about how much her DS has missed mine and how great it is that we can continue seeing each other through the summer holidays. Today she caught me on one of my less tolerant days so I said to her "to be honest, I'm not here to socialise, I like my own company so if I don't seem very friendly, don't take it personally". She said "oh no I'm the same! I like to just come here and then go home, not stand chatting!". I replied "good, well I'll see you around then" and walked to the other side of the room.

5 minutes later she came across to me and said "have you seen how well they play together? Isn't it nice! I was thinking, the leisure centre do a sports club for little ones, why don't we meet up there next week?".

Now I'm sorry but I feel I've been more than patient!!! So I said "because like I told you, I like my own company and don't want to socialise". She replied "but it's not for us, it's for the little ones?". So I snapped and said "why do you constantly say "little ones"? It's really annoying. Anyway can you please leave me alone, I don't want to talk to you. I've tried to be polite but I shouldn't have to keep repeating myself! You're spoiling my time here!". She gasped and said "wow, who pissed on your side of the bed this morning! I was just being friendly!" So I said "and now you've seen my not so nice side and the reason I don't socialise so can you please fuck off?".

She did fuck off but not before reporting me to the group leaders!!! Before anyone says it I know I'm not a nice person but that's why I choose not to socialise!! I'd told her numerous times politely to leave me alone!!! AIBU to think it's her fault we ended up arguining as she just wouldn't take no for an answer???

I think you could have handled this differently, and the outcome would have been the same, but you would have avoided hurting her feelings.
It's OK not wanting to socialise, lots of people make that choice. You just need to have some tact.

Holy shit. This is awful. Your poor ds.

I kind of see your point; if you don't want to spend time with anyone, you shouldn't have to, but you could have been a bit kinder to her than telling her to F Off.
Maybe the woman is lonely. Or maybe she thought you were and wanted to help. Who knows. But sometimes it's better to be kind to people and remember also that you wouldn't want your son to behave in the matter you did. (I hope). The school gates thing (which again, I can understand) isn't all about you, it's also about your child - this is his world - and you should be mindful of that..

You told someone to fuck off at a play group? Seriously, you need to get a grip. I'm a sweary person but even I wouldn't do that in a room full of kids.

I think an apology (for losing your temper) and the flyer is a good idea. Explain that you really, really don't enjoy small talk.

Would still suggest that you try to work on being able to deal with this kind of situation though. You may be fine with working alone and sticking with the friends you already have, but I suspect as your son grows up he would appreciate being able to meet up with friends. And that probably means that other parents need to trust you.

By the sounds of it you've been polite over the past year to the point of frustration. Any other situation you'd have people pointing out lack of boundaries, etc.

I agree with this. It sounds like the OP has been at the end of her tether in a situation where all normal means of communication/signalling weren't being acknowledged for months!

OP, i don't think the vile comments against you here are warranted, and i think it's actually one of the issues that gets brought up on MN quite often (people not respecting boundaries, cue lots of hang wringing about how to resolve the situation).

i think you've shown the pateience of a saint!

I bet half the posters saying how horrid you are currently have / have had a situation where they were unable to deal with boundary setting so just sucked it up (how many people post things like "my neighbour expects me to childmind her brat from hell over the 6 week holidays for free"-type stuff) ... OR they're the limpet type themselves!

Wow op Im I'm well impressed. I'm not sociable either unless I'm in the mood and don't particularly gravitate towards female company. Some people socially just can't read signs. I also HATE the term little ones and playdate

Why did you feel the need to post this here? I'm not sure I see what it is you're after?

also for what it's worth, i think an apology is a really bad idea. why are posters encouraging the OP to send massively mixed signals?

The poor limpet woman is likely to be more confused and hurt, surely!?

Bloody hell did you speak to your partner like that when he chatted you up?

You really need to get a grip, sometimes in life people irritate you but there is no need to be so aggressive I'm surprised you weren't asked to leave.

I have never considered my 10 minutes at the school gates to be any more than just picking my kids up. I do chat a little, but I don't ever think I will have lasting interactions with the people I speak to. I am there because I need to be there to pick up my children. OP I feel like you are projecting onto this woman, as even when you talk about apologising, you seem to think you can control how she has reacted to you being incredibly rude.

I wouldn't bother with the flyer, unless she's the world's most thick skinned person I can't imagine she's going to want to spend any time in your company

Ah I get it now, all those posters berating the OP are just like the woman she told to fuck off, determined to be friends with every mummy with whom they come in contact

Perhaps the woman was lonely - and? Why exactly is that up to the OP to resolve?

but you would have avoided hurting her feelings - what a about the OP's feelings

OP don't aplogise or she will start driving you mad again.

Poor woman.

Makes you wonder what kind of job the OP has? Certainly NOT in a customer facing role that's for sure!
Must be hard work trying to avoid people trying to be nice and social with you. No wonder you get anxious and try to hide away.
Chillax!

I think you could have said it in an equally clear but less rude way

Or they're jealous and wish they'd had the bollocks to do it to someone annoying them 😂

As for the woman's feelings being hurt, her probably going home and crying etc...unlikely considering how thick skinned she clearly is to not take the hint, not listen to someone directly telling them AND their response to the OP.

To those asking the OP if she is autistic - get a grip! I know plenty of autistic people who would rather chew off their own arm than be as rude and horrible as she was. Autism can often mean not understanding social cues not deliberately hurting another human being who has done noting to deserve it. ( If anything it sounds as though it could be the other woman who didn't understand some of the social cues OP says she gave off.)

OP - I think you need some professional help. Your inability to deal appropriately with social situations and your anxiety around your son's schooling is clearly affecting your life and WILL be affecting your son whether you admit it or not - especially when you are banned from play groups for telling other people to fuck off. When word gets around do you really think the other kids will want to or be allowed to play with yours?

Maybe with some help you can actually start to enjoy life again and won't be as likely to be as classist, disablist, self-absorbed.

I feel sorry for your child, why would it hurt you to make connections with other people. Do you think you are better than others? Are you some kind of narcissist? Try being a little more open and kinder for your child's sake!

Fwiw aside from one women with whom i'm still close, i avoided contact with other mothers at the school gate and yet dd always had loads of friends. You dont have to socialise with other mothers to guarantee your child a social life

I wonder how people would be reacting if this was a man trying to force a 'friendship' for 6 months. I'd bet there'd be a whole lot of people recommending the OP tell him to 'fuck off' if he still wasn't getting the message after such a long time.

OP, you sound like you were totally at the end of your tether. You tried to get rid politely and it didn't work for 6 months. And I really don't agree with having to be friends with other parents for the sake of children. Children do just fine making their own friends. I was never friends with any of the parents of my kids' friends. I was always civil, but then none of them ever harassed me for 6 months.

Wow you've got some issues OP. Trust me your son is going to be very embarrassed by you when he's old enough to realise that all the other mums think you're a weirdo. If anyone makes small talk with me in public I always polite, even if they are a bit cray cray, because that's just good manners.

I'm not the most socialable person. I agree, we can't get on with everyone.
But she's not asking for an organ donation here, is she?!? She's being friendly and you have some pre conceived ideas re: the kind of person she is.
Most of us have been on the receiving side of this. As have friends of mine. I personally don't care if people like or dislike me but it does hurt when someone behaves like this.
You seem to also hate how engrossed they are in children and nothing else and I get that as well. But it doesn't warrant being rude and treating someone like shit, sorry OP.
You may not exactly be best friends but I wonder how it makes her feel when you act like that towards her?

Yes I can imagine that being annoying, and your signals are being ignored by her, I personally would have asked to have a word with her in private away from anybody, and told her that you find her behaviour very annoying and that you would like her to leave you alone.

That said, my niece who is in her 20's is like op, she is extremely introverted, not a people person at all, she does not like talking on the phone, and just has a small circle of close friends. My sister in law has told me that she has Aspergers, mabey op has that too.

I get why you got frustrated it's not nice to have things forced on you as such.

Can I just ask though that if you are not a nice person or very sociable how will your kids ever have paydates after school and things? I wouldn't like my kids going to someone's house if I didn't know there parent.