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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think the idea of having a soul mate or someone being 'the one' is bollocks?

128 replies

BoysofMelody · 03/08/2017 10:32

I would preface this by saying that I'm happily married, but cringe when I hear someone describe their partner as 'the one' or their soulmate. Isn't it funny how someone's soulmate more often happens to live or work with or near them, generally be of a similar age, social class and a similar level of attractiveness etc. (although of course, people do marry across class and age boundaries) but funny how very few people's soulmate is an 83 year old Maori or whatever.

As I said, I'm happily married, but if things had panned out differently, I could have been equally happy with someone else.

AIBU to think we aren't 'destined' to be with our partners and could have equally happy lives with quite a few other people?

OP posts:
JacquesHammer · 03/08/2017 19:42

they wouldn't want to be in another relationship if anything happened as they would rather be single

You know. I didn't realise I felt this way until I read this thread. But I do.

There'll not be anyone else for me now.

RiseOfTheLotus · 03/08/2017 19:46

Me neither. I would rather be single, and I never said that before dp.

IrritatedUser1960 · 03/08/2017 19:50

It is absolute bollox, I was sure i had found my soulmate until I was dumped for some two bit slapper.
Then I realised the stars and glitter was all in my head, it's very easy to build up and romantacise a shit relationship and you actually believe it/
There are only two types of men - shit and not shit. No soulmates.

ClumsyCow · 03/08/2017 20:10

Met DH when I was 17, he was 21, as soon i saw him, it was from behind, I just got this odd premonition that he would be someone very significant in my life, i had never felt that ever before. We have been married nearly 30 years and i would never go with anyone else if anything happened to him, in fact, i would not go on living without him, life would be to hard. He is definitely my soulmate, we are very alike, he is like someone i have known in a previous life, if that makes sense, like we were meant to be together

BitchQueen90 · 03/08/2017 20:15

I think it's a load of crap to be honest. Some people are very well suited to each other, have happy and loving marriages but I think the idea of a "soul mate" is rubbish.

But then I don't believe in fate and things are "meant to be" either. I dislike the idea of some higher power controlling my destiny.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 03/08/2017 20:21

With my previous long term boyfriend (nearly 3 years), I wanted to kill him by the end. I wanted him nowhere near me and we didn't even live together. I was so worried I would feel the same about my DP at around the same time but we have well surpassed that and I still adore him and can't wait for him to get home.

Shellym13 · 03/08/2017 20:22

I'm married to my "soul mate" and "the one". 15 years together and I'm still just as happy and get butterflies with every date. We have no kids but are happy as we are.

Fatrascals · 03/08/2017 20:26

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn at request of author

BonnieF · 03/08/2017 20:57

Of course "my soulmate" is complete bollocks by any objective analysis, but it's kinder and more concise than saying "I have only met 0.0000000000001% of the male population of the world, but of the tiny number I have met, my partner was the one to whom I was most attracted or with whom I developed the best emotional connection".

I'm very happy with my DP, but I also know at least one other person that I probably have more in common with and that I could easily see myself married to had we met 20 years ago when we were both single.

carjacker1985 · 03/08/2017 21:05

I love my husband, we click on multiple levels and I feel very deeply for him in a way that I wouldn't for anyone else. However do I think he's the only person on earth that I'd ever feel that way about? Of course not. Odds of me meeting the singular one person I could have that connection with are so slim, it seems impossible. Relationships are half chemistry and half timing, the fact that we were both wanting the same things and were available and in the same place at the same time contributed. I don't believe in The One I was destined for, but I believe he is the one have chosen.

All that said... if other people believe in soulmates, then have at it, you're not hurting anyone. It's sweet really.

DailyMailReadersAreThick · 03/08/2017 21:08

Completely agree there is no such thing. Ditto with "love at first sight."

If you're instantly attracted to somebody AND find out you love their personality, you were lucky.

If you find someone you're very compatible with, you were lucky.

There's no such thing as fate, destiny, etc.

Ginlovinglady · 03/08/2017 21:08

Basically the point of this thread is
The people who feel they have it think it's true
The people who don't, don't think it's true
It's completely subjective
Let the people who "have" it have it,don't tell them it's bollocks
And let the people who think it's bollocks, think it's bollocks.

Some people are more open to having a "one" some aren't
Love is different for everyone

Original poster
BoysofMelody · 03/08/2017 21:19

Basically the point of this thread is
The people who feel they have it think it's true
The people who don't, don't think it's true
It's completely subjective
Let the people who "have" it have it,don't tell them it's bollocks
And let the people who think it's bollocks, think it's bollocks.

I disagree, I would argue it is objectively a nonsense and given that we only meet a tiny portion of humanity, to say there's only one person who could make you happy and that person (more often than not) happens to be living close by, be roughly the same age and be of the same social class.

If you actually thought about it for a second, you'd realise it was an act of self delusion on a grand scale and at worse actively harmful.

OP posts:
peachgreen · 03/08/2017 22:06

I never feel there's any point in arguing with people about this because I know how vociferously I would have argued back before I met DH and though the idea of soulmates was absolute nonsense. I'm also very willing to admit that it's completely illogical to believe in 'the one' and not doing so makes far more sense. But I still do because I know what I felt and continue to feel.

Original poster
BoysofMelody · 03/08/2017 22:08

I know what I felt and continue to feel.

Because you feel something doesn't make it true!

OP posts:
peachgreen · 03/08/2017 22:14

It does in this instance. Obviously I can't categorically say that soulmates exist for everyone because I can't live someone else's experience, but I know DH is mine. Honestly, before I met him I would regularly say all the same things you're saying now. But now I just know.

RinonaWyder · 03/08/2017 22:17

Happily married almost three years, but I don't believe in the one either. We'd never be attracted to more than one person in our entire lives if the one was a real thing.

wineusuallyhelps · 03/08/2017 22:18

I agree wholeheartedly with you OP. I'm happily married but DH and I have just found one of our "ones" in each other, in my opinion.

MaidOfStars · 03/08/2017 22:26

Neither my husband nor I subscribe to 'soulmates' or 'The One'. We're firmly on Team Tim for this.

But this is a lovely way to describe what we are to each other I've met lots of people I could live with, only one I couldn't live without

MaroonPencil · 03/08/2017 23:36

Do you know this Proclaimers song OP? this thread reminded me of it!

"Six thousand million people in the world and you say there's just one/ The only one and you must be together."

mydogisthebest · 03/08/2017 23:37

No I never had any doubts before marrying DH. We married 4 months after meeting (didn't live together first) and both just couldn't wait to get married.

I have never ever met any other man that I thought I could live with.

I don't understand posters who talk about how hard they have worked for/at their marriage. In what way?

I am not trying to be funny but I can't honestly say me and DH have had to work at our marriage at all. We have always got on really well, mainly agree on things and anything we don't initially agree on we talk through but that's not very often.

Ginlovinglady · 03/08/2017 23:58

Boysofmelody
I don't disagree with you
That was not what I was saying
It's like trying to explain god
Some people have god in their life some people don't.
Some people say it's illogical, some people say it's True

The point I was trying to make is, some people need a soulmate (for getter words). And they seek it out, others dont. Much like god

Ginlovinglady · 03/08/2017 23:59

*better
Bloody spelling

Guepe · 04/08/2017 00:55

Objectively bollocks, but I don't get annoyed when people use it as an expression.

I do like the history of the term though. Was coined by Plato who said that humans initially had 2 heads, 4 arms and 4 legs. Zeus got in a huff over something and punished humans by splitting them in two. Each individual half felt incomplete without the other half (their soul mate).

alpacasandwich · 04/08/2017 01:42

RedStripe Are you the same user with the extremely troubled relationship who usually goes by RedStripeLassies?

Apologies if not, but I think if you are then it proves the soulmate theory is damaging...