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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think the idea of having a soul mate or someone being 'the one' is bollocks?

128 replies

BoysofMelody · 03/08/2017 10:32

I would preface this by saying that I'm happily married, but cringe when I hear someone describe their partner as 'the one' or their soulmate. Isn't it funny how someone's soulmate more often happens to live or work with or near them, generally be of a similar age, social class and a similar level of attractiveness etc. (although of course, people do marry across class and age boundaries) but funny how very few people's soulmate is an 83 year old Maori or whatever.

As I said, I'm happily married, but if things had panned out differently, I could have been equally happy with someone else.

AIBU to think we aren't 'destined' to be with our partners and could have equally happy lives with quite a few other people?

OP posts:

peachgreen · 03/08/2017 13:05

All I can say is that neither DH nor I believed in 'the one' until we met each other. I was 29 and he was 37. He'd been married before, I'd been in several very long term relationships, and we both believed that staying in a relationship was about choice and compromise, and there was no such thing as soulmates. As soon as I met him I knew pretty much instantly that I was wrong, that there WAS a right person for me and he was it. If you'd told me even an hour prior that could ever happen, I would have laughed in your face.

peachgreen · 03/08/2017 13:07

@DubaiismyBlackpool What you say about that initial feeling rings so true for me. As cheesy as it sounds I literally felt something click into place in my chest when I met DH.

Original poster

BoysofMelody · 03/08/2017 16:29

YABU to sneer and scoff if other people do

I don't think it is scoffing, I think it is being realistic, in fact I find the 'ooh he/she's my soulmate, I'm not going to stop looking til I find ' the one' is often trying to present their relationship or their search for romance as being ', special' and somehow deeper than the rest of us who they seem to think settled for any bugger who would tolerate the smell of our first morning fart.

OP posts:

JessicaEccles · 03/08/2017 16:39

My best friend is definitely my soulmate- even though we live miles apart and can go ages without seeing each other, I could talk to her for hours and it's like we have never been apart. Shame we are both straight, really...

I am not terribly romantic- but there was definitely a man who was The One. I am quite weird and don't click with many people. Unfortunately I wasn't his 'One'

early30smum · 03/08/2017 16:54

YANBU. I totally believe there is more than 1 perfect person for everyone, it's just circumstances/fate etc that determines which one (or ones!) you meet or why you don't meet any of them.

Ginlovinglady · 03/08/2017 17:00

I think it's a very deep connection that you can have with someone that is hard to explain
So in vocabulary terms soulmate comes the closest

KeiraKnightleyActsWithHerTeeth · 03/08/2017 17:10

The phrase "the one" makes me think of Mark from Peep Show.

FloofyCat · 03/08/2017 17:10

I think people that don't believe in soulmates, just haven't met their own one yet

Gannicusthemannicus · 03/08/2017 17:12

For the people in happy marriages, did you doubt whether they were the person you wanted to be with before you got married? Its just I've been told by all these fairytales and movies that you find someone and you are so in love that you just must marry them and be together forever...but from a lot of people on here it seems more likely you get to a certain point in life, want kids, so might as well marry whoever you are with at the time?

I suppose I'm clinging to the idea that I will meet someone and know 100% they are it, but its just leading to a lot of high standards that no man can meet.

trixymalixy · 03/08/2017 17:15

The people I hear describing someone as their soul mate are usually trying to justify having an affair...

HipsterHunter · 03/08/2017 17:17

@JessicaEccles I feel the same about ny best friend. Our relationship is much more than I feel about other friends or even partners! Totaly both straight but I think we would have a very harmonious relationship if we were gay!

rachrach2 · 03/08/2017 17:24

I think it's possible to have more than one soulmate, and, like pps have said, they can be friends too.

My husband is 'the one' as he the one and only man I've loved this way and married. I've no doubt other men could have potentially been 'the one', but they aren't, he is.

Batoutahell · 03/08/2017 17:24

I think someone can be a soul mate, but also other people could also be a soulmate. I think it's a case of 'a one' rather than 'the one'.

Cantspell2 · 03/08/2017 17:36

Is my husband my soulmate?
I don't know as I don't generally think along those lines but I do know I have spent the last 25 years married to the best man for me and I know when I lose him i won't want another relationship. I have had the best I won't need to fill a hole in my life as it has been filed already. He is not perfect but then neither am I but though the years he has become my everything.

If we had never met maybe I could have been happy with someone else but I think I would have been settling.

FloofyCat · 03/08/2017 17:37

I agree Bat and like to think that after I die, DH could potentially find someone else who would make him as happy as we have been. It's a comforting thought.

MeltorPeltor · 03/08/2017 17:42

For the people in happy marriages, did you doubt whether they were the person you wanted to be with before you got married?

Nope. I'd been in long term relationships before but had never committed to marriage or children, I've had happy relationships but this is the only one where I'm happy to spend the next 100 years with him, without question.

Riversleep · 03/08/2017 18:12

For the people in happy marriages, did you doubt whether they were the person you wanted to be with before you got married?

No, I didnt either. I had been in relationships before, but probably from quite early on knew we wanted to get married. he was with his previous girlfriend for 7 years. They split up because she wanted children and he didn't. Yet 6 months later, we met and 2 years after that we got married and now have 2 children. i don't know what the difference was. We rub along well, we get on and we make a good team. If anything happened to us as a couple, I doubt I'd have another relationship. I was bizarrely attracted to a woman for the first time ever about 2 years ago, ( I didnt do anything about it obviously and told him) but I have never been drawn to another man in the 15 years we have been together, and we have had times where we have just not got along at all and have had difficult times. I still don't believe in 'the one' though, even though he is my 'one' mainly because I am 99.9999% sure I won't get into another relationship. I would rather be single.

peachgreen · 03/08/2017 18:34

@Gannicusthemannicus I knew immediately and never had a single doubt. I'd never wanted to marry anyone else, ever. It was later in life than I would have liked but I'm so glad I waited.

Namechange54 · 03/08/2017 18:34

For the people in happy marriages, did you doubt whether they were the person you wanted to be with before you got married?

No, I absolutely knew I'd found my other half - I know it sounds twee, but it's true - genuinely have never been able to imagine being with anyone else or even been attracted to anyone else .

StillDrivingMeBonkers · 03/08/2017 18:38

AIBU to think we aren't 'destined' to be with our partners and could have equally happy lives with quite a few other people?

I've met lots of people I could live with, only one I couldn't live without. That's the difference.

FodieJoster · 03/08/2017 18:47

I guess I am my soulmate. At least, there is nobody else in the world I could imagine living with, spending 24/7 with. (I accept this may not be usual.)

gluteustothemaximus · 03/08/2017 18:55

I've met lots of people I could live with, only one I couldn't live without. That's the difference.

Oh yes! This is genius.

I met the one. There is only one for me. And I knew instantly. Can't explain it, definitely my soul mate (and wasn't a 20 mile radius either)

MagicMoneyTree · 03/08/2017 18:59

I've been about the block a bit, but knew after a couple of dates that I'd marry my DH. He said the same. Not sure if I'd describe him as The One but I definitely knew he was the one I'd been holding out for when previous relationships hadn't been quite right. There was just a feeling from the start we'd stay together that neither of us had ever had with anyone else. I do also have a friend who I'd class as a soulmate, who I have a deeper connection with than anyone else and can't quite put into words what makes her/our friendship different from others, it just is.

RiseOfTheLotus · 03/08/2017 19:18

I did the whole "yes he ticks the boxes" thing with my ex husband. We ticked along for 11 years, working at the relationship. I always thought if we broke up I would be ok and find someone else.

Then I met my dp a couple of years after my divorce and I can't explain it easily but there was an instant connection there from the moment I met him. The relationship is effortless and easy and feels right. We still have disagreements etc like most but we don't really have to work at it, it's just effortless and I could never see myself with anyone else.

I always think people who don't believe in this stuff just never found the person they should be with but instead settled for the kind of relationship I had with my ex husband where it's not bad but it just meh and lots of work!

RiseOfTheLotus · 03/08/2017 19:26

I find it weird that everyone is saying the same thing about their "one" - They just Knew when they met them, they have never felt the way they do about this person about anyone before and they wouldn't want to be in another relationship if anything happened as they would rather be single.

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