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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think the idea of having a soul mate or someone being 'the one' is bollocks?

128 replies

BoysofMelody · 03/08/2017 10:32

I would preface this by saying that I'm happily married, but cringe when I hear someone describe their partner as 'the one' or their soulmate. Isn't it funny how someone's soulmate more often happens to live or work with or near them, generally be of a similar age, social class and a similar level of attractiveness etc. (although of course, people do marry across class and age boundaries) but funny how very few people's soulmate is an 83 year old Maori or whatever.

As I said, I'm happily married, but if things had panned out differently, I could have been equally happy with someone else.

AIBU to think we aren't 'destined' to be with our partners and could have equally happy lives with quite a few other people?

OP posts:

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 03/08/2017 12:07

I don't believe in soulmates but it definitely felt really different with my DP.

We met at uni through a club and our home towns were over two hours apart. He was in a different year, on a different course and neither of us were 'meant' to go to that uni. He got in through clearing and it was my insurance choice.

When I first saw him, I just had this feeling that he was special somehow. I can't really explain it. I found out later that, when he saw me, he told his friend that he would marry me. Neither of us had spoken to each other at this point, just seen each other.

I'd had previous people that I thought I loved but with DP, I felt like I'd known him my whole life. We just fit together. I could never love anyone like I love him.

RhubardGin · 03/08/2017 12:08

Neutrogena

You have issues.

PinkHeart5911 · 03/08/2017 12:10

Pinkheart - and he is probably at it with another woman.So many threads on here about women being betrayed by 'the one' 😂😂😂

Meow! Did someone poo in your coco pops this morning to make you so bitter today?

FatGirlWithChocolate · 03/08/2017 12:11

I don't agree. Someone else might be lovely in their own right, but how could they ever be as lovely as DH? If he's not "the one" then we are both wasting our time being together really.

KarmaNoMore · 03/08/2017 12:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CaseStudyResearch · 03/08/2017 12:13

I think the idea of soulmates devalues the work DH and I put into building our lives together. We worked hard at it, it's not been easy but it's also meant that we have never taken each other for granted.

OvariesBeforeBrovaries · 03/08/2017 12:20

I agree. I'd never describe DH as my soulmate. I always think of soulmates as describing people who are very similar, and I think if there was more than one of me in a household it would implode

I'd describe DH as my best friend, because we were best friends before we got together. Soulmate/the one? No, I think that's naff.

CryingMessFFS · 03/08/2017 12:20

I don't think people saying it mean that their partner is literally the only person on earth for them. Same with soulmates.
I believe in soulmates in a bit of a different way - I don't think we have one specific one. I think anyone can be your soulmate. A partner, a friend, a relative. To me they are the rare people you have a connection with on a deep level, in a way that is effortless and is difficult to put into words.

FWIW I know logically I could have settled down and been happy with someone else but my husband is my 'one.' I've lived all over Europe and just happened to be at the right place at the right time to meet him, we clicked and I don't believe anyone could make me feel the way he does. No man did before. So in that sense I would say I've found the one. The connection and relationship we share is one I would not have with anybody else.

Some nasty posts on here.

BaDumShh · 03/08/2017 12:20

Hi Jenny Hands off, Kit is mine!!

I agree with the OP. You find someone you love, and who loves you, and you make it work because you both want to. Sometimes you both grow apart and it no longer works. It wasn't that they weren't "the one" - maybe they were, for that amount of time they were in your life.

ittakes2 · 03/08/2017 12:21

I think of my husband as my soul mate as we connect on a certain level. I met him at a night club in a different country to where I was born. He's like no one I have ever met and we have very similar values and likes. Within months of dating him, I had a feeling he was the man I was going to marry and we have been together for all most 20 years.
But that said - I do think people can meet someone and be happily married - and yet if they hadn't of met that person - then they could have still met someone else and be just as happily married to them.

mydogisthebest · 03/08/2017 12:25

I am not sure if I believe in soulmates or not. I do know though that I can't imagine feeling the same way about anyone other than DH. Of course we argue but we are still madly in love after almost 40 years.

He is my best friend as well as my husband and lover and I am also his best friend. We have recently been on holiday for almost a month and both loved every second of it. We have worked together too and never had any problems.

We never seem to run out of things to talk about and share lots of interests.

Almost all of our friends are on second, third or even fourth marriages and I am not sure any of them are really happy. They seem to be forever moaning about each other and also seem to love spending time away from each other.

Two friends have husbands who retire soon and they are already moaning about when their husbands will be home all day, under their feet etc. I love my husband being home and wish he could retire sooner.

We are always cuddling and holding hands. We walk along the street holding hands and have even had people commenting how sweet that is

Beebee7 · 03/08/2017 12:26

I agree with Rhubarb and Squoosh. Some very judgemental and rude comments on here aimed at people who regard their partner/spouse as their soulmate.

They are either projecting their own issues, and/or they are jealous/unhappy in their own relationship.

corythatwas · 03/08/2017 12:27

People are different. Some people have a great need to be with someone. Somebody else might be less worried about being in a relationship as such, but go for it when they meet somebody who really meets their needs.

For my db his identity is very much tied up with being a family man: when his first longterm relationship ended he went straight into the next one. I don't think he has been "out of love" for more than about a fortnight since he reached puberty. Now happy in other longterm relationship, but I can't imagine he'd stay a widower for very long if something happened to his partner.

I otoh find a lot of my identity in my work. Dh is the only boyfriend I have ever had, but when we broke up early in our relationship I did not enter another relationship during the 18 months or so we were apart: I started on a PhD instead. I then went into nearly 10 years of LDR, living in different countries under very straightened circumstances, because I wanted him and nobody else. It wasn't because nobody else offered, it was because nobody else was him.

We have now been happily married for nearly 25 years. If something happened to him, I doubt I'd be rushing out looking for a new relationship. Not because of any special beliefs, just because that's my personality. A relationship as such isn't that important to me, but dh is. As a person. I probably demand quite a lot in the sense of "clicking".

One person's bollocks is just... another's person's life.

CalmItKermitt · 03/08/2017 12:27

Of course it's nonsense.

Like when people say things like "It was fate! Just think, if I hadn't missed the bus I'd never have met Nigel in that taxi queue"

No. You'd have ended up meeting someone else somewhere else at some point.

sobeyondthehills · 03/08/2017 12:28

I believe in soulmates in a bit of a different way - I don't think we have one specific one. I think anyone can be your soulmate. A partner, a friend, a relative. To me they are the rare people you have a connection with on a deep level, in a way that is effortless and is difficult to put into words.

^^
This. My best friend is my soulmate. I love my DP, but we put alot of effort into our relationship, with me and my best friend its a lot less effort, maybe because its different expectations.

Just to add with my best friend we are both straight females, I am older than her, we are of different backgrounds, class and live opposite ends of the country

Beebee7 · 03/08/2017 12:29

Some people also sneer when someone regards their husband as their best friend. WTF is that about? Some people DO, and there is nothing wrong with it, or weird about it, and it's nasty to scoff and sneer.

Puts me in mind of someone who scoffs and mocks when someone says they are good friends with their (young adult) daughter. Like it's not possible, or it's a joke! Just because YOU don't experience it, that doesn't mean others don't. Stop being rude and mean!

MeltorPeltor · 03/08/2017 12:32

Not a soul mate. I married him because he is the least annoying person I have ever met. He married me because he's tolerant :D

He's also younger than me and has a bloody nice bottom

DubaiismyBlackpool · 03/08/2017 12:33

Met my soulmate at a bus stop enroute to a wedding. I knew straight away he was 'the one'. I was 26, divorced mum of 4 living on a sink estate. He was 18, lived with his parents on a lovely posh estate miles away.
Because I was a bitter 26 year old divorced mum of 4 decided to stay well away from him - he was obviously a bastard, just by being male, as my previous exs were. He was very friendly to me, I was very rude back.
Over the course of the next 3 years we kept on running into each other, he remembered me and I was more polite but dismissive. Then he asked if he could take my boys to play footie, visit museums, go to the beach, all of us went for days out together. Then he asked if we could 'Do' the opera, just the 2 of us. Then could we 'Do' the science museum, but without the kids so we could read the descriptions. He still came in between 'dates' to play footie/board games/picnics with the kids.
Eventually, I asked him to marry me cos he was a great dad - very tongue in cheek - and he said yes.
We got married 3 weeks later. No, we hadn't DTD before that, I was very religious, he was a party animal but respected me.
Still married 22 years later.

I had been severely burned by doing the 'norm' with guys before, yeah some of them were nice, some were handsome and nice, occasionally tummy flips too, the one I married was ok at first, but the initial response to first seeing them was nothing like when I first saw my DH, my soulmate.

waitforitfdear · 03/08/2017 12:37

Meltor we need a bottom photo

Bee agree totally if dh wasn't mr next mate and love him I would have killed him by now.

Am great mates with all my grown up kids too.

Some people are miserable gits.

DearMrDilkington · 03/08/2017 12:40

I think there's someone for everyone but I don't believe in the soul mate crap.

Hastalapasta · 03/08/2017 12:44

Cryingmess are you me?
Exactly what I was going to post.
Nothing else useful to add.....

squoosh · 03/08/2017 12:44

If someone views their partner as their ‘soulmate’ or The One it’s no skin off my nose. Some people do have exceptionally happy relationships and maybe they would have lived a single life if they hadn’t met this particular person. Not everyone is a serial monogamist.

It’s only cringey if someone refers to their partner as The One when in public. ‘Have you met Jim my soulmate?’. No one needs to hear that!

JacquesHammer · 03/08/2017 12:45

YANBU to not believe in the concept of soulmates

YABU to sneer and scoff if other people do.

Different people believe life works differently. I wouldn't be arrogant enough to assume mine was the only way or indeed the right way other than right for me.

TikiWaikiki · 03/08/2017 12:50

Id say my best friend is my soul mate there's 10 years are difference between us but we get each other. Whilst I love my husband very much we do have a firey relationship and some days could strangle each other but I couldn't imagine being with anyone else

HarryBiscuit · 03/08/2017 12:53

Dubai that's lovely

I agree that a soulmate can be a friend or relative too.

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