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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think the idea of having a soul mate or someone being 'the one' is bollocks?

128 replies

BoysofMelody · 03/08/2017 10:32

I would preface this by saying that I'm happily married, but cringe when I hear someone describe their partner as 'the one' or their soulmate. Isn't it funny how someone's soulmate more often happens to live or work with or near them, generally be of a similar age, social class and a similar level of attractiveness etc. (although of course, people do marry across class and age boundaries) but funny how very few people's soulmate is an 83 year old Maori or whatever.

As I said, I'm happily married, but if things had panned out differently, I could have been equally happy with someone else.

AIBU to think we aren't 'destined' to be with our partners and could have equally happy lives with quite a few other people?

OP posts:

Beebee7 · 03/08/2017 11:09

I'm in two minds. I met DH at university and have been with him since I was 21. I fairly sure I could have had a happy life with someone else, but almost twenty years later I can't imagine starting again with someone else and having the same connection. If something happened to him/we broke up for some reason, I don't think I'd look for another relationship.

This ^

It's a tricky one. I don't know if soulmates exist. I mean, I do love my DH, and we have lots of laughs, and lots in common, but some days I want to throttle him, (and he does me probably! LOL!!!) We clash occasionally, and have a huge fight, and then we will go for 6 months with no scrapping, and getting on really well.

But is he my soulmate? I don't know. As the poster I quoted said, I can't imagine being with anyone else, at all, ever, and I doubt very much I would bother looking for anyone else (if he died or we split...) I don't think I would ever feel as comfortable with anyone else, nor could I 'be myself.' I feel like I would just feel awkward with someone else in my home, in my bed, in my life.

But are we soulmates? I honestly don't know. I guess we could be. Or maybe as a previous poster said, most people just settle early on in life with a man who is 'good enough,' and ticks a few boxes. A man who has all his own teeth, is ok looking, is employed, and is half decent. So you get married, and carve a life together, and get to the point where you just 'get used' to each other. But are you soulmates? It's all subjective really.

Anecdoche · 03/08/2017 11:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SpuriouserAndSpuriouser · 03/08/2017 11:19

I agree and therefore they should put up with any amount of shitey behaviour they're the 'one' and no one else can make them happy.

I agree with the 100x over. How often do you see threads on here from women who are with complete bastards, but say they couldn't leave because they love them? It's bullshit, and damaging.

EmotionalTeaspoon · 03/08/2017 11:24

and at the end of the day, they arent hurting anyone, and if they genuinely feel that way then who is anyone else to rubbish that?

Absolutely, if those people are in happy relationships. It's the ones who are in unhappy or abusive relationships who stay because they think that one person is the only person possible for them that it becomes a problem. Or people who keep rejecting perfectly good partners because they have a highly romanticised ideal of what a relationship is and think that if they could only meet 'that one special person' everything would be easy and there would be no give or take, or compromises, or minor disagreements EVER.

BabsGanoush · 03/08/2017 11:30

An 'old' friend believed in soulmates. Every new bloke was her soulmate. She went through several, some she married, some were married to other people. All bollocks.

RedStripeHoliday · 03/08/2017 11:39

i believe in soulmates. I also think love is more than just chemicals in your body. It's deeper than we know and you can't explain it with science.

ajandjjmum · 03/08/2017 11:42

There's no such thing as Mr. Right, just lots of Mr. Near as you're going to get!

And then you build a life with the one you meet - hard work at times, but you can get the satisfaction of doing it together. Hopefully the good times outweigh the bad, and you keep on loving each other.

We spent the day with our adult children recently, and ended it by saying we 'did good'!! Might have happened with another 'soulmate', but I'm glad I met the one I did.

pongoismyhero · 03/08/2017 11:45

yanbu, it's total bollocks

I also think it's quite a depressing way of looking at things, thinking there is only one possible person you could be happy with.

waitforitfdear · 03/08/2017 11:46

My sil met a bloke when she was 23 and he a married 53 with a wife with major physical and mental health issues.

They started a sexual relationship with full knowledge and support of his wife.

Wife died 3 years ago and my sil married him. He was then 88!

That's a hell of a relationship from all angles

RhubardGin · 03/08/2017 11:47

@RedStripeHoliday

I agree 😊

Riversleep · 03/08/2017 11:47

I think it's nonsense too. You meet lots of people, some you are attracted to and you get on with and they become your partner. If people had only one perfect partner, surely it gives them a pass to move into someone else? They thought their current partner was their one true love, until they met someone younger who shags like a train who they realise is actually their soulmate!

Namechange54 · 03/08/2017 11:48

I think you ABU (a little bit anyway). Fair enough you don't believe in the concept of soulmates, but no need for anyone on here to denigrate those who do, or judge their relationships.

I met my DH when we were both just kids really, we fell in love, grew up together, got married and had kids. I can't imagine things without him for the simple reason that the majority of my life has been with him, our lives and memories are all intertwined. It doesn't mean we have the perfect marriage, or that he's perfect and doesn't drive me crazy at times, and that we don't row every so often. It doesn't mean if I'd been living somewhere else I wouldn't have met someone else who I might love equally. It just means I feel lucky that we found each other - nothing wrong with that surely?

anonymice · 03/08/2017 11:49

what if your soulmate lives in Argentina and you live in Basingstoke

Beebee7 · 03/08/2017 11:53

Yeah I agree that there is no need to judge peoples relationships. I saw someone post further back, that 'it's an indicator that people have problems in their relationship' if they say they are their partner are soulmates. And then someone further down the thread agreed with them!

WTF?

BeetlebumShesAGun · 03/08/2017 11:53

I also came on the post the Tim Minchin video Emotional posted! Tim Minchin is my fantasy husband.

That said, I do often wonder at all the coincidences and tiny factors, separate decisions by me and DH that led to our meeting. One tiny thing could have led to us never meeting each other. I know this is the case for many, many, people. But in my more romantic moments I do wonder if we were "supposed" to meet!

...then I think of the Tim Minchin song and balance is restored

BeetlebumShesAGun · 03/08/2017 11:53

Came on TO post... not came on

squoosh · 03/08/2017 11:55

People, maybe especially women, have a more romantic view of marriage these days in a way they couldn’t afford to in years past. In 1817 if a man had all his own teeth, earned a decent living, and kept his fists to himself that’s all it would take for a sensible woman of meagre means to think ‘Yep, he’ll do’. Now that women are financially independent, can vote, and all the rest of it, they can afford to look for something more than ‘is he likely to throw me out on the street if I burn his pork chops?’. Hence the idea of soulmates is more prevalent these days.

RedStripeHoliday · 03/08/2017 11:57

We're in the minority it seems rhubarb

Butteredparsnip1ps · 03/08/2017 11:58

I'd come at it from another way. I don't agree that you meet a ready made soul mate, but I think as you grow as a couple you can become soulmates

RhubardGin · 03/08/2017 12:00

I think some posters are definitely projecting some of their own relationship problems.

It's pretty nasty to start a thread to mock and belittle people who believe a certain way.

LesisMiserable · 03/08/2017 12:01

It is bullshit but its lovely bullshit and the world needs more of that 😍

Neutrogena · 03/08/2017 12:01

Pinkheart - and he is probably at it with another woman.

So many threads on here about women being betrayed by 'the one'

histinyhandsarefrozen · 03/08/2017 12:03

Most of my boyfriends have been soulmates! I'm easy like that ;)

squoosh · 03/08/2017 12:05

Pinkheart - and he is probably at it with another woman.

Is there any need for that?

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 03/08/2017 12:05

I'm very torn on this as I believe that what I have with my OH is very special, obviously.

However, I am also generally quite realistic about things and that actually served me badly in my former marriage. I thought being realistic about people not being perfect meant putting up with a thoroughly awful human being who eroded every bit of my self worth.

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