Is it unreasonable to invite a (male) old school friend to my house when I am about to get married?

[ConfusedAndDistressed]

I've upset my husband-to-be very much tonight, and he is talking about leaving.

The problem is that an old school friend of mine came over at dinner time. He lives a long way from here, and always pops in for a few hours when he is down in this part of the country visiting his mother (about five times a year). He has four or five people that he visits in this way, some male and some female.

My husband-to-be is from a different culture, where men and women don't mix socially in the same way. He doesn't see this as a cultural difference, and thinks that I have shown him a lack of respect. He says that I deserve to be single all my life and that I am playing games with him.

I am confused and upset. He knew this friend was coming, we had talked about it and he said he didn't mind at all.

Just to be clear, I have known my old friend for over three decades and our relationship has always been that of old school friends. We share a lot of history together, and talked about people we both know, but did not exclude my partner from the conversation. I am confident there was no flirting going on - there never has been!

I don't think I am being unreasonable, but am almost hoping I am wrong. ..

If he was so against things outside of his culture then why is he dating a woman outside of his culture? See this all the time with Indian/Pakistani men - they want to date/marry a nice 'slim' and 'pretty' white women over Indian/Pakistani women (and really put Indian/Pakistani women down) but expect these white women to behave like an Indian/Pakistani born woman would.

You should leave.

Tell him to stick his backwards and outdated culture up his arse, whatever said culture is.
How dare he?
Plus, the 'not minding' your friend visiting, and then threatening to leave you because he did, makes it sound like he's gaslighting you, but using 'culture' as a get out of jail free card to keep you subjugated.

For your future welfare, don't marry him, OP.

Daisy it is down right dangerous to say things shouldn't be challenged because they are 'cultural' beliefs

I didn't say not to challenge beliefs. I just don't agree with it being equated to say the person needs to grow up. That's different.

I went on to say that the OPs DP may well not ever be able to change his way of thinking. Its down to the OP to decide what her tolerance levels are towards being controlled to that extent.

Culture is engrained deeply since childhood and what a person deems acceptable is part of their belief system

That's true to a certain extent.

However, belief systems do change depending on personal experience, education and character.

My siblings and i grew up in a strict muslim culture where this kind of segregation was the accepted norm.
As adults, my siblings and I are sensitive to others beliefs but we do what we feel is right.

We can see the idiocy in that kind of thinking and we don't subscribe to it.
Maybe it's because we were brought up and educated in the UK and have therefore assimilated into the 'british' culture?

Our parents still hold those views but even they have mellowed over time

I'd go further HeebieJeebies : I was raised in a conservative south Asian culture (and actually physically there as well). When I was in school it was expected that I wouldn't speak to boys beyond any basic discussion of schoolwork etc. Over the years culture has changed dramatically (in some parts of society, not universally) and my sibling and I challenged a lot of those cultural mores. More interestingly my parents adapted to and by the time we were in college were actually okay with us dating etc, and it's been funny to see my conservative dad be the one who has sensible advice when we're going through a breakup etc. I can easily understand why I changed, but seeing my parents change has been fascinating.

When my cousin married a Caucasian partner they were the first to welcome the DP into the family and convince cousin's parents to accept the new member etc etc.

So culture is deeply ingrained but does get questioned. And even "back home" lots of people question the built in misogyny and sexism of many practices. Not universally mind you, but just to say sometimes the old country is modernising more rapidly than even immigrant communities here who seem more stuck in the past.

I bet he hasn't left yet and never had any intention of leaving, either. It was a control technique. You will be in for a lot more of this if you stay with him, OP.

As others have said, it's not the different views per se that are the issue - but that he seems to have reacted so badly despite 'not minding'.

If you had known this reaction was likely would you have chosen not to see your friend or thought twice about your relationship?

If you (can) stay together either he gets used to the idea or you give in to his beliefs - and I can predict which is more likely. I would be concerned if I had daughters particularly.

Well cultural differences do exsist but lots of cultural differences seem very good at keeping women as second class citizens and are medieval in outlook.

Do not marry this man and actually stop dating him also as he is still culturally very much back in his home country in his head what if you had dc? Because how would they be brought up?

What Peanut said - with bells on

It doesn't really matter if someone's behaviour is due to their cultural background, or their upbringing, or a book they read that influenced them greatly, or a difference in their brain chemistry, or their desire to control you.

If you don't like their behaviour, you can choose not to be with them

i would walk - if my DP couldnt trust me to be alone with a man, then i dont want to be with him to be honest