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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it unreasonable to invite a (male) old school friend to my house when I am about to get married?

136 replies

ConfusedAndDistressed · 02/08/2017 21:30

I've upset my husband-to-be very much tonight, and he is talking about leaving.

The problem is that an old school friend of mine came over at dinner time. He lives a long way from here, and always pops in for a few hours when he is down in this part of the country visiting his mother (about five times a year). He has four or five people that he visits in this way, some male and some female.

My husband-to-be is from a different culture, where men and women don't mix socially in the same way. He doesn't see this as a cultural difference, and thinks that I have shown him a lack of respect. He says that I deserve to be single all my life and that I am playing games with him.

I am confused and upset. He knew this friend was coming, we had talked about it and he said he didn't mind at all.

Just to be clear, I have known my old friend for over three decades and our relationship has always been that of old school friends. We share a lot of history together, and talked about people we both know, but did not exclude my partner from the conversation. I am confident there was no flirting going on - there never has been!

I don't think I am being unreasonable, but am almost hoping I am wrong. ..

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 02/08/2017 21:54

You know what? When you stand up to get married you should feel like the luckiest person in the world.

This man will be very damaging to your mental health and every aspect of your life. You will have to pretend to be someone you're not.

You know this. The irony is that HE is thinking of leaving. Where's your gumption, OP?

BeepBeepMOVE · 02/08/2017 21:57

Seriously?

Why would you tie yourself to such a controlling selfish man?

He is having issues with the fact you had dinner with a man. A man you have known for over 30 years? A dinner he knew about and was actually at?

Behaviour like this will only get worse. Do you or are you planning children with him?

Original poster
ConfusedAndDistressed · 02/08/2017 21:58

Thank you for confirming I am not crazy. I really thought I had done nothing wrong. My partner went upstairs and had a shower, and my friend left (after hanging around a bit to say goodbye to him) telling me that we seemed like such a happy blended family.

I know my partner is genuinely upset and finds this difficult to deal with. I had already agreed not to invite men to the house alone (eg local residents association members etc ) as I know it is hard for him to adjust. We had talked about making an exception for my old friend, as this is the only way I can see him.

I was in an abusive relationship with my children's father, and I have completed the freedom programme and I know how to spot red flags. This is a huge, glaring red flag being waved right in my face. .. and yet it is the only one. My partner is not controlling in other ways. He's an uncompromising character with a difficult life history, but generally an honest and open man who is willing to discuss things. I want there to be a way through this, but I am not sure there can be.

I feel so calm and yet my heart is breaking. We have four children (his and mine) and they all want this so much.

OP posts:
BeepBeepMOVE · 02/08/2017 21:59

Also "Lack of respect"?

What a fucking hypocrite!

How much respect is he showing you?

Alanna1 · 02/08/2017 22:00

Why don't you try counselling?

Shoxfordian · 02/08/2017 22:00

I don't see the way through here either

He is completely unreasonable. There is no way I would marry someone like this. Ever.

Mum2jenny · 02/08/2017 22:03

I couldn't marry such a person, sorry but it's got so many red flags I just couldn't.

CaoNiMartacus · 02/08/2017 22:06

It may be the only red flag, as you say, but it only takes one red flag to make an abusive relationship.

TheGrumpySquirrel · 02/08/2017 22:06

Please, please don't marry him. The kids will get over it.

EllaElla · 02/08/2017 22:11

YANBU at all. You have done absolutely nothing wrong. My assumption is that your old school friend is of your own 'culture', as you have indicated that your fiancé is from a different one? Was your fiancé raised abroad or in the same country as you, albeit in a culturally different situation? Perhaps it's jealousy that you share a long (though non-romantic) history and related culture with this friend that made him feel inadequate for you and then caused this backlash (- perhaps while he was included in the conversation he felt excluded culturally if you see what I mean!) it is certainly not an excuse but would go a bit of a way towards an explanation of his perspective?

Liara · 02/08/2017 22:12

I would sit down with him and write down all the things that you consider normal, and he does not, and talk genuinely and openly about whether he can grow to accept that you will continue to do them all.

Only if he absolutely can would I even contemplate marrying him.

Cultural differences are hard to navigate, but the only way is for the person from the more restrictive culture to learn to deal with the more open one. The converse can never work in the long term.

MaisyPops · 02/08/2017 22:12

So he's trying to make himself seem reasonable by allowing you one male friend and then getting moody over it?

You have had to agree to not spend any time alone with a man to keep him happy?

Sounds like he's using cultural differences as a cover for being a controlling dickhead.

It only takes one red flag OP. Leave.

EllaElla · 02/08/2017 22:13

That said, it is a pretty big red flag, so I do suggest you guys work it through rationally and make an informed decision as to whether it will work long term!

EllaElla · 02/08/2017 22:15

Liara has given good, rational advice.

ZaphodBeeblerox · 02/08/2017 22:26

Also you're already not allowed to be alone in the house with men? So if a (male) plumber needed to come in, they'd have to wait for your OH to be back? Sigh OP it won't be possible for him to change. Maybe a few people really walk away from everything they learnt as children, but those few people really grow up critically evaluating those aspects of their culture that they find uncomfortable. He seems like he is perfectly comfortable within his cultural norms. He's not going to change. he might even make all the right noises when you talk, but once you're married and more "stuck" there will be a slow escalation of expectations until you don't recognise yourself anymore!!!

ASqueakingInTheShrubbery · 02/08/2017 22:28

I see two red flags here. One, that he won't allow you to spend time with men, and two, that he will "allow" you to see your friend and only afterwards see his arse over it, by which time it's too late to have a conversation about it as it's already happened. That sort of moving the goalposts strikes me as abusive. The first, while it's not something I would be willing to accept, at least he's upfront about. I agree with the PP who said if he's this controlling now, he's likely to get worse after you're married.

ShatnersWig · 02/08/2017 22:34

Do not marry this man. Walk away now.

Mxyzptlk · 02/08/2017 22:46

I can imagine being in your DP's situation and maybe feeling a bit left out if my DP had a friend round.
I'd not make any fuss about it, though, I'd get over it like a sensible adult. Why is he not doing that?

Gileswithachainsaw · 02/08/2017 22:53

It will get worse when you marry. Please just dont.

You can't exclude fifty percent of your work colleagues, fellow club attendees etc for the rest of your life.

And you can't allow him to make you.

If he's like this when he knew all about it and was there the entire time just imagine what would happen if you invited a neighbour in cos the wife locked him out or someone from work dropped over something you left on your desk etc

Pleas just don't Flowers

pinkdelight · 02/08/2017 22:54

The no men allowed from the residents association rule is already a red flag too far, even before this madness about your friend. You can't marry a man like that. He doesn't want you to be who you are. He doesn't trust you. And being uncompromising is not a characteristic that bodes well for a happy marriage. Especially when it relies on you already making major compromises. See this as a lucky warning before the wedding. Your DC will understand. Your and their happiness is too important to risk on this.

Trills · 02/08/2017 22:59

I would not choose to date, let alone marry, someone who was "from a culture where men and women don't mix socially" unless he had strongly demonstrated that he was rejecting those norms.

Trills · 02/08/2017 23:01

you only have a limited set of choices: abide by his culture, get him to change his mind and adapt to your culture, or break up

I agree very much with ZaphodBeeblebrox

He is not going to change so these are your only choices.

cuirderussie · 02/08/2017 23:02

Run. Sad

EastMidsMumOf1 · 02/08/2017 23:11

Just because someones culture is different doesnt make it wrong. OP you knew his cultural views before you decided to get married but I can understand when it actually comes into practice it can give you abit of "culture shock". Hes not unreasonable in his way of thinking BUT as this was pre-agreed he is BU.
Im married to a man of a different culture who shares the same views and I agree with them, although some of my friends can sometimes be abit Hmm

ChasingHighs · 02/08/2017 23:17

Don't marry him.

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