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AIBU?

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Original poster

Is it unreasonable to invite a (male) old school friend to my house when I am about to get married?

136 replies

ConfusedAndDistressed · 02/08/2017 21:30

I've upset my husband-to-be very much tonight, and he is talking about leaving.

The problem is that an old school friend of mine came over at dinner time. He lives a long way from here, and always pops in for a few hours when he is down in this part of the country visiting his mother (about five times a year). He has four or five people that he visits in this way, some male and some female.

My husband-to-be is from a different culture, where men and women don't mix socially in the same way. He doesn't see this as a cultural difference, and thinks that I have shown him a lack of respect. He says that I deserve to be single all my life and that I am playing games with him.

I am confused and upset. He knew this friend was coming, we had talked about it and he said he didn't mind at all.

Just to be clear, I have known my old friend for over three decades and our relationship has always been that of old school friends. We share a lot of history together, and talked about people we both know, but did not exclude my partner from the conversation. I am confident there was no flirting going on - there never has been!

I don't think I am being unreasonable, but am almost hoping I am wrong. ..

OP posts:
TeaCake5 · 03/08/2017 06:11

Not allowing men in the house from the residents association?! Dont marry this man. His "cultural" demands will only get worse.

fuzzywuzzy · 03/08/2017 06:16

And actually if he was the same culture as you and had all these 'rules', would you put up with it?

If not, why would you let him mistreat you due to his alleged cultural sensibilities?

Any man/woman who attempts to bans you from seeing friends/family, effectively isolating you from your support network is a big red flag and you should walk away from them.

mummytime · 03/08/2017 06:20

I wouldn't be marrying him - sorry.

What cultural compromises is he making for you?

HappyAxolotl · 03/08/2017 06:21

Jealous men don't improve. They get worse. Marry him and it won't be long until you've got a black eye for smiling at the postman. Of course by the time he starts battering you your friends and family will have been chased off. And you won't be on here anymore as you'll already have copped it for supposedly picking up men online, so net access will be out of the question as well.

These pathetic men do not get better. Ever. There is nothing you can say or do to cure his jealousy.

TwoBobs · 03/08/2017 06:24

Run for the hills! I would not marry a man like that. It will only get worse once you are married.

gamerwidow · 03/08/2017 06:34

This is a massive red flag. The fact his culture expects it does make it OK to control who you can or can't see in your own home. Don't be fooled into thinking this is anything less than controlling misogynistic behaviour just because other men in his family do it.

gamerwidow · 03/08/2017 06:38

Doesn't make it ok not *does

daisychain01 · 03/08/2017 06:41

Just to be clear, having to come to terms with cultural difficulties has absolutely nothing to do with "growing up".

Culture is engrained deeply since childhood and what a person deems acceptable is part of their belief system.

OP you may never get your future DH to accept your choice of friends. I'd seriously consider your position, its likely to get worse after a few years of marriage even if he temporarily tries to see it from your perspective

OnionKnight · 03/08/2017 06:44

I had already agreed not to invite men to the house alone (eg local residents association members etc

Run to the hills.

eurochick · 03/08/2017 06:44

You are about to continue the pattern of abusive relationships. Don't do it to yourself or your children.

thegirlupnorth · 03/08/2017 06:45

Your partner was there and he has a problem with it?? He is already controlling you and you are allowing him to. Please do not marry him, once you are "his" he will exert total control. The kids want a happy life, with their mum suffocated it won't be! You know what to do, I hope you find the strength.

lborgia · 03/08/2017 06:45

I don't know if it's been said, no glasses it's all a bit of a blur. ..but it isn't that he's upset about it that is the red flag, it's the way he's spoken to you. Hope you are single your whole life? What? Not nice at all.

pigeondujour · 03/08/2017 06:47

*Just to be clear, having to come to terms with cultural difficulties has absolutely nothing to do with "growing up".

Culture is engrained deeply since childhood and what a person deems acceptable is part of their belief system.*

No. Plenty of people challenge and reject the unpalatable elements of their own culture. He's choosing to believe his sex makes him superior to the OP and should allow him to control her. Because he's a prick.

IdentifiesAsYoda · 03/08/2017 06:49

I wonder what it was about him that attracted you? Was it his "certainty" (dogma?) where yours had been eroded by an abusive relationship in the past?

I agree with others - big red flags. I think it's really great that you took the step to post on here.

gamerwidow · 03/08/2017 06:54

Daisy it is down right dangerous to say things shouldn't be challenged because they are 'cultural' beliefs.

gamerwidow · 03/08/2017 06:57

P.s. If it's controlling and abusive in one culture then the same implies in all cultures.
You don't get a free pass because you have stupid beliefs.

astoundedgoat · 03/08/2017 07:02

Did you challenge him about how he is being disrespectful towards you and your cultural beliefs?

I honestly can't see this improving and there is no context in which this man is a good model for your children.

The Freedom Programme taught you to recognise the signs of an abusive relationship - please don't start trying to explain this away.

Livingdiisgracefully · 03/08/2017 07:07

This man is a massive hypocrite. It's okay for him to go against his 'cultural sensitivities' to form a relationship with you. I presume you've spent time alone together! But yet it's not acceptable for you to spend time with a long-term friend. And even with someone from the residents association. He's using his religion selectively to put himself in the controlling position. By the way, is he allowed to work with women? And maybe, gasp, have meetings on his own with them?

Sorry OP massive red flag. Please don't ignore this just because he may be marginally better than your previous abusive partner.

morningconstitutional2017 · 03/08/2017 07:24

I repeat what others have said here. This is a massive red flag. You may not want to believe it but you really are better off single than in a relationship like this.

And 'you many be single for the rest of your life?' Please believe me it's a damn sight better than being with a man like this. It really is.

LadyLapsang · 03/08/2017 07:25

What religion / culture allows a guy to live with a woman as if she were his wife, yet she cannot talk to a man from the residents association? You have already left one abusive relationship, don't get involved in another one.

GinAndSonic · 03/08/2017 07:30

How long have you been together? You said your friend visits about 4-5 times per year, why has this not come up before?
I think he's being abusive. It's not even the not wanting you to socialise with men bit that's most worrying, it's the moving the goalposts afterwards. You accommodated his (unreasonable) demands but he's now decided that wasn't good enough and he's "disrespected"? He's just told you that whenever he wants to be a cunt to you, no matter if you did exactly as you were told, he will be a cunt anyway because "disrespect" is a flimsy, nebulous idea he can fling about whenever he feels like it.

Would he say you were disrespectful for posting this? Probably.
Where is his respect for you? When you met, when he was a man that you weren't related to that you were meeting, did he respect you then? Or was he secretly thinking that you were some kind of hussy for meeting a man? Think on it. I suspect this man has never had an ounce of respect for you.
Will "culture" be a defence when you are forbidden from talking to friends about your concerns because it's disrespect?
Is he going to decide that since respect is obviously a one way Street for him, that you need punishing? How will he do that?
And the children. You will have sons that grow up to do this shit and daughters trained into servitude.

NOPE THE FUCK OUT OF THERE NOW.

Ceto · 03/08/2017 07:30

What would severely concern me about this one is the mind games he has been playing. You can't tell someone you don't mind at all about something they propose to do, and then after they've done it tell you how upset you are about it and how they were disrespecting you. You especially can't do it when you live in a place where the culture is that what they did was totally inoffensive. What makes it particularly ridiculous is that he was present when your friend came - it's not even as if you were on your own, not that there would have been anything wrong with that anyway.

I'd suggest you turn this one round, and tell him how disrespectful his behaviour towards you has been given the implied lack of trust; and, in particular, how utterly hypocritical it was. And yes, tell him you will be happy to be single if he thinks that's an appropriate way to behave towards the person he apparently wants to marry.

StillDrivingMeBonkers · 03/08/2017 07:36

Does he already have his UK residency/citizenship ?

wordy17 · 03/08/2017 07:40

..and what is he going to do, confused, if you stand up yourself? What exactly do you think he will do if you insist that you are not wrong? Will he leave you as he threatens?

What about the future if you try to stand up for yourself?

I'm sorry but I agree with everyone else, you need to end this. I had a decade long mixed culture relationship and while I am sure that some do work, it is very very difficult, more than I ever would have thought.

TestTubeTeen · 03/08/2017 07:44

How are you this morning, OP?