Is it unreasonable to invite a (male) old school friend to my house when I am about to get married?

[ConfusedAndDistressed]

I've upset my husband-to-be very much tonight, and he is talking about leaving.

The problem is that an old school friend of mine came over at dinner time. He lives a long way from here, and always pops in for a few hours when he is down in this part of the country visiting his mother (about five times a year). He has four or five people that he visits in this way, some male and some female.

My husband-to-be is from a different culture, where men and women don't mix socially in the same way. He doesn't see this as a cultural difference, and thinks that I have shown him a lack of respect. He says that I deserve to be single all my life and that I am playing games with him.

I am confused and upset. He knew this friend was coming, we had talked about it and he said he didn't mind at all.

Just to be clear, I have known my old friend for over three decades and our relationship has always been that of old school friends. We share a lot of history together, and talked about people we both know, but did not exclude my partner from the conversation. I am confident there was no flirting going on - there never has been!

I don't think I am being unreasonable, but am almost hoping I am wrong. ..

Run for the hills and don't look back

I think at the very least I'd want to delay the wedding and have couples counselling first to see if you can make it work if he is willing to cooperate. Try to find a counsellor with experience of this kind of mixed marriage if possible.

Your DH needs to understand that his cultural norms do not automatically overide your cultural norms.

If he wants to marry you then you will both need to compromise.

He may well expect you to just fall in line with his cultural norms, which I don't think you should as it will make you unhappy.

Put the ball firmly in his court, be strong, stand up to him and see what happens.

If he wants a submissive wife, then tell him to find someone from his cultural background.

If he wants you (which presumably he does) then he should accept that you come from a culture where men and women do socialise without any flirting, and that you are not going to go to ridiculous lengths to make sure there is a man present every time you want to call a plumber or whatever.

Hopefully he will realise he is being an idiot and will lose you if he doesn't compromise. If not then sadly I don't think you should marry him.

Btw have you met your MIL to be yet?

How is that going?!

Living with someone from another culture is more difficult than most people realise. If you can't work out this issue you will find more problems down the line.
It's not something I could abide by.
Is it because he genuinely doesn't trust you or other men or is it because he worries that others from his culture will judge him if he doesn't enforce this on you?

EastMidsmum, how do you cope with the plumber thing? Do you wait for your husband to come home before anything gets fixed? Do you actually agree it's wrong for you to be alone in the house with a man?

Marry him and you will live to regret it

There is a couple in my extended family like this. OP they have been married for 30 years and the woman is not allowed to:

• speak to a man
• be alone when plumber electrician etc comes over
• shake hands with a man
• be in a taxi alone with a man
• say hello to male gym staff
• work alongside men
• engage with his male friends when they come to the house. His Mae friends agree and will barely acknowledge her presence.

He extended this behaviour to his daughter and then only allowed her to work as long as she guaranteed there were no men there. She thankfully got out but he is still slowly killing her mum

There is culture and there is any excuse for control...that could be your life too

OP it sounds like he is divorced and living with you.

Presumably his previous wife was from his culture and that didn't work out.

(Apologies if this is not the case- I'm aware he could be a widower)

Feel free to point out that he is being a total hypocrite if he is living with you when you aren't yet married, but he is expecting you to follow the old fashioned rules when he doesn't.

Also point out that you love his kids and the family situation works and is he really going to throw that away and upset his kids for the sake of some old fashioned tradition.

Good luck.

I don't know what your chances are of salvaging this, but you may as well try and see what happens, what else have you got to loose. Just don't give in to him you will be like a prisoner.

And why are you doubting yourself?

You would rather hear that YABU than confront the fact that your partner is being beyond unreasonable?

Please, please do not get married.

Take a long hard look at this OP. Then look again.

Don't make this mistake.

I couldn't marry a man like this and I'm very much a people pleaser.
Why can he not adapt to your culture instead of showing you disrespect?
I could see fitting in with his culture if you were living in a different country, but at home - no. I would expect someone to learn the cultural norms of this country and abide by them, I just couldn't live this way.
And the goalpost changing- well that's just beyond a red flag

I had already agreed not to invite men to the house alone (eg local residents association members etc )

No, I couldn't get into a relationship that thought this was normal.
Why aren't you allowed to invite people to your house?
I have a couple of male friends I've known for 20 years. I've met them separately to my husband before when we've been on night outs together. All just as friends.
Why would that be a problem?
My husband is my husband. Would never dream of cheating.
Your dh /dp is being ridiculous and you need outside friends.

I could/would not even go on a single date with someone from such a backwards culture, let alone marry them. These sorts of beliefs have no place in modern society.

Do not marry this man. This is just the tip of the iceberg.

I couldn't marry someone who forbid me from interacting with 50% of the population, some of my best and most valued friendships are with men, I wouldn't give those up for culture.
If he wasn't hiding behind the fact it's 'in his culture' and an Op was on here saying 'I'm not allowed electricians in the house, I'm not allowed to work with men or see my male friends' we'd all be calling it emotional abuse.

mxyp why would you be upset if your Dp had a friend round?

This is a huge, glaring red flag being waved right in my face. .. and yet it is the only one
With this kind of controlling behaviour - there's always more.

My partner is not controlling in other ways
That you're aware of - yet!
They usually wait until they've got their feet well under the table before showing the rest of their true colours.

You say he's 'open' and will 'discuss' things, yet He's an uncompromising character with a difficult life history

From my experience, what that means is - "i will happily discuss why MY view is important/the right one, but i won't back down and ultimately it is my way or the high way"

I think you may need a refresher course on the Freedom Programme - this is a might huge red flag he's waving at you and you're looking for ways to 'manage' it rather than walking away

If his cultural is so important to him in that respect - what was he doing socialising with YOU - a woman he's not related to?

Let me guess - it's ok for MEN but not for women?

Run. If this is the Culture I think it is, your life will be controlled and miserable. If you choose him (which you will. You won't listen to anyone here probably), you should say goodbye to all your friends, freedoms he will suddenly deem not allowed in his Culture, etc. Happy life ahead for you, not.

What a hypocrite. He's living with you and has had children with you. Yet you're not married. If he's from the culture I think he is, having sex out of marriage in some countries can land you as a woman in prison. Take a look at this article:

www.futurescopes.com/romance/love-and-sex/3243/countries-where-sex-outside-marriage-crime

I hope he has only fathered sons with you

Run run run

I could not be with a man who behaved like that. Why on earth would you let someone dictate who you are allowed to speak to?!
My DP works away during the week, I'm 21wks pregnant and an spending tonight having a takeaway and DVD night with my ex-husband. We're very good friends. DP trusts me.

You have four children, together or sepeprately with previous partners?

If the the latter ru whilst you have no ties.

He I said controlling what's wrong with having the housmoney my association meeting in your house, a group of people in your house should be no problem and he was present when your friend came over.
He was being rude and then inh inhospitable to your friend by stropping off upstairs without saying goodbye.

Run, don't tie yourself to this man. This is enough of a red flag to show you what kind of life you'll be living if you choose to go ahead and marry him. Do you want to walk on eggshells & be scared everytime an old male friend says hi to you in the streets/on social media. Next he'll find a reason why his culture doesn't allow you to have female friends or be with family.

Ditch him.

I honestly think this is a massive red flag. So your fiancé is about to own you , as he sees it, and he thinks he can start telling you who you should and shouldn't see? Get the hell out of that relationship. Of course he is being massively unreasonable. You deserve to be single all your life? No, i think not.

Don't get married because the kids want it to happen. Think about what his treatment of you will role model for them in the future. You've been in an abusive relationship before and bravely got away. Don't subject yourself to this, you deserve better.

If your DC's are boys, do you really want them growing up to think that it is normal for a man to dictate to a grown woman who she can and cannot see?

Do you want your Dc to grow up watching a man manage your life like this?

If you have girl/s I honestly think you want your head examined if you are prepared to make a man with such views on women their official married step father.

Your instincts are right. You are not going crazy, you are not being unreasonable, and you have recognised the giant red flag; sadly this cannot work.

Also, what horrible things he said to you!

This is a red flag for how he may handle things that go 'against his culture' once you're married.