Is it unreasonable to invite a (male) old school friend to my house when I am about to get married?

[ConfusedAndDistressed]

I've upset my husband-to-be very much tonight, and he is talking about leaving.

The problem is that an old school friend of mine came over at dinner time. He lives a long way from here, and always pops in for a few hours when he is down in this part of the country visiting his mother (about five times a year). He has four or five people that he visits in this way, some male and some female.

My husband-to-be is from a different culture, where men and women don't mix socially in the same way. He doesn't see this as a cultural difference, and thinks that I have shown him a lack of respect. He says that I deserve to be single all my life and that I am playing games with him.

I am confused and upset. He knew this friend was coming, we had talked about it and he said he didn't mind at all.

Just to be clear, I have known my old friend for over three decades and our relationship has always been that of old school friends. We share a lot of history together, and talked about people we both know, but did not exclude my partner from the conversation. I am confident there was no flirting going on - there never has been!

I don't think I am being unreasonable, but am almost hoping I am wrong. ..

You deserve to be single all your life This is horrible and wrong on so many different levels I don't know where to start.

Use your previous experience to help you make the right decisions. You have already been sucked into not having men in the house. Don't YOUR 'cultural differences' count for anything? e.g. Women treat men as normal friends/individuals/equals not potential sex attackers?

Please think long and hard about marrying this man. He obviously doesn't think much of you if this trifling incident has him talking about leaving. I would say that you agree with him that you are incompatible and that his attitude is unacceptable and it's time to go your separate ways. A dodged bullet imo.

do. not. marry. him. OP

You did nothing wrong.

Just to be clear, having to come to terms with cultural difficulties has absolutely nothing to do with "growing up

It absolutely does.

This is a man who was more than happy to socialise with an unmarried woman (OP) alone without a male chaperone.
This is a man who is happy to create a blended family and live with someone outside of marriage (guessing sleeping with each other out of marriage)

If you are from a conservative cultural background then both of those would be no nos (as would probably mixed culture relationships).

... and yet he gets to claim culture as an excuse for controlling behaviour?

Not a chance. He needs to grow up and stop deciding that he can play the culture card when it suits his agenda. He is a jealous and controlling man who wants all the freedoms associated with British culture whilst using his own culture as an excuse to keep women in their place.

If he's against you being alone with males in your house why did he then trot off to have a shower while your friend was there?
This inconsistency makes me think the control is less to do with his culture and more to do with how he wants to control your life.

This is as a warning sign. If this is how he behaves at the start what could happen further down the line.

YANBU. Think very carefully about whether you want a marriage where you are controlled.

it is a pretty big red flag, so I do suggest you guys work it through rationally and make an informed decision as to whether it will work long term!

I agree with this and with Liara's advice. It is a rd flag but it is not necessarily a stop flag IYSWIM. I would say don't marry him yet. Your expectations need to be sorted out first and if you cannot come to a proper agreement between you (and I don't mean you giving in) then don't marry him. It won't work for either of you or the children.

As an aside, I do find it interesting that on threads where a female poster is posting about her male partners female friends there are always some posters who say he can't be friends with them.

Yes soupdragon some posters do seem to have double standards regarding friends of the opposite sex. Jealously and controlling who your partner can or can't see isn't ok whoever is doing it.

You have 4 children with this pyscho? Strewth....

Leave him for god's sake. Put your kids first.

I would not even consider marrying this man. As for showing him a lack of respect - I would suggest it's the wrong way round.

Agree soupdragon. There's always some people who think women can have male friends but men shouldn't have female friends (because female friends are temptresses who will pounce on unsuspecting men).

That said, this situation is more than the OP's partner not liking a friend and more about his desire to police her contact with the world.

Your husband is being an arse and you need to get to the root of the problem here fairly quickly. What level of "behaviour" is he going to "expect" from you in future?

This is mumsnet though. Plenty of women post here in tears that their male partners have female friends so there is clearly a level of behaviour that is expected on all sides. I havent been able to discern what it is yet (or even if its the same for both men and women).

I agree, double standards are often in evidence. And things can, between the right people, get worked through.

Here:
The OP has already agreed not to allow Resident Association contacts into her house

Was not meeting the make friend out for dinner but in her home with DH present

He had said it was ok but then turned on her

The OP knows she INBU but "is almost hoping she is wrong " I.e that she can live in his version of events and life,

DH and I have married into very different cultures, he into mine and vice versa. Some of our own things we have held onto for ourselves, but don't expect the other to uphold, some things we have made respectful compromises (typically about what foodstuffs don't get brought into the house), some things we have dropped completely from our own expectations.

Neither of us expects cultural norms from one side to affect what the other does, or curtail what they see as their freedom.

If DH had any cultural norms that he wanted to keep and were something I couldn't live with or were against my values (snatching polygamy out of the air as an example, nothing do do with either of our backgrounds) then I would walk away, and vice versa.

Yes, it's not only one red flag, it's lots, you just aren't seeing them.

It would be incredibly foolish to marry him. I'm sure you love him & that all the kids want this, but you would be signing up for a lifetime of misery.

A few things...

• you aren't allowed male friends, fellow committee members etc to visit your home when you're alone.

• he threatens to leave when he's pissed off about something (thus ensuring you don't ever upset him)

• he tells you that 'you deserve to be single' (because you go against his wishes)

Do. Not. Marry. This. Man.

RUN. Run & be grateful you had this experience before you married him.

You obviously learnt a lot from the Freedom program, but you've got a little way to go yet. Please listen to what almost every poster has said.

"You have 4 children with this psycho "

This is not what the OP said. There are at least 3 references that indicate that her kids are not his. RTFT.

How did you get to the point of blending families with a man who kicks off and insults you if an unrelated man steps over your threshold? If this is his 'culture' then presumably he's been showing you who he is from the beginning of your relationship.

My friend married a man like this. His controlling behavior became far worse once they were married (ie when she became his "property") and she left him less than a year into the marriage as she wasn't allowed to do anything without permission. I'm sorry OP, but I think you know what the answer is.

I'd leave. He sounds like a nasty manipulative shit.

I'd certainly not marry him, try asking him why you can live with him before marriage etc, but can't see any men alone... See what his thought process is, may tell you a lot.

So it's ok to socialise with you before you are married.

It's ok to 'allow' you to have your friend round while he is there.

It's ok to then decide that he wasn't allowing it after all as you can't be trusted with other men.
It's ok to control your social life and stop you taking part in community life because it would include meeting men.
It's ok to blame you for acting like an adult who can be friends with whoever she pleases and punish you for it.

It's ok to threaten to leave and be vile to you when he realises that he perhaps can't control who you are friends with.

All this just before you get married.

Stop now this will only escalate once you are married and he considers you 'his' and starts to clamp down even more on what you are allowed to do and who you are allowed to see.

He is a complete hypocrite using his 'culture' on you but ignoring it himself.

Think you have been given a lucky escape.

Don't marry him op he's bad news

This is really bad.

"He knew this friend was coming, we had talked about it and he said he didn't mind at all. "

This I could not deal with. Mind games. He said he didn't mind. Now he's acting like a cunt.

RUN.

I think you really need to think about this marriage. Things change then and it could be for the worse for you.

OP a friend had a boyfriend like this - happy to pick and choose from his culture when it suited him. Sleeping with a woman outside marriage and drinking alcohol = fine. Her Mexican candles with religious imagery = big show of offence and turning them to the wall in disgust ( in her house where he was a guest!) He got more domineering and disrespectful and she realised he was never going to change. Lucky escape for her. I hate these hypocritical men.