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AIBU Or is DS?

120 replies

strumthehairyharp · 01/08/2017 19:44

DS is 17 in September and thoughts are turning to driving lessons, car etc. DS knows we are looking at around 2k for car insurance, plus lessons, driving licence, test costs etc.

He refuses to think about getting a PT job over the holidays or anything after the holidays as he feels he doesn't want to get a job 'at his age' and that when he goes back to school in September he'll be too busy doing his a levels (maths, chem, biology) to be able to work.

His life consists of staying up until 2/3am on the Xbox then sleeping in until lunchtime every day. He will sit around and wait for his food to be brought to him (or he just snacks from the fridge) and he needs to be told to shower / clean teeth etc.

He let slip today that his friend has got a job in McDonald's so I suggested that with the big expense of getting him on the road looming it might be a good idea to try and get a job there too. Nope, I don't want to do that he said, don't fancy working in McDonald's. Anyway, he said. You are the parent, it's your responsibility to keep me until I'm an adult (and further if he's in university etc) and then I'll get a proper job.

His attitude sickens me to be honest. There's no drive in him at all, he appears to have done well in his GCSEs but he's naturally bright so he didn't exactly work his socks off before them.

He's appalled to think I'm expecting him to WORK over his holidays, holidays are just that apparently, a break from working. Never mind he's just returned from a 3 week Florida holiday.

At the moment he doesn't ask for money as he has no social life at all. Fine but I do think it wouldn't hurt him to try and earn a bit towards getting on the road. Perhaps I'm BU? Do all parents just pay for everything?

OP posts:

wheredoesallthetimego · 01/08/2017 19:45

No money upfront for driving but you'll match pound for pound what he earns. That'll give him an incentive. You can always give more if he buckles down.


mrsmalcolmreynolds · 01/08/2017 19:49

Well it's simple isn't it? No contribution from him = no driving lessons, insurance etc and he can fund all that from his "proper job" when he gets one!

Is he required to do anything round the house?


BellyBean · 01/08/2017 19:49

He'll be at a big disadvantage When he does decide to get a job after graduating if he has no experience.

I certainly wouldn't be paying for car, petrol, insurance etc if he wasn't willing to work.


TippyTinkleTrousers · 01/08/2017 19:51


Nay, get your arse out there and work buddy!!

I worked my butt off since I was 13 and I expect my kids to do the same from 16 if they are want these things.

Psst, it's very possible to do A levels and work as well. 😜


Birdsgottaf1y · 01/08/2017 19:52

Yes you should still 'keep' him, but that doesn't mean driving lessons. He can choose them for his 18th present, of course.

It sounds as though his mates who are working will be planning Ibiza/Malaga etc next year and once again, you keeping him doesn't include that.

However, If you are very well off, then I'd pay to set my teen up on the road.

His mates will outgrow him, if he's sat on the Xbox whilst they are working etc, which might be an incentive in itself.


strumthehairyharp · 01/08/2017 19:52

He's not required to do anything around the house regularly but if I ask him for help he's generally willing. I do think his painful lesson will come when he discovers a social life and needs money to fund it. It's his attitude I hate, he seems to have this opinion that we have to keep him until he finishes university and gets his 'proper' job.

He's the type though to make sure he stays in education for years and years so that we can keep him.

OP posts:

AuntMabel · 01/08/2017 19:53

You are the parent, it's your responsibility to keep me until I'm an adult (and further if he's in university etc) and then I'll get a proper job.

Where did he get this sense of entitlement from? Can't be his mate who's willing to flip burgers!


titchy · 01/08/2017 19:54

Keeping him means proving food and shelter, internet and books to study. It doesn't mean driving lessons. Simple - no contribution no lessons.


TestingTestingWonTooFree · 01/08/2017 19:55

Why are you taking him lunch? Lazy toad. DH and I worked evenings/weekends/holidays to fit in with school/uni and would hope that our children will do the same. He won't employ people who haven't done a stint in retail/hospitality/factory work.


steff13 · 01/08/2017 19:55

Our eldest son is 18. We still "keep" him in that we feed him, and keep a roof over his head. He has unlimited use of our electricity and water. :)

He works, though, and has since he was 16. We paid for his driving lessons and gave him a car, but he pays for insurance upkeep. If he decided he didn't want to work, then he would lose the car and insurance.


EdmundCleverClogs · 01/08/2017 19:55

Once again, as said on the previous thread, why do some people think it's that easy for 16 year old to get a job these days? Especially considering adults have a difficult enough time finding one.

Anyway, he said. You are the parent, it's your responsibility to keep me until I'm an adult

He's not actually wrong in this respect, however how was he ever going to have an ounce of motivation when he knew you were looking up cars/insurance etc without even being told he'd have to fund it himself? If he has no reason to need money, he'll never want to earn it anyway.


strumthehairyharp · 01/08/2017 19:56

It seems that it's a given that we should get him a car / lessons/ insurance / test etc as 'it's part of a parents responsibility to give their children these things!' That's the attitude he has!

Same as going to college and university, whilst he's there apparently it's like he's in school so we have to keep him. He's shocked at how he's expected to work AND go to college? And don't talk about working during holidays, they are holidays and purely for relaxing (and staying up even later on the Xbox)

OP posts:

tissuesosoft · 01/08/2017 19:58

Why would you encourage your DS to be on the road when he is too lazy to wash or come and get his own meals??


Voiceforreason · 01/08/2017 19:59

No they don't! All my children had jobs from 13 with paper rounds and girls helped at stables. One cleaned the church hall and loos, one was dental receptionist. One painted and decorated. My husband taught them all to drive and then we paid for each to have 10 lessons to polish them up. They bought their own old bangers and we insured them for first year. No one ever told me it was our job to support them after school days. In fact my son spent his first wages on a dyson for me, bless his heart. Don't let you Ds grow up feeling entitled. Let him understand that work gives you dignity and purpose. My nephew has just started in a very very part time way this holidays packing sports wear he is 14 and loving it. He is saving for a bike.


strumthehairyharp · 01/08/2017 19:59

As for the 'sense of entitlement' he's always had it. From a young child. He's been a bit of a golden boy, very bright academically and he's never really had to work for it, it all comes easy to him and he enjoys the feeling of superiority it seems to give him. It's an element of his personality I hate to be honest.

OP posts:

MagentaRocks · 01/08/2017 19:59

My dsd is exactly the same. Tried for years to get her to get a job. No interest in it, no get up and go. Just spending all her time in her room on the computer. It drives me mad, but I no longer get involved in any of it as I find it too frustrating. The sad thing is she is very talented at art and could have a good chance of a decent job in the art field but until she grows up a bit and stops acting like a 12 year old it won't happen.

Yes as a parent it is your responsibility to provide, food, shelter etc but not extras when he has such a poor attitude.


aramintafatbottom · 01/08/2017 20:01

He sounds lazy and entitled. It genuinely surprises me at the lack of motivation to do something with his life. I have had a job since 14 and most of my friends did too. Not the best jobs in the world but it was money. I am only 21 for Christ sake so it wasn't a million years ago either. I find it hard to believe there is no jobs for 16 year olds. There are plenty. They might be shit jobs that nobody else wants to do and crap money but experience is priceless.


mrsmalcolmreynolds · 01/08/2017 20:02

Could his attitude about being "kept" and no clear requirement to contribute to the household be linked? He seems to think it's all one way.

Of course children should have their needs (food, clothing, safe and loving environment, education) met unconditionally but it sounds like he is getting luxuries (x-box, meals brought to him) without being expected to contribute anything in return - he does things (generally) when asked but that's a bonus.


strumthehairyharp · 01/08/2017 20:03

Thanks for your replies. I struggle with this as I was brought up at the opposite end of the scale and I had to work bloomin hard for everything, my parents had no money and little inclination to help me with anything. I worked sewing cushion covers for £1 per hour after school from 15 years old and worked in a bar whilst in college before going on a youth training scheme. I scrimped and saved to put a banger on the road myself and worked myself up from there. I probably overcompensated with my children and I think they know that.

OP posts:

Mrswinkler · 01/08/2017 20:03

Stop looking at buying him a car then.


Booboobooboo84 · 01/08/2017 20:04

Oh dear unfortunately it's time to shoot a rocket up his arse. I'm afraid from now on son the wifi code changes on a Sunday. And you need to pay ten pounds to get the code. This ten pound charge also covers your contribution towards driving lessons, mobile phone bills anything in fact that isn't essential to 'keep you'.

You will be doing him a bigger favour in the long run instilling this work ethic. And stop telling him when to eat/brush his teeth etc. He is 17 you won't be at uni in a year to remind him.


fleshmarketclose · 01/08/2017 20:04

Our dc funded their own licence lessons and tests (from their wages) we paid them back when they passed their test and they used that and a hefty donation to buy their first car. It was the norm amongst their friends to work around sixth form.
Our dc got a job as soon as they left school after GCSEs shop work/ waitressing etc.
I'd just point out that keeping him doesn't include funding a car or lessons so if he isn't prepared to work then he will have to learn to drive and fund a car after uni when he gets a job!


steff13 · 01/08/2017 20:04

Once again, as said on the previous thread, why do some people think it's that easy for 16 year old to get a job these days?

I'm sure the availability of jobs depends on the area. His friend has found one, there's no reason to believe he couldn't, too.


indigox · 01/08/2017 20:06

Stop enabling his attitude. Don't pay for lessons/car/insurance.


strumthehairyharp · 01/08/2017 20:07

How on earth do I change this? DH feels the same as me and is frustrated at his lack of drive. Trouble is he'll actually come out with excellent GCSE results (very probably) and he uses this to say well why are you moaning? I'm doing great in school etc. 'What else do you expect' he says. And I feel he's right in a small way but even so, a job would be great for him.

OP posts:
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