AIBU Or is DS?

[strumthehairyharp]

DS is 17 in September and thoughts are turning to driving lessons, car etc. DS knows we are looking at around 2k for car insurance, plus lessons, driving licence, test costs etc.

He refuses to think about getting a PT job over the holidays or anything after the holidays as he feels he doesn't want to get a job 'at his age' and that when he goes back to school in September he'll be too busy doing his a levels (maths, chem, biology) to be able to work.

His life consists of staying up until 2/3am on the Xbox then sleeping in until lunchtime every day. He will sit around and wait for his food to be brought to him (or he just snacks from the fridge) and he needs to be told to shower / clean teeth etc.

He let slip today that his friend has got a job in McDonald's so I suggested that with the big expense of getting him on the road looming it might be a good idea to try and get a job there too. Nope, I don't want to do that he said, don't fancy working in McDonald's. Anyway, he said. You are the parent, it's your responsibility to keep me until I'm an adult (and further if he's in university etc) and then I'll get a proper job.

His attitude sickens me to be honest. There's no drive in him at all, he appears to have done well in his GCSEs but he's naturally bright so he didn't exactly work his socks off before them.

He's appalled to think I'm expecting him to WORK over his holidays, holidays are just that apparently, a break from working. Never mind he's just returned from a 3 week Florida holiday.

At the moment he doesn't ask for money as he has no social life at all. Fine but I do think it wouldn't hurt him to try and earn a bit towards getting on the road. Perhaps I'm BU? Do all parents just pay for everything?

Stop telling him to do stuff like brushing his showering. He'll soon get the picture when even his mates won't go near him, let along girls (if that's what his preference is).

My parents paid for me to have a car and lessons etc when I was 18 but I also had a few odd jobs over summer hols - newsagent, pub etc. I'd explain the cost and ask him how much he'll be contributing. If the answer is 'nothing' then explain he won't be getting a car.

Alternatively, take him to a car auction and see what's going for around his budget (what he has in savings). Explain that you expect him to buy the car and have it serviced MOTed etc but you'll cover lessons and insurance.

Keep in mind that whatever you do for DS you'll have to do for DD too.

It sounds like you are telling him his attitude is ok by your actions. I was very clear to my son that if he wants to live here rent free then he can do so if he is working or studying. If not he will have to pay rent and/or find somewhere else to live.

I wouldn't be bringing him food. And I wouldn't be paying for anything for him including driving lessons. Make that clear and stay clear to it. He only has the attitude he has because he's being allowed to. Even if you are saying it's wrong if you are then facilitating him by bringing him food and paying for driving lessons etc your actions are telling him his attitude is ok. You have to make it clear in both words and actions that his attitude is unacceptable.

He also needs to be told to pull his weight. I used a rota do I didn't need to keep "asking".

You also need to think that if you don't need nip this in the bud you are setting him up for a big fall when he hits the real world where no one gets a free ride!

Love the wifi code idea!

The really mollycoddled kids often fall apart at university. They don't have the stamina or discipline when both initiative and lots of hard work are required.

I got a saturday and holidays job when I was 15 in a cafe. Then when I was 16 I got another rjob at our football ground in match days. I saved from then to when I was 17 to pay for my driving lessons test etc. I passed in 3 months and bought my car (£600 car?!) and insurance £1400 for th year. All on my own.. I didn't expect my parents to pay and I certainly didn't want them to either!! I also paid rent from when I was 17 due to me having a full time job! (and being at college on part time course). Which I really think led me to being able to be good with money and saving, and me and my partner bought our own house when I was 20 because of being taught the value of money and not just expecting to be given things.. I'm now 22. Your son needs a wake up call!

Ha ha ha is he joking? Driving is a luxury that he should work for. Spend the thousands you would have spent on lessons on a nice holiday for yourself and DH and tell him that his spoilt attitude means no driving unless he pays for it himself end of.

Good luck OP!

I don't think you should approach the changes in a punitive way, but as a positive change: increased age gives extra opportunities and more grown up responsibilities.

Creating more team work in tne family, taking in more grown up roles.

My 12 year old said stop buying him clothes, paying for his phone etc until he gets himself into gear. She does have a point.

She knows that when the time comes we will buy 50% of a car but she'll have to do the running around for the other 3. And then share the car when they get old enough.

And if you do it for one you do it for all, so rod and back come to mind.

Three Steps To A Strong Family: Tpb https://www.amazon.fr/dp/0684802880/ref=cmswwrcppapip_UPDSrSi1hcFmi

Is a good book on entitlement if you can ignore the over the top American part. The principle is good though.

Get him to write a list of what he thinks he's entitled to (cross most of it out) and start from there.

You have quite a short time to get him up to self sufficient and socially capable or he's going to look like a bit of a prat at uni.

I wouldn't even be contemplating getting him on the road. Both of mine had driving lessons for their birthday, but we didn't buy either of them a car straight away (shared mine). Both of them also had jobs from 16 and carried on all through A levels. Yes it can be difficult to find jobs if you live in the arse end of nowhere, but generally youngsters are in demand in shops/hospitality and can find something. As a previous poster suggested maybe telling him you'll match his earnings to pay for driving lessons ŵould motivate him? If not, then clearly he isn't that bothered about driving so let him go without until he's keen enough to contribute.

All I can think of reading this is how he's going to grow up and make a lovely cocklodger for some poor woman one day.

What worries me is his lack of respect for you. He can't talk to you the way he is. It's utterly abhorrent.

You're in charge! Just tell him. Your bad attitude is why you can't have nice things. No wifi until you've showered etc

Done this have the T-shirt.

Ok step back from the I want it all DS and take back control.
Tell him that times have changed and you won't be financing the car, or the lessons or anything else. If he wants to be stuck in his room on his Xbox that is his choice, you are fine with him doing this.
Don't give him anymore than you do now, you are not a trust fund to make his summers great.
You don't have to pay for him to learn to drive, as you will be paying everything for him , car , insurance and petrol, as well as spends so he can go out. YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO THIS.
Once you accept he doesn't want to change,doesn't want a job and no amount of your nagging will do this, and you just carry on and enjoy your summer, your going to be much happier.

Honest it is brilliant once you stop trying to HELP him.

I be disgusted in his attitude, I worked from 16, the summer after GCSEs, I paid for my own car, insurance etc, parents paid for the lessons so met in the middle.

His entitlement is appalling and you need to nip it in the bud, a full change in his house duties, wifi turned off if they're not done, get a job or no car etc. He has no idea of the real world!

Like previous posters have mentioned, he will find it difficult to get a job post-uni if he hasn't done any work before it.

Im currently in my first post-uni job. I worked in retail from 16 and all throughout my degree and masters, interspersed with stints of temping in an office. Without the transferable skills that this work gave me, I wouldn't be employed now. It also teaches you how things like tax and national insurance work, how to budget etc. It could open up a social life for your son too.

I've got a 16 yo - i love these threads and often quote them to DP at our parenting low points (of which there are many).

We have tried to give our DS money in exchange for jobs for years but it appears that he would rather go without than get off his arse and off his phone for ten mins; in one famous incident he turned down £50 to valet my DP's car and spent the afternoon laying on his bed.

However, he does have a job this summer, very low pay but it's keeping him in KFC and lairy trainers (both of which we refuse to pay for). If nothing else, seeing colleagues get fired for bringing their own sense of entitlements and laziness into the workplace has been a wake up call for him, I think.

Personal hygiene for teenage boys seems to go one of two ways - over here its showering at least four times a day and leaving sopping wet towels everywhere. I think this phase comes with potential romance

I wouldn't be so sure of those "amazing" exam results until he has them in his hand.

For lots of lazy, bright kids this is the first big wake up call. They might have flicked through the revision guides like "yeah yeah yeah, I know all that" - but do they actually know it?? Actually making the facts stick in your mind to the point where you can not just reproduce them at will but offer your own analysis ...it's a lot of work. And it only gets harder. As pp have indicated, even with decent or even good grades, if his sole interest is flopping around at home, home is where he'll stay 'cos there ain't no uni that's going to be impressed by that!! Competition is so tough now, and if kids who haven't had to endure difficult childhoods and who have had everything handed to them on a plate can only offer up lukewarm grades and that's it....they'll be laughed out of town. And so they should!

Your son's attitude to money stinks but beyond that I would be concerned that that belies a deeper set attitude that "as long as I'll show up, I'll be fine" and that life owes him something (other than just the driving lessons). He needs to pull his head out of his arse and pronto. It is more of a cut throat world out there than ever. Life owes him nothing - especially when there are legions of other bright and actually hard working young things out there with many strings to the fledgling bows.

I think he needs a biiiiig wake up call otherwise you could be saddled with him for far longer than just 18years!

I do appreciate that you're frustrated, but he really needs to learn that not everything will be handed to him on a plate.

He either gets a job or he doesn't get a car. Don't give in whatever you do.

strumthehairyharp this isn't your fault, what ever the rest say, this is just your son, he isn't a bad kid, he is just a product of his generation.
Get your DH to agree with you and tell your son you accept his choice of lifestyle, and that had he wanted to go out like his sister you would have given him the odd X amount to have fun with friends, this is not a thing that he can ask for to be back credited, as it was not a loan to his sister, and if he thinks it's unfair he should gone out himself.
That he won't be the first of his group to learn to drive, as you won't be paying for lessons, as he is a room slug, so doesn't need to drive as he can use the bus. which you will pay for him so he can still go to school.
Phones, since you do it for his sister that is fine, but phones once he leaves home for UNI will be up to him not you, as he won't be living at home.
It's not worth the rows to stop his internet, food not allowed in rooms, and maybe ask the DD if she wants to be paid to do jobs, and pay her in front of him.. So he can see she gets her pocket money this way.
Unless he wants a job he won't get one, and he may just be like mine who told me this year she just didn't care about going out or working, DC went to UNI and was fine, always went to class, and enjoyed it, but we don't pay a penny towards her lifestyle, as if you get under £25k wages a year they get the full Student Loans. which pays £200 a week for 42 weeks a year, so after rent £60 a week for food.

My kids are tiny, so what do I know. But even if there aren't any/many Saturday jobs I get the impression that to OP, willingness would be a great start.

I'd tell him I'll either match him pound for pound for his driving lessons. Or, if he can't find a job then he can have one driving lesson in return for every 5 hours of charitable volunteering he does.

Or, as my parents said to me. Here is 6 lessons as your birthday present, if you need more than that then you need to find a way to fund them. I was insured on my mum's car and had to pay mileage for every mile I drove (except when I drove to university interviews or if I was giving my parents a lift somewhere they would otherwise have driven themselves to)

I think he should be told that as he's not looking for a job and can catch the bus to 6th form there's no rush to learn. He won't like that

^ THIS! Totally.

No job = no lessons, no car, no insurance.