AIBU Or is DS?

[strumthehairyharp]

DS is 17 in September and thoughts are turning to driving lessons, car etc. DS knows we are looking at around 2k for car insurance, plus lessons, driving licence, test costs etc.

He refuses to think about getting a PT job over the holidays or anything after the holidays as he feels he doesn't want to get a job 'at his age' and that when he goes back to school in September he'll be too busy doing his a levels (maths, chem, biology) to be able to work.

His life consists of staying up until 2/3am on the Xbox then sleeping in until lunchtime every day. He will sit around and wait for his food to be brought to him (or he just snacks from the fridge) and he needs to be told to shower / clean teeth etc.

He let slip today that his friend has got a job in McDonald's so I suggested that with the big expense of getting him on the road looming it might be a good idea to try and get a job there too. Nope, I don't want to do that he said, don't fancy working in McDonald's. Anyway, he said. You are the parent, it's your responsibility to keep me until I'm an adult (and further if he's in university etc) and then I'll get a proper job.

His attitude sickens me to be honest. There's no drive in him at all, he appears to have done well in his GCSEs but he's naturally bright so he didn't exactly work his socks off before them.

He's appalled to think I'm expecting him to WORK over his holidays, holidays are just that apparently, a break from working. Never mind he's just returned from a 3 week Florida holiday.

At the moment he doesn't ask for money as he has no social life at all. Fine but I do think it wouldn't hurt him to try and earn a bit towards getting on the road. Perhaps I'm BU? Do all parents just pay for everything?

If he thinks he's going to uni then he needs to think about making his UCAS form stand out from all the other kids who have good GCSEs. At the moment he's just one bright, lazy kid amongst many, unis can pick and choose, they're not going to bother with the likes of him. And if he doesn't go to uni then he'll need to get a job and again, he'll be at the back of the very long queue.

You must tell him exactly what you have said on here. You don't like his attitude and you find it unattractive thst he has always felt so entitled. I think it does youngsters good to experience other people's less easy lives. For this very reason I sent my children to nurseries that included sn children. They learnt from babyhood what it means to be wheelchair bound or unable to see or hear. I am proud that they are caring and compassionate and fe it is directly due to these experiences. Remember op, one day your ds could be the selfish lazy uncaring husband so frequently complained about on mn!

Sorry OP but to help hi, you need to tackle his behaviour.

At 17 I got great grades in school and had a student job. I didn't need to be told to clean my teeth! At 17 I understood that getting into a good Uni isn't just about grades but extra-curricular activities such as paid work and volunteering. I worked FT over the school holidays and had I been keen to drive I would not have expected my parents to foot the bill for lessons and insurance (or a car).

If he's not mature enough to offer to help with housework, brush his teeth or understand there is not a magic money tree IMO he's not mature enough to drive a potentially deadly vehicle.

Who is buying and reading the hard copy newspapers that all these kids on here are delivering? Even the local free rag is online now isn't it?!

I think it is great for teenagers to get a job I really do. But I don't think the mumsnet perspective really reflects our society. Even I can remember getting a much coveted summer job at uni only because I knew someone who knew someone else who pulled a few strings. All for 3.50 a hour for really unsociable hours and all my friends were totally jealous as there was nothing else to get.

So don't despair too much OP. Yes he sounds a bit lazy and it's time to make some changes but I really wouldn't buy into the hard labour since 12 years of age on here. Don't panic. I'm sure he'll turn out fully functioning in the end.

Bit like the brexit threads. Take with pinch of salt. No one is ever or has been that bloody passionate about the EU.

Why did your kids have no need to help you around the house. Learning how to do the housework and look after themselves, learning what it takes to run a home, build character, a sense of responsibility, confidence, a work ethic. Why did they not need all of that and have a right o learn and be taught that? He sounds like he is terrified of the expectations of the the real world and is hiding this behind arrogance and attitude, behind it he is a child terrified to leave the house and engage in case he fails but he has always been shielded from trying. Sorry op but wrapping kids in cotton wool and telling them how much better than everyone else they are damages them because deep down they know it isn't true.

I wouldn't be paying a penny for a car or lessons, how will he pay for maintenance or fuel? No doubt he'll expect it from you! If he doesn't go out why would he even need a car?

He needs to get off his arse and get a job.

Ours were not allowed to work properly during term time - school rule plus no time. In the holidays they either did something career/cv building (work experience, au pairing, music exams) something to help the community such as volunteering at a watersports centre or did part-time work.

I wouldn't be buying a car just yet and would expect him to find an instructor, book theory test etc himself. A car is pretty hopeless at most universities in first year.

Tell him straight.Uve to get a job before we pay fr car.then ul judge ur contribution accordingly.if he succeeded in life good for him,not an excuse for doing naff all.so tell him u need to see some effort,motivation,work ethic as it taking advantage.

Ds1 turned 17 a few weeks ago. He is doing A levels, studying hard and doing voluntary work/unpaid work experience so has no time for a paid job. He works damned hard so we don't expect him to get a job at this point.

We took him on an under 17 driving course (pathfinder) for £165, his licence £43 and his theory I think was £25ish. It cost an extra £550 to add him to my insurance and I expect this to increase by around £1500 when he passes his test. We also need to book him some lessons at between £23-£28 an hour. So far he has spent a great deal of time driving my car to save money on lessons.

I have no idea yet how much the test will cost.

My ds1 is appreciative of costs and is working hard with me to keep them low. I think you may need to have a chat with your Ds1 on expectations of what you/he will get for £2000.

You sound weirdly subservient to his 'attitude'.

So what if his attitude is this that or the other : his attitude should not be the basis of decision making.

"DS knows we are looking at around 2k for car insurance, plus lessons, driving licenace" . So was the decision made that these things can happen and THEN you think about him contributing? Most parents look for their kids to contribute because they have to. It cannot be afforded otherwise. You seem to have got yourself into a position that you have accepted that he will have lessons, and a car, and THEN thought about him contributing, or are expecting him to volunteer this with no incentive.

Tell him he is growing up and needs independence more befitting his age. Give him pocket money money / allowance that means he needs to budget and think about his money. Put the funding of driving under his control: he can use a year's worth of allowance on it, ask for some lessons for his birthday, OR earn some money.

None of mine got a job when they were at school. We paid for their driving lessons and we got a car they could all drive as well as me, but they have to ask if I don't need it.

However, they have had to clear up after dinner since they were small, load the dishwasher, and tidy the kitchen. If they make themselves some lunch they clear that up or there's trouble. They also have to clean their own bedrooms and change their beds. Now they're all grown up if they're home during the holidays they help out making dinner and help clean the house if I need them to.

You're letting him take the piss. Why are you taking food to him? We all sit down for meals together when possible. Tell him your expectations are to shower daily, keep his room clean and tidy up after dinner. At least. Otherwise, the Xbox goes to bed when you do.

Who is buying and reading the hard copy newspapers that all these kids on here are delivering?

My DH - 2 papers a day delivered to the door.

I don't know where you are, but McD, all sorts of retail jobs, event jobs (especially in summer), shelf stacking and assistant at the many kids' sports camps and summer clubs are jobs teens can find around here. And, as you said yourself, his friend managed.

Turn off the endless tap, you're doing him no favours in the long run. I'd understand if he'd study like mad, but you say he's gaming until 3 and sleeping until lunch.

Unless you make a stand in this he's going to be taking a star role in some poor girls LTB thread. You and your DH need to grow a pair and say no for a change. His attitude has been created by the way he is treated and unless you do something about it now you could have a man child with you forever.

tomatotornado yes, but there's a difference between looking and not finding work, and not even bothering to look.

OP you say that this is his personlaity, I am really sorry to say it, but it isn't it is learnt behaviour.

My 3 are bright high flyers etc etc.
They have to do household jobs every day, and this summer they are expected to cook once a week - proper meals. They are 14, 12 (and 9, but she isn't cooking)

Their social life is not freely funded by me. They get pocket money and they are expected to use that, it isn't enough to do something every weekend, so they can't.

You seem resigned to the fact tat he will get lessons and a car etc.

If I was in your position, I would be saying - we will fund every second lesson, the alternate lessons you have to pay for yourself. If you don't want to raie the money, fine, we will stick it in a savings account until you are ready, but you are not just going to sit bakc and get spoonfed. Lots of PP have said about work experience if he wants a job later, he needs someone to sit him down and tell him that now.

Driving isn't a necessity to be provided to children by parents.
Food, shelter, clothes, clean water and warmth is all that's required. Anything else is extra. If my child had that attitude they would have to pick me up off the floor from laughing too hard at them expecting me to pay for driving lessons when they refuse to pay for any themselves. And as for playing Xbox til the early hours, not getting up til afternoon and expecting food to be brought to them? Fuck no. Lock the fridge and get his lazy arse up!

Why are you taking him food at 17 years old?! If he wants food, surely he can go,to the kitchen. It's going to be a real culture Shock in a years time if he goes to uni without having any clue how to make even the basic of food.

I agree with the other posters in saying that holiday jobs don't really exist anymore, and it's not easy to get a part time job. Pay isn't that great either. My 17 year old son school say they shouldn't do more than 8 hours a week,paid work.

As someone who has been on the other side of this...

Mum was one of quite a large number of kids. They didn't have much.
Dad was slightly better off.
When I was born they wanted to give me everything.
So they did.

Dad lost his (bloody well paid) job when I was 20. However they had loads of savings. All was good.

When I moved out and had to fend for myself it was a really big reality check.

All my life it was "oh so it costs x, that's fine". I'd think nothing of blowing £100 on a night out, driving lessons, car and first years insurance all paid. No bills. No need to do chores.

Suddenly I'm on my own, paying bills, having to budget and it sucked. I was terrible with money. My job is decently paid, but nothing compared to what I'd been expecting.
(Did really well in gcse, got told I could be anything, met a load of boys in leather jackets at college and it all kinda went downhill from there, no a levels, no degree etc etc)

I really wish that my parents had tried to reach me the value of money. I got into so much debt it was unreal. They kept bailing me out and paying for things for so long that to this day I can't talk finance with them (they still offer to sort it out if they know I can't afford something I WANT never mind anything that they think I need).

Honestly I had everything I wanted when I was living at home. But what I needed was to be shown how to do it myself. I'm now in my 30's, with a 6 year old and I'm a lot better, but god it took me so long to learn!

Teach not reach. Damn autocorrect

I completely agree with everything you are all saying. We have allowed this to happen. He's a lovely kid, polite, easy going, not an ounce of trouble but lazy and yes, entitled.
I'm going to take some time to have a chat with DH about where to go from here with the both of the Dcs. I know DH thinks DS should learn to drive asap but I'm not sure I agree. DS is also the eldest out of his group of friends so is expecting to be the first (he loves being the first at everything 😡) to learn and pass his test.
I think he should be told that as he's not looking for a job and can catch the bus to 6th form there's no rush to learn. He won't like that.

There'll be a list of jobs to be done too when DH is working days and I'm in work too. Both DCs need to start pulling their weight, Ive had enough.

Oh and meals?
Everyone at the table at dinner time, x box off!
Thay aren't allowed to opt out, it is part of being a civilised family.

I see lots of students start university and it is pretty obvious which of them have been made to contribute to the running of a household, and have worked to pay their way. Funnily enough, the ones who can't do chores and don't wash don't tend to attract many housemates for sharing in the second year and beyond.

One bloke's mother used to turn up every two weeks to clean his house and do his washing. His friends were rather .

DS had a part-time job during the sixth form and managed to get into Oxbridge, as do many others. He had to pay for any social life and paid us back when he wanted a better phone contract than we were prepared to pay.

Any screen time in our house happens after homework, chores and music practice. Unlimited X Box would turn my children into smelly, unnoticed zombies, which is why it never happens. And I remind my 10 year old to clean his teeth, not my teenagers!

My point being: yes he is being extremely unreasonable!

My DS (middle child of two sisters) was like this. Flaky about getting jobs while his sisters always had jobs and sometimes got him work too, much to his chagrin
He got physics, maths and geography A levels and then a physics degree. Now has a well paid job in the City. He just didn't have the confidence his sisters had when it can go working when he was younger.
Your son may be like this.