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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU Or is DS?

120 replies

strumthehairyharp · 01/08/2017 19:44

DS is 17 in September and thoughts are turning to driving lessons, car etc. DS knows we are looking at around 2k for car insurance, plus lessons, driving licence, test costs etc.

He refuses to think about getting a PT job over the holidays or anything after the holidays as he feels he doesn't want to get a job 'at his age' and that when he goes back to school in September he'll be too busy doing his a levels (maths, chem, biology) to be able to work.

His life consists of staying up until 2/3am on the Xbox then sleeping in until lunchtime every day. He will sit around and wait for his food to be brought to him (or he just snacks from the fridge) and he needs to be told to shower / clean teeth etc.

He let slip today that his friend has got a job in McDonald's so I suggested that with the big expense of getting him on the road looming it might be a good idea to try and get a job there too. Nope, I don't want to do that he said, don't fancy working in McDonald's. Anyway, he said. You are the parent, it's your responsibility to keep me until I'm an adult (and further if he's in university etc) and then I'll get a proper job.

His attitude sickens me to be honest. There's no drive in him at all, he appears to have done well in his GCSEs but he's naturally bright so he didn't exactly work his socks off before them.

He's appalled to think I'm expecting him to WORK over his holidays, holidays are just that apparently, a break from working. Never mind he's just returned from a 3 week Florida holiday.

At the moment he doesn't ask for money as he has no social life at all. Fine but I do think it wouldn't hurt him to try and earn a bit towards getting on the road. Perhaps I'm BU? Do all parents just pay for everything?

OP posts:
Original poster
strumthehairyharp · 01/08/2017 20:10

He also knows he has about £1000 in savings, built up from when he was little. His answer would be to give me the £10 a week from that probably..

OP posts:
EggysMom · 01/08/2017 20:10

As others have said, stop enabling him. He didn't develop this attitude overnight - so you have to shoulder some of that responsibility. But don't give him money / driving lessons / a car - if he wants those, he can earn them himself.

Booboobooboo84 · 01/08/2017 20:11

You don't have to change anything. Just sit him down explain the difference between an essential and a luxury. It's essential that you feed, provide a warm roof, buy school related things, buy school uniform and basic casual clothing. It's luxury that you fund phone, wifi, driving lessons, anything for uni actually- your obliged to but there is not actual requirement too, extra clothing. So from now on his contribution has to be ten pound a week for all luxuries. If you feel guilty taking the money save it up and hand it over on his first day of uni

Booboobooboo84 · 01/08/2017 20:13

Well tbf it that's his savings and that's how he wants to spend it , then let him but you save it back up. And then you give him it back at the start of uni. I would make it clear though that he is buying his own car from it as well. He needs to learn the value of money. He can get a job now and gain more money overall or he can use his savings and when his friends are buying better things he will soon change his mind

SometimesMaybe · 01/08/2017 20:13

Honestly I don't get all these kids that don't have part time jobs. He will NEVER get a decent job after uni without having loads of experience (waiting tables, bar staff, MacDonald's, shop work) - unless he has a super star athletic career on the side too. My friends and I all had jobs from 15 or so.

He must be getting money from somewhere? No more "pocket money" and if he doesn't get a part time job and no driving lessons. And stick to it. (If I bought the games console I might b inclined to take that off if too if that plan doesn't work and get him to earn it back).

Expectations need to be set with young teens that they will get a part time job as soon as they can. Learning to balance work and study is so important.

Glumglowworm · 01/08/2017 20:14

No job = no driving lessons, no car, no insurance

It's that simple.

Yes you have to keep him and it would be harsh to cut him off financially as soon as he's 16. But that doesn't mean spending thousands of pounds so a lazy sod can have the privilege of learning to drive at your expense. Driving isn't an automatic right.

BigSandyBalls2015 · 01/08/2017 20:14

He should be looking for a part time job. It's even more essential if he never goes out and spends all his time on Xbox.

vikingprincess81 · 01/08/2017 20:14

I had a job at 15 and worked all the way through my highers (Scottish equivalent of A levels) - still passed them all!
I was also given a certain amount each month to pay for dinners/buses/I could save some and if I ran out I'm not sure if my mum would have given me more - I never tried it to find out! Wink
At 17 I was living in a flatshare starting uni (nursing students could start at 17) and I'd just funded my driving lessons/passed my test by working almost full time all summer.
Don't be afraid to make him be responsible for things OP - I'm grateful to my (single, hard working, didn't have much to spare) mum for making me self sufficient.

fleshmarketclose · 01/08/2017 20:14

One of mine is gifted got the GCSEs, A levels, degree and masters without having to work. He started his Masters excited at the prospect at having to work at it, sat his first assessment without doing any work to see how much work he needed to put in for the resit. Got a distinction declared it a piece of piss and didn't bother working again.
He worked though from being 13 not least because he likes the freedom having his own money but also because that was the expectation, He works incredibly hard now not because he learnt how to work at school but because working gave him a taste of real life and the discipline he needed.

WallisFrizz · 01/08/2017 20:14

Surely, you have no obligation to put him on the road. Why can't you tell him if he wants lessons/insurance/car etc he is going to have to get a job (not necessarily to pay for it but at least make a contribution). If he says no, then he doesn't learn to drive. If he's not bothered about that, there will be something at some point that motivates him.

Re being in endless education, you can put an age limit on how long you are going to fund him for. It's your money, take back control of it!

Theyhaveallbeenused2 · 01/08/2017 20:14

Don't provide any money for driving lessons. Tell him he can wait till he adult enough to fund them alone.

Moanyoldcow · 01/08/2017 20:15

This hasn't developed in a vacuum - I'm not blaming you OP but you don't sound like you have given him many boundaries. It doesn't help to be waited on hand and foot. I know - my mum did it for me (compensating for our poverty) and learning to cope was a sharp shock.

Supporting him is clothing him, feeding him, providing a roof and familial support - not driving lessons and telling him to brush his fucking teeth.

I'd stop it all right now. Stop 'bringing' him food, stop pandering to him and start making him realise he's not entitled to anything by dint of being clever.

I wouldn't even be considering driving lessons for him if I were you.

vikingprincess81 · 01/08/2017 20:19

He's in for a shock when he does go to uni - assuming you don't fund that.
I'd say no driving lessons and no extras - he gets a roof over his head and food in his belly (which he has to come and get himself/come to the table when family meals are made) use of the shower, heat and light etc.
The rest are extra - phone, driving lessons, food you don't usually buy but he asks for, alcohol etc.
I wouldn't be so harsh usually but he needs to learn, and quickly, that no one owes him anything.

eyebrowsonfleek · 01/08/2017 20:19

Once again, as said on the previous thread, why do some people think it's that easy for 16 year old to get a job these days?

My 16 year old has literally just got a job. He was actually offered 2 after applying for 5. Obviously this isn't the case everywhere but places like McDonalds hire 16 year olds so if they can easily get to one then they may be in luck.

Leeds2 · 01/08/2017 20:20

You really don't have to pay for his driving lessons/insurance/a car. Personally, I would be more inclined to help if he had a job.

Do you have older children? Have you paid for them to learn to drive?

iamyourequal · 01/08/2017 20:20

He needs to get a part time job, pay his own driving lessons and learn some work ethics! Let him know that academic qualifications are not enough to get on in life and any decent employer/good university will expect applicants to have experience in paid/unpaid work and a more rounded life experience than just school and x-box. I feel your pain. Mine is much younger but I can already picture the battle ahead. I have a DS who thinks unstacking the dishwasher is an acceptable day's work.

paxillin · 01/08/2017 20:21

Agree with wheredoesallthetimego. You match his earnings pound for pound for the driving lessons and insurance and no more.

wowbutter · 01/08/2017 20:23

He is very nearly an adult. His attitude stinks.
Why does he have no household chores? Why do you bring him food? Has he no legs??

I would tell him you will match him what he earns, because funding it all with him speaking to you like that, is just sickening. Stand up for yourself!

And as for funding him into uni and beyond, ha ha ha, grow up boy!

vikingprincess81 · 01/08/2017 20:23

As for endless education - No! He gets one degree (maybe, if
you can afford that and that's what you plan to do) but anything after that is self funded.
It's your money OP - you don't have to give it to him or anyone else for that matter.
His attitude sounds pretty terrible too - a job might knock the entitlement out of him too when he's forced to interact with people who haven't had the same opportunities he's had.

brasty · 01/08/2017 20:23

I would pay for driving lessons, but refuse to fund a car and insurance. Or at the very least only pay for a contribution towards it. If he wants to have a car, he will work for it. If not, it is his choice.

brasty · 01/08/2017 20:25

Also I think it is unfair to criticise his lack of drive. He is simply used to being run after and cossetted.

KurriKurri · 01/08/2017 20:25

I'd tell him his attitude is very immature, the idea that he should be waited on hand and foot that he is entitled to everything he gets from you is something I'd expect from a spoiled ten year old. I would not allow someone that immature anywhere near a car or on the road - how is his entitled me me me attitude going to manifest itself when he is behind a wheel?
A car can be a dangerous thing - driving is for grown ups - he isn't one yet.

paxillin · 01/08/2017 20:25

Once again, as said on the previous thread, why do some people think it's that easy for 16 year old to get a job these days?

Well, his friend managed to get a job, but he said he "doesn't fancy working in McD" and is appalled he should have to. No driving lessons from me in that case, they are not a necessity and OP might not fancy the extra hours either.

anchor9 · 01/08/2017 20:26

wow, I wouldn't give him a penny with an attitude like that!

frid · 01/08/2017 20:26

The McDonald's interview process is actually very difficult, and the 16 year olds who work there have put in a lot of effort to get the job. If he doesn't give a piss, then he won't get a job there.