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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU in not appreciating 'helpful' comments following my miscarriage?

113 replies

Janey638 · 01/08/2017 10:20

Hello,

Jus heard a good interview on Radio 4 about a new campaign by the Miscarriage Association on how to support people going through a miscarriage. I have been trying for a baby for a number of years and was delighted when we finally got pregnant. Sadly we lost the baby at 8 week. So many people told us 'at least it was early' and perhaps the worst 'just think how disabled it would have been if it had been born'. I appreciate people were only trying to help but why do people say these things? Would love to know what are some of the worst things you have heard following a miscarriage (and also the best)?!

OP posts:
Notreallyarsed · 01/08/2017 10:22

I lost my first late on when I was 19 and people kept saying "oh you're young, it's a sign you weren't ready" or "it's for the best, you'll see". Ugh I wanted to gouge their eyes out with a spoon!
I'm very sorry for your loss OP, the weeks don't matter, the loss is painful at any time, and to minimise that or dismiss it is cruel and unfair. Flowers

Loopsdefruits · 01/08/2017 10:22

Janey I'm so sorry for your loss, I will admit that I have been guilty of those sorts of comments, so if you are happy I'll watch this thread to get some suggestions for being helpful after someone experiences a loss. Flowers for you

Notreallyarsed · 01/08/2017 10:23

Oh and the best was my grannie who cuddled me close and said "I know my dear, you loved him very much." Just that acknowledgement of my wee boy meant the world to me.

ElsaMars · 01/08/2017 10:24

Sorry will do. I think people feel they have to elaborate. On the other hand nit sayibg anything at all isnt OK.

One friend who isn't touchy feely at all just hugged me and asked how I was, it meant a lot.

Sorry for your loss, it hurts for so many reasons Flowers

RockyBird · 01/08/2017 10:26

My mother: "at least you know you can get pregnant" to me while tearful about my loss. Gee, thanks.

Sorry to everyone who has suffered a loss and hurtful comments afterwards Flowers

bilbobaggi · 01/08/2017 10:26

I had several people including drs and nurses just dismiss it as one of those things, happens all the time, and worse of all that this was a modern thing and people didn't even notice in the old days! Really didn't make me feel any better! I lost my baby at 12 weeks and we loved them.

Loopsdefruits · 01/08/2017 10:27

Not that this is an excuse, but I do wish miscarriage was talked about more, people so often just don't know what to say, it's horrible for people who go through it, it must be so isolating.

Original poster
Janey638 · 01/08/2017 10:30

So sorry Notreallyarsed for your loss that must have been so hard, and what a lovely granny you have!

Yes totally agree ElsaMars not saying anything isn't good either. Loopsdefruits for me I think I just appreciated it when people acknowledged the loss and just said - what can I do or I'm sorry. Rather than putting a positive spin on it! But appreciate it is so hard to know what to say and hard not to say an 'at least' to try and make someone feel better!

OP posts:
Ilovecoleslaw · 01/08/2017 10:30

Best friend said after my miscarriage that at least mine didn't look like baby yet and hers did when she had a miscarriage a year before mine.
When actually yeah, mine did look like a baby you inconsiderate twat.

Then all the usual comments about how it's so common and you'll have a baby one day etc.

TooGood2BeFalse · 01/08/2017 10:32

Worst - from STBXH - 'I wish I hadn't told my fucking friends now'Angry

Best - From my late mum, who knew she was terminally ill - 'As soon as I get there I'll look after him for his mummy - we'll have each other '

God that was a weeperBlush

PurpleDaisies · 01/08/2017 10:33

People just can't cope with awkward situations and feel they have to be "helpful" rather than sympathetic.

"At least you know you can get pregnant" doesn't feel like much consolation.

Sorry for your loss Flowers

Fernanie · 01/08/2017 10:33

I'm so sorry for your loss Janey Flowers
It is difficult to know what to say but some of the most sensible advice I've heard (not having had a MC, so others who have can weigh in on whether it really was good advice!) was don't say anything that starts with any variant of "at least" or "well look for the positives", don't say anything that you wouldn't say to someone who's e.g. 5-year-old had died. Do say things that acknowledge the parents' grief and the loss of their baby - regardless of your beliefs on when a baby becomes a baby (one of my friends was told "at least it wasn't a real baby yet"!! Angry).

Loopsdefruits · 01/08/2017 10:34

Janey I think the idea is to try to say "it wasn't your fault" but with some evidence to 'prove' that, the vast majority of the time it comes from a place of caring, but it definitely needs to be something that will actually be helpful to the person you're speaking to.

Fernanie · 01/08/2017 10:35

Oh, my sister said at the time of her (quite late) MC one of the kindest things was being asked "what was his name?" Makes me tear up, remembering how kind that person was to her.

FetchezLaVache · 01/08/2017 10:38

TooGood Sad

AnneLovesGilbert · 01/08/2017 10:39

I've been really lucky with medical staff on the whole and not too many stupid comments from friends or family. Some people didn't say anything at all, which I was grateful for because they were obviously struggling with it and I'd rather they gave me a hug and kept they silence if they didn't know what to say.

"Sorry for your loss" while trite is actually pretty much all you need. And people who really acknowledge the loss not just of the physical baby but the hopes and dreams and plans and future you lose with it.

Some people feel the need to give you a good news story which can go one of two ways. "My friend had 15 miscarriages but they got their baby in the end, after IVF and 10 years" was one I didn't find particularly helpful.

That gives me a tiny tea in my eye Notreallyarsed, I'm sorry you lost your baby boy and glad your gran was kind and understanding.

OP, sending you a hug, I'm sorry you've been through this and lost your baby. MN has been a font of such wisdom and understanding about MC for me. There's a thread on TTC after a MC if you want to join us when the time is right again.

People say stupid things for lots of reasons. Sometimes they're stupid, or thoughtless, or helpless and just get it wrong Flowers

stumblymonkeyagain · 01/08/2017 10:39

I'm in the middle of a blighted ovum mc. My DM said "oh well, it wasn't even a real baby".

Not sure how that was supposed to make me feel better Hmm

Notreallyarsed · 01/08/2017 10:41

Flowers for everyone who has suffered a loss. Janey my wee grannie was one in a billion!

Notreallyarsed · 01/08/2017 10:42

Thank you Anne, he'd have been 16 this year!
TooGood your mum sounds like an absolute diamond.

beingsunny · 01/08/2017 10:44

They say these things because they don't like to see people they care about feel sad so try to point out the positives.

It's pretty unreasonable to say you can't understand this.

Nobody is being unkind, it's a difficult situation and it's human nature to look for something positive to say.

waitforitfdear · 01/08/2017 10:47

Gosh what a thread the granny comment was so lovely and TooGood your mum Sad

As s young nurse in the 80s we were told that telling women their miscsrried babies could have been
Disabled was comferting Sad

I love the 'what was his name' that's so understanding that it's the loss of s baby not 'just a miscarriage'

Hugs to all who have lost babies.

stumblymonkeyagain · 01/08/2017 10:49

...and the other one was when I turned up at A&E in very severe pain after taking the medical management drugs.

I was on 60mg codeine and paracetamol and still having to get on all fours and rock back and forth while screaming/making animal noises.

Male nurse said "Well....didn't they tell you to expect period pains?"

How many women on periods are reduced to making animal noises on all fours asshole? (My actual response was much politer than this btw)

As if, as a women perfectly familiar with period pains, I can't distinguish between them and unmanageable pain. I genuinely think it would be handled differently if mc happened to men.

Juno2002 · 01/08/2017 10:49

@Beingsunny
I agree, it's an awful situation and difficult to know what to say so I appreciated people trying to be positive.

To be honest, I was relieved to know I could get pregnant and I was relieved it happened early on, as crappy as it was so I don't think I would've found those comments hurtful.

stumblymonkeyagain · 01/08/2017 10:51

On the upside my MIL gave us both a big hug, said how sorry she was and that she'd gone through the same when she was younger.

She had us round for lunch and bought us a little present each. Lucked out with my PILs!

GinaFordCortina · 01/08/2017 10:51

I appreciate people were only trying to help but why do people say these things?

You answered your question, they're trying to make you feel better. They're getting it wrong but they're trying.

Actively malicious is different. For example "shouldn't have got pregnant in the first place" when talking about younger, older, disabled mothers.

I know some people who have taken heart after years of infertility that they least now know they can get pregnant.