AIBU in not appreciating 'helpful' comments following my miscarriage?

[Janey638]

Hello,

Jus heard a good interview on Radio 4 about a new campaign by the Miscarriage Association on how to support people going through a miscarriage. I have been trying for a baby for a number of years and was delighted when we finally got pregnant. Sadly we lost the baby at 8 week. So many people told us 'at least it was early' and perhaps the worst 'just think how disabled it would have been if it had been born'. I appreciate people were only trying to help but why do people say these things? Would love to know what are some of the worst things you have heard following a miscarriage (and also the best)?!

I also got the "it's for the best, baby would have had problems" comment. But actually my baby was fine, the problem was with me.
I also got "people wouldn't have known in the past". I'm not sure how that comment is meant to help. Upon reflection I think there are a whole lot of women from older generations who knew full well they had lost a baby but couldn't tell their friends.
I also had "at least you know you can get pregnant". I think that's people trying to be kind.

The worst were when we visited one couple after my hospital stay and they offered their sympathies then told us they had had an ultrasound that week and their baby was a girl and they were going to call her X. I couldn't believe that s couple who were slightly ahead of us pregnancy wise couldn't comprehend the loss.

And the friend I haven't forgiven (though she doesn't even realise what she said was devastating) talked at length about a mutual friend who had a new baby. And how the first six months with a newborn are just so hard . And how this friend needs so much support because she has a new little baby and being the mother of a new born is the most challenging/difficult thing ever. And my baby was dead. I couldn't open my mouth to stop the torrent of misjudged sympathy for our mutual friend coming from her mouth. I was ill for about 2 days after, the psychological shock and pain of that conversation was awful

Oh and bizarrely my mother said to me the day before yesterday
"Sure you have some idea of the pain of child birth anyway "
And when I said "well I know people say it's bad but I suppose it's different for everyone"
Mum said "no I mean personal experience, from your MC. Don't you?"
I was speechless for a good ten seconds. How do you respond to that bombshell reminder linked with a conversation about future babies that's entirely negative anyway?
I'm not sure why she said it at all?

My doctor said 'oh well 1 in 4 pregnancies ends in miscarriage you know so it's quite common'. I just burst into tears. He quickly handed me the sick note and couldn't get me out of the door fast enough. Dickhead.

People can be awful. After multiple MC when I finally announced MIL that I was pregnant she said "here we go again" and that was that. Sorry OP.

God , it's so hard even writing this
I was pregnant at the same time as a relative , I miscarriage just before a warm summer , her response - bet you're glad you're not pregnant now
Bil to DH - hasn't she got over that yet , a week after it happened
I'm crying just thinking about it

@Talith what you said struck a chord with me. I miscarried in a public toilet. I was in shock and just flushed, cleaned up and left. I feel very bad about it now.

The worst thing someone said was "I thought you were using contraception!"

I also hated the "at least you know you can get pregnant" and "it wasn't meant to be"
I was grieving for that baby, my baby and we'd never intended it as a practice run.

Toogood yours made me well up, what a wonderful lady

People just don't know what to say, I think, but feel they have to say something rather than just be there. And people react to things differently. When it happened to us at 9 weeks, I took comfort in the 'it wasn't mean to be' comment that others find so awful. It is hard. I tell people about my miscarriage, because it's a subject that needs to be spoken about. Friends have come to me when it happens to them because they know I've been there. I always just say I'm sorry and give them a hug - I guess that's safest.

I don't think people think their comments will help, they just don't want to sit in silence.

I can't relate as such as I haven't experienced it. I have experienced other trauma though (crippling depression and anxiety) and I heard loads of comments including the famous 'things you shouldn't say'. I was just glad of the company, and very aware that I'm not perfect either and don't know the correct script to deal with devastated people.

This is Britain. If we don't know what to say we'll avoid the subject, surely that's worse. Or worst of all, avoid the person.

When I was having a mc.... dh phoned work to say he couldnt come in as he needed to drive me to hospital and tbh....mc...he wanted to be there for me and he was also losing his child.... they said "cant you just drive her to hospital and leave her" :o He left that place not long after!!!

sorry for your mc, I did find there were so many lovely people afterwards who came up to me and said they had gone through mc too and if there was anything they could do to help... hope you're feeling a bit better soon x x

oh sorry... : o came up as a grin face.... :o should have been

It's har dto know the best thing to say. I dealt with it by telling no one I was pregnant even parents until I was about 4 - 5 months and then you don't have the sympathy you don't want from people if there is a miscarriage.

I do think people should try to say something rather than just avoiding someone - same with a death. We have neighbours who have just had a death. I have deliberately not avoided them and I have tried to say the right things even if I might risk putting my foot in it.

Whilst it is true that a lot of miscarried babies have disabilities and the miscarriage is for the best it is particuarly unhelpful to say that to anyone - same with that many first babies miscarry - it's true they do and within a few months that person is usually successfully pregnant again and have a baby within a year but it doesn't help to say that.

Whilst it is true that a lot of miscarried babies have disabilities and the miscarriage is for the best

What a spectacularly judgemental thing to say. It's better for people with disabilities never to have been born? It's absolutely not your place to say whether a miscarriage was for the best or not, especially on a thread where people have talked about the immense value of their disabled children.

Whilst it is true that a lot of miscarried babies have disabilities and the miscarriage is for the best
Would you like me to tel that to my son? He's currently feeding himself and the fluffy dinosaur crisps. Despite raveling 48 chromosomes in 39% of his cells. And no diaphragm on the right. And being on o2 and partyl tubpartlyand non verbal. Does that list make you wish he'd been a miscarriage? Because it makes me think how amazing it is that he walked at 18 months despite 4 abdo surgeries from months 10 - 17. That he communicates amazing and makes me toy collages in front of the telly. And gives the beat cuddles and kisses and has made my life so much more amazing over the last 26 months.

Lemonade

Bear and to all who have suffered losses

""Despite having 48 chromosomes in 39% of his cells. And no diaphragm on the right. And being on o2 and partly tube fed and non verbal""
I can't angry type

"It was probably deformed and would have looked gross."

Thanks, mum.

Some spectacularly awful comments.

momma your ds sounds gorgeous

Annette just speechless at that awful comment.

Purple

Please never tell anyone that losing their baby "was for the best". It is very painful to hear such cold words.

I had 6 mcs, 2 late and 4 early but each one just as heartbreaking as the other. The worst comment I got was "at least you have already got kids. Some people don't get to have that." This was from my best friend. The best comment I got was from my df who is not the most tactile or overly emotional man. He said, after my 6th mc and when I was in hospital, "when you are least expecting it, have no money and are struggling with life....I bet you that's when it happens for you." He meant it as a kind of joke but the fact he even acknowledged it was so comforting.
10 years after I now have a 13 week old 💖💖
There were other general comments made by family which were unhelpful or nothing was said at all which was worse

Are you sure you meant me paws? I've said exactly the opposite.

My gran after losing my first at 12 weeks, 'all this fuss over a tadpole' i will never forget that comment. I think she couldnt deal with the reality of what might have happened to me physically, so had to minimise it.

I'm so sorry for your loss, Janey.

I had two early miscarriages before having DD. A couple of people said to me 'everything happens for a reason', which I think they thought was comforting. It fucking wasn't.

It's nature's way
It's God's way (I'm an atheist so this one was particularly irrelevant)
At least it happened now rather than later (yes because losing a 2 year old child is much easier than losing one who is 5 years old)
At least you know you can get pregnant
There must have been something wrong
At least you have your DS
It'll happen someday
I had one and now I've got 2 healthy children (I'm pleased for you however I'm not you)

OP

I've just had my third mc in 6 months and my 5th in total. It sucks and people can be so insensitive.

I do think people don't know what to say so it's really important people talk more about mc (if they wish to) and make it less taboo to talk about it. The miscarriage association campaign is great and they are a brilliant source of help and support.

My mum was in the waiting room waiting for me to come out from thr scan when i found out id had an early mc. Her words were, 'i never had any problems getting pregnant..'