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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU in not appreciating 'helpful' comments following my miscarriage?

113 replies

Janey638 · 01/08/2017 10:20

Hello,

Jus heard a good interview on Radio 4 about a new campaign by the Miscarriage Association on how to support people going through a miscarriage. I have been trying for a baby for a number of years and was delighted when we finally got pregnant. Sadly we lost the baby at 8 week. So many people told us 'at least it was early' and perhaps the worst 'just think how disabled it would have been if it had been born'. I appreciate people were only trying to help but why do people say these things? Would love to know what are some of the worst things you have heard following a miscarriage (and also the best)?!

OP posts:

jb1305uk · 01/08/2017 13:46

I'm so sorry for your loss and to anyone else on here that has suffered a loss. It's truly awful.

My husband and parents were incredibly supportive when I had a MC at 7/8 weeks. In-laws were a bit dismissive though and said "at least you can get pregnant" and also offered to bring their niece's baby for a visit to cheer me up?!

I was kept in hospital and had medical management, by far the worst comment was from a doctor who thrust paperwork in our faces saying "can you hurry up and sign this so I know what you want to do with the pregnancy products, I don't want you suing me later. Do it quickly as I'm busy." I thought my husband was going to punch him.

The best comments were "how are you both?" and "I'm sorry, that must have been hard." People that acknowledged that we may be upset made a big difference.

ChickenBhuna · 01/08/2017 13:49

Whilst some people are just plain insensitive , others simply don't know what to say.

The most appropriate way a colleague treated me after my late loss last year was to ask me all about what I experienced. She then nodded and listened for 20 minutes. No platitudes or clichés.

Pawsbutton · 01/08/2017 13:55

Sorry, Purple, I meant Lucy

slightlyfrazzled35 · 01/08/2017 13:57

So sorry for you loss op

I had a miscarriage at 5 weeks in June. This was after trying for 14 months and being told I'd probably never fall pregnant due to low egg reserves.

I've had the comments about feeling positive I can conceive again. I see where people are coming from, but it doesn't help. Why should I feel positive? I'm hardly Mrs Fertile, so what if this was my only chance.

A nurse in the EPU told me that if I hadn't taken a test I'd probably thought it was just my period coming as normal. I thought that was staggeringly insensitive. I took a test because I felt totally different and was pretty sure I was pregnant. That casual dismissal that us women don't even know our own bodies really stung

Sleepthief84 · 01/08/2017 14:06

What on earth is wrong with people? I've been lucky enough never to have been in this situation but friends of mine have and I've always found it appropriate to say something along the lines of 'I'm so sorry for your loss. How are you doing? Do you want to talk about it? Let me know if it need anything/I can do anything'. The same as I would if they lost a relative who had been born. My friend who had two early mcs was frequently upset by people saying 'aw that's a shame but you can always have another one'. She didn't want another one. She wanted that one. Jeez people are so insensitive.

TooGood2BeFalse · 01/08/2017 14:07

notreallyarsed I am so so sorry to hear that.It is hell.Thinking of you and your mum xxd

Notreallyarsed · 01/08/2017 14:10

Thank you TooGood for you too. It really is isn't it?

FrankensteinsSister · 01/08/2017 14:27

The kindest thing a friend said to me was, 'sorry about your baby'.
Because he was a baby to me, despite it being before 12 weeks (mmc after seeing a heartbeat).

The 'well, you wouldn't even have known in the past' comments make me crossest. How is that meant to be a consolation? Don't you think women in the past knew their own bodies? Both times I've known I was pregnant within the first two weeks.

duxb · 01/08/2017 14:31

I think the best thing anyone can say is "I'm sorry for your loss"

That was the best thing anyone said to me. Someone also brought me cake and a huge cuddle.

MAsMum · 01/08/2017 15:16

I am sorry that you are going through this. I genuinely think that people don't know what to say. I knew that my mum, the midwife etc thought that they were being empathetic but to be honest I was too raw to take on board their comments. By my fourth mc, I developed my own coping mechanism. I think because we don't talk about miscarriages publicly people genuinely don't know what to say so repeat the well known /well meaning platitudes.

SpottedGingham · 01/08/2017 15:27

My mother accused me of spoiling my sister's thunder as she had just announced her pregnancy and the news would upset her.

Doctor on the ward asked was I really sure I was having a mc as there's a lot of staff off as it's Christmas.

I'm still gobsmacked 18 years later.

EverythingEverywhere1234 · 01/08/2017 15:46

I had a very early miscarriage not 6 months ago. We weren't actively trying but we were thrilled when we found out and then we were gutted when it turned out the way it did. Of course it wasn't as traumatic as most experiences, and certainly not as bad as a lot on this thread, but you don't see it that way at the time.
My mum said; it's really common, you know? / mine was worse, it was later / you two aren't ready anyway / a couple of 'stop making a fuss' comments... when I was far from 'making a fuss' as I knew she would offer no sympathy

AnyFarrahFowler · 01/08/2017 15:50

Worst: It wasn't really a baby though, was it?!

Best: You are allowed to grieve, you know. For as long as you need to.

TickleMcTickleFace · 01/08/2017 16:04

I had the you're lucky as it was very early, it doesn't feel like it but its for the best and also because I already had a DC "look at xxx and be grateful you have him." That was a real kicker because it made me feel ungrateful but also it was a massive reminder of what the baby I'd lost could have become iykwim. The nicest thing was my sister telling me my late grandparents would look after the baby but I'd meet them one day.

SunnyCoco · 01/08/2017 16:15

Oh god it is awful, so awful

I have just had my second miscarriage in the space of 5 months and the comments have been horrendous
I wish I would have kept it all to myself and not told anyone

People are so dismissive and make you feel like it's nothing
I should have been having my baby next month but instead had two separate internal scans of a dead foetus and then had it bleed out of me for a month. Horrific

Freya84 · 01/08/2017 16:15

It was only 8 weeks, it wasn't anything really.
Was it your fault?
Did you do something to cause it?
Is there something wrong with you?
It wasn't a baby, not really.
At least you can get pregnant.
It'll hurt more when you actually have a baby.
Why are you so upset?
Isn't it just like a period?
I've had countless, you soon forget.
Why are you still upset?
Maybe it's karma, you losing it seeing as you were pregnant whilst'x' was trying to conceive. Now she's pregnant, you're feeling some of the pain she did.
You're young, you have plenty of time.

Those were just from my first mc, one from my mum of all people. I got no real support until I went for counselling a few months later. I never said what I needed to say to those comments as it would have upset people.

With the second mc, no one was bothered as I'd been through it before.

I'm now pregnant for a third time and terrified I'll lose this one too.

If people just said "I'm sorry for your loss," that would be fine instead some of the crap they come out with. The excuse of "no-one knows what to say" is piss poor, so is not understanding. I don't don't understand what it must be like to lose ones husband but I sure as hell wouldn't suggest that there was plenty of time to get another one or that it was karma.

My heart goes out to all of you whose lost a baby, it's a heart breaking and can be a lonely time.

Rufus27 · 01/08/2017 19:08

Not so much a comment as an action. Our DC would have been born around Christmas time. That Christmas Day, my parents insisted everything stopped so we could all sit together to watch the Xmas special of Call the Midwife. I got called 'selfish' for walking out and sitting upstairs on my own (DP wasnt there at the time). Apparently I was spoiling everyone's day.

Labtest7 · 01/08/2017 19:21

I lost my first baby at 42 weeks. One 'friend' told me I was lucky as 'at least I hadn't got to know them'!!! My second pregnancy ended in a missed miscarriage, picked up at a ten week scan. I'm sure incredibly insensitive things were said then too, but Ive probably blocked them out. My third pregnancy resulted in a live baby who unfortunately was diagnosed with leukaemia at 4 years old. If I had £1 for every time I was told 'at least she has the good kind of cancer', I'd be a very rich woman. Some people only open their mouths to change feet.

namechange500 · 01/08/2017 19:41

Oh labtest7 I'm so sorry, what a truly horrendous experience.

peachgreen · 01/08/2017 19:56

I didn't mind any of the comments really, I think because I realised that nothing could have made me feel better! Plus I personally DID feel grateful that it was early etc - not saying anyone else should of course and I would never say that to anyone else, but knowing from 6 weeks that things would likely go wrong made the eventual loss at 11.5 weeks easier to deal with for me. (Again, not saying it should or would be for anyone else.)

I did find it hurtful when I was struggling to get pregnant again and worried about Ashermans etc and a friend - who got pregnant very quickly after a miscarriage and had already had her little girl - said that it was better not to get pregnant quickly after a miscarriage because she'd been very stressed during her pregnancy as it had been so soon after the miscarriage, and that my next pregnancy would be easy in comparison to hers.

Littlemissamy · 01/08/2017 19:57

Worst- a nurse on the ward before my d&c saying "sorry it's took a while to get to you, you ladies insist on filling up my ward!" I really blew up at him, which while I slightly regret getting so angry, I'm glad I did since I doubt he'll be making that comment to a grieving family again.
Best- a girl at work who I never really bonded with (we didn't not get on, but never really spoke either), saw me sobbing one day in an empty room and walked in, pushed a cake across the desk and just said "I'm sorry to disturb you but I saw you crying and thought you could use some cake." Could be seen as insensitive but as someone who really doesn't do emotional conversations, it meant a hell of a lot.

Big hugs to every one of you, it's a shit place to be and a shit thing to happen.

peachgreen · 01/08/2017 19:58

Oh no, wait - my mum said that it was a shame that my miscarriage would 'spoil' my best friend's pregnancy. That hurt.

Lofari · 01/08/2017 19:58

These are so sad. I swear people lack the ability to think before they speak sometimes.
I had a MMC found out at 12 week scan. Had a couple of gems of responses. My mother pointed out I had a healthy baby already which is more than a lot get, and one of my sister's nodded and decided the baby i had lost was a girl as clearly we couldn't carry them like we could boys (both sisters have had a son and a MC)
I have since had a daughter who quite honestly gets looked at funny by them.....

Littlemissamy · 01/08/2017 19:59

Also, one of the ladies at work has had multiple MC and one late loss, and she took me into her office and we just hugged and cried together. It was the only time I didn't feel completely alone.

Whatsername17 · 01/08/2017 19:59

Yanbu. Losing a baby is the hardest thing I've ever been through. I'm so sorry for your loss.

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