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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU in not appreciating 'helpful' comments following my miscarriage?

113 replies

Janey638 · 01/08/2017 10:20

Hello,

Jus heard a good interview on Radio 4 about a new campaign by the Miscarriage Association on how to support people going through a miscarriage. I have been trying for a baby for a number of years and was delighted when we finally got pregnant. Sadly we lost the baby at 8 week. So many people told us 'at least it was early' and perhaps the worst 'just think how disabled it would have been if it had been born'. I appreciate people were only trying to help but why do people say these things? Would love to know what are some of the worst things you have heard following a miscarriage (and also the best)?!

OP posts:

GinaFordCortina · 01/08/2017 10:52

Oh crossed post with Juno.

Iggii · 01/08/2017 10:54

Beingsunny, being unkind might not be their intention but I don't see why someone already suffering has to put up with crass, foot in mouth comments either. It's just like a late period, it's not a real baby, you've enough on your hands with one, you'd never have coped with two at your age, there was probably something wrong with it, you don't have room for another baby, of course stress can cause miscarriages you are very stressed aren't you? Etc etc.
There were lovely comments too of course, often from those who had experienced loss themselves.

wordy17 · 01/08/2017 10:54

I had a miscarriage 31 years ago and you never forget. I loved/love the baby as much as I love my other children. I guess I just wanted to validate your experience Janey and send my very best wishes.

FrostyPopThePenguinLord · 01/08/2017 10:54

At least you know you can get pregnant,
It obviously wasn't meant to be
There must have been a reason
Just relax, it will be ok in the end
There is nothing you can do about it so there is no point stressing (that was my husband!)
I know someone who had X miscarriages and had after 3 children no problem.

The list goes on
I know it's because they are trying to help and are possibly not sure of what to say but seriously....think it through!

TooGood2BeFalse · 01/08/2017 10:55

notreallyarsed thank you yes, she really was. And it did help, very much.

grannytomine · 01/08/2017 10:56

I was lucky and my threatened miscarriage ended with a healthy baby but I hated the midwives who said well you already have three, I mean would anyone say that to someone whose child died? I loved that baby and the other three didn't change that one bit.

The most horrible thing was the woman who said it was a shame I hadn't lost the baby as nature knows best and it would obviously be disabled. Vile woman. I know it isn't always easy to know what to say but definitely don't say that.

Talith · 01/08/2017 10:57

My sister who had two rambunctious under fives when I miscarried said jokily "you can have one of mine if you want" Serious misjudging my mental state. But she probably was sleep deprived.

Lots of "it's nature's way"... "It wasn't meant to be..." Nonsense.

People don't mean to be hurtful, but it does suck. I mostly hate how you are so on your own. Hospitals... Doctors can and will do nothing. No intervention to save the baby, you are sent home to do it alone and not given advice on what to do with the foetus when it passes. Mine ended up down the loo like many others due to panic. Regret that.

Hugs all round xxx

AppalachianWalzing · 01/08/2017 10:57

I think the problem is different people respond better to different things. I did say to people 'at least we know we can get pregnant' - I wouldn't have wanted someone to say it to me, but we'd been ttc for a while, so on some level it was a comfort. And it was hard to find words to capture 'this thing has happened, it's shit, but we'll get through it.'

I miscarried at eight weeks- if someone had expected me to name that foetus, I would have freaked out. I desperately wanted that baby, but I don't believe it was a baby yet- part of the loss was the potential, what could have been. We had seen the heartbeat, I had started to get excited: but it was a completely different experience than it would be for someone at 16 weeks or 20 weeks.
So actually I found some people who were trying to be sympathetic almost made me feel worse I wasn't more upset.

I think it is important to talk about miscarriage more, and the physical reality of it which was so much worse than I was expecting as well as the emotional side. There's a whole range of emotions, and feelings, and physical consequences and none is the 'right' reaction, which makes finding the right response harder. However, I think 'I'm sorry, that must be tough, I'm here if you want to talk about it' is probably a universally acceptable response to most of the terrible things life throws at us.

Pinksparklyfish · 01/08/2017 10:58

When I had an early miscarriage my friend said "so just like a late period then"

Notreallyarsed · 01/08/2017 10:59

TooGood2BeFalse I'm sorry about your mum too, my mum died 6 weeks ago and I'm lost.

elliejjtiny · 01/08/2017 10:59

I had the comment about how it's better to have a miscarriage than a disabled child. I've had disabled children since my first miscarriage and I'm very thankful I didn't miscarry them.

Best one was my neighbour who had seen the ambulance and phoned our landlord to ask if we were OK. She brought round chocolates and told me she understood as her son had died too. I found out later her son had died as a teenager, but she talked to me as if my grief for my tiny 12 week baby was equal to hers.

Original poster

Janey638 · 01/08/2017 11:08

Hugs to everyone! Posting this you really realise how horribly common it is. TooGood2BeFalse - I'm so sorry xxx

OP posts:

Pogologo · 01/08/2017 11:10

When I had depression after my first ectopic, from my mum "It's like a holiday, you remember the worst bits." I still don't know wtf she was on about.

Years later, after discovering I'd had a missed miscarriage at my 12 week scan after IVF, I went to get DS from my mum. She managed to be sad for about 2 minutes before leaping up and insisting on showing my husband her new kitchen.

MommaGee · 01/08/2017 11:10

Nobody is being unkind, it's a difficult situation and it's human nature to look for something positive to say I agree no one is being unkind but surely a little empathy would show you that not everything has a positive spin. If you're minimising someone else's feelings its more likely to be about you than them. This is too awkward/ painful / uncomfortable so we'll pretend its not too bad.

I've thankfully never had a mc but surely empathy is a skill applicable for all losses?

MommaGee · 01/08/2017 11:12

And OP I'm so sorry for your loss. YADNBU to not have to be ok with whatever platitudes people throw at you just because they're "trying"

ticketytock1 · 01/08/2017 11:14

Yanbu
I've just had an ectopic pregnancy and get similar comments. The worst is 'at least you already have healthy children'
It's so hard
Look after yourself, grieve your loss and practise your head tilt, nod and smile face while secretly telling them to fuck off

Spikeyball · 01/08/2017 11:17

One nurse said to me after my stillbirth that if he had survived he would probably have been a very poorly little boy. I think that comment has stuck because my living child is disabled.
I treasure all the cards, notes and small keepsakes I was sent.

AnneLovesGilbert · 01/08/2017 11:18

Well put MommaGee. And there's nothing wrong with saying "I don't know what to say". I've had people say that to me and it's easy to reply "don't worry, there isn't anything to say, but thanks for being here" or whatever's appropriate. They're neither putting their foot in it nor ignoring you.

HumpHumpWhale · 01/08/2017 11:23

My MIL said that the second miscarriage was probably caused by me being worried about miscarrying again. And that some women can't carry one sex to term, so maybe it was that, like I couldn't carry girls and the first two pregnancies were girls so that's why I lost them. Odd. I also had a friend who said "oh, very early then" really dismissively when I told her I'd had two miscarriages. I haven't really been able to forgive her.

Rufus27 · 01/08/2017 11:33

'It was meant to be' really used to get to me. Cant really explain why. I think because it translates (to me) as 'I dont know what to say and dont want to discuss it so let's move on to discussing the weather/last night's TV'.

Have to say though, that since becoming an adoptive mum, the ignorant 'helpful' comments have been far worse and I've quickly had to grow a thick skin.

waitforitfdear · 01/08/2017 11:33

Fucking hell hump your mil is insane.

There's no excuse for some of these comments. None.

Has anyone seen the 'talking heads' With the late great Thora Hurd and she covers attitudes to her characters miscarriage by nurses.

It's truly heartbreaking

LisaSimpsonsbff · 01/08/2017 11:51

I've had two miscarriages at five weeks and one at seven. I'm always very clear that I know that's nothing like a later loss, but it is hurtful to be treated like it's nothing at all. A friend told me about another friend's miscarriage and added 'and hers was really sad - they'd seen the heartbeat'. I did find it a bit comforting to know I could get pregnant after the first one, but obviously that comfort has now very much diminished. I also wish people wouldn't tell me that it'll definitely be ok next time or that I'll definitely have a baby - obviously that's what I hope, but they don't know and nor do I. Also not a huge fan of 'no one would have known in the past' - I'm not convinced it's true anyway, but also if I didn't know I was a recurrent miscarrier then I'd be medically infertile - how is that better?

Bearberry · 01/08/2017 11:54

I'm so sorry for your loss

Our DD1 was stillborn when I was 6 months pregnant. I found comments around "it wasn't meant to be" or "there must have been something very wrong with her" the hardest, however well intended they were. Especially considering we had a post mortem and there was no problems and no reason found. I wanted to fucking punch people when they said that. Saying that, in the early days I felt generally furious and it didn't take much. Part of the grieving process I guess. My SIL had fallen out with my DH (an unrelated matter) the weekend we lost our baby, when she found out she sent a text message with a sad face emoji and some kisses. With literally no follow up phone call or visit. She has never said anything else on the matter. He still hasn't forgiven her two years later.

What helped me, was a few close people who weren't afraid of my grief and would let me talk about her, and ask about her. Those that two years on, still remember her.

LemonadeWithACherry · 01/08/2017 11:57

My DM said 'are you sure it wasn't just a late period?' even though she knew I'd had an early scan that showed a heartbeat. After my second mc she said brightly 'oh well, it will be fun trying again!' managing to be both insensitive and inappropriate.

I miscarried at my MIL's house one time, in her downstairs toilet. I tried to flush away the blood and tissue but some of it stuck to the bottom. It remained there for weeks afterwards and every time I used the loo I had a jolt. Why didn't she bleach it or something!

namechange500 · 01/08/2017 11:59

So sorry to hear of all these experiences, and for all your losses.

I had an early MC at Christmas. It was a horrible time, family visits and normal celebrations meant we had no time to be alone and process things and we didn't feel able to share with family.

I told my closest friend. She was 'too busy' to come round for a cup of tea for 3 weeks. When I first saw her she joked about how she thought she might be pregnant again and what a disaster that would be (they weren't trying). The next time I saw her, she'd done a pregnancy test to make sure and got a negative. She declared that she 'understood exactly how upset I felt with my MC' when she saw a negative and was surprised to feel disappointed.

I was so sad that my friend just wasn't there for me, and could make such flippant comments. I never told her how much that hurt.

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