AIBU in not appreciating 'helpful' comments following my miscarriage?

[Janey638]

Hello,

Jus heard a good interview on Radio 4 about a new campaign by the Miscarriage Association on how to support people going through a miscarriage. I have been trying for a baby for a number of years and was delighted when we finally got pregnant. Sadly we lost the baby at 8 week. So many people told us 'at least it was early' and perhaps the worst 'just think how disabled it would have been if it had been born'. I appreciate people were only trying to help but why do people say these things? Would love to know what are some of the worst things you have heard following a miscarriage (and also the best)?!

I had a friend have two mcs at 6 and 7 weeks around the same time i had one. She said to me it was far worse for her as she already had a child so knew what she was missing out on.

I think people just feel the need to say 'something' unfortunately it's never had much thought out into it.

'Everything happens for a reason' was the one that got to me. No sometimes it doesn't, sometimes life's just really fucking cruel.

Sorry for your loss op x

DSis had a moment of madness and told me, after we found out our baby was "0% compatible with life", that prehaps it was a sign we should have waited. That hurt. I realise she had no idea what to say and thought it might help but it hurt.

My Dad and DD were the most beautiful people. My Dad just hugged me and OH for 10 mins when we got home, he's not a touchy feely person, it was as if he shared our pain. My DD hugged me and told me that my grandad, who died a year ago, would look after the baby in heaven. I don't believe in heaven but I can't even begin to tell you how comforting it was.

I'm so sorry for everyone's loss.

That's not what this thread is about RufusG

Happy reading ? WTAF ?

Rufus plenty of threads for suggestions, and yours reads more like an advert. Go away.p

'Happy reading'?? How disrespectful on this thread

Sorry for your loss OP, and for other sharing their stories.

I think some of the most helpful comments (for me) came from older people. Or people who had been through a loss. Most of our friends are not yet TTC, and young and just didn't know how to react or what to say. My cousin's grandmother - a 90 year old lady on her deathbed in hospital - told my parents who went to see her to tell me to stay strong and said the same thing happened to her and look now she has these strapping kids and our time will come. It just felt so moving that someone (who isn't related to me by blood) just had so much compassion and thought for some kids so far away.

So many other small thoughtful things. Including other posters on MN. I started a thread later and got so much support it felt just slightly less bleak to know I wasn't alone.

Some insensitive, stupid, sad comments for sure! Mostly from people who just didn't know what to say. I'd list some but they'll just fuel outrage. I tell myself now with some distance that they meant well just worded their feelings clumsily.

I was texting a friend briefly about my 3rd miscarriage. She replied to say sorry and ended the text saying 'onwards & upwards'. I don't kmow why I found that so hurtful - it just seemed to say 'forget about it now and move on'. I'd hardly discussed it - not like I was going on and on about it. I'm sure she meant well but i felt so sad after it.

Best advice was from a nurse on the phone when I was scared of the pain : "don't be embarrassed to push- its not a period " - practical advice which helped end it quicker even though I was relatively early on. Worst comment "it wasn't a baby yet"

I am sorry OP and everyone else who has suffered a loss.

I think sometimes people feel awkward and that saying something is better than silence. They may be trying to say something positive but if they don't understand they get it wrong.

As others have said, it is something that should probably be talked about more buy people feel embarrassed to discuss.

I had a mc and was admitted to hospital after having a hemorrhage. My friend, knowing I was in hospital and miscarrying (I was actually in the process of losing the baby...it hadn't even finished) texted me to say

"Just to let you know I'm pregnant! Didn't know how to tell you. Still here for you though "

You could have waited a week or so you cunt.

I got asked by the radiographer " Do you still expect to be pregnant?"
Errrr yes I was only spotting.
Then she pressed so hard on my bump I felt something coming out.
The doctor then telling me my baby was bizarre.
Thanks for that.
My son would have been 29 this year :(