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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to say no to house 'gatherings'

103 replies

Bigglassofwineplease · 01/08/2017 09:01

Ok....so I said 'yes' this time. I love my DD and I want her to have a lovely 17th birthday but when she asked for a 'gathering' at our house next week my heart sank. Her friends are nice but when they all get together they get so loud, the music is deafening and they all drink ridiculous amounts. Inevitably, things get broken, neighbours are annoyed and I spend time tidying up the next day to clean sticky floors and worse etc. I hate these parties as I love my house but drunk teens just don't respect other peoples property as a rule and uninvited teens always turn up.

I annoyed her by saying 'how many people'...'must stop at 11pm'...'only downstairs' questions....she even asked me to go out for the evening....

Advice please, experiences, ways of dealing with this other than me necking a bottle of wine to be as irresponsible as the night will be. I am being realistic...these times are never quiet events. I am not a prude, I can party like the best of them but I am seriously stressing already......

OP posts:
mrsRosaPimento · 01/08/2017 09:09

Make rules together. Or impose them yourself. Alcohol would be a deal breaker for me. You have to live there after the party. Warn your neighbours in advance. Also these kids need to respect that this is your home and not to trash it. Make sure they know if you see behaviour you don't like they can leave and go home. Also set a time that the party is over. Take control.

BigGreenOlives · 01/08/2017 09:10

Ask at least one friend to come over to keep you company.

pinkdelight · 01/08/2017 09:10

Say no. ime there's always a couple of kids whose families do this and they become the party houses, but other kids' parents don't allow it and that's fine. If you don't want yours to be a party house, just say no or at least grit your teeth and enforce the small group till 11pm only. She's only pushing because she believes it will work and you'll give in, but I definitely wouldn't go out and leave them to it in a million years. Mind you I don't care about being a cool parent and don't think it's what really counts. In a year she'll be able to celebrate in a pub anyway.

mrscropley · 01/08/2017 09:12

I have 4 dc over 18 and 3 teens. . Solved your problem by never ever supplying them with alcohol. . Not judgy just means have avoided all the above issues. .

Greyponcho · 01/08/2017 09:12

Why are you tidying up her post-party mess? Without any consequence of making the mess while having fun, she'll continue to take the piss ask for parties.

Violetcharlotte · 01/08/2017 09:17

I think it depends on how well you know her friends and what they're like. I've said DS can have a gathering for his 18th next week. I'm sure there will be some mess/ noise, but they're decent kids and won't deliberately trash the place. We've got wood laminate floors and I'll move the rugs so any spillages can be wiped up. I'll cover the sofa with a throw and move anything breakable. Our neighbours on one side have small children so I will warn them in advance.

I'm not too worried. Ask me next week whether I'd do it again!

Original poster
Bigglassofwineplease · 01/08/2017 09:17

I won't be providing any alcohol. Just several hundred ham sandwiches at my DD's request...apparently her friends have never tasted another ham sandwich as good. Must be the butter and bread I use....

They bring vodka in lemonade bottles....what do I do...frisk on the way in? I had a drink at parties when I was 17...

I will take charge, I just don't want my DD to feel embarrassed by an over controlling mum on her special day. I will say that the night will provide a basis for any future decisions though.

OP posts:
SorrelSoup · 01/08/2017 09:19

Our neighbours kids have an awning in the garden for their parties. It's a bit noisy but ends by midnight. The neighbours don't mind about the noise as it's not regular and there's not loads of people.

Start ordering taxis to bars in town at 11. That usually clears a house out without it seeming like a complete party shut down.

PenelopeFlintstone · 01/08/2017 09:22

Like Sorrelsoup, I was going to suggest they take it outside. Even a park? With music and portable barbecue?

Original poster
Bigglassofwineplease · 01/08/2017 09:23

DD's friends are all decent kids. Just get silly and loud like any teens when they get together. I don't offer my house as a 'party house'....I guess I see it as supporting my DD and taking a 'turn' so that next time someone else can do one. I'll say she has to tidy up (and then I will do it properly later on)....it's just whether I will be able to bear waiting for her to do it.....

OP posts:
RhubardGin · 01/08/2017 09:23

Erm, who's the adult here?

Take some control over your own house, your DD sounds spoiled.

Sorry OP. I'm all for parties but if your DDs friends can't control their drink, trash your house, show no respect for you and annoy your neighbours why on earth are you pandering to your DD and letting her have another party?

Hmm
bigTillyMint · 01/08/2017 09:25

Ours have had a few "gatherings" which are less than 20 - I'm not having more than that partying in our house! And it happens very rarely. We don't provide alcohol but they all bring it. We are in London and it is very easy to buy alcohol underaged.

We stipulate kitchen and garden only, to keep the noise down and finish at 12ish though we didnt chuck DDs friends out till we came in at 1am the other day, but it was part of her 18th celebrations!

Never had any complaints from neighbours yet and no more than the odd glass broken.

Original poster
Bigglassofwineplease · 01/08/2017 09:26

We live in a village and the parks are patrolled at night and any groups are moved on. There really aren't many places for them to hang out...hence 'my turn' for this particular occasion. Btw...my exdh is 250 miles away and never has to be involved in any of his kid related pleasures.

OP posts:
UrsulaPandress · 01/08/2017 09:27

We stay in but upstairs.

Dd is concerned enough to put the hard word on friends.

She had a bit of a do whilst we were away but I think she felt massively responsible to ensure that nothing was broken and that the dog was safe. She threw out a boy who was doing balloons in the downstairs loo. (whatever that means).

But we are detached and have stone floors downstairs.

She does have one friend who is not allowed to have parties as her mother is anal about her house.

AlmostAJillSandwich · 01/08/2017 09:29

Honestly id just say no. Or tell her no alcohol and anyone who is clearly disrespecting that rule will be asked to leave. No frisking needed it will be clear fairly early on who has brought alcohol and is drinking. If they get too loud theyre given say 2 warnings then its party over. Theyre 17 not 7 they can respect rules or theyre out. Nobody not cleared with you first allowed in.

Fairenuff · 01/08/2017 09:30

Wow. My teens have had plenty of gatherings and have never broken anything! They are respectful to neighbours and always clean up after themselves, leaving the place spotless. I'm shocked at the way your dd behaves Shock

picklemepopcorn · 01/08/2017 09:31

List your concerns and ask her what she'll do about them. So she can tell the neighbours, she can clear up or pay for a cleaner, she can work out what to do if friends get silly drunk. Help her work out a plan, and help her with elements of the plan.

UrsulaPandress · 01/08/2017 09:31

No alcohol at a party for 17 year olds!

Are you serious?

CoughLaughFart · 01/08/2017 09:31

I'd definitely say no to going out for the evening - even if the kids don't even see you, knowing you are in the house may be enough for some of them to be at least a bit more careful.

What is the layout of your home like? Is there any way of designating a certain room as the 'party room'?

Greyponcho · 01/08/2017 09:32

They might be decent kids but if they're making your house a total mess & breaking things then that's pretty un-decent imo.
Remind your DD any breakages must be paid for by her - she might implement her own alcohol control policy that way.
Yes, I was young too but would never dream of taking advantage of your good nature the way your DDs friends are doing.
But, you're the adult here. It's your stuff getting wrecked.

operaha · 01/08/2017 09:32

For dds 17th I stood firm on the you can have 8 people for a dinner type thing. She sulked for weeks, saying she wouldn't bother etc but I didn't budge. I just kept that night free.

A week before she asked if it was ok to have 7 friends over for drinks and nibbles. I said yes of course. We got the kitchen table out to seat 8, i helped her make lots of food, put up a few decorations then husband and I went out, only until midnight and came back to 8 young people sitting around the table, a bit loud and giggly but otherwise ok. They wanted us to sit with them which we did for a while but then I think the novelty wore off and the night came to a natural close.

I was really pleased with the compromise. I allowed her a party at 16 and learned my lesson!!!

AnathemaPulsifer · 01/08/2017 09:34

Volume limits, time limits and she clears up first thing!

We were a party house when I was growing up and my house is one for my teen, but the limits are always very, very clear.

JustDanceAddict · 01/08/2017 09:34

Limit numbers, remove all breakables and stop it at 11pm and stay around. Upstairs, but make it obvious you're there.
I used to have a lot of parties when I was a teen. My mum was great about it. My friends were very good & we always warned the neighbours. It's something I was always thankful for as some of my friends weren't allowed parties at home. No major damage either. I'm sure I helped clear up the next day (people stayed over too).
Not sure how I'd feel about having one here yet. DD has had a small gathering, no booze yet (as far as I know!) and it's loud and messy, but it sounded fun and the kids were ok. I was hovering in the other room so I was keeping an ear out for anything dodgy. They knew I was here too.

Mulledwine1 · 01/08/2017 09:36

I'd say no, too. It's not fair on the neighbours, either if it's noisy. A bit of background chat is fine but once people (of any age) get drinking they get louder and sillier by the minute. I'd definitely say 11pm at the latest for people to start leaving, too.

If you do allow it, then make a stand on alcohol. If the kids are so keen to drink, they won't come. Problem solved.

And if they abide by your house rules, the problem is solved too.

And don't go out! The problems in my area start when parents go out (or away for the weekend) and leave their late teens/early 20s in charge of the house.

And I wouldn't be doing any cleaning up, either. Her party, her mess, she tidies up. It might concentrate her mind a bit if she thinks she needs to tidy up, might police her friends a bit more.

Original poster
Bigglassofwineplease · 01/08/2017 09:37

My DD is lovely, polite and respectful. She wouldn't dream of wrecking anything. Others spill things, glasses get knocked over, people dance, bump into each other....music gets turned up....the atmosphere is happy...

I will sit down with her and express the house rules and consequences of anything negative.

I tend to say yes twice a year. Maybe I'm stressing because I'm knackered at the moment and want a quiet life.

OP posts: