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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to say no to house 'gatherings'

103 replies

Bigglassofwineplease · 01/08/2017 09:01

Ok....so I said 'yes' this time. I love my DD and I want her to have a lovely 17th birthday but when she asked for a 'gathering' at our house next week my heart sank. Her friends are nice but when they all get together they get so loud, the music is deafening and they all drink ridiculous amounts. Inevitably, things get broken, neighbours are annoyed and I spend time tidying up the next day to clean sticky floors and worse etc. I hate these parties as I love my house but drunk teens just don't respect other peoples property as a rule and uninvited teens always turn up.

I annoyed her by saying 'how many people'...'must stop at 11pm'...'only downstairs' questions....she even asked me to go out for the evening....

Advice please, experiences, ways of dealing with this other than me necking a bottle of wine to be as irresponsible as the night will be. I am being realistic...these times are never quiet events. I am not a prude, I can party like the best of them but I am seriously stressing already......

OP posts:

morningconstitutional2017 · 01/08/2017 10:06

Of course you don't want to be over-controlling but you don't want to have have a disaster or the neighbours to be annoyed. If DD thinks she is grown up enough to have a party, she should be grown up enough to clear up afterwards. Don't go out and leave them to it.

We've all read about terrible teenage parties which result in the house being trashed, police having to break it up, etc and you don't want to have an experience like that - though I imagine they're fairly rare - that's why they end up in the papers. Don't volunteer for this type of experience.

MsHarry · 01/08/2017 10:06

Good luck OP. I think the title of your thread is misleading as you are asking for support not to have one but you obviously are going to.

MsHarry · 01/08/2017 10:08

Oh and def don't leave the house. you need to protect your DD. I always check parents will be home when my DD goes stop other parties. At one, the parents went out to a local pub after telling me they were staying home(nice) and came home to a group of unite dads breaking their front door down!

MsHarry · 01/08/2017 10:09

Not unite lads, group of uninvited lads!

PenelopeFlintstone · 01/08/2017 10:16

I don't think you sound like you're trying to be cool or a friend rather than a parent. I'd let mine have a party too but would still try to get them outside in case of vomiters. Don't worry about the neighbours if you finish at midnight/1am. It's part of life!

Maelstrop · 01/08/2017 10:21

Dunno why you're doing this twice a year. You do seem to want to be cool mum. Let this one be the last time. Any uninvited people get turned away. My brother had a party at this age, one kid was stabbed.

blahdblah · 01/08/2017 10:25

What about using the Village hall?/ Church Hall?/ Scout hut? That way the mess is not your problem it is your DDs.

KungFuEric · 01/08/2017 10:30

Why is your 17 year old daughter not capable of cleaning up after herself competently? You aren't doing yourself any favours raising a child who needs mummy to do everything for them. Will you expect her uni flat sharers to do a proper job after her?

Fabellini · 01/08/2017 10:49

We do the "gathering" thing for dsd2 maybe a couple of times a year. Maximum number of people is 15, and home time/total shutdown is midnight...if some of them choose to go to town, that's up to them.
Dp and I always stay in, although usually upstairs - there are two loos downstairs, so no need for anyone else to come upstairs.
Last couple of times dsd has requested "party food" so I've done sausage rolls, little chicken skewers, and a couple of platters of sandwiches...plus umpteen bowls of crisps and things.
I think that's helped soak up the alcohol as we've never had any bother.
Dp makes sure she's up at a reasonable time the next day, and she has to do clearing up - although we usually do it with her. She's well aware that if that doesn't happen, or there's an issue on the night, there won't be any more "gatherings".

pinkdelight · 01/08/2017 10:52

I do have a backbone. I am simply asking for advice and experiences of others given the situation I have allowed. I am not asking for my character and parenting skills to be questioned.

Not questioning your character, it's just confusing when your thread is 'AIBU to say no to house gathering' but when people supportively say YANBU, your position is that it is unreasonable to say no and you're arguing that you should say yes and apparently had no intention of saying no as embarrassing your DD is worse than saying no. You can surely see why this appears like no backbone, if even people agreeing with you makes you volte face. Very strange.

starsorwater · 01/08/2017 10:57

my friends' insurance claim came to 20k. party was crashed-60+ teens, 1 loo, all over by 10pm, closed by police....
Furious parents of gusts the morning after re drugs and underage sex.

waitforitfdear · 01/08/2017 11:07

See your dd sounds a bit immature. By 17 our kids and their mates could drink, party and all clear up afterwards.

No teenager damaged our house apart from a spilt drink.

I would say no too in your position op. She needs to mature and so do her friends. They are nearly grown up not 14.

waitforitfdear · 01/08/2017 11:10

do not put your name down as the responsible adult if you hire a village hall or scout hut

Amy damage and you are liable

Most wouldn't hire to teenage parties anyway our county doesn't as one was trashed .

Don't op just don't

Allington · 01/08/2017 11:13

If DD is usually reliable and sensible then yes, let her.

Set the limits (numbers, times, parts of the house, volume, alcohol, clearing up), be around (e.g. upstairs, pop down now and then to get a cup of coffee). Good idea about having a friend/ relative round to keep you company and to provide back up.

Speak to the neighbours, let them know the limits and make sure they have your mobile number in case they are getting annoyed about something. In fact, get DD to go and speak to them, and then have a quiet word after to make sure all are OK about it.

I would rather have a limited party at our house than DD is somewhere I can't supervise. It's an opportunity to learn how to socialise responsibly, under light supervision, manage friends' expectations, deal with minor difficulties while knowing she can call on you if necessary, understand the impact on neighbours etc.

safariboot · 01/08/2017 11:18

YANBU to change your mind and say no. But if it does go ahead, put an alcohol limit? Zero if you're wholly against, something like one bottle of wine between two guests if you're OK with it. Not sure how you'd enforce it though unless you want to be playing bouncer all evening.

And glue the volume knob on the stereo

Oh, and tell DD she is not to advertise the party on social media. She can invite people in person or by text/whatsapp/etc. Unprivate social media posts are how you get your house trashed by a thousand randoms.

ItsASunnyDay · 01/08/2017 11:21

When I was a teen my parents allowed parties. They were great but the house did get trashed, teens threw up on the carpet and at one some stuff got nicked by gatecrashers (my mums Lexus keys , a mobile phone, alcohol from the drinks cabinet.)
So when my girls are teens I will be saying no!!!!

Liiinoo · 01/08/2017 11:31

We were the party house. The worse things that happened were eyeliner trodden into carpet and a drink ring on a coffee table.

We stayed upstairs out of the way just passing through the ground floor for an occasional wine top up, that way they knew we were present but we weren't in their face. The rules were no smoking in the house, no noise outside after 11.30pm (I enforced that one rigorously, once descending on a group of noisy lads in my dressing gown and slippers who were making a racket at the end of the drive - I was known as the tiny, scary mum) and everything had to be tidied, vacuumed and back to normal by midday.

I actually miss those days, coming down to a living room floor packed with sleeping teens but at the time it was worrying, being responsible for so many young people, but at least I knew where DCs were and who they were with.

SuperPug · 01/08/2017 11:35

Got to agree with rhubarb etc.
Your house, your rules. It is not embarrassing to ask your daughter and her friends not to drink too much, be excessively loud and ruin your house. That's just common sense and respect.
I think you have to be a bit more assertive here.
And they need to tidy up...

waitforitfdear · 01/08/2017 11:37

It's so lovely when they turn 18 and can go to pubs and clubs.

crrrzy · 01/08/2017 11:40

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for privacy reasons.

Original poster

Bigglassofwineplease · 01/08/2017 11:50

I have been a bit confused with the title v what I have said I will do. Apologies.

I will say that if we have ANY issues, then it will be no all the way from here. Thankyou for all the advice.

OP posts:

PittTheMiddleOneNoOneMentions · 01/08/2017 11:56

I know someone who any time they have had parties at home for teenagers (over 15) have paid for some sort of security guard at the front door.

It doesn't have to be a "real" security guard - a big intimidating looking rugby player dressed in black will do the job - genuine bouncers better obviously.

A big danger with "gatherings" like this is gate crashers.

Lidlfix · 01/08/2017 11:59

I have 4 DDs and happily "host" get togethers. My DM was the same with DTS and I. There are strict rules about noise, where in house they can go and consequences of overdoing alcohol.

Alcohol is only allowed when the reach 17 and by that stage many are using older friends' IDs and going to pubs and clubs. I'll call parents of anyone who has overdone it.

Nothing to do with being a cool mum - I'm a secondary teacher so that removes any hint of cool. It also mean that I can deal with large groups of teens. DH works in the justice system and reduced some wannabe gate crashers to quivering apologetic Wee ladies.

That said I completely sympathise with the mess and lack of consideration. Perhaps get DD and some friends of hers who will in normal circumstances respect your home to plan set up and clean up operations?

If it's any consolation when they start to go off to uni and have to deal with aftermath themselves it gets much better.

Marlinspike · 01/08/2017 12:00

We've done 'gatherings' and parties. The worst was an unauthorised 16th where we came home to some vomit stains on a cream carpet... she was grounded for a couple of months for that one! For her 18th we braved a house party again - but supervised this time. My tips? Adult supervision (we walked round every hour or so, and helped sort out a poorly young lady), no kids upstairs, supply cider/ lager / soft drinks and stipulate no spirits (although I fear these were smuggled in). We have a sitting room that opens out into the garden, so most of the time they were there - that has a laminate floor, so easy to clean. We warned the neighbours and had to stop a group of lads peeing up the side of the neighbour's house! (To be fair the layout is a bit confusing and they thought it was our house). Downstairs loo only, and when the queues for that got too long we encouraged the boys to pee outside at the bottom of our garden ( we live in the country, so fields behind.) Have an end time which you enforce - and have food. I cooked what seemed like hundreds of sausages for about midnight, which sobered them all up ready to go home. Oh, and a strict limit on the number of people staying. We ended up running a few home as the taxi they'd booked didn't turn up.

I would say that you are right to be concerned OP, but my approach is that it is our DCs home as well, and they should be able to invite their friends as long as they stick by your rules. DD helped to manage the evening (e.g. Telling the boys where they could pee, and making sure smoking was outside) and she slept in the same room as her friend who had been very sick to keep an eye on her. She also helped the big clear up the next day.)

AndNowItIsSeven · 01/08/2017 12:00

No alcohol at a party for 17 year olds!

Are you serious?

You realise 17 is under 18 , yes?

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