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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to say no to house 'gatherings'

103 replies

Bigglassofwineplease · 01/08/2017 09:01

Ok....so I said 'yes' this time. I love my DD and I want her to have a lovely 17th birthday but when she asked for a 'gathering' at our house next week my heart sank. Her friends are nice but when they all get together they get so loud, the music is deafening and they all drink ridiculous amounts. Inevitably, things get broken, neighbours are annoyed and I spend time tidying up the next day to clean sticky floors and worse etc. I hate these parties as I love my house but drunk teens just don't respect other peoples property as a rule and uninvited teens always turn up.

I annoyed her by saying 'how many people'...'must stop at 11pm'...'only downstairs' questions....she even asked me to go out for the evening....

Advice please, experiences, ways of dealing with this other than me necking a bottle of wine to be as irresponsible as the night will be. I am being realistic...these times are never quiet events. I am not a prude, I can party like the best of them but I am seriously stressing already......

OP posts:
thethoughtfox · 01/08/2017 09:39

Can you get any cool uncles/ aunts or relatives or friends who can be in instead of you or help out so there is adult supervision that's non embarrassing?

notsoloudmrblessed · 01/08/2017 09:39

You have to hire a venue. DD's wishlist and your anxiety (quite justified) are incompatible for a teenage party at your house. Rules will be disregarded, promises broken and offence will be taken IIR at all C.

I promise, as a veteran of 4 DC now in their 20s it will be worth every penny to have someone and somewhere else handle the grief.

Beebee7 · 01/08/2017 09:40

Could you not look into hiring somewhere OP? Like an annexe of a local pub or something, and get a band or DJ and make a little buffet?

My kids have always been good as gold (ish!) most of the time but hell would freeze over before I would let them have a party with loads of mates in my house while I am not there! Shock

I think it's very naive for people to think a bunch of 17-20 year olds won't play up/make a mess/play the music loud etc etc... just because they are usually well behaved. And do you really think an (almost) adult wants their mommy there? 'monitoring' the goings-on ??? ( cringe )

No matter how 'good' or 'well behaved' your kids (and their mates) usually are, there's no telling how they will behave at a party, with booze, and with a chance of other uninvited young people turning up.

Don't do it. I bloody wouldn't!!! As I said, see if there is a possibility of taking it elsewhere.

DancesWithOtters · 01/08/2017 09:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BouncyHedgehog · 01/08/2017 09:42

I don't offer my house as a 'party house' Erm, I'm afraid you do. If you allow them to get stupid drunk, break things, be loud and disruptive with no consequences then yes, they are going to see yours as the 'party house' because likely their own parents don't allow these things.

You are worrying way too much about 'embarrassing' your daughter. You're her mother, it's your job to embarrass her if her and her friends are being a pita. Lay rules. Bringing in spirits should be a no-no - if you don't mind them drinking, that's fine but keep it to stuff they can't start doing shots with at least. And yes, you CAN frisk them at the doorway if you think they're bringing stuff in to your house, it's YOUR house.

Friend of mine was like this. Wanted to be the 'cool mum' and all that. She let her daughter have a party. She was only round the corner in the pub. Came back and the house was completely trashed (things broken, neighbours called police, the lot). SHE cleaned it up. Sometimes you need to put your foot down before you become a total doormat to your own kids.

yolofish · 01/08/2017 09:44

we had 50 here for DD2's 18th a couple of months ago. However the guest list included about 10 adult friends of ours/family etc, so everyone partied together - could you do something like that? No cramping of style occurred, my only rules were that smokers and vomiters had to go outside and I put away fragile stuff. It was great!

Original poster
Bigglassofwineplease · 01/08/2017 09:44

My budget is tight. I would save and hire somewhere for her 18th. We are talking a 'gathering' of around 15 I think this time. I will just have to be strict that nobody else can come....and check in on them. No relatives nearby to help. Might invite a friend round for support.....

OP posts:
specialsubject · 01/08/2017 09:44

So you don't want your house trashed and your neighbours upset? How very unreasonable...

They will have to try hard to find places that will allow it. That's because spewing wreckers aren't really welcome. Welcome to real life, sweetybumps.

Just say no.

MsHarry · 01/08/2017 09:47

My DD is approaching 17. I have said no to parties for the last couple of years when it became apparent that they drink loads(some bring bottle of neat vodka!!) and are VERY loud and what tp go on until at least 12/1am. DD accepts it now as she has seen th damage herself(people throwing up in people gardens/houses, things smashed. If you feel the same, stick to your guns. She has other friends whose parents say no too.some parents however have had several, even when there is no birthday. I don't get it!

WandaOff · 01/08/2017 09:49

Is it a gathering or a party? I'm told a gathering is different to a party as it's just half a dozen or so people Hmm

Both of my DS's have had lots of gatherings over the last few years and never has there been any mess like you describe. They usually tidy up and round up empty glasses and bottles. They also have similar gatherings at friends.
We are also very rural and before they could drive were all dependent on lifts. I would give a fixed end time and that had to go in the invitation. I would think 12 is reasonable for a 17th.
I would never go out though DH and I keep out of the way.

Original poster
Bigglassofwineplease · 01/08/2017 09:49

I'm not a doormat, nor do I want to be the 'cool mum'. I am allowing my kids to have fun. I just know now that it has to be more controlled so I don't stress like I am or will in the future. It is my home but it is their home too. Will work an action plan out with her.

Any other experiences from anyone? Lessons learnt? Top tips?

OP posts:
MsHarry · 01/08/2017 09:50

Oh and it doesn't matter of you supply alcohol or not, they bring it. I have seen normally sensible, clever friends with large bottle of vodka and a straw. Not to mention weed!

HipsterHunter · 01/08/2017 09:51

Well fist of all give her a lesson in how to clear up spills during a party and how to clean up properly afterwards. Shit loads of kitchen roll and floor wipes are your friend drying parties.

I don't understand why you're doing the clearing up?

Also music can't be too loud. People who are obviously drunk get sent home. And it finishes at 11.

Your seventeen year old doesn't need to be throwing boozy all night smash ups. She can do that at uni.

RhubardGin · 01/08/2017 09:53

Might invite a friend round for support.....

Support what? Just limit the amount of friends and lay down strict ground rules with your DD. If she is as polite and lovely as you say whats the problem?

If her friends can't respect your house they aren't "decent" they are taking advantage of your hospitality.

Stop trying to be the cool mum and just tell her straight what you expect. You don't need moral support, you need a back bone.

Ceto · 01/08/2017 09:53

Keep turning the music down. It's not acceptable to have it so loud it annoys the neighbours.

notsoloudmrblessed · 01/08/2017 09:55

I will just have to be strict that nobody else can come

You sound a little naive if I may say so OP.

Just because a DC asks doesn't mean they should get. A 17 yr old hasn't always got the same idea of 'reasonable', 'considerate' or 'grateful' as you or I might.

I'm trying to be tactful to you here OP. Being your DD's friend is not your role, being a parent is, and that means saying no sometimes for good and valid reasons.

Original poster
Bigglassofwineplease · 01/08/2017 09:55

This one is a 'gathering' so I will ensure it is different to the last 'party'. I will check the invite list and tell her if any of the usual suspects for drunken behaviour are on it, they aren't welcome.

I'm wising up to how to deal with this now.

OP posts:
ExConstance · 01/08/2017 09:57

My parents went out for the evening when I had my 16th birthday party at home many years ago and DH and I decamped to hotel du Vin (special deal) so as not to cramp our sons style on their respective 18ths. I cooked for them and provided wine and had no trouble at all. If you fix firm boundaries early on you get children who can be trusted to enjoy themselves without causing you problems.

AvoidingCallenetics · 01/08/2017 09:58

It's okay to say no. I do. 3 teens here and never had a house party - they've survived!
It's not a teenagers right to have parties at home, where things not paid for by them are likely to get damaged.

MsHarry · 01/08/2017 09:59

I started to bargain with DD about a gathering last year for her 16th but my rules made her not want it because it was stricter than her friends parties. I said, no alcohol and party ends at 11.30 and we stay home. Her choice. I pick her up from other parties at 12 and the sights I see are enough to tell me I made the right decision.

MsHarry · 01/08/2017 09:59

PS gathering=party

lifeinthecountry · 01/08/2017 10:00

I've never done teen parties, a few friends round, yes, larger gatherings, no. (Partly because I had two separate lots, so when the older lot were teenagers the younger ones were toddlers.)

But if you are going to do it, pass as much of the responsibility on to your daughter as possible, as PP have suggested. She should be responsible for looking after your house/things and for clearing up properly the day after, ensuring that people leave at the previously agreed time, etc. Hosting a party is often much less fun than attending one, so she might not want to do it again.

Original poster
Bigglassofwineplease · 01/08/2017 10:04

I do have a backbone. I am simply asking for advice and experiences of others given the situation I have allowed. I am not asking for my character and parenting skills to be questioned. Thankyou for all the advice. I post on here to get balanced views from others and to clear the mist from my mind when I struggle with something. I'm sure with much stronger rules and expectations, it will all be fine.

OP posts:
MsHarry · 01/08/2017 10:04

Yes I agree life as my DD had about 15 friends round for her 15th(before the alcohol at parties became standard) and they had a pizza delivery, music, dining room and garden until 11pm. The state of the room and garden after! Popcorn was still being found weeks later, random plastic cups in bushes. They just got very loud and silly and DD was quite stressed at a couple of friends who were throwing food in my house!!

Fairenuff · 01/08/2017 10:04

What did the neighbours complain about last time? Presumably it was the noise?

Keep the volume down and agree with DD that if there are any complaints, the music goes off. End of.

If her friends are screaming/shouting, tell them to leave.

You cannot keep upsetting your neighbours like that.