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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to say no to house 'gatherings'

103 replies

Bigglassofwineplease · 01/08/2017 09:01

Ok....so I said 'yes' this time. I love my DD and I want her to have a lovely 17th birthday but when she asked for a 'gathering' at our house next week my heart sank. Her friends are nice but when they all get together they get so loud, the music is deafening and they all drink ridiculous amounts. Inevitably, things get broken, neighbours are annoyed and I spend time tidying up the next day to clean sticky floors and worse etc. I hate these parties as I love my house but drunk teens just don't respect other peoples property as a rule and uninvited teens always turn up.

I annoyed her by saying 'how many people'...'must stop at 11pm'...'only downstairs' questions....she even asked me to go out for the evening....

Advice please, experiences, ways of dealing with this other than me necking a bottle of wine to be as irresponsible as the night will be. I am being realistic...these times are never quiet events. I am not a prude, I can party like the best of them but I am seriously stressing already......

OP posts:

Popchyck · 01/08/2017 12:11

My brother did this with his 18 year old. Downstairs only, absolutely no going upstairs. That was the rule.

He and SIL sat upstairs watching TV for the night. He heard a fearsome growling from his dog who was lying on the top landing and looked out to see two terrified-looking teens backing very carefully down the stairs that they had just attempted to climb.

JaneEyre70 · 01/08/2017 12:17

I'm quite laid back, and our DDs have had house parties. I don't mind alcohol as they'll bring it anyway, but always move anything of high value out the way, and make them use plastic glasses etc so most of the clearing up can go in a bin liner. It wasn't ever the mess that bothered me, it was the drama....at least one girl normally kicks off and starts but it's not a party until someone is crying . Some of my best memories were of house parties when I was a teenager and am happy to let my DDs have those memories too.

It's sensible for an adult to be around after a few hours...we'll go for a meal or to the cinema then come back. One party that our middle DD went to ended up with a lad going to A & E in an ambulance with alcohol poisoning from downing shots of neat vodka .

KinkyAfro · 01/08/2017 12:19

OP has posted for advice, why all the insults and snidey comments - some complete dicks on here at times

AlpacaPicnic · 01/08/2017 12:23

If it has to happen, then it has to happen your way.
No spirits - but supply some cheap wine/lager/cider. Not too much. Make 'punch' out of low alcohol stuff.
No vomiting in the house.
Plenty of stodgy food to soak up the booze.
Party finishes at 11. Promise to descend upon them in your nightgown/swimsuit if it continues.
Alternately, at 11.05 have several of your friends turn up and start singing karaoke/asking about latest dance trends/exam results and career aspirations.
One of my friends mum played a genius move at the end of a NYE party. She start hoovering around them and handing out dusters and mops. I've never seen a house clear out so fast.

StarHeartDiamond · 01/08/2017 12:24

Your ddd has too much leeway already from you. They are loud, annoy neighbours, drink too much, have uninvited (that's what you know) guests turn up, trash the house and you clean it up the next day???

Tell her the rules very firmly and say if she doesn't like it there's no party at all and won't be for a very long time. Don't negotiate, just work out what you feel comfortable with and tell her.

Also tell her that if you agree a time of say 11.30pn fur friends to leave then she either says her goodbyes and gets everyone to leave, or you will be waiting to get in there, turn the music off, the lights on and personally throw everyone out. Which would be mega embarrassing for her especially if you're standing there in your dressing gown whilst you do it. tell her you'll be in but will stay in to your room whilst she parties downstairs.

You need to put the breakers on her. Show her who's boss, because at the moment, it sounds like she is.

LenaLoveWitch · 01/08/2017 12:52

Ihad a couple of gatherings and 2 parties for DD when she was 17/18 with no dramas Rules were
Warn neighbours at least a week before - ideally 2 weeks so they can decide to go out late
Over by by 12
No one outside and loud music off by 11-1130
DD must clear up to immaculate standard early following morning ( she no longer wants parties due to the work involved)
We move valuables & breakables & rugs (we've wooden floors downstairs) into my bedroom and remove door handle.
I provide a delicious (and weak) fruit punch in a large dispenser which makes them think they are drinking more than they are and provide plenty of soakage foods (gotta love Costco)
No major mis haps other than throwing them out 30 mins early on one occasion when it looked as though two girls were going to have a fight. DD was furious but backed down after discovering fight did happen around the corner ( she's no longer friendly with instigator) . Oh and radiator covers tend to get knocked over in hallways so if there are any more events they will into lock up too. I'm probably too laid back but I remember what it's like to be young and the amazing parties I went to and at least I don't worry about her getting home safely. Now she's 18 she goes clubbing. Good luck

GnomeDePlume · 01/08/2017 12:53

Just had one of these so have a few lessons learned:

Friday night or Saturday night not Sunday night.
Warn the neighbours
Inside and music turned down by midnight
no spirits (mixed drinks fine but we ended up with a lad carted off to hospital because the silly sod had decided to neck neat vodka)
simple hand food (pizza etc)
you stay at home (up stairs and out of sight unless needed)
you stay sober
party stays downstairs
DD is responsible for all prep & clear up (make sure cleaning supplies are stocked up)
provide some drinks but no premium strength
provide soft drinks
get a bucket (teenagers always over-estimate their capacity for alcohol)

We have had a couple and our DD has learned that hosting is a lot harder than it looks so is very glad that the next party is at someone else's house.

LenaLoveWitch · 01/08/2017 12:55

janeEyre - you sound just like me
❤️

GnomeDePlume · 01/08/2017 12:55

X-posted Lena but it sounds like we have similar views and experience!

Cailleach666 · 01/08/2017 12:56

No way would I have a teenage party at my house. I wouldn't have an adult party either. I love my home too much.

I have teenagers - oldest is 19.
They wouldn't even ask me.
A cheaper and easier alternative would be to pay for a meal out to Pizza Express for them.

LenaLoveWitch · 01/08/2017 12:57

And you too Gnome! 💕

UrsulaPandress · 01/08/2017 13:20

There are some right misery guts on here.

stressedbeyond123 · 01/08/2017 13:40

had something similar last year with 17yr old DsD.

we agreed to let her have her friends over, we even stayed out the house for the night.

We bought some alcohol and told her to have fun, to not let anyone in the bedrooms under any circumstances at all, anything goes wrong its her responsibility, anything gets broken/ruined/taken, its her responsibility - we will look to her to replace it, repair it or whatever needed to be done to it. we don't care if it was a "friend" who done it, but the responsibility is hers, so she will be paying for whatever happens.

we came back following morning, about 11ish, to a spotless house and not one bit of trouble.

Give her the freedom, let her do this, but also let her know that she is in charge and the responsibility is entirely on her x

Cailleach666 · 01/08/2017 14:15

There are some right misery guts on here.

Not at all.
i wouldn't have a bunch of drunken adults in my house, I certainly wouldn't have a bunch of drunken teenagers.

Nikephorus · 01/08/2017 14:48

Your mistake was letting her have more than one party that ended up with excessive noise, drunkenness & breaking things. Warning after the first one, and no more parties after the second one. But as she's got away with it repeatedly (and not even had to clean up!) she has zero reason to change now.

specialsubject · 01/08/2017 14:49

Clearly Ursula is happy to host the party - there's a gap in the market as very few others will. Pm her and ask!

Cailleach666 · 01/08/2017 15:46

My view is that unless you are 5 years old - and if there will be alcohol involved - then you host your drinking parties in your own property.

titchy · 01/08/2017 15:53

Provide beer - ime that'll get drunk before the smuggled in vodka. Provide plastic glasses - small ones. Remove breakables. Confine to one room. Warn neighbour's with bottle of wine and flowers as a thank you.
Limit numbers. Provide plenty of carb to soak up alcohol.

Handsfull13 · 01/08/2017 16:05

I've not read all the responses so I might be repeating so things here.
Just say yes but under certain circumstances.
She must clean up after it all
She must replace anything that gets broken
She must go worn the neighbours and apologise for the noise in advance

And as long as she keeps her end up then you won't have a problem saying yes next time. Then invite someone over to keep you company while it's going on.

Happiness2017 · 01/08/2017 16:30

When I was a teen my mum always allowed 'gatherings' , at least doing it in the house she knew I was safe as were my friends.. she would stay and invite a friend/sister but not be in the centre of it.

I had to clean before going to bed that evening, and again the next morning if the job was poor. All valuables were moved, anything else that was broken was deducted from pocket money etc.

Neighbours were always on the back of us, but these parties were few and far between so never bothered them.

Make sure she knows the consequences if any rules are broken and let her enjoy her night.

MsHarry · 02/08/2017 09:11

Stress you don't know what happened at that party, just that she did a good job of clearing up!

665TheNeighbourOfTheBeast · 02/08/2017 09:46

My daughter did this for the first time early last year. I apologized that unfortunately I was not going to be able to allow alcohol as any consequences arising from this could loose me my job.
She was relieved, , really relieved. It meant she hard a good reason to say no without it being about her. That the dickish "always have to get drunk at a party" - not really friends- types would not push to come or crash it. It just took away so much pressure on her.
Fwiw they had a great time and have done it several times since with growing numbers of people really happy to " nerd out" rather than drink and vomit.

PenelopeFlintstone · 02/08/2017 12:40

There are some right misery guts on here.
Agreed! Life is short!

Aeroflotgirl · 02/08/2017 13:04

If your not happy with it, tell her no. They can meet at a venue outside. Its your home, your private space, if you don't want all that there (I would not), then tell her.

bigTillyMint · 02/08/2017 13:37

There are some right misery guts on here

Agreed too! Sensible rules, no repeat parties if not adhered to. Life is too short.

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