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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel irritated when families have multiple children they cannot afford

559 replies

Teddy7878 · 31/07/2017 10:41

First of all I accept that no contraception is 100% foolproof and pregnancy sometimes can occur even when people are trying their hardest to be careful.

I also accept that sometimes people's circumstances change and they could go from being financially comfortable to losing their jobs etc during their children's lives.

What really winds me up though are people who actively try and get pregnant when they already have several children and cannot afford the ones they already have. I sometimes see threads on here where people state they have less than £50 to feed a family of 7 for a week and no money at all for any luxuries whatsoever.

My DP and I will be in our mid 30s when we have our first child and we have decided it might be our only child. We want to be able to afford to give it a great life so have saved up hard for a few years beforehand. Between us we earn 65k so we live comfortably and don't have debts (other than the mortgage). It upsets me that we have to make the decision to only have one (possibly two) children and other people are having 5+ kids when they can't afford them.

Money isn't everything, a loving family home is always going to be the most important thing, but if you can only afford to eat lentils and never take your kids out anywhere fun or go on holiday or afford a car or pay for them to do activities outside of school or buy them a few nice things for Xmas then why keep continuing to have more and more children and making your situation even more stressful for everyone involved?! Why not just stick to one or two children?

OP posts:
OCSockOrphanage · 31/07/2017 22:09

Dalrymple, as you guessed. When he's incisive, he cuts straight to the quick. His views on literature are usually worth reading, and I think (most of the time) that he has walked the walk. There's lots to disagree with too, but as you say, a good read regardless.

OCSockOrphanage · 31/07/2017 22:17

No offence intended @SerfTerf, but I didn't have you down as a person who could enjoy Theo Dalrymple from your posts I have read. MN constantly and consistently delivers surprises.

SerfTerf · 31/07/2017 22:23
Smile

Well there's a difference between polemic and net curtain twitching, isn't there? Not that agree with him even half the time, but he's fearsomely bright and writes beautifully.

Mittens1969 · 31/07/2017 22:30

I do agree with the OP up to a point. I'm an adoptive mum. My DDs are birth sisters with two other siblings who are adopted elsewhere. Their birth mum keeps having babies and then isn't able to keep them, and this is something that happens all too frequently.

Sadly, a lot of people don't think about the consequences of their actions, and that's why they have more children than they can afford.

Others make decisions to have more children and they live within their means to bring them up. My BIL and his wife are like that. They have 5 children and she's a SAHM. They don't go on expensive holidays and live frugally.

Either way, moaning about it won't change anything. I'm someone who couldn't get pregnant so I could let others' irresponsibility to get to me, but life's too short and we all make our own choices - sometimes it's out of our hands though.

MotherPie · 31/07/2017 23:20

You don't think you can afford more than one child on 65k a year? Hmm.

paxillin · 31/07/2017 23:34

That's what I meant by it is subjective, MotherPie. If you "need" school fees, skiing trips and a live-in nanny it becomes difficult under £70,000. If the kid eats what everybody eats, free childcare is available and kids' bedrooms are shared, another child is affordable even on a low income.

Mittens1969 · 31/07/2017 23:50

I actually think the OP is doing her best not to be U by excluding various groups of people from her accusations of being selfish. But I don't think she's helped herself on here by hitting back at everyone who has attacked her on here, who I think have been responding defensively because of their own life choices.

If anything, I get the impression that the majority of posters on here agree with what she's said about women having babies they can't afford, it obviously is not the right choice to make.

nanimobars · 31/07/2017 23:57

I agree 100% OP. An example of a real life family I know of is a family living on my street. 7 kids, one more on the way. They live in poverty. The kids are flung outside all day. Wearing the same clothes with barely fit them. They have been in poverty for the time I've lived here. Therefore they've continued to have number 7 and number 8 whilst still living in poverty. It enrages me. The children are the ones suffering.

Wallahibillahitallahi · 01/08/2017 00:23

This thread is fucking gross. I have reported it and hope it gets deleted

Wallahibillahitallahi · 01/08/2017 00:28

It's just a collection of people wanting to express their disgust of poor people. And dress it up as 'concern for the children'
Bitter, nasty individuals who are so enraged that poor people might be happy or are able to have something that they are not able to have.
This has no place in a parenting website

MaisyPops · 01/08/2017 07:34

It's just a collection of people wanting to express their disgust of poor people. And dress it up as 'concern for the children'
Bitter, nasty individuals who are so enraged that poor people might be happy or are able to have something that they are not able to have.

What nonsense. It's not about being anti poor people at all. Situations change, life throws challenges. It doesn't mean when you're complaining about not being able to afford x y z that you should keep having more children.

My friend in school ending up as 3rd parent because her parents kept having more babies. That included working to top up the family pot and missing college around the need for childcare, school pick ups etc. It massively affected her education and in the end she dropped out of college.

I bumped into a relative of an old acquaintence from school. The friend has had new babies with a number of new boyfriends. Some of the babies are in care and she keeps having more. Parents and relatives have tried to help and areworried sick but they keep being pushed away because 'you just down like my latest boyfriend'. By their own admission, she needs help and social services are involved but she won't accept their help.

In those 2 situations I think it would be right for the parents to stop having more kids.
I don't believe in just having unlimited kids just because biologically someone can.

AwaywiththePixies27 · 01/08/2017 07:50

who I think have been responding defensively because of their own life choices.

Hmm
AwaywiththePixies27 · 01/08/2017 07:51

who I think have been responding defensively because of their own life choices.

Hmm
WaitroseCoffeeCostaCup · 01/08/2017 07:52

Here, have a grip,

woodhill · 01/08/2017 08:22

Why for having an opinion and saying people should take responsibility?

MyGastIsFlabbered · 01/08/2017 08:27

Maybe some of these families are staunch Catholics who believe they'll be eternally damned if they use contraception?

Maybe if each child is taken from them they're either consciously or unconsciously thinking 'this time it'll be different'

Maybe they are genuinely too unintelligent to understand the consequences of each baby? Where I used to work there was one lady, she had 7 children and 1 on the way, couldn't read or write, and it was documented that people had tired to discuss contraception with her and they couldn't make themselves understood.

It's not always black and white.

Personally, I'm glad we live in a society where we can help those who need it; I'm on benefits (and working) and very grateful
For it. I didn't set out to be a single parent.

Lexieblue · 01/08/2017 08:30

I think the families you are describing OP are a lot less common than some quarters would have you believe, but they do exist.
In my husband's family there is a family member who has never had a job and she's 32 with children. Partner doesn't work either and they are planning another (already have 6 children between them, all live together). I can't imagine how they cope financially though and think it's irresponsible for them to have another child at this point. There are other issues which are quite identifying that I won't go into but there are definitely other non financial reasons which also influence my opinion that having another child is irresponsible.
Tax credits are a really great idea and I think it's right that families have support on lower incomes but in certain circumstances it does seem unfair that hard working lower earners are given less help than people who choose to never work at all. (And I mean CHOOSE not can't work, that's completely different)

gandalf456 · 01/08/2017 08:51

Op. I have 2 children and have a household income of 2/3 less than yours and i live just outside London. We manage.

We still get to go on holiday and have days out.

You've just got to look at your expectations and reframe the notion of afford.

I know people who say they are skint but then look at how they live. They have to change their car every 2 years, they have to stay in luxury hotels when they go away, they have to send their children to private school, send them to an activity evey night - eg expensive dance lessons they're never going to use as an adult.

A great life doesn't have to be expensive. You don't even have to have a great life all the time. Life is not like that. It has its ups and downs both in childhood and adulthood. And it's good for children to sometimes learn they can't have the latest iphone or we are not going.to.Mauritius every year.

A lot of my children's friends are very spoilt and it does them no favours.

Op, I reckon you could afford 3 on that salary

Sugarformyhoney · 01/08/2017 08:51

I don't think either extreme is healthy. Lots of children you can't afford isn't ideal but planning for one child so merticulously isn't either. I have friends who stuck to one to give them the 'best of everything' and are on a good income. As a result the child has a different class everyday, is overwhelmed, exhausted and thinks the sun shines out of his areshole.
Having parents so over invested in him has been really bad for his social and emotional development.

gandalf456 · 01/08/2017 08:52

Sorry.meant 2/3 of 65 k NOT 2/3 LESS

Mittens1969 · 01/08/2017 08:54

@MyGastIsFlabbered, I agree with you. My DDs' birth mum has learning difficulties and grew up in care, so she didn't have a chance sadly. Apparently she loves being pregnant and yes she hopes it will different each time. It makes me sad, not angry, as the system let her down.

As to what we do about it, that's very hard. But they need to be helped not judged. However, it's legitimate to have a discussion about the issues on here without posters being accused of being against poor people.

lovemycatsanddog · 01/08/2017 09:03

Why do you to have to have one child whenyou are on £65.000, not exactly poor is it?

iniquity · 01/08/2017 09:11

Yabu if your ancestors had thought like that the human population would be extinct. I think you should stop whinging and have the two children you obviously want.

80sMum · 01/08/2017 09:12

Everything sensible seems already to have been said by PPs. So I have nothing further to add, except to say to the OP that I agree with all those who say that YA most definitely NBU!

cutiemark84 · 01/08/2017 09:13

You can only afford 1 child on 65k? Hmm