To feel irritated when families have multiple children they cannot afford

[Teddy7878]

First of all I accept that no contraception is 100% foolproof and pregnancy sometimes can occur even when people are trying their hardest to be careful.

I also accept that sometimes people's circumstances change and they could go from being financially comfortable to losing their jobs etc during their children's lives.

What really winds me up though are people who actively try and get pregnant when they already have several children and cannot afford the ones they already have. I sometimes see threads on here where people state they have less than £50 to feed a family of 7 for a week and no money at all for any luxuries whatsoever.

My DP and I will be in our mid 30s when we have our first child and we have decided it might be our only child. We want to be able to afford to give it a great life so have saved up hard for a few years beforehand. Between us we earn 65k so we live comfortably and don't have debts (other than the mortgage). It upsets me that we have to make the decision to only have one (possibly two) children and other people are having 5+ kids when they can't afford them.

Money isn't everything, a loving family home is always going to be the most important thing, but if you can only afford to eat lentils and never take your kids out anywhere fun or go on holiday or afford a car or pay for them to do activities outside of school or buy them a few nice things for Xmas then why keep continuing to have more and more children and making your situation even more stressful for everyone involved?! Why not just stick to one or two children?

I hope you have triplets.

For what its worth i completely agree with you. LOADS of girls from my year in highschool were either heavily prgnant or had a baby already a year after leaving. A few were prefnant when sitting the GCSE's. 11 years on from that most have "proud full time mummy" as their faceache job description and have never worked, but have had several more kids. One has just had her 5th.

My good friend i met online and his mrs have 3 kids, and neither work. They wanted a boy, baby 3 was finally a boy. If he hadn't been there would probably have been a baby 4.

The fact is the council dont want the kids to suffer so they give out free houses and pay all the rent and then up to 20k in benefits a year to pay people to raise the kids. The benefit cap was needed or it would never have stopped. Every single petson who has ever gotten pregnant has had abortion or adoption as options, possibly both. Nobody has ever been forced to keep a baby even if the conception was through contraception failure or less desireable reasons.

If the free houses and money were stopped and people HAD to find a way to pay themselves there would be a lot less kids in poverty. People dont take responsibility when theres such a good safety net from the government to fall back on.

@uokhunni What a delightful person you are.

@badmotherlotsofkids Well done. I think you have done an amazing job.

I know what you mean op. But I don't tend to care much as long as they're being loved and not neglected. It is none of my business really if they have no money for luxuries - it's what they've chosen. It wouldn't be my choice but there you go.

Dh and I have two together (6yo and 8mo), and I have two adult step children. Finances were obviously part of our considerations and like you, we wanted to still be reasonably comfortable. We both work ft so childcare costs came into it.

@AlmostAJillSandwich, as has been pointed out, though, some of these people are Catholics and abortion is not an option because of the risk of eternal damnation. I'm a Christian myself so I wouldn't want the babies not to be born! Adoption, absolutely, but that's a very hard road and people feel judged if they give their kids up. Mostly they don't, social services take the kids off them if they can't cope.

I think there are a lot of people who are anti abortion but also complain about single mums. They can't have it both ways!

Jill. No it wouldn't stop. People have been having children they can't aford for centuries. Some people just don't think ahead. It's a personality thing.

The only difference from now is that you'd have children dying in the streets.

Yay. Bring back ricketts and TB

You were in crippling debt only 2 years ago. You have waiter quite late to have your first. That is the reason you feel you can't afforr another. People usually plan ahead a bit more.

Abortion /adoption is a big decision. Don't trivialise it as another form.of birth control, jill! Most people agonise over both

People talk about Catholicism as a reason for this but at my Catholic Church there are only a handful of families who regularly attend who have 3 or more children. The vast majority are 2 or less, just like the rest of the families in the area.

In this country, there are few priests who would still counsel a woman struggling financially with the number of children she has not to use contraception. Even the Catholic Church has moved on.

It's rarely a religious thing (for British born women) and more of an upbringing/expectations thing. And it's far more common than a lot of posters on this thread seem to think.

Gandalf. You are right. It happens all the world over. You look at the devastation in Allepo and Mosul and think why would you bring a child into that? For an outsider it is very difficult to understand but in their world it isnt, because that is their normal.

Mittens1969
If the idea of contraception or abortion is so awful to somebody's faith then they need to consider using natural family planning or abstaining, not just say 'oh well I'll just keep having children'. Otherwise they're just bordering on the Duggars and the Quiverful movement.

As far as I'm concerned it's none of my business what a family consider to be comfortable (equally, much as I disagree with my friend who has a new baby with each new boyfriend as long as they're provided for its not my business), but when life situation changes, others are picking up the tab or older children are fulfilling parent roles to younger siblings then I do think it's time to step back and consider whether having more babies is a good idea.

If the free houses and money were stopped and people HAD to find a way to pay themselves there would be a lot less kids in poverty. People dont take responsibility when theres such a good safety net from the government to fall back on.

That's very true, take it all away and we would have very few "accidental" pregnancies as people would be far less blasé about contraception. Less children would also be born into unstable families where the couple are barely dating before deciding a baby is a great idea.

The sad fact is we live in a selfish world where so many see it as their right to have what they want and let others pay for it. Be it numerous children, live in an area outside their earnings, not work or do the bare minimum. Personal responsibility seems to have bypassed many.

The point of older siblings having to provide care and household duties should also be frowned upon. They are children and deserve a childhood, not playing house as their parents can't or won't do their adult role. Children should never be in a caring role, ever.

YANBU

I doubt many people have multiple kids for the free stuff.
Accidental pregnancies are few and far between in the uk. I made it to 34 without any accidents, as did most of my colleagues. Abortion is also freely available as is the morning after pill and contraception.
It just depends what you want in life and what you want for your kids. I chose to have one so she would be financially set up for life. Why? Because of family tradegies I have seen happen and I want the most secure start.
Some people are better at handling multiple kids and are brilliant parents - I am not one of those!
I think it is a bit much to suggest people are so incompetent.

I get annoyed with people who intentionally set out to claim benefits as a career choice.
Like their choices are (and I've known several people in such situations during my lifetime)
train for something
get a job
or have a baby and claim benefits.
I know a couple of people who purposefully have another child when their youngest is approaching school age to avoid getting work.
I'm sure they have their reasons, perhaps they feel stuck in a rut, and/or are nervous about finding a career when all they've known is benefits and raising children.
I sometimes find it difficult to come to terms with their choice.
But that's my problem.
The system is what it is, and no matter what systems are in place, there will always be people who choose to exploit them.
Not everyone does it on purpose and has a grand plan, lol. Sometimes life just ends up that way.

I've wanted children since I was a teenager.
I've waited until now (I'm almost 37) because I felt I couldn't afford a child.
I could've had one sooner and struggled along, or quit work and claimed benefits - it's an option to all of us!
But I chose not to.

I can't really then resent those that took opportunities I didn't just because I don't agree with them.
Right or wrong, it doesn't matter. People take what's dealt to them x
We all do what we feel is best for us at the time. We don't all make great decisions all of the time.

Good luck to everyone trying to parent children. No matter what their financial situations are.

How many people have really massive familiee though? I would say mowt have 3 or below.

Having grown up in one of these families, I think YANBU. We all suffered as the result of my parents' choice to have more kids than they could afford to have.

As kids, we didn't actually care about having less than our friends, not having nice clothes, or never going on holiday. We did however care about the constant worry that our parents wouldn't have enough money to feed us, or keep a roof over our heads. When we were a bit older, my parents discovered benefit fraud as a way of keeping the family afloat financially, which brought a whole different level of stress with it.

So no, living in these kinds of families is not fun if basic needs are not being met. It is, in my view, a bit naive to think that all will be fine as long as the kids are feeling loved.

YANBU

There is a woman 3doors down that has 6 children. The three teenagers have been in a variety of brushes with the law, the 8yo smears his own poo on the walls and the two little ones run her ragged. The baby is only 8 months old and his dad has decided he doesn't want to be involved.

She probably fits in to your stereotype OP, however her poor choices in men and desire to have a large family stem from her abusive paedophile father who raped her repeatedly from the age of 8, before beating her mother so badly she never recovered and lady up the road grew up in the care system.

I don't agree with her parenting choices, but I can see that she deserves sympathy and compassion.

The sad fact is we live in a selfish world where so many see it as their right to have what they want and let others pay for it. Be it numerous children, live in an area outside their earnings, not work or do the bare minimum. Personal responsibility seems to have bypassed many

Ain't that the truth

@MaisyPops, I obviously don't disagree with you on that, it would have been better if my DDs' birth parents didn't keep having children for example! But as to what we do about it, that's a very tricky question. If we stop benefits, are we prepared for the consequences of more children in care? That costs the tax payers more by far! Not to mention that we would need more foster carers and social workers, plus more people being willing to adopt rather than go through expensive fertility treatment. (I went through that myself so I'm not judging!)

I'm just showing that there are no easy answers. And the politicians who have most to say about it are often those who are most likely to be against free contraception and sex education in schools, which will lead to more unwanted pregnancies.

There is a woman 3doors down that has 6 children. The three teenagers have been in a variety of brushes with the law, the 8yo smears his own poo on the walls and the two little ones run her ragged. The baby is only 8 months old and his dad has decided he doesn't want to be involved.

She probably fits in to your stereotype OP, however her poor choices in men and desire to have a large family stem from her abusive paedophile father who raped her repeatedly from the age of 8, before beating her mother so badly she never recovered and lady up the road grew up in the care system.

I don't agree with her parenting choices, but I can see that she deserves sympathy and compassion.

I definitely agree with this.

Jesus, it is not poverty which causes child abuse catthief