To hate this thing my mum does?

[Cocklodger]

On the phone (I live overseas) she always does the following.
For example (this is a recent one)

Her: Have you watched game of thrones yet?

Me: no I haven't seen it yet - I've got to buy a Foxtel prescription

Her: oh, I watched it last night.

Me: cool, no spoilers please because I know she always does this

Her: oh it was so good, xy did this and...

Me: please don't mum I haven't seen it yet, I don't want to hear it.

Her: oh I was gonna say what x did to y was horrible...

Ad infinitum. Until I put the phone down. My fuse has gotten shorter recently.
It's not always spoilers sometimes it's a blow by blow encounter from a tv show I've never watched or disliked, which annoys me as I have to hear about such and such characters doing x y and z and something about a gay cage fighter... god knows.
I was very upset the other day as I had some important news to tell her but only 15mins or so spare as I had to take DD to her dads by a certain time. I tried to tell her that but all I got in return was "oh I was gonna say " so I just sort of shut up and waited. Had her on the phone while I sorted everything got dd strapped in and I had to go but then all I got was "why? Is everything alright" my response "yes I must take DD to Ex name house I'll be back at such and such time" then she makes me feel guilty by going "oh... I didn't realise you didn't have time..."

Another thing I've sort of touched on is when she says "I was going to say"
She'll be interrupted by me getting flustered and frustrated, then all she says is "I was going to say "

I love her but god she is so hard to talk to

belligerent - Sometimes, just for the craic, I'll keep talking anyway and it becomes this hilarious battle of wills about which one is going to submit to the other.

Ha ha this really made me laugh! I do this too! Not often, but I last did it a couple of days ago. It feels so rude! But sometimes i think ''keep taking keep talking and see what happens''. I'm crap at it and can only manage about 3 or 4 seconds of barking along at the same time as her before my inner social perfectionist rises to stop the madness So she always wins :(

Do you get the Foxtel prescription on the NHS or private? Asking for a friend.

My mum also did this, would tell me the story line of the soaps, but she did it when I was there too. She'd put Coronation St on and then keep saying, "oh heck, he was out with x but is supposed to be with y"

And them fussing over details, "I went in to town on Friday, or was it Thursday, no Myra came round on Thursday so it must have been Wednesday..." Just tell me what happened

If my mum is on the phone to me and the other phone rings, she will answer the other phone and according to how important she deems that call to be she will explain to the other person she's on the phone to me, or hang up on me. It drives me crazy. I know I should hang up on her, but I can't bring myself to do it. I have asked her not to do this but she doesn't seem to see anything wrong with it.

She talks a lot about people I don't know, but generally I find it fairly interesting so I go along with it, but lately I have become more assertive when she is talking about something REALLY boring or repetitive and I tell her I am not interested, which has improved things somewhat. I know she is interested in my news but you would never think so by our telephone conversations.

She has millions of friends and is always busy, so it's not loneliness, and she's always been like that, so it's not age either.

Recently my whole family did online personality tests for fun (it was quite interesting) and my mum came up as very extroverted indeed - I am very introverted - somehow this helped me to feel more tolerant of the constant chuntering about other people.

It's really hard living at a distance from parents as they age. I feel it is impossible to have a healthy/functioning relationship when all you are hearing is a repetition of slightly obscure events as they experience them. I don't find it easy to make new memories with my mother and it is hard when you also have a young family. You're busy, stressed and then you have a daily one sided conversation coming at you. I find it tiresome. I wish I had more patience.

user1499333856 I see both my parents one day a week every week (they're divorced). It makes no difference: still the same repetitive shiz and not making new memories. I try: dragged DF to a food festival for his birthday recently, he whinged and complained about the cost of everything (I got free tickets, drove us and paid for lunch...) and was pretty much miserable trudging around the stalls refusing to get involved in sampling food and drink unless I practically shoved something into his hand. If some people have quick witted personable older parents they are lucky ha. I take it at face value: it's just how he is. I try to ignore the irritable feelings I often get in their company and concentrate on DD - we can all at least enjoy a 17mo bundle of joy Don't feel bad about not having more patience, you don't have to be a saint

Oh Lord my MIL is of the same tribe except we do it face to face. Endless bitching about some neighbour I don't know, and how their grandfather was a thief too, but their mothers side were 'lovely people'. Rinse & repeat.

It seems like the nicer people are to her, the more vicious she is about them.

It really gets me down, it's relentlessly negative. I do tell her that I hate it, but it seems like a compulsion. If she is particularly wrong, I'll cut her off & say 'I'm not listening to this again, I'll have to leave' and she stares me like I mooned at mass.

MIL once moaned to me for abiyt half an hour about her friend relaying the ins and out of a story about someone MIL didn't know, telling me all of the details too. She went on and on about how inappropriate and boring it was as MIL hasn't even met this friend. Yep, I hadn't met MIL's friend or MIL's friend's friend.
The next time I saw MIL, she started telling me the same story.
God give me strength!

Oh dear, Laiste, that sounds difficult.

99% of the time she cuts me off i'm trying to tell her news about actual family -

This used to drive me crackers about my mother, but it slowly became apparent that she just couldn't hear what we said. The only way she could join in the conversation, was on her own terms. To be fair, she would ask questions, but not seem to listen to the answers. She hide it really, really well, taking leaps of imagination to keep in the conversation.

Now, we know that she can't hear, it all makes sense. I still miss times when she has not heard properly.

Laiste - Sister, I feel your pain. I'm not very good at it either but it's worth pushing through just to hear the confusion/annoyance as she realises that I haven't stopped talking when I "should've".

This is more my dad than my mum, but they both do it. Whenever we're watching a drama together they "play" this game where some actor or other will come on that they recognise and my dad will know where he's seen him/her before but will say "Oh who's that? What else have they been in" and I'll answer "No idea" and he'll say "Oh it's so and so, he/she was in such and such a program". To which I'll say "Oh right, I didn't see it/don't know who they are" and they will both proceed to describe the person/program ad nauseum

Them: "You know, that drama with the cop and he was married to the teacher who was involved in the murder he was investigating?"

Me: "Right, yeah, I didn't watch it".

Them: "He ends up chasing her across the country because she's run off with his best mate?"

Pregnant pause where I'm supposed to say "Oh yeeees, I know who you mean".

Me: "I. Didn't. Watch. It".

Cue them describing the whole plot, except neither of them have any sort of theory of mind so have no idea how to tell a story to someone who has no idea of the plot/characters in the first place, so they'll be telling you about a plot thread involving one character and then switch to a different plot thread with a different character BUT NOT FUCKING MENTION THAT THIS IS A WHOLE OTHER PERSON so I'll be like...
Me: Wait, we'rent they in prison how are they talking to the social worker?! Did they get out?
Them: Nooo, it's so and so, the neighbour of the guy who sent the letter to the school.
Me: who the fuck are you talking about now? Right, you didn't mention that before.
Them: Prattle, prattle, prattle... argue with each other over plot points... gets more confusing, more tedious prattle, prattle, prattle.

It wouldn't be so bad if they were actually coherent in the story telling but it's confusing garbage and all the time I'm missing the plot of the actual FUCKING program I wanted to watch.

Now, if there's something I really want to watch I either go to bed and watch it on the lap top or just wait till I'm alone and see it on catch up.

Idoda- you're welcome, sorry you're in this club. I'm so interested that lots of posters here are expressing a kind of shock that their parents have started exhibiting this behaviour too. I keep thinking 'how lucky you are to not have had some version of this since you were a tiny child!' Of course, I might be making assumptions...

Regarding Parentification (be careful researching it, it'll make you cry and rage), I remember my therapist explaining it for the first time. I understood it intellectually, but I was having trouble getting what behaviour a parent could/would/should do instead? She launched into a little role play where she was the healthy mother, using a situation I had described. Parent states there's a problem in their life. Kid leaps in to solve it/reassure/distract/cheer up parent. Parent says: 'don't worry Skittles, it is an adult issue. I'm an adult, and can/will deal with it. Here's a quick hug, now off you go and finish your homework then a quick play in the park before dinner. It's chicken tonight!'

I burst into tears (happens very rarely). Apparently there are lots of kids who had this, instead of being raised to feel that the full weight of their parents' happiness/sanity/sense of meaning and connection rested on their small shoulders.

Should've seen my eyes narrow recently when I heard mum refer to my 6yo as her 'little best friend'. No mum, she's not your happy-drug supply. Get your own issues sorted, as you should've done 30 years ago. There are loads of adult things little kids don't need to know about, or feel invested in solving.

You can call it loneliness, but i now think of it like being a hole in the sand that they coerce others into trying to fill with water. Can't be filled, not even for a minute. I'm personally going to stop trying. Maybe that's the only way to trigger them to look elsewhere for help (in the right places?).

Phew!

Skittles mourning a lost childhood here too. Sad, won't ever get it back. But I ensure DD has the best one possible as I have the benefit of hindsight and experience! As for the hole in the sand comparison: completely agree. They are emotional vampires and the more you give, the more they'll take. Everyone is responsible for their own happiness and people like this who refuse to take responsibility for it just drag everyone else down into the hole with them. My NM (narcissistic mother) said "we're going to be best friends!" to DD when she was a tiny baby. Chilled me to the bone. Not going to happen though since friendship is a two way thing involving genuine love and affection, which are concepts NM is only aware of superficially. I'm a fan of tough love now: if someone refuses to invest in their own happiness, I'm not going to do it for them! X

Thinking about the childhood thing - my mum has always been manipulative. Slightly changing versions of stories depending on who she was talking to to put a 'spin' on stuff all the time. She'd tell me my dad, or a friend or neighbor has said something which they hadn't all. For eg. something about my weight or behavior or whatever, and she'd rely on no one ever cross referencing IYSWIM? I was an only child and she had a lot of control. A lot of store was always set on what other people will think about everything and then she'd manipulate the truth about what 'aunt so and so' had said. Am i making any sense ?

When she was younger it would work. She was good at it and it was subtle enough to get away with.

As she got older she got gradually more careless and clumsy. She would tell me things people had said which sounded absurd and strangely exactly like something she herself would say and i realised what she was up to and put 2 and 2 together. Once i was an adult she'd even advise me to behave the same way! 'Oh just tell your DH this or that, he doesn't have to know the truth' ect.

Once i had my own DCs she started trying to do it to her granddaughters when she'd been alone with them. Of course my DDs and i tell each other everything so her little games would get caught out straight away. Turned into a bit of a family joke tbh.

DM to me - ''Oh poor GD3 said yesterday that she's fed up with her long hair and wants mummy to cut it off''. It all looks so droopy. Cut it in a nice bob why don't you''.

Me to DM - ''Did she?! i thought she wanted it long''.

DM to me - ''oh no, she said she wants a nice bob''.

Me -

Next day: me to DD - ''Nan says you said yesterday that you want your hair all chopped off, is that right? I'll cut it if you want. A nice bob?!''

DD3 to me - ''NO!? I didn't say that! She said she thinks it's too long and i look like an urchin or something. What's an urchin?''

We'd laugh.

A lot of the way she is now is an elderly watered down forgetful version of her younger self. It's sad. She's still trying to get her own way by manipulating people and it's so ingrained that you can never be sure of what she's telling you. The not listening to me and my news now is just all part and parcel of living completely in her own bubble with her own agenda i feel.

Goodness this is cathartic! What a ramble!

Not a ramble Laiste, the subtle manipulation and gas lighting has such profound consequences, because unlike overtly abusive behaviour, it can go unnoticed even by the one who is being abused.

For so long, I internalised my trauma because I thought there must be something fundamentally wrong with me as I had had a "good" childhood and "good" parents (they are always telling me how lucky I am to have had such good parents as them). It took years for me to properly see my mothers behaviour for what it is. Now it seems so stark and obvious, but back then, when I was immersed in it, not so much.

I don't expect anything more from her now, I know she's not capable of it, but it doesn't stop me from feeling sad that I will never have a loving connection with my mother, at least not on that other people experience.

My mother used to quite often think she'd hung up but hadn't and I'd hear her slagging me off to whoever she was with.

My Mum is very loving but she drives me nuts. She is very angsty and often worried as she is ill.
I think it is common in Mum's to waffle on and not listen to a word tbh. At least i my neck of the woods.

PS. I don't mean you CockLodger ( love the name!) but there is a fashion for remanufacturing subtly irritating parent shit as deeply abusive trauma.Sometimes a pipe is only a pipe.

When I still lived with my parents my dad would say 'oh there was a story on the news today about blah blah' and I would yeah 'oh yes I saw it.' And he would procees to tell me every detail. After every sentence I would say 'yes, I know, I saw it.' And he would say 'did you? And then they saulid that blah blah' ... I got the whole news story over again. He's always been like that - almost like he feels the need to check that I got it and understood the original news story.

My mum always has to set the scene of any story she tells us. DP says it's like Catherine Cookson

My mum does this 'Did you watch X programme'

Me; 'no we don't like it'

Mum: launches into a real time recounting of the episode she's just watched.

MIL blurted out 'That X is a right bitch isn't she? Fancy doing that to Y'

Puzzled faces. She was talking about characters in a soap. Or someone BIL1 (11 years older than DH) went to primary school with.

We'll probably be the same with our DCs

My mil used to do that. She could happily spend an hour just babbling nonsense and gossip about people I didn't know and would never meet; then another 20 minutes doing the goodbye thing. Once in a while I would be lucky and not trying to do something else so I would just read a book while she talked and make noises occasionally.

Sadly, she had a tendency to call at lunchtime when dd was pre-school, and at tea-time when dd was older (and mil was round up to 5 times a week so saw plenty of dd). That was annoying.

Its having noone to talk to.

Sometimes people are like this because they don't have many people to talk to so go crazy when they do get to speak to someone. Alternatively, she just thinks that whar she has to say trumps what you have to say or she just isn't interested in you and your life. Maybe ring her when you're not pressed for time and can listen to the eittering without getting frustrated.

My Mum says goodbye about 20 times before the end of any phone conversation. E.G, I've got to go, bye, bye, see you later, bye bye etc.

Excessive faffiness whenever I take her out so it takes her ages to leave the house. E.G, 'Oh I must just put the washing out', 'oh I just need to nip to the loo', 'better leave some extra food out for the cat' (even if we're only going out for a couple of hours), etc.

Slightly overly concerned about minor issues. E.G, If I tell her that one of my DDs is home from nursery with a cold, it's usually followed by several days worth of messages like 'how is DD today', 'is she all recovered now', 'is she well enough to go to nursery tomorrow'.

I love her to bits, (and we're very close, especially since my Dad dies), but she does drive me a bit crackers sometimes. I do think it is partly to do with loneliness and boredom though, so she's just gotten a bit overly anxious / needy sometimes, which is sad really.

One day when she is gone you will wish to have these conversations !