To hate this thing my mum does?

[Cocklodger]

On the phone (I live overseas) she always does the following.
For example (this is a recent one)

Her: Have you watched game of thrones yet?

Me: no I haven't seen it yet - I've got to buy a Foxtel prescription

Her: oh, I watched it last night.

Me: cool, no spoilers please because I know she always does this

Her: oh it was so good, xy did this and...

Me: please don't mum I haven't seen it yet, I don't want to hear it.

Her: oh I was gonna say what x did to y was horrible...

Ad infinitum. Until I put the phone down. My fuse has gotten shorter recently.
It's not always spoilers sometimes it's a blow by blow encounter from a tv show I've never watched or disliked, which annoys me as I have to hear about such and such characters doing x y and z and something about a gay cage fighter... god knows.
I was very upset the other day as I had some important news to tell her but only 15mins or so spare as I had to take DD to her dads by a certain time. I tried to tell her that but all I got in return was "oh I was gonna say " so I just sort of shut up and waited. Had her on the phone while I sorted everything got dd strapped in and I had to go but then all I got was "why? Is everything alright" my response "yes I must take DD to Ex name house I'll be back at such and such time" then she makes me feel guilty by going "oh... I didn't realise you didn't have time..."

Another thing I've sort of touched on is when she says "I was going to say"
She'll be interrupted by me getting flustered and frustrated, then all she says is "I was going to say "

I love her but god she is so hard to talk to

This is what I get:

Mom: You know who I saw the other day? That woman...hmmm...

(Long pause while I wonder if she'll narrow it down further than half the planet)

She had...two daughters I think...

Me: Yeeesss...

Mom: I think the one was in the year above you...

Me: Okaaayy...

Mom: Or was it the year below? Anyway, her.

The worrying thing is, I usually somehow work out who she means. I must be as barmy as she is.

So glad no-one has said "stop moaning as you'll miss it when they've gone!" It doesn't make it any less annoying at the time. When they die you will miss the person but not the annoyance..

My mum has an awful habit of listing everything she's done since we last spoke.

Me hi it's me mum, how are you?

Mum I'm fine, what've you been up to?

Me not much, usual work stuff and Ds just learnt how to do such and such ( 20second catch up conversation)
Silence

Me what about you?

Mum well I went to Pilates on Monday and choir on Tuesday we're doing this song ( names long complicated classical music piece, usually in Latin). Do you know it?

Me no

Mum oh it goes like this dum di dum di dum, any way then I went to the market and bought sausages. They do very nice sausages. Then Ds visited, she visited last week too. And then I went to my cycling club and I ran for 5 km which was quite tiring and now I'm going back to choir. Did I tell you I saw a robin in the garden.

Me yes you told me that before, is it the same one?

Mum oh yes I know it very well and it likes me now as I feed it cheese anyway that's about all I've been doing. (Continues talk like this for around 20minutes). Anyway what have you been doing?

Me oh you know not much.....

Awkward silence

Arghhh! Every flipping time we speak. I feel like she's expecting a round of applause or a mark out of 10 held up on a little placard.

You can't really Build a relationship with someone with just a list of their activities can you? But she will not expand on any other subject.

I think I'm just terrible at phone conversations, to me they should be purely functional. What's the solution?

Ho hum

Hufflepug oh I see ha. Well, you know what they say- it's all projection

Idoda- Your dd and my dm sound like they came down the same factory conveyor belt. I also feel dm has been leaning on me all my life, rather than develop her own assertiveness. As a kid I remember thinking 'I'll help her cause it's so easy to solve her problem, can't believe I'm so clever as to be able to do this better than a grown up'.

Now I know it has a name: parentification. It's not pretty, and it fucks kids up.

I guess I'd keep doing it for her (I've made a career out of it, it comes so naturally now) but she seems to ask me for help, witter on endlessly about how martyred she is, then turn on me when I suggest help (or even if I carefully question her more deeply to get to the nub of the problem). I reckon she just really wants to unload to someone (anyone) for 2-3 hours everyday, be told she's an angel in a terrible unjust universe, and then end the call without having had to deal with any of that messy annoying stuff that involves caring about what anyone else's day held.

Sorry, but the deal's off. EVERYONE deserves a kindly ear, actually needs it now and again for mental health. There are only so many hours in a day, you don't just get to take all of today's time and assume tomorrow's all yours by right.

Once I discovered what it's like to have real and healthy responsibility for another human's wellbeing (my baby), those unhealthy relationships went under the knife.

Last time dm slammed the phone down on me, I broke my pattern of giving her a couple days then contacting as though it hadn't happened. I've now had a full month off her endless moaning and I'm a new woman. Don't know what's coming next for her and I, but change is def in the wind.

Big Girl and Big Boy pants are readily available, pull some on and learn about two-way adult communication, I say. Or admit that your loneliness is of your own making.

@cocklodger off topic, but... I've signed duo to foxtel go/now (I forget which), new email address for the 2 weeks free trial, then it'll be $15 for the pop pack. That gets all GoT (including catch up s1-6!) for $15. And to justify it... Less than I'd spend on a movie.

*signed up to. Bloody autocorrect!!

I think the $15 Foxtel package is on now.
I think.
I have that one as well (I didn't when the conversation took place obviously!) but it is more expensive than Stan and Netflix and the only decent thing they have on there that isn't anywhere else is GoT... sigh. Guess we have to deal with it though

Yep yep. Have Netflix and Stan as standard, but have bitten the bullet and paid the Foxtel-fine for this. Was so hoping that Stan would get it, sure I remember talk about it last year. Anyway, sorry for derail!

The thing is, i wouldn't mind (so much) all the long intricate stories about the postman's sister's cat's vet's brother's next door neighbor's sister and her bloody bunion operation ect (i mean WTF?? What age does this gathering of trivial about strangers lives kick in?) IF she would listen to me for more than 5 seconds without cutting me off with her stock phrase ''Oh Never Mind'' before launching into another of her random tales.

What's more annoying is that 99% of the time she cuts me off i'm trying to tell her news about actual family - you know - people we both actually know and are meant to care about. Mainly from DHs side. So to be fair i know that's why she doesn't give a damn. She makes no effort to hide her disinterest in them. It's a shame because they ask after her and are lovely people.

What's it all about?

My mum does this but especially if it's a story I find upsetting?! Like there'll be a tragic story on the news about a baby dying due to abuse or something equally horrendous and I'm very sensitive to these types of stories - I'm not usually such a sop but since I've have had children myself and I'm currently pregnant I get weepy and upset over these things, which she KNOWS. So when she starts trying to discuss the case, I'll politely tell her "I know, I heard, it's so awful I really don't want to talk about it I find it too upsetting". She'll plough on with the gory details and I'll repeat "please mum, I really don't want to talk about it" and onwards she goes until I end up getting frustrated and get snappy or raise my voice and tell her to "STOP TALKING ABOUT IT". She'll (finally) stop talking then, but only to look shocked and wounded/upset that I'm mad at her??! Then I'll feel guilty...ughhhh.... Why do they do this?

Meal My Mum does that!! Wtf is it about!?

She'll say "Oh terrible about the killing of X isn't it??" and I;ll say "Oh I don't watch the news or read those stories...they're too awful" and she carries on like your Mum!

What IS that?? Anyone who knows...please come and tell us!

Mrs I'm not the only one then?!

I've even asked her "why do you do that when you know it upsets me?" but she never gave me a straight answer and just continues sulking with me as if I'm being terribly unreasonable - drives me bonkers! The thing is she's actually a very nice woman and usually hates to see her children upset over anything no matter how trivial, but it's as though she can't help herself in these instances and feels a desperate need to keep prattling on about a horrible topic - so weird?

This all sounds distinctly familiar. My mum is just not very interested in anybody else but her and has no guilt in just shutting down/talking over the top of people when the convo is not on her or her topics (her garden or, if you're really unlucky, her health). She does this annoying thing where she'll ask a question and then either answer it herself or shut it down within a second or two e.g.

Mum: How has your week been.
Me: Good. DS1 had his parents evening this week on Thursday.
Mum: Oh right, how did that go? Great I'm sure he always does well at school doesn't he? Oh that's good, did I tell you about how well my raspberry canes are doing?...

Me: Yes, three hundred times but don't let that stop you, Mother.

If I do manage to preempt her answering her own question, then she has no shame about just talking over me mid sentence and if I call her on it, she'll just act all aggrieved and say that she didn't realise I hadn't finished. Sometimes, just for the craic, I'll keep talking anyway and it becomes this hilarious battle of wills about which one is going to submit to the other. I have no expectation that this will change her conversation or lack of style but it often prompts her to get off the phone quicker which is always a boon.

My mum has a very small world, hardly goes out, doesn't have any friends to speak of, nobody to talk to except for my dad, so I think part of it is to do with loneliness and lack of connection but another hefty chunk of it is raging narcissism and a tendency to parentify me. I have found it easier of late to limit contact and accept that she is incapable of an intimate two-way relationship, which has been freeing to some extent.

Wow, this is obviously a thing! thought my mum was the only one.
Always repeats same stories, she goes on at my 2 DC too when she's babysat them.

My ma does the opposite. She'll ring quite often, tell me what she's had for tea and then go "...I haven't really got anything else to say". WHY DID YOU RING THEN?!

If you don't want a diatribe, you have to Deny Deny Deny.

Mother: ''Did you watch X programme last night''?
Me: ''No''
Result? End of Discussion. No strong opinions/views/lectures/plot spoilers.

It works with everything.

Even if you have watched the programme, never admit to it.

Mum's eh? 😀
You have to put up with it cos you love em!

I feel a bit sorry, and wonder if it's because they don't have many people who listen to them? x

My mum is great to chat to. I feel that she's not waiting for me to call and has loads going on in her life so I don't feel any guilt that she might be lonely.

All of her children call her every day for a quick chat and she sees her best friend every day as well.

She often can't talk as she's got friends round or her and my dad are going out etc. I prefer it that way as I'm not worried about her being lonely.

my mum always tells me the current plot in eastenders even though I have not watched it for 20 years ..... i will keep repeating '' nope , i don't watch it '' until she stops ( takes between 3 and 5 attempts)
my MIL is even more annoying by telling me the private life of someone she used to work with and stays in touch by text - WHOM I HAVE NEVER MET - and reads the texts out back and forth between them. I lose the will to live . she always does it when DP is out of the room because he loses his rag with her when she does it haha

My stepmother was a nurse. Absolutely no holds barred in dinner conversation, pus, faeces, you name it. When politely asked to change the subject she says oh sorry! But I was just going to say... And then says it anyway. Then says oh sorry! Then again, and again.

It's just rude. I hate it.

This week I have had the tale of the neighbour who has had their eye removed

And can't have a false one as they don't have the socket either

Luckily for everyone concerned I hsve no idea who this neighbour is

Skittles thanks for educating me that this is an actual 'thing' with a name! It definitely did fuck me up, for a long time. As a parent it's your responsibility to be strong and actually be the parent, not lean on your kids and let them do the hard work. I admire your new attitude

My mum is great to chat to. My grandma on the other hand is this exactly. Thinks of 57 things she absolutely MUST tell you after you've just said you're about to head out. Also the ghoulish rehashing of tragic news stories with so much relish (MIL does this too). It's creepy.