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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? Feel uncomfortable about Hen Do...

109 replies

JustKeepDancing · 30/07/2017 16:09

Hi all

I could do with some second opinions...

So, I'm on my way home from a hen do which I've been on this weekend. The "activity" for the Saturday afternoon was for a male Butler In The Buff to come to the apartment we were staying in, serve us lunch and lots of alcohol, and to play "sexy" games (e.g pin the tail on the donkey but with stickers of penises on his body, quizzes where the "loser" had to take a shot from between his bum cheeks with no hands, and various things which involved being blindfolded and touching this guy).

As soon as the guy turned up I felt really uncomfortable - not so much about seeing someone naked (because of my job I'm very used to bodies) - more the double standards. That sort of activity is not "fun" or "sexy" to me - I don't enjoy the double entendre, and I'm not a big drinker - and the peer pressure to take part was really uncomfortable. I tried to say no to taking part in a game and had ten people shouting at me. There were a couple of us who were obviously not sure about it, or who were uncomfortable, judging by reactions and facial expressions. I talked about it afterwards with one of the other women who pointed out she'd be really upset if her husband went to a strip club, or objectified a woman's body - so why was it ok for us to? And to be honest I completely agree with her. I feel like the situation was really hypocritical. I'm also really frustrated that we weren't told in advance, and I felt "stuck" in the situation, and now there's photos of it all over social media.

So I suppose my AIBU and WWYDs :
AIBU to think it was hypocritical and to be uncomfortable that there wasn't an option for us to go and sit somewhere else or to exclude ourselves from that?
WWYD in that situation? I'm frustrated with myself for allowing myself to be in an environment I felt so uncomfortable with but I didn't know how to react.

Thank you Smile

OP posts:
nina2b · 30/07/2017 16:11

Sounds absolutely horrendous and embarrassing. Yuck.

YANBU

Jessiecat27 · 30/07/2017 16:11

I would of been the same! I don't like hen/stag dos for this reason! It makes me feel uncomfortable even when I was single I didn't enjoy it!

WashingMatilda · 30/07/2017 16:11

Sounds bloody horrific

AnyFucker · 30/07/2017 16:11

Were you not aware this would be happening ?

PurpleDaisies · 30/07/2017 16:12

Did you know in advance that this was part of the hen do?

LindyHemming · 30/07/2017 16:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

YorksMa · 30/07/2017 16:15

You are definitely NOT BU. Sounds horrendous and I totally agree that many women would not like their OH's attending an equivalent event. For one thing, de-tag yourself on any social media posts and get them taken down if you can (blame work, say you'll get in trouble if anyone sees them), but definitely de-tag if nothing else.
Sounds like awful behaviour on behalf of the bride/hen organiser. I'd be hopping mad.

shoofly · 30/07/2017 16:15

No idea what you should've done, but I'm cringing at the thought of it. I would loathe that and want to be nowhere near it.

There was a thread on Twitter recently where a young gay man was repeatedly groped by a drunk woman on the tube. He was extremely upset, was roundly abused by her friends for being upset and told it was just a bit of fun, and he should find it flattering. Angry Struck me as a hateful double standard as well.

specialsubject · 30/07/2017 16:15

Yuk. With no warning, double yuk. You should have walked, if you had anywhere to go. The drunken harpies who were bullying you are no loss.

I hope you aren't the bride!!!!

VladmirsPoutine · 30/07/2017 16:16

I don't think there's any need to tie yourself in knots regarding double standards, objectivity of bodies and so forth.

What you describe sounds crass, tasteless and embarrassing for all involved.

DancesWithOtters · 30/07/2017 16:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MeanAger · 30/07/2017 16:16

I'm also really frustrated that we weren't told in advance,

Don't think she knew in advance.

I would feel exactly the same as you did OP. That's the kind of thing you tell people upfront so they can decide if they want to attend or not.

Neverwantedthis · 30/07/2017 16:16

It is a bit late now. The only thing you can do now is check your privacy settings on social media so that you have to give authority for anything to be posted to your page to stop any of the pics I suppose.

DoingTheBestICan · 30/07/2017 16:17

I would have hated every second of this and I completely agree with you re the double standards.

Yuck, I despise things like this were some twat thinks it's funny so therefore everyone else must as well.

In fact I think I would have walked out, I would have expected my dh to have done the same if the tables were turned.

YANBU op

tallfox · 30/07/2017 16:17

Well we would all like a man who had the strength of character to say "Not for me" and mean it. No bowing to peer pressure.

Same for women really.

whiskeyinthejar · 30/07/2017 16:17

OP has already said "I'm also really frustrated that we weren't told in advance" in which case YANBU. I think it's unfair for the organisers to not let you know in advance.

user1487175389 · 30/07/2017 16:17

You're a grownup so why give into peer pressure?

Sounds yukky and exploitative btw

RaspberryOverloadsOnRainyDays · 30/07/2017 16:17

I'm also really frustrated that we weren't told in advance,

OP didn't know about it ahead of time.

I also would have felt uncomfortable, and would have walked out. There really is a double standard going on, as if this were a stag do, and the hired person was a female, people would be disgusted. But this way round and people act like it's just harmless fun.

EarlessToothlessVagabond · 30/07/2017 16:20

I went to a hen do years ago that involved this kind of shenanigans- it was fucking horrendous.

2 of the 'hens' then went on to give the stripper a BJ in the car park.

Whole thing was a nightmare and before the days of FB thank God.

tangledup123 · 30/07/2017 16:20

YANBU, it sounds awful and demeaning. Although it won't be long until someone says it's fine because of our 'patriarchal society' and 'female oppression' and some other bollocks.

Original poster
JustKeepDancing · 30/07/2017 16:25

I didn't know about it in advance - if I had, I wouldn't have gone to be honest. It was billed as "lunch, cocktails and getting to know each other with a few games" before a night out and some other bits today.

Glad to know I'm not BU. I think the "moralising" thing comes from feeling a bit hypocritical, and also from trying to work out how I'll handle this sort of situation next time so I don't feel so uncomfortable (I suspect there will be a next time, I have hit the age where everyone is getting married).
I really wish I'd been brave enough to walk out but my only friend there, the bride, seemed to be enjoying herself and I didn't want to upset her. Also, we were in a city I don't know, so I didn't really know where to go "to". Really odd situation to have found myself in!

Good advice about the social media - thanks all.

OP posts:
seven201 · 30/07/2017 16:26

I've been to 3 hen do's with a butler in the buff. It was great fun and wasn't sexy, more funny/silly. I wouldn't have minded if my dh had a topless waitress or whatever at his stag do. But... I do think you should have been warned.

iismum · 30/07/2017 16:28

YANBU to hate this - it sounds horrid.

You may be being unreasonable about double standards. If those women who were enthusiastically participating would be horrified at the objectification of women then they would be hypocritical, but I'd be surprised if they would be. It's only hypocritical if the same people think its exploitative with women and totally cool with men - if some people are ok with it either way and some people think it's awful either way, there's no hypocrisy.

Same with the tube example - that is completely unacceptable but not evidence of hypocrisy. That sort of thing happens to women all the time and lots of people (women as well as men) are of the view that is just a bit of fun. It's not, either way - though it's probably more intimidating for a women as the liklihood of it leading to sexual assault is much higher.

SummerMummy88 · 30/07/2017 16:29

I'd have walked out, sounds utterly horrendous, why didn't you walk out if you and some of the other ladies were uncomfortable with the situation? It's a bit late to worry about social media now.

Meowstro · 30/07/2017 16:30

Yes, it is double standards and totally yucky, I demanded a stripper be off the list when my MOH was about to book one and one of my friends told me as they knew how uncomfortable it would make me. No, I have no problem with the naked body, I just don't like to be forced into situations like that. Key word being 'forced', it's almost an offence to put someone in a sexualised situation they don't want to be in.

I don't know what you could have done in that situation as the bride would have no doubt been pissy about it, especially if drunk but I feel like she should have understood and told everyone to back off.

It's just really shitty tbh.

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