AIBU? Feel uncomfortable about Hen Do...

[JustKeepDancing]

Hi all

I could do with some second opinions...

So, I'm on my way home from a hen do which I've been on this weekend. The "activity" for the Saturday afternoon was for a male Butler In The Buff to come to the apartment we were staying in, serve us lunch and lots of alcohol, and to play "sexy" games (e.g pin the tail on the donkey but with stickers of penises on his body, quizzes where the "loser" had to take a shot from between his bum cheeks with no hands, and various things which involved being blindfolded and touching this guy).

As soon as the guy turned up I felt really uncomfortable - not so much about seeing someone naked (because of my job I'm very used to bodies) - more the double standards. That sort of activity is not "fun" or "sexy" to me - I don't enjoy the double entendre, and I'm not a big drinker - and the peer pressure to take part was really uncomfortable. I tried to say no to taking part in a game and had ten people shouting at me. There were a couple of us who were obviously not sure about it, or who were uncomfortable, judging by reactions and facial expressions. I talked about it afterwards with one of the other women who pointed out she'd be really upset if her husband went to a strip club, or objectified a woman's body - so why was it ok for us to? And to be honest I completely agree with her. I feel like the situation was really hypocritical. I'm also really frustrated that we weren't told in advance, and I felt "stuck" in the situation, and now there's photos of it all over social media.

So I suppose my AIBU and WWYDs :
AIBU to think it was hypocritical and to be uncomfortable that there wasn't an option for us to go and sit somewhere else or to exclude ourselves from that?
WWYD in that situation? I'm frustrated with myself for allowing myself to be in an environment I felt so uncomfortable with but I didn't know how to react.

Thank you

Grimmer than a really grim thing in Grimsby. I think I’d have pretended to be really, really drunk and then passed out

Sounds awful.

I think I'd have hidden in the bathroom all night, if I hadn't been brave enough to walk out into a foreign city all by myself.

One really should have an escape plan ready when going on a hen do, it seems.

As for the double standards, well, I don't think it is exactly the same, as we still live in a patriarchy, with all that implies.

I do think, however, that the women who do this may not actually enjoy it (for the sake of it), but be doing it in an attempt to make things "equal". If you oppose men hiring female strippers for stag dos, you are an evil feminist. But even if you want to be a fun girl, you still see that there's a difference between what your male friends do, and what you do, and on some level realize there's a problem with it.
So, the solution that makes you look cool is to imitate your male friends. No difference anymore, it all looks equal. And on some level, you feel cool and empowered doing it.

I do not believe that the butlers let you do shots out their bums, if they are proper butlers the buff not just local strippers

Um, a proper butler wouldn't walk around naked. Obviously.

All those claims that some subgroup of prostitutes "don't do" this or that are anecdotal at best. (And it is incredibly naive to think that men wouldn't touch a female stripper, just for example.)
There are no enforced rules about this. The only case where you can make a statement is if you know the individual stripper. And perhaps not even then, as people don't always behave the same; the stripper urgently needing money could already change things.

OP is single, Hudson.

Personally I wouldn't have a problem with DP saying something like that as I wouldn't have any doubts that he actually wanted to take part. Did the OP on that thread have any doubts? Just wondering why she posted.

I don't understand the whole peer pressure thing. Aren't we grown adults, not children at school? You feel uncomfortable, you leave. If you know your OH wouldn't like it, you don't do it. End of, male or female.

People act differently in groups. There is an experiment where people smell and later see smoke and the larger the group the longer they take to raise the alarm as they are more unsure of how to act.

In this case 10 people were shouting at the OP iirc.

I don't understand the whole peer pressure thing. Aren't we grown adults, not children at school?

I've never understood it, either, but as everyone else is constantly bowing to peer pressure for the silliest things, I figure I am just resistant to it for some reason.

I do get strategically deciding to go along with shit because you don't have your own car and are depending on the goodwill of someone else to get home without having to hike to a train station and paying tons of money, as well as waiting for the next train.

The ten people who shouted at OP may not have been very willing to let her wait in a nice café and phone her when the guy was gone.

It is less dangerous for men to walk home alone at night, so there's a difference in how I would judge that.

Nah I don't like it at all.
I wouldn't have played.

I've been to hen dos with butlers in the buff before but I've never seen them interact with guests in the way you describe.

The ones I've been to you definitely don't see their genitals and you don't touch them in any way. They act as waiters and we chatted to them about their job, life outside their job, etc.

TBH I've never had an issue with that...I do have an issue with strippers (male or female) and I would have an issue with any touching or games like you describe.

My hen is in September and I wouldn't be surprised if there was a butler in the buff arranged however I did specify absolutely no strippers and no stupid tacky outfits (L plates, plastic penises, etc).

A lot of hen dos have the occasional 'silly' usually very boring game thrown in with a penis theme and I do think it's a bit stubborn not to join in but I'd be totally with you if any involved another human (shots from arse cheeks? Yuck)

Sounds gross! I love double entendres between our group of friends, etc but I'd feel v uncomfortable doing that.