AIBU? Feel uncomfortable about Hen Do...

[JustKeepDancing]

Hi all

I could do with some second opinions...

So, I'm on my way home from a hen do which I've been on this weekend. The "activity" for the Saturday afternoon was for a male Butler In The Buff to come to the apartment we were staying in, serve us lunch and lots of alcohol, and to play "sexy" games (e.g pin the tail on the donkey but with stickers of penises on his body, quizzes where the "loser" had to take a shot from between his bum cheeks with no hands, and various things which involved being blindfolded and touching this guy).

As soon as the guy turned up I felt really uncomfortable - not so much about seeing someone naked (because of my job I'm very used to bodies) - more the double standards. That sort of activity is not "fun" or "sexy" to me - I don't enjoy the double entendre, and I'm not a big drinker - and the peer pressure to take part was really uncomfortable. I tried to say no to taking part in a game and had ten people shouting at me. There were a couple of us who were obviously not sure about it, or who were uncomfortable, judging by reactions and facial expressions. I talked about it afterwards with one of the other women who pointed out she'd be really upset if her husband went to a strip club, or objectified a woman's body - so why was it ok for us to? And to be honest I completely agree with her. I feel like the situation was really hypocritical. I'm also really frustrated that we weren't told in advance, and I felt "stuck" in the situation, and now there's photos of it all over social media.

So I suppose my AIBU and WWYDs :
AIBU to think it was hypocritical and to be uncomfortable that there wasn't an option for us to go and sit somewhere else or to exclude ourselves from that?
WWYD in that situation? I'm frustrated with myself for allowing myself to be in an environment I felt so uncomfortable with but I didn't know how to react.

Thank you

I wouldn't have liked that at all. All the willy themed hen do things aren't up my street at all. Neither is the enforced drinking. I once had 'friend' try to imply that my not drinking would 'ruin her fun'. I really fail to see how. I'd of gone home.

YANBU. I thought that 'sort of thing' went out in the 90's.

Yanbu. I'd hate anything like that. For all the reasons you've mentioned and the fact I just wouldn't want to be messing about with a naked stranger (male or female)!

I didnt go to hen do earlier this year, because i suspected they would book a stripper. The brides sister said i was being ridiculous, when i said i wasnt sure the bride would be happy. The bride was actually really upset by the end of it. He was trying to get her to lick cream off his dick.

I think she would have been ok if he hadnt have done things like that.

Also been to one of these things with naked butlers. I refused to partake and took myself off. A few joined me and were grateful someone made the first move.

I would not be happy if dh was playing pin the vagina on a naked woman or doing shots of her arse. I find the whole thing awful. Wether its men or women.

God how unutterably tacky 🙄

What a nightmare. From the butler to the coercion. I'd walk out now, but I know I would not have had the bottle when I was younger.
But op there are lots of people who hate this sort of thing, so pick your friends. I've had work colleagues who tried to persuade me to see the dream boys ( the thought of all those baying women , I just couldn't). But in my friendship group no one I know would be up for that. Let yourself be picky about who you hang out with. Nothing wrong with being discerning.

I would have left, even if I wasn't married. And even if I had to go to another place to get away from it, like a hotel lobby or something. It sounds pretty raunchy.

I would have expected my DH to leave if something similar occurred at a stag do and I don't believe in a double standard.

This sounds really cringeworthy and I would either not have gone, or walked out.

YANBU It's grim. I always find the women who enjoy these butlers in the buffs and the ones who go mad if their husbands go to a strip club. And to be honest I think the butlers in the buff are worse? I don't think you see actual genitals in a strip club?

So OP. Why did you carry on if you felt it was wrong? Because, IMO , it isn't easy to to be the only person in a crowd that says no.

I think I've written about this here before, so forgive me if I bang on about it a bit.

Years ago I was leaving a job. It was the 1980s and it was relatively common for people to hire a strippergram for leaving dos.

I was sexually abused as a child and teen, and hated them. I hadn't told anyone about the abuse, but I did tell everyone in my department that I did not want a strippergram, I would hate it, I would be very hurt and upset if they ordered one, and if that was what they were planning for my leaving do I didn't want a leaving do.

They promised me there wouldn't be a strippergram. Then of course, an hour into the party up turned this big fat bloke dressed like a wrestler. He manhandled me into a chair and did his thing.

I was frozen. I just couldn't move. And I was terrified. It only lasted about ten minutes, I'm told, but it felt like hours for me. After it was over I couldn't move. I couldn't speak. I had flashbacks to it for years. Just typing this now is making me get hot and sweaty and I can feel my anxiety rising.

So nope, if I'd been in the OP's situation I wouldn't have been able to leave and I would have not only hated it at the time, I would have suffered because of that sleazy, exploitative, horrible "fun" for years after.

And that is why it's not fun to spring things like this onto people, or to think it's a fun surprise. It's vile. It's horrible. If you want to do it then that's up to you but make sure everyone involved knows well in advance what is going to happen, and do not pressure people to join in, even if they're smiling and not objecting.

OP, if I were you I wouldn't go to the wedding. I'd just cut them all loose. It was an awful thing for them to do.

Eugh, I would have felt just like you, OP.

Perhaps even worse, this happened to a friend of mine at her own hen do. She's really not into things like that and felt really uncomfortable as she'd booked a cottage and dinner at a nice restaurant for them all and it was just sprung on her.

This has happened to DP. a few times and he's always excused himself, but he isn't as bothered about offending people as I am.

I've never heard anyone say that objectifying men is ok in a patriarchal society.

Awful. My worst nightmare. I wouldn't have stayed. Shots out of a stripper's arse cheeks? I'm shuddering at the thought.

If my DP did this, I'd hit the roof. I extend the same courtesy to our relationship. But also, even if I was single this would make me want to cry.

I'd have been the same.

That kind of activity should always be about choice as much as it's choice whether you allow someone to touch you or not.

I'm sorry you've been left so uncomfortable

I wouldn't like this sort of thing, so I'd have left.
Have done so before more than once!

I think this is only ok, if the bride and hen party knows in advance of what is happening, and those not comfortable with it, can can pull out beforehand.

Thanks again all. It's interesting - pretty much everyone who has replied has said they'd feel uncomfortable too, aside from a couple of posters. I wonder if people who have enjoyed similar hen do type events have felt unable to comment? Or if there's just a very small number of people who would enjoy it!

Whathaveilost
You speak a lot of sense.
If this was reversed everyone would be saying the man on a stag do was spineless and the woman should leave him because it's degrading and a deal breaker.

As you've said, in those types of situations it can be difficult to be the only one to raise your head without feeling you're spoiling the day so I get it.

I don't like strippers or lap dances for men or women. I could just about get away with top less/semi naked butlers or waitresses if it's more silly than erotic or sexy.

OP Talk to your partner about it, then if there are future events ask for a full event plan and put feelers out to see if anyone else is equally awkward. Maybe have a joint battle plan in future.

I think that's revolting and tacky.

I have left immediately. Either to go out or to sit in one of the bedrooms with a glass of wine and an iPad.... I wouldn't have been huffy or 'judgey' . I'd just explain it wasn't my type of thing and ask someone to text me when it's done. My friends would respect my wishes.

Oh I hate this sort of thing with a vengeance. I've been invited to a few hen do's over the years but I've refused to go,purely because of the this sort of 'entertainment'. I'm certainly not a prude,but I would feel highly uncomfortable with a man that I didn't know from Adam parading around naked,and being expected to participate in 'fun and games'. My idea of hell tbh. Not helped by other members of the hen party shouting and screaming and calling you a coward if you refuse/are reluctant to join in. Awful double standards too. Can you imagine the reaction if it was a stag party and it was a woman doing the 'entertaining'?

I think some groups are a lot more easy going about people sitting out of things like this, and it's not hard to just say 'not for me'. Other groups can be overbearing and it sounds like yours was like this, OP.

If my DP came home and said he'd felt too awkward to leave and similar things had gone on then I wouldn't be angry - I can completely understand the pressure to go along with it all. But I wouldn't be with him if he enjoyed going to strip clubs, and I doubt he'd be with me if I liked it either.

What is not acceptable, is the reaction of some of the hen party, fir ing people to take part when obviously uncomfortable, that is not on!

YANBU.
And WWID:in a similar situation with a work group who were on a night out went to a strip club.i went with another member of the team who felt uncomfortable/didn't like it.we went for very civilised drink in a quiet pub,then got some KFC,and joined up with the group after they'd finished and we went on to the next destination all together.

I am single, of the 12 of us, only two of us (that I know of) are. If I had a partner, I probably would have texted them - and I hope they would have given me the confidence to go sit in the other room or something (I can certainly imagine my ex would have offered to lend me money for a flight home!) Your messages have definitely had that effect. So thanks all.

OnTheRise - I'm so sorry your colleagues did that. What utter arseholes. I think you're right that some people freeze in situations they are uncomfortable in, for whatever reason. I want to stay friendly with the bride, but I'm certainly not going to make an effort with the others.

I can understand exactly where you are coming from and you ANBU. You end up in an awkward position.

Some years ago, as a new employee, I went on a lads weekend away to Barcelona. Thought it'd be good to meet my new colleagues, it seemed ok as the deputy head was also going. (Yes, it was a teachers' trip)

I thought it would just be drinking etc. It was until the 'leader' announced that he'd negotiated a good price for us to visit a sexclub. Not 100% happy or comfortable about this, especially as the 'show' proceeded.

I couldn't leave as I was unsure as to where we were staying/the route back. Stayed towards the back nursing my, expensive, half and chatted to others who I suspect were equally unhappy about it all. Never been out on a trip with him again, I've always needed to iron my shoelaces.

Years ago we booked a male stripper for a friend's 18th birthday. He turned up, aged about 40, and did a little dance involving a can of squirty cream. She burst into tears. Never again.