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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? Feel uncomfortable about Hen Do...

109 replies

JustKeepDancing · 30/07/2017 16:09

Hi all

I could do with some second opinions...

So, I'm on my way home from a hen do which I've been on this weekend. The "activity" for the Saturday afternoon was for a male Butler In The Buff to come to the apartment we were staying in, serve us lunch and lots of alcohol, and to play "sexy" games (e.g pin the tail on the donkey but with stickers of penises on his body, quizzes where the "loser" had to take a shot from between his bum cheeks with no hands, and various things which involved being blindfolded and touching this guy).

As soon as the guy turned up I felt really uncomfortable - not so much about seeing someone naked (because of my job I'm very used to bodies) - more the double standards. That sort of activity is not "fun" or "sexy" to me - I don't enjoy the double entendre, and I'm not a big drinker - and the peer pressure to take part was really uncomfortable. I tried to say no to taking part in a game and had ten people shouting at me. There were a couple of us who were obviously not sure about it, or who were uncomfortable, judging by reactions and facial expressions. I talked about it afterwards with one of the other women who pointed out she'd be really upset if her husband went to a strip club, or objectified a woman's body - so why was it ok for us to? And to be honest I completely agree with her. I feel like the situation was really hypocritical. I'm also really frustrated that we weren't told in advance, and I felt "stuck" in the situation, and now there's photos of it all over social media.

So I suppose my AIBU and WWYDs :
AIBU to think it was hypocritical and to be uncomfortable that there wasn't an option for us to go and sit somewhere else or to exclude ourselves from that?
WWYD in that situation? I'm frustrated with myself for allowing myself to be in an environment I felt so uncomfortable with but I didn't know how to react.

Thank you Smile

OP posts:
lalalalyra · 30/07/2017 16:30

I have a friend who is not talking to me because I wouldn't take part in a stupid game on her hen do so you have my complete sympathy.

If a man had taken a shot from between a strippers bum cheeks many (most?) wives/girlfriends would be livid. There's so much hypocrisy in some of the activities.

I've been to a couple of hen dos with the butler in the buff set up, but there was no way anyone was touching them. It was a strip club equivilant I suppose. Not my cup of tea, but not hideous.

Shot glasses between his bum cheeks? Hideous.

LeakyLittleBoat · 30/07/2017 16:31

YANBU these things are sordid and degrading be this an all male or all female stripper party. And for those saying you should have walked, well, from behind the safety of a monitor, peer pressure and bullying is not an issue is it? I can think of many occasions when 'I should have walked' but at the time was not assertive or sure enough of myself or too much of a people pleaser or scared of being a party-pooper and allowed myself to be intimidated into staying. Sorry this happened to you OP, I'd definitely unsubscribe or untag myself or whatever it is you do on mobile apps where pics might appear and then try and put it behind you.

AnyFucker · 30/07/2017 16:32

Sorry, I missed that you weren't prewarned

I hate the sex industry in any form and this is just as grim as anything

BasedOnTrueEvents · 30/07/2017 16:32

It sounds grim.

Objectifying anyone is not ok. I couldn't have participated. I'd have left I think.

Cakesprinkles · 30/07/2017 16:34

I went to a hen do with a butler in the buff. I was driving so exceptionally sober and also about 5 years older than the bride and the majority of the other hens. I found the whole thing really sordid tbh. I also know that the bride would have had an absolute shit fit if the stag do had had strippers so the double standards didn't sit comfortably with me. I ended up chatting to the butler in the kitchen about his postgrad plans and his degree and not joining in the games.

Wonderflonium · 30/07/2017 16:34

You weren't being unreasonable. I would have yelled back at the 10 people yelling at me, and ended those friendships there and then. But I can appreciate that's easier said than done especially when put on the spot. I'm sorry you had a shit time.

Moanyoldcow · 30/07/2017 16:34

That sounds utterly vile. I don't know what's wrong with some people. I'd have probably walked out but understand why you felt pressured to join in.

FWIW, I've been to a million hen nights and none involved naked men - spas, salsa, dancing, bowling, karaoke etc. Quite possibly we're the lamest group of women in the world but I'm ok with that.

Moanyoldcow · 30/07/2017 16:35

Sorry, my point was that even if lots more of your friends get married they might have more class than to have all that vile nonsense.

Cakesprinkles · 30/07/2017 16:38

Oh and on another hen do a lady I didn't know screamed at me in front of 20 other people saying I was 'ruining the brides hen do' because I made a cup of tea and offered her one. We should have been drinking constantly for 48hours apparently and having a cup of tea at 4pm wasn't permitted. I wasn't drinking as was on massive antidepressants for PND, which she knew. Sometimes people are total arse holes on hen dos.

BeepBeepMOVE · 30/07/2017 16:38

I've been to hen dos with naked butlers but no one has ever been forced to participated. The guys have always been great but then maybe we are a very tame group- certainly no one offered to give them a BJ or anything of the sort!

I think the biggest difference is that at a hen do it is just silly, everyone is giggling but with stags they are actually trying to get turned on.

Difference of silly Vs sexy?

dudsville · 30/07/2017 16:40

I went to a hen do about 17 years ago. A stripper arrived. There were only about 8 of us there. It was hideous. I waited outside. Luckily there was no peer pressure or I was oblivious to it. I went to another event about 15 years ago where a stripper arrived as a "gift". The surprised lucky gal cried in her embarrassment. We were a mixed group and my husband thought it might make me feel sexy. He's now my ex. No one I know has done anything like that since and I'm glad.

Maryz · 30/07/2017 16:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Maryz · 30/07/2017 16:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RaeSkywalker · 30/07/2017 16:45

I went on an awful one a couple of years ago (no strippers but lots of awful behaviour). I spent the whole weekend saying "no thanks"- they clearly all thought I was uptight but I'd rather have my dignity, ta.

Tinkerbec · 30/07/2017 16:46

This happened to me. I was even hoodwinked into paying £10 for the pleasure!

I just sat on the edge if the room ,talking to a couple of my friends and pretty much ignored it. There was no pressure for me to
Join in at least.

Original poster
JustKeepDancing · 30/07/2017 16:46

Meowstro and Lalalalyra - that sort of situation was what I was worried about. I had a flight booked home for this afternoon so was having a worry about "if I leave and they don't speak to me what do I do until 2pm tomorrow?!"

Moanyoldcow - your friends sound great and that's exactly the kind of thing I'd enjoy doing!

iismum - I think you might have hit the nail on the head. I suspect not everyone there would be as bothered by women being objectified (my words obviously) or would see being a stripper as "a choice" rather than exploitative. So it wouldn't occur to them that some of us would be uncomfortable.

OP posts:
Whathaveilost · 30/07/2017 16:46

That would have been an evening from hell for me.
However over the years I have read many threads started by wives and GFs really upset that their partner had been on a stag do and it turned out a stripper or a lap dance was involved. The partner had felt pressured into staying because he was with his friends.

The responses have tropically been ' that's a deal breaker for me' "LTB' 'He is an adult and could have said no'. 'He didn't have to take part, he chose to stay' ' He was happy to have someone's pussy in his face,I would have his things packed'

So OP. Why did you carry on if you felt it was wrong? Because, IMO , it isn't easy to to be the only person in a crowd that says no.

WWYID? As others have said I would be making sure you are not tagged into photos.
I would be telling my partner ( if you have one) about it
I would be avoiding hen parties with that crowd in future! I always struggle getting to them because of my shifts,I'm usually working the night they are on, no sorry I can't take any leave , I haven't got much left is my usual conversation to get out of events I don't want to be part of without having people trying to persuade me otherwise!

troodiedoo · 30/07/2017 16:48

I don't go to hen dos but I would have walked out on this if I did. Tacky nonsense.

Whoever put the pics on social media is also a prize twat. No doubt will cause a few arguments.

shinynewusername · 30/07/2017 16:49

It sounds horrendous. I don't agree that there is an exact parallel between a man and woman stripper in this situation because women are more sexually vulnerable to men than men are to women. But that doesn't mean it's OK to grope and sexualise anyone in the way the OP describes.

DingDongDenny · 30/07/2017 16:49

I've been on a similar hen-do, made worse by the fact it was my SIL's, who I had never socialised with before and her friends, who I had never met. In fact it was a full on stripper and some of the 'games' were even more sexually explicit than the ones you've mentioned.

I hid at the back and managed to avoid most of it, but found it excruciating. I think I was the only one to feel like that. Longest few hours of my life

The weird thing is in any other setting I would have walked away or spoken up about the hypocracy, hen-dos are weird

SpiritedLondon · 30/07/2017 16:50

I'm not that wild about strippers and the like. I think I've been to two " ladies nights" in my lifetime. The worse one was on a boat and the guy ended up waving his penis right in my face....awful. I'm not sure if I would have walked out in your position....it would depend on how far I'd travelled and how sleazy the games were. I would have pushed myself as far back from the action as possible though and not participated in any of the games if they involved touching the bloke.

ChickenBhuna · 30/07/2017 16:50

It sounds horrendous OP. Men or women being objectified for 'fun' is very grim indeed.

There's not much you can do about it now but I'd definitely avoid hen nights with this crowd in the future.

ilovesooty · 30/07/2017 16:51

How utterly horrible. I shall never go on a hen do again unless I'm assured that there won't be a stripper, having experienced one once. Sorry you had to experience that.

simon50 · 30/07/2017 16:54

YANBU at all, a few years ago some mates wanted me to go to a lap dancing club with them, I said "no way" I'm no prude, (in the past dated a girl who once worked as a dominatrix) but don't think that sort of thing is right.

EllaHen · 30/07/2017 16:55

Well, at least you'll know for next time that it's okay to walk out/leave the room.

I've had 2 social occasions where naked butler and stripper have been there and I hid.

Before dh and I got together he'd been on a couple of stag do's where they (the group) ended up in a strip club. Dh said he just went to a nearby pub. A couple of others joined him.

I bet more people than you realise hate it.

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