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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU? Feel uncomfortable about Hen Do...

109 replies

JustKeepDancing · 30/07/2017 16:09

Hi all

I could do with some second opinions...

So, I'm on my way home from a hen do which I've been on this weekend. The "activity" for the Saturday afternoon was for a male Butler In The Buff to come to the apartment we were staying in, serve us lunch and lots of alcohol, and to play "sexy" games (e.g pin the tail on the donkey but with stickers of penises on his body, quizzes where the "loser" had to take a shot from between his bum cheeks with no hands, and various things which involved being blindfolded and touching this guy).

As soon as the guy turned up I felt really uncomfortable - not so much about seeing someone naked (because of my job I'm very used to bodies) - more the double standards. That sort of activity is not "fun" or "sexy" to me - I don't enjoy the double entendre, and I'm not a big drinker - and the peer pressure to take part was really uncomfortable. I tried to say no to taking part in a game and had ten people shouting at me. There were a couple of us who were obviously not sure about it, or who were uncomfortable, judging by reactions and facial expressions. I talked about it afterwards with one of the other women who pointed out she'd be really upset if her husband went to a strip club, or objectified a woman's body - so why was it ok for us to? And to be honest I completely agree with her. I feel like the situation was really hypocritical. I'm also really frustrated that we weren't told in advance, and I felt "stuck" in the situation, and now there's photos of it all over social media.

So I suppose my AIBU and WWYDs :
AIBU to think it was hypocritical and to be uncomfortable that there wasn't an option for us to go and sit somewhere else or to exclude ourselves from that?
WWYD in that situation? I'm frustrated with myself for allowing myself to be in an environment I felt so uncomfortable with but I didn't know how to react.

Thank you Smile

OP posts:
AssassinatedBeauty · 30/07/2017 18:35

Just chipping in to be another one to say that YANBU. What a hideous thing to spring on you, and then to round on you when you weren't keen. I really don't understand why anyone would think this acceptable or enjoyable. I'd have just walked out I think, and then just spent some time on my own until the flight home if they couldn't cope with that.

Klondikecookie · 30/07/2017 19:24

YANBU (and I also understand not feeling able to speak out).

I don't know what it is about hen do's. I'm sure many are entirely appropriate, but in my very first job as a glass collector (aged 16 but looked younger) I would get groped/assaulted every time there was a hen do in the bar. Never had similar from anyone who wasn't celebrating a hen do.

Mrskeats · 30/07/2017 19:28

I would have just left. Things like this are just tacky.

InvisibleCities · 30/07/2017 19:58

There was a thread on Twitter recently where a young gay man was repeatedly groped by a drunk woman on the tube. He was extremely upset, was roundly abused by her friends for being upset and told it was just a bit of fun, and he should find it flattering. angry Struck me as a hateful double standard as well.

What double standard? You think a young woman has never been harassed/groped by a man and then been hassled by his mates for not enjoying it and being accused of having no sense of humour or being a stuck up bitch? Because several examples of that flashed through my mind when I read your comment, things that happened to me and other girls. It's a situation far too common to make the tabloid headlines.

"Double standard" seems to be regularly trotted out when something that women experience an awful lot happens to a man, and there isn't immediate nationwide outrage.

BasketOfDeplorables · 30/07/2017 20:50

Invisible That's a really good point. Recently a male colleague got groped by a man - it was all dealt with properly, the groper was employed by a contracted company and he was let go as soon as we informed his manager. Professionally everything was fine but my colleague was hurt about my personal response in my capacity as his friend as he felt I'd been too 'everyday' about it and not taken him seriously. I really hadn't intended that and we talked for a while and realised that he had no idea that this sort of thing happens relatively frequently to women and girls, and we can get to the point of being quite used to it. He was pretty horrified, and I was also quite horrified that I basically accept it to be an unwelcome irritation rather than a crime.

milliemolliemou · 30/07/2017 21:02

Gross, especially since you weren't warned and there was nowhere you could escape to (if I'm right i thinking you were in a strange city.

Refuse all hen nights from now on. Being bawdy is one thing. Being revolting is another.

Hen/stag nights should be regulated (joke) - didn't a plane have to turn round because the hens were out of order? and there's another MN thread about hens on a train drinking shots and playing sex games in front of children. Who are these people?

Beebee7 · 30/07/2017 21:10

YANBU. I am not jumping on the bandwagon but I find lusting over male strippers, putting cocks in hot dog buns, licking chocolate spread off their nobs, sitting on cocks etc etc that these groups of feral females do, revolting and repugnant

I don't care how 'prudish' I come across. I don't want to see it and I don't want to partake in this shit.

3 hen do's I have been to in the past 10 years have been 'a haunted house trip,' a weekend to Ostend, and a Harry Potter themed 'do.' They were all fab!

But slippery slimy male strippers with their cock and bollocks hanging in my face? No thanks!

hellejuice91 · 30/07/2017 21:37

This sounds awful. I am very sexually open and certainly not a prude and this makes me uncomfortable. You should have been told and then you could have just joined in later.

Original poster
JustKeepDancing · 30/07/2017 21:49

Beebee - those hen dos sound amazing and much more my cup of tea!

Millie Mollie - I will definitely think carefully about going on another weekend away. I had a chat with a good friend this evening (who wasn't there) and we both agreed that the worst part was the peer pressure. If I had been somewhere I knew, or had other friends there, it would have been easier to walk away or go for a drink elsewhere, but it a bit intimidating if you're shy somewhere new.

Basket - that's an interesting anecdote to reflect on. I do think as women we get used to these things. Perhaps some of my frustration with myself comes from being in a situation I was uncomfortable with but not knowing how to remove myself.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 30/07/2017 23:25

Don't beat yourself up

We are all brave in the abstract, m'dear. Not so easy when you are in the thick of it.

Whathaveilost · 30/07/2017 23:53

Don't beat yourself up

We are all brave in the abstract, m'dear. Not so easy when you are in the thick of it
So you would be ok with your DH or DP ending up in a similar situation on a stag do? 'Aw, it's ok love, don't worry that you were taking shots from a someone woman's arse, oh, you played sexy games? Don't beat your self up over it, it happens!'

After seeing so much of your advice over the years I don't think so, why is this situation any different?

AnyFucker · 31/07/2017 00:01

I thought about explaining my reasoning to you, whathaveilost

Then I thought, fuck it Smile

Whathaveilost · 31/07/2017 00:09

What stopped you?
I am genuinely interested in what appears to be contradictory advice from you.
I'm honestly not being snarky, your advice is always not to put up with bullshit, people make their own choices and why would a woman put up with such tacky behaviour. From a partner but when the OP is in the situation she is told not to beat herself up.

NotAnotherNoughtiesTune · 31/07/2017 00:12

Definitely hypocritical not to mention tacky.

Only better imho as a large group of women aren't likely to be as intimidating to a lone man, unlike the reverse.

I reckon I'd just have fucked off to be honest. Pretty shitty not to be told.

BasketOfDeplorables · 31/07/2017 07:32

I can see why you think now 'why didn't I just leave?' OP, but with 10 people all pressuring you the alternatives weren't something you were uncomfortable with and getting out of that situation. The options you had were to put up with something you didn't like, or to upset the group. I imagine you thought gritting your teeth through an unpleasant experience for you was better than making a fuss.

I would completely understand if my DP had been in the same situation, as I would believe it was a lack of bravery in the moment, rather than actually enjoying it and wanting an excuse to do it.

No one is brave all the time.

Whathaveilost · 31/07/2017 08:03

I would completely understand if my DP had been in the same situation, as I would believe it was a lack of bravery in the moment, rather than actually enjoying it and wanting an excuse to do it

No one is brave all the time. I totally get it.

That's why I always thing the ones where a bloke has gone to a stag do and gets slated by everyone and called all the names under the sun as I said in my post last night. Blokes have been called spineless because they haven't walked away from their mates and ended up in a strip club ( different story if planned and they knew about)

It's only as I've got older I've had the confidence to say to people that they must be joking if they want me to do stuff that I feel is not on. I probably have run with the crows 20 years ago!

BasketOfDeplorables · 31/07/2017 10:05

Whathave It depends on the individual circumstances, I think. Have you seen threads where the OP has said 'DH came back from a stag do saying he'd had a horrible time because there was a stripper and he didn't want to take part but everyone pressured him into it and now he feels ashamed that he didn't stand up to the group' and seen the DH called spineless?

I don't think I have - I've seen an OP who has discovered that there was a stripper after their partner has kept it from them, and ones where she's known that he went to strip clubs before they were together and is disappointed that he's taken part in the stag do knowing she doesn't like it.

I get the impression (but happy to be corrected if you don't feel this way) that you think there is a double standard, where a man gets called cowardly but a woman is told not to worry. I don't think this is the case. Plenty of posters have said they would have just left, and asked OP why she didn't.

I can see myself in the OP's position, so I would understand if DP experienced the same. However, both of us would come home and say how awful we'd felt and how under pressure, and both of us would have complete confidence that the other was being honest about not wanting to be there. Are the threads you're referring to really like this?

MrsRaymondReddington · 31/07/2017 10:34

Sounds absolutely fucking horrendous! I'd have made some excuses and left the room to phone DP to tell him. I don't think I'd be overly keen on drinking a shot from DP's bum cheeks (and he has a lovely bum!) let alone some greasy, gyrating stranger. Bleugh!

Why do people organise these hen dos thinking people want to do this sort of shit. Surely a quick email round to everyone asking opinions wouldn't be too much to ask?!

Heartofglass12345 · 31/07/2017 13:10

Sounds awful! I wouldnt want someone wangling their willy in my face or anything 🤢

Heartofglass12345 · 31/07/2017 13:12

Although i'm not sure about the objectifying thing as he obviously chooses to do that, the same as a stripper. I just think its all a bit weird to get excited by!

ThinkOfTheHorses · 31/07/2017 13:43

I would have felt humiliated if faced with that situation

Branleuse · 31/07/2017 13:49

I would not have gone along with this. Gross

2014newme · 31/07/2017 13:49

I do not believe that the butlers let you do shots out their bums, if they are proper butlers the buff not just local strippers . You don't touch them. They've served the meal and washed up when I've been on a hen night.

DeleteOrDecay · 31/07/2017 13:53

Sounds horrendous, shots from his bum ffsShock

I can't imagine my DP would be happy to find out I did a shot from another mans bum at a hen do whether it was my own or not. I definitely wouldn't be happy with him doing the same thing with a female stripper.

YANBU op, the bride or who ever organised the hen party should have let everyone know what was happening so you could skip that part if you wanted.

I genuinely don't understand what is so fun about strippers and the like.

Hudson10 · 31/07/2017 14:15

If this was reversed everyone would be saying the man on a stag do was spineless and the woman should leave him because it's degrading and a deal breaker.

Yep. I know I've read a thread on here before where a dh had been on a stag night and hated it/didn't want to take part and everyone was giving him grief for not joining in.
His dw was told to LTB as he must have been enjoying it really/he was spineless etc.
This is the exact same scenario but sexes reversed, and nobody's told the OP that her dh needs to leave her as she must have been enjoying it really.
The double standards on this kind of thing is disgusting.