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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to p*ss on DH's dreams?

110 replies

TeamB1 · 29/07/2017 22:43

DH is almost finished training to be a doctor and wants to qualify as a GP in the next 5 years. We're also hoping to start a family in the next 2 years. We're mid 20s now, a year married.

He's been looking into working with medical charities abroad doing aid work. He's talked about this for a little while but only seriously in the last few weeks. He's talked about us going out for a month a year where he would doctor and I would teach (I'm a teacher). I've said I really don't want to do this and also don't know how it would work with a young family. I don't think it's practical or something I would want to do after a long school year. He's said he wants to do it and maybe I could come visit him. Again I've said I'm not sure how that would work - he's talked about us leaving hypothetical toddlers / preschoolers with his mum for a few weeks. I've said I really don't want to but if he was desperate he could go. I'm keen for us to have family time when we have holidays. He's then talked about going during term time- again I've pointed out how impractical it would be for the family.

AIBU? He's not happy right now. I know he sees me as standing in his way/p*ssing on his dreams. I feel guilty but also a tad annoyed...

OP posts:
Alittlepotofrosie · 29/07/2017 22:45

He should do it before you have dc. Once you've got them he won't be buggering off for a month.

monkeysox · 29/07/2017 22:47

Agree. Do it before dc.

delilahbucket · 29/07/2017 22:47

I think yabu. You are only mid 20's. Plenty of time to start a family. If you stop him doing what he wants he will eventually resent you for it. The idea is usually that you do what you want to while you are young and child free because those opportunities are unlikely to come knocking after having kids.

wheredoesallthetimego · 29/07/2017 22:48

Is there any reason why you want to start a family so young? What he says sounds like a great opportunity - I'd do that first. Is it both of you who want kids in two years or just you?

Original poster
TeamB1 · 29/07/2017 22:49

It's definitely both of us- him possibly even more than me.

OP posts:
wheredoesallthetimego · 29/07/2017 22:49

Only thing is that organisations like MSF generally want a longer commitment and for you to be several years qualified. Has he done his research?

MooPointCowsOpinion · 29/07/2017 22:52

I can see why you're reluctant, but I'm looking at it from the point of view of someone with two kids and a husband who doesn't like to travel. I'm also a teacher. You're young, you have no ties, you can do all kinds of things right now and not feel the weight of responsibility. It sounds like a wonderful, life affirming trip and I do wish I'd travelled more before putting down such strong roots.

This is clearly also important to your husband, so I would consider it more carefully. Can you promise to go with him next summer for 1 month, and say after that you guys talk about having a baby, and then every summer it's fine for him to go alone but not in term time? You could add in something you'd really like to do too, like a week holiday with your friends where he has the baby, so you can catch up on some rest after being home alone with the baby.

Nothing needs deciding right now, so I would spend time talking about it and your concerns and his concerns and try to compromise.

ImperialBlether · 29/07/2017 22:53

Mid 20s is very, very young for a guy in medicine to have children. Why the rush?

I knew a couple who worked as surgeons in my city who went to Malawi for a year (before children.) However they said they would love to go back when they had children - the children would have a fantastic experience.

Don't hold him back. He has dreams and why would you want to piss on them?

ittakes2 · 29/07/2017 22:55

Does he have to go for a month at a time? Can he not go for two weeks twice a year?
Have you considered getting an aupair when he is away?

IrritatedUser1960 · 29/07/2017 22:56

It's not all about him. A marriage means give and take he can't just do whatever he wants.
I suggest some kind of discussion about a middle way.

BertrandRussell · 29/07/2017 23:00

If my dp anted to do something like that I'd do anything I could to facilitate it. It's only a month.

DaviesMum · 29/07/2017 23:01

Just tell him that that you don't want ebola or something. If you're gonna piss on dreams or break balls, think big.

Puffpaw · 29/07/2017 23:03

Go now for a year and enjoy it, it will be brilliant. Then come back and start a family. Great for his medical experience too, and your teaching experience I should think.

JaniceBattersby · 29/07/2017 23:05

Do not have children with this man yet. He is not ready. If he were ready, he wouldn't be talking about following his dreams half way around the world while you sit at home and look after his child.

It's fine to want to go out and see the world but please don't have kids before that. It's you that's going to be left holding the baby because I can pretty much guarantee to you you're not going to want to leave it with your MIL for a 'few weeks'.

Original poster
TeamB1 · 29/07/2017 23:05

To answer some questions:
Going next summer isn't an option as he won't be qualified yet.

We would be late twenties by the time we would be starting our family, not mid twenties. Its something we have wanted for a long while but obviously something we could talk about.

Two weeks twice a year is a lovely idea but isn't an option unfortunately, the minimum commitment is a month for the charity he's interested in (not MSF).

I am happy to support him going on his own but I'm just a bit gutted that it would mean so much time apart.

OP posts:
Musicaltheatremum · 29/07/2017 23:06

If he's just qualifying he needs to get registered and I would get his FY1 and FY2 years done and out the way. He needs to get fully registerd. Then maybe go and do something different. I was 23 when I qualified and qualified as a GP aged 29 as I did some hospital medicine before doing GP training. I had my first child aged 30 and 2nd aged 32.

I'm 54 now, kids are away from home so I'm free to do what I want so don't rush to have kids.

Original poster
TeamB1 · 29/07/2017 23:07

The earliest he would be qualified to go out would be in about 5 years time so those pointing out that we're so young etc don't realise that this is a while off... we can't just go now.

OP posts:
Groupie123 · 29/07/2017 23:07

He's mid-twenties, if he goes alone he'll probably find another female doctor who does understand his charity obsession and go off with her. I think you both need to step back and understand this from each other's pov. Why is it so vital for you to have kids now? Why can't you wait a few years and gain some much needed international teaching experience? Why does he want to do it so much - is it an escape from reality? I think the writing's on the wall here tbh.

brotherhoodofspam · 29/07/2017 23:07

I was in similar position to your DP - had always wanted to work overseas, had spent time in Africa as a student and planned all my junior Dr jobs around what would be most useful to an aid organisation. Met and fell in love with DP who doesn't like traveling much and hadn't been further than France. He knew how important it was to me and we worked together in Africa for a year after getting married. He hated it and we left after the year but despite him hating it, it made us rock solid as a partnership. 20 yrs and 2DC later I did still hanker to go back and know its unlikely, but I also know that DH loved me enough to put himself through that and that knowledge has helped see me through some of the inevitable rough patches of a long marriage. If he'd stopped me going all those years ago I'm not sure our relationship would have survived the resentment. It's worth rethinking if there's any way you could compromise, sounds like he's being fairly flexible about how you do it.

ImperialBlether · 29/07/2017 23:08

I think if you are choosing to marry a man with a vocation, then you can do terrible damage to the relationship if you prevent him from doing what he feels he needs to do.

You know what, there are some women on MN who are married to real twats. They're lazy, selfish, thoughtless. Your fiance wants to do aid work abroad. He sounds amazing. I don't think it's selfish of him to want to do that. And if he were a friend of mine, I'd encourage him to marry someone who shared his vision, not someone who was trying to hold him back.

MissBax · 29/07/2017 23:11

If you're planning kids in 2 years and he won't be going for 5 why can you not go as a family? As a teacher you'll have the summer off and the child won't be in school by then anyway?

GreyCloudsToday · 29/07/2017 23:12

I've sort of been your DH in this scenario, though much bigger and more at stake in work terms. It's led to a lot of heartache in our relationship over the past 2 years.

If you don't want to go, fair enough, but a month is no time in the scheme of things. You should really try to let him go before you have the DCs. Also, think about things you would really like to do before you get inevitably tied down by the little ones. I was totally naive and unprepared for how immobile we would become!!

ladybirdsarelovely33 · 29/07/2017 23:13

So everything is rather hypothetical isn't it? Why not see how things roll out and how you both feel once he is qualified and / or have children a few years from now.

nodogsinthebedroom · 29/07/2017 23:15

Don't piss on his dreams!

BeepBeepMOVE · 29/07/2017 23:18

As you're starting so young maybe this is something you could do when the kids are old enough to take with you? Say 10 years time, DH would be qualified slightly longer which is preferable to the charities and it would be an adventure for children and a great learning experience for them.

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