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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to p*ss on DH's dreams?

110 replies

TeamB1 · 29/07/2017 22:43

DH is almost finished training to be a doctor and wants to qualify as a GP in the next 5 years. We're also hoping to start a family in the next 2 years. We're mid 20s now, a year married.

He's been looking into working with medical charities abroad doing aid work. He's talked about this for a little while but only seriously in the last few weeks. He's talked about us going out for a month a year where he would doctor and I would teach (I'm a teacher). I've said I really don't want to do this and also don't know how it would work with a young family. I don't think it's practical or something I would want to do after a long school year. He's said he wants to do it and maybe I could come visit him. Again I've said I'm not sure how that would work - he's talked about us leaving hypothetical toddlers / preschoolers with his mum for a few weeks. I've said I really don't want to but if he was desperate he could go. I'm keen for us to have family time when we have holidays. He's then talked about going during term time- again I've pointed out how impractical it would be for the family.

AIBU? He's not happy right now. I know he sees me as standing in his way/p*ssing on his dreams. I feel guilty but also a tad annoyed...

OP posts:
PoppyBucket · 30/07/2017 01:25

He's been looking into working with medical charities abroad doing aid work

There is a very stringent selection process. He might not meet the criteria. Especially if he has a baby or young child at home.

I think you are thinking far too far ahead.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 30/07/2017 03:25

I have friends who are a couple, both doctors, who did VSO before they had children. Then, when they came back from doing VSO, they did their GP training. Would that be an alternative option or not?

I don't think it's insurmountable for you to go with him with very young children, they're quite portable and if you do it while you're still on mat leave then it won't interfere with your work either - and then you can decide whether or not it's something you can manage to fit in again later. But don't piss all over your own career path, just to facilitate your DH's dreams either - it has to work for both of you.

WiganPierre · 30/07/2017 03:33

I think you need to put off having children until after he's qualified and after he's been able to go. Otherwise he will always resent you. He sounds very immature if he thinks you can dump toddlers at the in laws for months at a time Confused it's simply outrageous.

daisychain01 · 30/07/2017 04:09

Nothing helpful to add, only that this thread should be in Classics, not all the crap about Penis Beaker. Some amazing stories of people doing great things for their fellow humans. Humbling.....

teainbed · 30/07/2017 04:31

I wish him luck getting a months leave at a time as a doctor!

shakingmyhead1 · 30/07/2017 04:36

i dont know, it sounds like it could be a very rewarding and very educational thing for you all to do, even with children, im sure online there will be a lot of blogs about people who do this sort of thing with young children and how its helped them grow as a family and how they feel the personal rewards of the volunteer work actually feel greater than what they contribute to the organization, maybe see whats out there and do a bit of research, even email a few people from volunteer websites and ask lots of questions ( everything you can think of) before you make any decisions on if you join in with your husband or not

PyongyangKipperbang · 30/07/2017 04:45

I wish him luck getting a months leave at a time as a doctor!

That was my first thought too!

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 30/07/2017 08:15

Just delay starting a family, it's better he gets to do this then find a steady job before rushing into such a commitment and resenting the fact that his training can't be used as he likes.

Use the time to build up your own career pre chidren as much easier to negotiate flexible hours if established with a good track record.

outputgap · 30/07/2017 08:21

I have two Dr friends who did part of their training abroad. No idea how it worked but it was I think a couple of months.

GetAHaircutCarl · 30/07/2017 08:27

OP you say you don't want to volunteer for a month.
Do you mean at all? Or with hypothetical children?

SpartacusSaiman · 30/07/2017 08:29

I would go now. Even if he isnt qualified.

Both me and dh had particular dreams when we met. We risked alot to actually do them. One worked great. One not so much. They didnt happen in way we envision when we were younger.

But it brought us closer. We enjoyed the ride. I can imagine if either one of us had missed out completely, resentment woild have grown.

We had dd young. She is now 13 and we are planning what we can do now she is older. With her.

Crumbs1 · 30/07/2017 08:51

Good point re his elective. Where has he been/is he going? My two went to Chad to do obstetrics and Kabul to do field medicine. Both learned huge amounts that will stay with them forever.

millifiori · 30/07/2017 08:52

You're mid twenties. Just plan your life a little. How about a whole year doing MSF or similar for him, teahcing for you, then come home and start a family. I'd not be prepared to let DH waltz off for a whole month every year while I looked after DC unless it was vital to his job. But before you have DC, iwhy not have an adventure. It's important to him, and I don't think it's healthy to crush each other's dreams. But nor is it healthy to pursue dreams that take your partner for granted.

millifiori · 30/07/2017 08:53

Sorry for typos!

Headofthehive55 · 30/07/2017 08:55

Ive worked abroad. So has DH. I wouldn't take my kids volunteering abroad.
I've known people do it and their health never recovered.
Re kids. I don't think you are considering them young. Don't have them older. I'm facing the real prospect of my younger child becoming motherless at a young age. Would have been better if he was older.
Also think what you want. Would you really wish to work in your long break? People forget teaching isn't about the hols, you will have your next year to plan for.

lottiegarbanzo · 30/07/2017 08:55

Two thoughts. One is that 'let's leave the toddlers with MIL for a month' is something a non-parent says about hypothetical children. When you have an actual baby you will both bond with it and feel quite differently about shoving it aside for a month so he can concentrate on other things.

Also, if you're going to have DCs youngish, you will have a lot of time, as active, capable people with established careers, experience and probably more employment flexibility, when your DCs have flown the nest. You'll only be about 50. You'd have years ahead when either the one month a year option, or taking a whole year out, could work really easily.

So maybe a bit of experience pre-DCs to test the water. Then allow yourselves to see how you feel post-DCs and what the reality of jobs and life really I'd. You have so many options, later.

You do need to knock on the head his idea that parenting involves prioritising what he wants to do, while expecting 'others' who will mostly be you, to cover the hard slog of childcare. Having DCs is very rewarding but a massive commitment, day in, day out. I think an in depth examination of what 'equal parenting' means to the two of you and of what 'mother' and 'father' mean, might be revealing and very useful, before you plunge in to parenthood with very different (probably unarticulated, often unconscious) expectations.

Headofthehive55 · 30/07/2017 08:58

And going fir a year might mean you have to give your job in a school you like.
I gave up a job in a school I as happy in, to follow my DH dreams, only to not find another school I was happy in and ended up leaving teaching as a result.

QuiteLikely5 · 30/07/2017 08:59

You are very naive if you think standing in the way of a persons dreams is going to be without consequence.

There are no children yet. Let him do it. You are sad at the thought of him spending a month without you?! You are wrapped up in your own self slightly!

Our partners should bring the best out in us - not hold us back. Think about it

PunjanaTea · 30/07/2017 09:01

I was also going to mention an elective abroad, no idea how it works but I know medics who have done it as part of their training.

There is no point being so rigid about something that he is planning to do in 5 years time, who knows what may happen in the meantime.

That said I resent my DH hugely for giving me the impression that he wanted to work abroad at some point whereas in reality he wanted to live in the exact location of his choosing and not leave until he dies, so be careful how many rules you put in place for the other person living in your life.

lottiegarbanzo · 30/07/2017 09:08

And yes, you need to articulate your vision for your life too. How do you want to spend your summers? How do you envision family life?

There's a potential power imbalance in your relationship because he has 'a dream' and you don't.

Don't make stuff up for the sake of it but do think through your vision for family life, what family experiences, travels together etc you see as being an important part of that. Then try to quantify those a little; what holiday time, what funds etc. Likewise your career aspirations. Thus you build your 'dream of a fantastic family life and satisfying career'.

Then you have a starting point for a discussion about your shared and individual aspirations, what fits, what doesn't, what compromises could be made.

Maybe his dream is more real, more powerful, more necessary to his sense of personal fulfilment than yours is to you. Or maybe yours is just less easy to define and articulate as a single, quantified 'thing'.

HotelEuphoria · 30/07/2017 09:21

Sorry if I'm missing something but I don't see him going off to work for a month a year on the other side of the world an issue if it means a lot to him.

Thousands of families have one partner working away for months at a time forever. Think Forces, Oil Rigs etc.

Wouldn't bother me, but then I am fifty and DH has always worked away.

IrritatedUser1960 · 30/07/2017 09:30

I never stood in the way of my husbands dreams, he spent our entire 17 year marriage pursuing them while I paid the mortgage, bills and kept everything going then he left me for somebody he felt was "more exciting".
Don't sacrifice what you want constantly for somebody elses dreams.
If he is a real man who is worth being with he will compromise.

teainbed · 30/07/2017 09:30

He should speak to junior doctors about postgraduate exams before committing to having children so young. So should you, it's no picnic and I imagine you'd be left looking after them whilst he studies and goes on courses.

IfYouGoDownToTheWoodsToday · 30/07/2017 09:34

There are lots of possibilities and changes of mind/situation, between now and 5 years time.

If it's something he really wants to do, then I think you are BU to piss on chips, however I'm 99% certain he will change his stance of "just leave the DC for a month every year, with grandparents, they'll be fine". Most parents wouldn't do that.

I wousl be inclined to say "I won't want to leave the DC and I won't want to be apart from you every tees, but let's wait and see". (Of course you might also change your mind and think it would be a wonderful adventure to take the DC away for a month every year.)

dudsville · 30/07/2017 09:39

I know a couple where the father has a job that requires travel and can be away for months at a time. They have a child. The mother had a lot of support from her mother. It seems to work for them.