AIBU to p*ss on DH's dreams?

[TeamB1]

DH is almost finished training to be a doctor and wants to qualify as a GP in the next 5 years. We're also hoping to start a family in the next 2 years. We're mid 20s now, a year married.

He's been looking into working with medical charities abroad doing aid work. He's talked about this for a little while but only seriously in the last few weeks. He's talked about us going out for a month a year where he would doctor and I would teach (I'm a teacher). I've said I really don't want to do this and also don't know how it would work with a young family. I don't think it's practical or something I would want to do after a long school year. He's said he wants to do it and maybe I could come visit him. Again I've said I'm not sure how that would work - he's talked about us leaving hypothetical toddlers / preschoolers with his mum for a few weeks. I've said I really don't want to but if he was desperate he could go. I'm keen for us to have family time when we have holidays. He's then talked about going during term time- again I've pointed out how impractical it would be for the family.

AIBU? He's not happy right now. I know he sees me as standing in his way/p*ssing on his dreams. I feel guilty but also a tad annoyed...

I've also been in your husbands shoes here, my DH looked after our twins for a month/6weeks each year from them being 2 years old. You get 1 shot at life and I would fully support my husband (as he does me) pursuing something, particularly something that shows your children to care for and be considering of others. Society is so inward looking and young people struggle to see beyond their immediate circumstances (as do many older people), what an opportunity to give that broader perspective to your children, even if just through your husbands stories.

What's the rush to go and volunteer now?

Either delay children for an extra year it two - and do some overseas work first or get on with having kids and then pick up the volunteering when a) they are older and off at university b) he'll have much more experience in medicine and c) financially you'll be better off and can better afford to take a career break.

I'd be wondering about selling it to him as 'when the kids are much older we'll take off for a year'.

If you don't want to go fair enough, but I think a marriage is partly about supporting each other's dreams.

It's an amazing opportunity to do some good in the world. I wouldn't stand in the way of my DP doing it, even if I didn't want to go with him.

In fact my DP has a dream to row across the Atlantic (he is a previous world record indoor rower so this isn't as unlikely as it sounds).

I pointed out all of the practicalities we'd have to think about but said we'd make it work if he really decided to do it whether or not we had small children at the time....on one condition...

That I get to take the same amount of time out to do something I enjoy/to travel and he supports me in the same way.

...and sorry to be blunt, but I think a grown woman should be able to cope for a month without her DH.

Sure you'll miss him, but it's four weeks. Just plan some great stuff in with family and friends and take advantage of it.

I'm just saying that I think he will resent the OP ruining this for him and might leave her.

But why is it so important he gets all of his dreams fulfilled? Dream career, dream volunteering opportunities, dream family. There's no mention of the OP and her dreams in any of this.

And I'm going to do that ever-annoying gender reversal thing now - if she was in his role and posted here, studying to be a doctor, wanting a family ASAP while simultaneously planning to work abroad with very little thought to what would happen with her prospective children AND she had a reluctant husband, people would be asking her why her arse was on fire, she's in her twenties, why the need to do everything in the next five years? There wouldn't be any "Your Dreams Must Be Realized" rubbish.

Also, to those saying 'it's just a month' it sounds to me like it's a month each year, which is not something to take on lightly with young children OR a big job training requirement OR if domestic circumstances mean that this month is effectively in lieu of having family holidays.

Fair enough to want to do it, but it seems inconsistent with wanting to start a family in twenties and at the same time as trying to qualify as a GP.

I would say try to make it work before kids. Some people manage to do all sorts with small children and hats off to them. I'm not one of them and I've found having children incredibly restrictive. So glad I travelled a lot before having them. I often feel trapped by family life so imagine if I'd put off my dreams until now I'd be a bit resentful.

Actually the more I think about this, the more I see that this guy is being very unrealistic. A month abroad (presumably unpaid?) every year while working as a junior doctor, and then a GP. Would his practice even stand for that? How good a doctor is he that they'll be happy to get a locum in every year - or is he planning to sue his holiday for that instead of spending time with his much wanted family?

It's lucky there are people who have dreams like this! I do think anyone who would try to stop their partner from contributing to society like this is too focussed on how things affect themselves rather than on the bigger picture. Also perhaps a bit lacking in ambition/imagination themselves.

Although some people really aren't cut out for it - that's understandable.

I think that people who insist on being supported to achieve their dreams are rather selfish.
Maybe grandparents don't want to look after the chikdren for a month?
Maybe the op will already have done her fair share of the grunt work that year whilst her h does courses etc fir his career, and maybe she feels the summer us when she would like to achieve a holiday together. She's not his unpaid nanny.