Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

AIBU to p*ss on DH's dreams?

110 replies

TeamB1 · 29/07/2017 22:43

DH is almost finished training to be a doctor and wants to qualify as a GP in the next 5 years. We're also hoping to start a family in the next 2 years. We're mid 20s now, a year married.

He's been looking into working with medical charities abroad doing aid work. He's talked about this for a little while but only seriously in the last few weeks. He's talked about us going out for a month a year where he would doctor and I would teach (I'm a teacher). I've said I really don't want to do this and also don't know how it would work with a young family. I don't think it's practical or something I would want to do after a long school year. He's said he wants to do it and maybe I could come visit him. Again I've said I'm not sure how that would work - he's talked about us leaving hypothetical toddlers / preschoolers with his mum for a few weeks. I've said I really don't want to but if he was desperate he could go. I'm keen for us to have family time when we have holidays. He's then talked about going during term time- again I've pointed out how impractical it would be for the family.

AIBU? He's not happy right now. I know he sees me as standing in his way/p*ssing on his dreams. I feel guilty but also a tad annoyed...

OP posts:

thatsnotmyrat · 30/07/2017 09:44

I wouldn't delay having kids if that is really important to you, we started at 30 and were shocked to discover that there was a significant issue we were unaware of. We have DC but we're very lucky we didn't leave it any later to start. Hopefully you will find having DC really easy but it is much less certain than passing exams for example.

Brighteyes27 · 30/07/2017 09:48

I would go with him for a month now or before kids and see. It you don't love your job take a year out now and go.
As others have said he will resent you for it if you stop him going altogether and you will come to resent him going if you have kids. It is naive to think you would want to leave them with his MIL for a whole month. You can't realistically take D.C. Out of school for a month every year either as you will know being a teacher.
You maybe need to both have calm discussions of how you both seee the future as you seem to want totally different things.

catsatonthemat · 30/07/2017 09:52

Why don't you look at other ways you can both compromise. Are there any other charities he would consider? Which part of the world is he looking at? It's very difficult when you have a partner with different dreams. Whoever gets held back will eventually have regrets. Think outside the box and ask him too as well.

Hulder · 30/07/2017 09:56

The main thing that stands out to me is that he isn't actually a doctor yet and you don't have the children yet.

Being a medical student and being a doctor are two utterly different things. What you think you might do when you have kids and what you actually do are utterly different things.

On the doctoring side - I wish him luck getting the leave! Once he's in training, the focus will be that, the training. When you are in a job, funnily enough your employer wants you to do the job.

At the moment all he has are pipe dreams. When he is a doctor he may find he wants to do entirely different things.

FWIW when I was a medical student I was going to specialize in Infectious Diseases and work abroad, sort of mission type thing. Even got a BSc in it. Scroll on 4 years and I'd lost my faith, discovered working abroad was never going to be an option for health reasons, I was utterly unsuited to a career in Infectious Diseases - I'd found the degree dull AF, and I did an entirely different specialty as a career.

Familyof3or4 · 30/07/2017 09:56

I think practically he needs to think about his post graduate training. You cannot take a month off from foundation training or GP training easily. He would need to delay training and get very out of sync to do this if it was allowed.
Also agree with others who say charities often want experienced doctors.

Not sure why anyone is questioning your thoughts on when to have children 🤔

HipsterHunter · 30/07/2017 10:02

Agree with others.

Get his MRCGP then worry about this.

RandomDent · 30/07/2017 10:03

He seems to want it all now. What do you want?

Hulder · 30/07/2017 10:13

Familyof3 makes a good point. For Foundation year training and GP training you have to do the days. If you miss significant time, you have to make it up - which the system basically isn't designed for.

Plus he will be far more use to a charity with his MRCGP. A friend who is married to a doctor (also a GP) got hers, then they both took a year out (no kids) and did locums and some volunteer work in Greece for the refugee crisis. They enjoyed it, ended up going to Iraq and she's getting a qualification in emergency medicine.

That's a plan that evolves over time, has been worked out between both of them as a family and wasn't at all what she thought she would be doing when she qualified - they were just moved by the crisis and took advantage of the opportunity. They've also worked out how her career would work with kids in.

His plan doesn't seem to involve your wishes a lot or any deep understanding of postgrad training.

AlternativeTentacle · 30/07/2017 10:13

I've said I really don't want to do this and also don't know how it would work with a young family. I don't think it's practical or something I would want to do after a long school year. He's said he wants to do it and maybe I could come visit him. Again I've said I'm not sure how that would work - he's talked about us leaving hypothetical toddlers / preschoolers with his mum for a few weeks.

So he wants to pressure you into kids but then absolve himself of his own kids every year, and palm them off on someone else so that he can go and play at being a hero?

abilockhart · 30/07/2017 10:21

Being a doctor can take a huge toll on family life especially in the early years. I don't know any who had kids in their mid twenties who are still together. Many are now practically estranged and only saw their kids during holidays.

DH and I qualified in the early 90s. In our case when long working hours were driving us apart, it was our shared dreams that brought us back together. The horrendous hours we put in in our twenties allowed us to go into areas condusive to family life when we were in our thirties.

My advice would be to to tread carefully. I think mid-twenties is way too young to give up on dreams. Anyone forced to do so will end up resentful in the long term.

MagdalenNoName · 30/07/2017 10:23

He sounds adventurous - despite also wanting to do traditional things like marry and have children - while you sound risk averse and a bit on the clingy side.

I'd say the issue wasn't so much what you do or don't do in the future but the extent to which - in the present - you recognise your differing personalities, give each other space and forge compromises when necessary.

abilockhart · 30/07/2017 10:26

TeamB1, I hope I don't come across too negative.

Just because those I knew didn't prioritise their families doesn't mean your DH would prioritise you.

Witsender · 30/07/2017 10:27

This kind of dream doesn't go away. And can be done with kids, and if without is only a month. I don't think you get to put your foot down in this tbh

BarbarianMum · 30/07/2017 10:46

How does "doing it with kids" work? Do they stay behind? With the OP? With family? Or go too - in which case who pays for this? And it still leaves the OP sole parenting whilst her dh works. It's not a holiday, and the more you make it like one the less the recipients benefit.

Personally I'd not even consider it til the kids were older (8+) and i say that as a mum and a former aid worker.

Nancy91 · 30/07/2017 10:51

If my partner "pissed on my dreams", I would leave him.

Be proud that he has ambition, so many people lack it.

WhereYouLeftIt · 30/07/2017 10:53

And what are your dreams?

All I see in your OP is he want, he wants. Well some of the things he wants are incompatible with some of the other things he wants. This is HIS problem to resolve, HIS problem to suggest solutions HE can provide, not that YOU can provide by knuckling under to HIS wants.

Hulder · 30/07/2017 10:57

Nancy to some extent I have pissed on my DH's dreams - equally he has pissed on mine. Being in a relationship involves compromises and taking into consideration the views of the other person.

We have a new dream now that involves both of us in partnership. But it was painful navigating that bit of the relationship where you realized that some of your dreams really only worked if you were single, or if the love of your life chose to have a total personality transplant.

Part of relationships is creating dreams together. One person doesn't get a dream monopoly.

Nancy91 · 30/07/2017 11:06

Hulder sometimes there is no compromise. You don't sort of achieve your goals in life. You achieve them or you don't. But I guess part of achieving your dream might involve a horrible break up. Whether or not it is worth it is down to the individual.

rwalker · 30/07/2017 11:12

let him follow his dreams what is a year in the scheme of things you have the rest of your lives . amazing opotunity thirty is not late to start a family

MrMessy · 30/07/2017 11:32

If my partner "pissed on my dreams", I would leave him.

Be proud that he has ambition, so many people lack it.

But the OP is entitled to dreams and ambitions too. Hers maybe to settle in one place, make a career for herself in that place and raise children in that place. Her DH's wants don't get to trump that because his dreams are more dynamic.

Clearly the OP doesn't want to split up with her DH and in fact one of her objections is that he goes on his own she would miss him- which is fair enough you would miss the person you love if they go away. It doesn't sound like the DH would miss the OP though, or the theoretical children he has already planned to dump on his Mum for a month. I see the OP as someone who is struggling with trying to be fair and find a compromise, whilst the DH just wants to follow his dreams and sod anyone else's feelings.

Alicia555 · 30/07/2017 11:39

If this was a man saying he wants to piss on the dreams of his wife, I think the thread would have gone differently.
Maybe his priorities have changed and he doesn't want kids just yet, you need to talk to him and work put a compromise so neither of you "piss on each other's dreams" and don't expect him to just give in on his dreams because he's a man.

Nancy91 · 30/07/2017 11:42

I'm just saying that I think he will resent the OP ruining this for him and might leave her. He does get a say in whether or not he stays with her. Not everyone prioritises "normal" family life above their DREAMS, that would be depressing. You only get one life and shouldn't have to forget about your ambitions because your partner would miss you.

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 30/07/2017 11:50

I'd leave too if my ambitions were so very different from a partners. A partner is supposed to enhance your life not curtail it and make you conform to their way of thinking.

Your twenties should be the time to make dreams happen whilst young enough and carefree enough. I'll be encouraging mine to do just that. Plenty of time for children when their career is settled and they have done the things they want to do that aren't suitable when you are a parent.

MrMessy · 30/07/2017 11:54

You only get one life and shouldn't have to forget about your ambitions because your partner would miss you.

Fine. If the partner then decides that the dreams are not compatible they need to be given the option to end it. The trouble with this scenario is that the DH is trying to have it all, the exciting dream fulfilled, and the OP and children he also wants either with him or waiting for him at home. He doesn't want to compromise. He presumably doesn't want to split up with the OP over it either. He just wants her to either go along with his dreams at the expense of her own wants, or to wait around at home bringing up his children, waiting for his return.

Personally I can't see a half way point in this, both sides want such different things, I am not sure it is a dream that can be realised together. But it is easy for me to say as I am not the OP and this is not my relationship.

Iluvthe80s · 30/07/2017 11:58

A month in a whole lifetime is nothing at all. Worse case scenario let him go by himself, while you stay at home. You might feel like you need a break from each other by then anyway!

Flip

1 2 3 4 5