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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to p*ss on DH's dreams?

110 replies

TeamB1 · 29/07/2017 22:43

DH is almost finished training to be a doctor and wants to qualify as a GP in the next 5 years. We're also hoping to start a family in the next 2 years. We're mid 20s now, a year married.

He's been looking into working with medical charities abroad doing aid work. He's talked about this for a little while but only seriously in the last few weeks. He's talked about us going out for a month a year where he would doctor and I would teach (I'm a teacher). I've said I really don't want to do this and also don't know how it would work with a young family. I don't think it's practical or something I would want to do after a long school year. He's said he wants to do it and maybe I could come visit him. Again I've said I'm not sure how that would work - he's talked about us leaving hypothetical toddlers / preschoolers with his mum for a few weeks. I've said I really don't want to but if he was desperate he could go. I'm keen for us to have family time when we have holidays. He's then talked about going during term time- again I've pointed out how impractical it would be for the family.

AIBU? He's not happy right now. I know he sees me as standing in his way/p*ssing on his dreams. I feel guilty but also a tad annoyed...

OP posts:

nocoolnamesleft · 29/07/2017 23:18

Don't worry, a few years of working in the NHS drives the idealism out of most of us.

maudeismyfavouritepony · 29/07/2017 23:23

Let him go, after qualified and before children.

You were on your own before you met him, just get on with it. Fill your diary with good stuff. It'll be over before you know it.

KateAdiesEarrings · 29/07/2017 23:24

Rather than wait until he's qualified, why not suggest that you both go abroad to do general volunteering next summer? He'll see if the reality matches up to his fantasy and you'll see if you enjoy it or not.
I've worked in int dev and had some male colleagues who were so wedded to their idea of saving the world that they didn't notice the burden they were putting on their partners and families by regularly jetting off so there definitely can be selfish tendencies feeding into a desire to work abroad but one month a year may be doable.

HeddaGarbled · 29/07/2017 23:29

It's not compatible with having babies. If he wants to do it, he needs to do it before the babies or when the children are older and more independent (i.e, older teenagers or young adults). Also, I doubt anyone would have any use for a teacher who is only available for a few weeks. By the time you'd learned how to work in a completely alien education system, you'd be leaving.

He's pushing you to start a family but then doesn't expect that to put any limitations around his freedom. He need disabusing very clearly. Don't let him consign you to the role of humble helpmeet while he saves the world.

InvisibleCities · 29/07/2017 23:30

What you shouldn't do is agree to his (you say his more than your) desire to have dc's quickly, and also to go off and do this. It makes far more sense for you to both go off and have adventures together now, and start a family later. I note that he's already delegating childcare to his mother which is a red flag, childcare is something for the women to sort out.

I am happy to support him going on his own but I'm just a bit gutted that it would mean so much time apart.

Then you're not happy, so don't pretend to be! And why should you get to facilitate his dreams at the expense of yours - it's pretty clear that looking after dc's at home while your DH is off doing whatever he likes is not your dream...

BertrandRussell · 29/07/2017 23:30

"It's not compatible with having babies."

Really? Why not?

Original poster

TeamB1 · 29/07/2017 23:30

Lots of food for thought here. Thank you for the responses. we're both very anti voluntourism but if we can find a good charity that would give us a volunteering opportunity next summer that might be a good compromise. Thank you to whoever suggested that.

OP posts:

ExplodedCloud · 29/07/2017 23:31

Rather than an ongoing once a year thing, could you plan to both go somewhere for a year once he qualifies?

InvisibleCities · 29/07/2017 23:38

Really? Why not?

I wouldn't say it's incompatible (though my only point of reference is The Detectorists which was fictional) but it's not as convenient as being childfree and doing it. It's not like they are both pushing 40 and need to get on with it, they are only in their twenties. Why add unnecessary complications?

plantsitter · 29/07/2017 23:38

There has to be some kind of third way here. It is an admirable dream and it will NOT be good for your relationship if you stop him doing it, but then neither will being left on your own with young kids for a month every year especially if you feel at all resentful about it (and I wouldn't blame you).

Can you do a longer stint of volunteering together before kids? Could you do some kind of exchange programme whereby you teach abroad and he doctors abroad and you have kids in a different country? It needn't be in third world conditions.

I feel like you could do more research together and find a solution that satisfies you both.

timeisnotaline · 29/07/2017 23:46

I agree with the trying something next year. I think it's an admirable dream but it's also very thoughtless if not selfish to push having children at the same time. Most women don't want to take small babies to third world countries, and I for one would have thought dh is taking the piss if he thought he could leave me at home with a baby that was his idea for a month to follow his dreams. He needs to think about it and what it means for you and hypothetical family. if he goes without you and you find yourself completely miserable will he agree not to go? Will you go maybe every second or third year IF you don't have a child under one?

Maryz · 29/07/2017 23:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TatianaLarina · 29/07/2017 23:52

I think you're both in a rush to have kids. If you both spend time working abroad in the next few years that may get it out of his system.

That said I'm friends with a couple who are both doctors, one GP, husband a consultant. They have managed to combine work with child-rearing and living in different countries. They're Christian and volunteer with Christian charities for medical work.

KateAdiesEarrings · 30/07/2017 00:01

It doesn't have to be voluntourism. I'd be inclined to approach charities rather than volunteering/holiday firms.
I know people who thought aid work was their vocation and after one trip overseas, they realised it wasn't for them and left the sector. I know people who went home mid-trip. Of course, I know many others for whom it is a vocation. I've no idea which your DH will be. At this stage, neither does he.

FadedRed · 30/07/2017 00:07

Lots of people manage when a partner has to work abroad. My DH had to spend a lot of time on the other side of the world when DC was small, it was hard, but it worked out because we made it.
If you love someone you try to help them achieve their dreams, not piss on their fireworks for no good reason. Your post sound'sas if you expect him to do what you want, bot little consideration of what he does.

thetoothfairywhoforgot · 30/07/2017 00:22

My DH has done this and it has been amazing for his career. It has been hard at times - when he did longer stints. But has given us both priceless opportunities and experiences. I've met presidents and been to places most people haven't even heard of. (Have not particularly roughed it either.)

GreatFuckability · 30/07/2017 00:33

Just as a thought and an alternative to all the 'why so young?' comments. I lost my ability to have children when I was 28. Thankfully i'd already had my children by then (the first wasn't planned, but once we had one, we decided we wanted them close, so we had 4 in quite quick succession). And as fate would have it, that turned out to be a good decision for us. I'm not saying that will happen, of course, but it IS something to think about. Fertility is not by any means guaranteed and if being a parent is very important to you, then it may be someting worth prioritising. Just something to think about.

HeddaGarbled · 30/07/2017 00:34

Lots of people manage

Lots of women manage.

He's pushing her to have children quickly. And then follow his dreams.

Justaboy · 30/07/2017 00:51

Go forth! the both of you, it could be an excellent experience for Both of you! It could strengthen you relationship no end.

Really - just what have you got to object over?

You could make them abroad one of ours was under a palm tree on a moonlight beach with the Pacific ocean swishing around us.

OK TMI I know but.

mrbob · 30/07/2017 00:59

A couple of things jump out... first, I wanted to be a stroke physician and do voluntary work overseas when I left medical school. I am now an emergency consultant. We all come out of medical school with ideas which can change hugely. Similarly the having children target may drift with exams etc and the harsh reality of the job. Also it may all be a dream- getting a job which will let you piss off for a month a year is possible but not exactly likely. And thirdly taking kids overseas would be bloody awesome. You might just want to pick your place a bit more but is totally do-able. It is risky but I would hold fire on making massive decisions for a couple more years yet :)

EveEve13 · 30/07/2017 01:09

Like most people, I had my children at 35 and 37; so you do have alot of time to do this first without children. So DO NOT be pressured into having children now unless you want to.
Second, a month apart every 1-2 years is doable.. if he is hands on when home. I just had my first long work trip overseas post kids - i was away nearly 3 weeks and my husband looked after the 2 & 4 year old at home fine. But you need a real partner, a hands on co-parent.. and that's hard to predict before kids :) :(

PoppyBucket · 30/07/2017 01:11

I wouldn't be planning babies now with so much important stuff just hanging....

Having said that, I didn't plan my babies. They just sort of turned up.
I think sometimes you have to just go with the flow.
You simply can't plan your life to the letter, it's just asking for stuff to go wrong.

Trust me, two years from now and all these plans will have turned around and be standing on their heads and you'll still only be 27.
It's too early for you to set your future in stone.
Give it some time and stop worriting.

The passage of time has a way of clarifying your thoughts and plans.

Crumbs1 · 30/07/2017 01:13

There's a few problems. He'll need to finish foundation programme before anyone is going to consider him. Charities like MS! Save the Children and Red Cross are highly competitive and want some field experience. You could maybe consider VSO though but he'd still need to have passed foundation programme.
He might want to look at doing some courses in refugee or conflict medicine, tropical diseases and trauma.
He might try volunteering weekends in Calais or Dunkirk where they need medically qualified personnel to help with displaced including women and children.
His dreams need to be a bit more realistic before they translate into reality.

PoppyBucket · 30/07/2017 01:16

mrbob

x-post. That's really what I was trying to say, but from a non-doctor point of view. Two years is a very long time when you are 25. Ideals can change.

smilingmind · 30/07/2017 01:20

It is possible to go with children. I went to Africa to do aid work with 3 under 5, one a baby.
We knew many other families in the same situation .

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