To think that my DH is lazy at times

[ToughNorthernLass]

He roughly works around 3 days a week sometimes more depending on business and works shifts.

Sometimes I think he can be quite lazy. I'm a SAHM and I think he expects me to do everything all the time...when's my day off?

We have 2DS and he very rarely takes them out on his own as he wants me to come so I can basically look after the youngest who's quite hard work. He used to help sometimes with cleaning but now he'll just sod off to the gym and leave me with it all, we have a big house so it takes ages! Same when I have a massive pile load of ironing, he'll go to the gym and potter around doing his own thing whilst I'm ironing his bloody clothes. On a morning I'll get the DC ready and do their breakfast whilst he has a shower and sorts himself out. Another thing that pisses me off he will go off to the toilet with his iPad and he'll be gone 20mins or so and its usually when I'm packing away after dinner. He does cook sometimes though.

I wouldn't mind if he worked lots of hours but he doesn't.

AIBU to think he is quite lazy?

I have no idea how you can string these tasks out to take so long. Both of us work full time (I also do nights and weekends sometimes), have one school age child and one toddler. No family nearby. Our house is always clean and tidy, all of our clothes get ironed (probably takes an hour each per week), I go to Aldi to shop (can get there, shop, home and food away in under an hour), we both go running at least 3 times a week for about an hour.

By 8.30pm every night we are sat in front of the tv for the rest of the night.

I don't actually blame him for not helping with the cleaning - it must feel like poor old Sisyphus pushing that rock up the hill only for it to fall back down for eternity. No matter how much cleaning he does you'll just spend hours doing it all over again the next day.

Just don't like the thought of my DC living in a dirty house. But the ironing situation is definitely going to change.

Thanks for all the advice.

How on earth does it take 2.5 HOURS to clean 3 bathrooms?

Surely it's not much more than spray spray spray wipe wipe wipe. Empty bins.

Surely you could just do something like... Wipe the bath down after kids bath/shower.

Wipe sink down after you brush your teeth
Get kids to tidy as they go etc. Around the house. If they're at school they're plenty old enough to
A) not piss on the fucking floor (get them to clean it up)
B) tidy away their own toys and make their beds etc
C) help with simple tasks like lay the table. Dusting. Sweeping kitchen floor. Emptying paper/ waste bins.
D) they can feed the cats too.

Do food shopping online. That's 3 hours saved.

DH on his days off can do
school runs
Hoover
Cooking
Ironing
Gardening
Etc

You're being a bit if a martyr

I know how grim it is with boys pissing on the floor

Mine soon started aiming better when they were presented with gloves and wipes after I went up and checked!

You're making yourself busy. It doesn't take two and a half hours a day to clean bathrooms. Stop doing so much ironing, you don't have to iron bedding, it's your choice to iron everything. I don't iron anything of my DH's. It certainly isn't a wife's job.

And shop online for goodness sake!

What's happening to make you house so dirty that it takes all day every day to clean It? I work 30 hours a week over 3 days, have 5 kids, who go to childcare incidentally that wraps around their nursery and school hours, not to grandparents ( oh and I have 3 bathrooms...) and I can get all my shit done in a couple of hours if needed. I usually do a big clean on a weekend morning and just do the essentials during the week. It's not difficult really, especially if you have all day to yourself.

To answer your question, yes your Dh is lazy. But it sounds like you are facilitating that, probably because you want to be a martyr about your situation. Sorry, that's the way it reads (why else would you do his ironing?)

I'm sorry OP but that list reads like you are trying to fill the time available. Washing up after breakfast and sorting the litter trays takes 10-15 minutes surely - you could get them done before the school run, or (shock horror) leave the dishes until tea time. Sorting tea can be done when the DC are at home - have a repertoire of quick meals, and menu plan in advance.

You easily have time to go to the gym/meet a friend/whatever for a couple of hours every morning and fit all you do into the rest of the day. If you want a day off and your DH won't pick up the slack, arrange a play date for the DC (or book them in to after school club) and have one!

You can't make someone do something.
And the thing is are you happy?
The best thing for the DCs is having a happy DM. If you are cross and put upon that isn't good for them or you.
So you need to change yourself and your behaviour to suit you - which should in turn make DH change. Eg go out in the evenings several times a week, don't iron except a few vital things, get an interest or hobby etc
I also wonder as the DCs grow how much respect they will have for the martyr that runs up and down the stairs umpteen times every night.

So he has two days (when either not on call or working) and you have seven days of which five the children are at school but it's only him that's not doing enough?

If this was my set up and you threatened to stop doing things I'd stop financially supporting you. Working 36 hours two days of being mentally on call compared to a bit of housework and ironing, there's no contest.

If your dh works 3 days a week what does he do on the other 2? As yes he should be doing more than going on the iPad and the gym, he lives there too.

Whatever Rainbows. Clearly not read twt 🙄

I think rainbows has read the thread and still doesn't understand what your problem is. Every single time someone comes up with a suggestion you put another problem in the way. Just talk to your husband ffs. There's no point moaning here as you're not listening to the suggestions anyway.

Wow.. I'm gobsmacked. Takes me 2 hours a day to clean my entire house. The kids muck in with their rooms, only items that actually need ironing get ironed and so long as everything is kept on top of then there's no way in heck you need to spend four hours every single day cleaning!

Fascinated by how long you say it takes you to clean.. would love to see a time lapse of your day. Are you really inefficient? Or obsessively clean?

There are so many easy solutions before you, you just don't want to hear them.

Before blaming DH's use of time I think you need to take an honest inventory of your own

Like I said at the beginning, you are both lazy. Your daily routine is s classic example of someone with too much time on their hands! You are filling your day with what most people do in a weekend morning. Pick up the pace and time manage a bit better, problem solved!

...but it's only one day a week that OP cleans for 4 hours.

Why are some people suggesting she's doing that every day?

I do agree that the ironing sounds like madness though. Ironing bedding? Seriously?

I may be the sole voice here, but I do consider SAHP (which includes household management) and WOHP to both be full time jobs.

I would never expect DH to do anything around the house, that's my job as the SAHP. Its not a sex-based issue either, if our roles were reversed, I would expect DH to do all of the house related stuff too.

2.5 hours to clean bathrooms? They must be sparkling.

I have 4 bathrooms (3 bed house, fuck knows why it needed 4 bathrooms) and do them all in under an hour. Even with a son that tends to splash.

Have you actually asked your dh for more help? What does he say?

jesus I hope she answers that question. I've asked her at least twice!

I'm going to bite. You are asking the wrong question.
It's not about your husband it's about your way of managing the house - with or without cats and a child with ASD. You sound lonely rather than busy. Why aren't you meeting up with people for coffee after the school run or going to the gym then?
Then there is the issue of your relationship- if you're not doing anything but inventing cleaning then you're not going to be particularly good company; boring even. Have you thought about a part-time job or volunteering? Do you ever get a babysitter and go out as a couple even if it's to the gym together? Could you book a restaurant or go to cinema occasionally?
You do seem to be making a mountain out of cleaning and shopping. Online shopping isn't lazy it's efficient and essential for people with very little time. It will reduce time particularly if you have a two or three week menu plan with same food order every other week - it becomes just literally pressing a button so saves maybe eight hours if you're currently shopping everyday.
My house has nine bedrooms and five bathrooms so I've really learned to use my time wisely. We have cleaners now but they only take five hours twice a week to keep it genuinely clean and hygienic. I do thinks like clean the fridge, mop up spills and do the downstairs lavatories when people are coming but not much more. That isn't a whole weeks work.
The ironing is ridiculous- most things don't need ironing. Certainly bedding washed at high temperatures doesn't unless it's 600 count and for gusts rather than children. Exceptions being when there are threadworms or impetigo in household.
Stop running up and down stairs to school aged children. Autistic or not. Train them to stay in their own rooms until morning. A few days should change their expectations.
Your husband is working a 36 hour week by the sound of it. You should easily be able to fit household tasks in the same time. Then share the few chores that fall outside this remembering the additional chores he might well already do such as putting the bins out, cleaning the cars or steam cleaning carpets etc.
Mainly I think you need to create a life that isn't based on martyred drudgery - and that means being brave and stepping outside the safety blanket of faux busyness.

Why is online shopping lazy?! I'm a SAHM and can't remember the last time I stepped foot in a supermarket. Meat and veg delivered weekly from a local farm shop, store cupboard stuff from Morrisons online.

Thanks for all the replies, even the not so nice ones.

My DH doesn't always work 12hr shifts, this is on a heavy day, I did say that. His work week can vary from 20hrs to 50hrs on a very busy week. It's only when he is quiet that I expect a little help. He spends his on call days in the gym, cutting the grass, having his hair cut or relaxing at home.

He is actually taking the DS out for the day on Wednesday to his mums when I made it clear I wasn't going. This will give me a whole day to myself which has NEVER happened. I will actually be able to eat my evening meal in peace.

Job wise, I have been looking for pt work but absolutely nothing going.

Food shopping online, I have done it only twice because I find you get the stuff that literally only has a two day shelf life left so found more wastage with that.

As for the ironing, I have bedding in the wash right now and it will NOT be getting ironed afterwards. But if it comes out like a complete mangled mess my OCD might kick in haha.