Someone earlier said it should have been Barry and Freda but I think Julie's even better, and I think it's Julie's fault as she's the one who's potentially been spotted. So not the story so far, and with thanks to Victoria Wood (I've checked and I think a good natured parody is ok!?)
Julie and Barry sat one night;
Their flat was high, the lift was shite;
Their view was restricted, the balcony sparse
Julie drained her prosecco glass
She felt invincible, above her station!
She switched off 'Location, Location, Location’
Barry, shocked, clutched his pearls
As Julie grabbed his crotch and twirled…
Let’s do it, let’s do it, let’s buy a listed flat!
I’m raunchy
You’re paunchy
Think how we could improve on that!
With access t’ garden
I really think we could improve your ardour
I'm thinking of erecting a massive arbour
Let’s do it, let’s do it tonight!
Let’s do it let’s do it, I’ve found a place off the beaten track
We’re sorted
Won’t be thwarted
I’m gonna ignore the legal pack
It's gorgeous lots of neighbours’ outdoor space
Homes Under the Hammer?
Don’t stammer
I'd like to shove that in Martin Roberts’ face
Let’s do it let’s do it tonight
But he said
We can’t do it, We can’t do it,
We’ll never make the planning stick
Your needing
For weeding
Is gonna land me in the nick
I can’t still
Your strong will
I’d rather rent a caravan in Merthyr Tydfill
We can’t do it, We can’t do it tonight.
So she said
Let’s do it, let’s do it, we’ll get in some dodgy brickie
Sod Wattyyyy,
She’s potty
She’ll never grass us up t’ local authority
I feel sure
That I need more
For gods sake let’s install a set of bifold doors
Let’s do it, let’s do it tonight.
But he said
We can’t do it, We can’t do it,
We’ll never get away with it
I’m scared
It’s not fair
You’re gonna make us look like tits
Bifolds pivot
Get with it
You’re gonna make the neighbour plant a giant privet
We can’t do it, We can’t do it tonight.
Then she said
Let’s do it, let’s do it, have some passion al fresco!
I’ll get Dad,
And his lads
To knock through the wall in one go!
Don’t deny me
Just try me
I really need to exercise my bits - God almighty!
Let’s do it, let’s do it tonight!
But he said
We can’t do it, We can’t do it,
You know she’ll send the planners round
To fine us
They’ll find us,
Or we’re gonna have to go to ground;
Stop whining
We’re not buying
You know you’ve really got appalling timing
We can’t do it, we can’t do it tonight.
Let’s do it, let’s do it, I really wanna a water feature
Two tiered
It’s not weird
I really think I need to teach ya
Why don't we go,
Install a lido?
I promise it’ll do wonders for your small libido!
Let’s do it, let’s do it tonight!
We can’t do it, We can’t do it,
We’ll have to put the lot back in
She’ll spot it
And log it
And chuck our plastic doors in’t bin
Stop whinging!
I’m tingling
You know as well as I do it’s a listed building
We can’t do it, we can’t do it tonight.
Let’s do it, let’s do it, I really don’t think that we’ll get caught
Stop nagging
I’m flagging
Hurry or my passion’ll all be for nought
I’m broody
You’re moody
Let’s run around Wattyyyy's garden in the nudey!
Let’s do it, let’s do it tonight!
We can’t do it, we can’t do it,
She’s gonna call her Spanish Gran
I’m stifled
You’re entitled
She’ll assault me with her paella pan
I’m sussed
I’m a wus
You know the garden really don’t belong to us
We can’t do it, we can’t do it tonight.
Let’s do it, let’s do it, I've really worked myself right up
You can’t stop me
Don’t drop me,
I’m whipping off my double EE cups
Beg your pardon
Please harden
I implore you to chase me round the communal gardens!
Let’s do it, let’s do it tonight!
We can’t do it, We can’t do it,
I’m really getting rather frit
I’m scaredy,
You’re lairy
I wish you hadn’t started this.
I suppose
That we're toast
We're gonna end up the subject of a Mumsnet post!
We can’t do it, we can’t do it tonight.
We can’t do it, we can’t do it
I don’t know who you think you are
Don’t undress
I’m under duress
Oh for Gods sake please put on that bra
Don't wail
Epic fail
We’re gonna be a story in the Daily Mail!
We can’t do it, we can’t do it tonight!!!!