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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To give up work and become a SAHM?

414 replies

YouAreMySunshine9 · 28/07/2017 10:26

This is more of a 'what would you do' but I suppose I am posting here for trafficking Blush Have name changed as the figures I give will out me.

First DC is due soonish and I'm thinking, after maternity leave, that I should give up my job because financially, it's not worth it and I want to SAH with DC as it'll have more benefits to it?

Myself and DH are both low earners. I earn just under £20K, he earns £21K.

We aren't entitled to anything with us both working, but, somehow top ups would make us better off if one of us didn't work? Hmm

I'm quite a poorly person, I have an autoimmunity disease so I have a feeling working just to pay childcare (if it even ends up covering that?) and missing out in DC's first for it will send me into despair.

My concern is... The whole career break thing. I would go back to work when DC is a few/3 years old but I'm not sure how it'd impact my job prospects. I work as a Medical Secretary in the NHS.

I would say work part time, but I'm not sure we'd get any help there either and it's a lot of huge effort just to fork out to pay for childcare.

What would you do?

I'm really worried Sad

OP posts:
Scoobygang7 · 28/07/2017 17:24

Apologies @YouAreMySunshine9 I hadn't rtft when I posted. At the end of the day you do what is best and right for your family. It makes no odds what randomers on the internet think. As long as you and your partner agree that is all that matters.

Original poster
YouAreMySunshine9 · 28/07/2017 17:25

Whatthefuck Its about childcare and commute costs, half of that equals £750 so yes it would almost wipe out my salary BUT it's not 'my salary'. Our incomes are joint together

OP posts:
Whatthefucknameisntalreadytake · 28/07/2017 17:26

I'm only confused because you said about dipping into his salary, but he can't expect his salary not to drop when he has a whole new outgoing like childcare to pay for. If he pays half and you pay half then presumably you will both still have some income that doesn't go towards childcare, and you both protect your pension rights and career development opportunities rather than him just protecting his at the expense of yours.

Original poster
YouAreMySunshine9 · 28/07/2017 17:28

Whatthefuck I understand where you're coming from, but I don't have a career as such, it was not difficult to enter into this type of work so I don't think it'd be too tricky getting back in after say a 2/3 year gap.

DH's is more more experience specific and has very good career progression.

I'm happy to take the back seat for a while. It's just basic admin in a hospital, really.

I would go part time in a local hospital but I'll have to see what becomes available nearer the time.

I haven't handed in my notice etc

OP posts:
Getoutofthatgarden · 28/07/2017 17:29

OP if that's what you want to do then do it. Please take no notice of the people on here trying to make you feel bad, it's your choice, do what works best for your family. It makes no sense to work just to cover child-care, why would anyone do that?

Xmasbaby11 · 28/07/2017 17:32

I've never been a sahp and it wouldn't suit me. I'd say you should wait until the baby is born and see how you feel about the situation. If you enjoy being at home, in your situation it makes sense to be a sahp. Just be aware it can be hard finding a job after a few years out. If you have another dc, going back to work at any point will involve paying for childcare, so do consider that. What I mean is, childcare is a big expense for many years, not just pre school. Once they are in school it's cheaper but more complicated and holidays are difficult to cover. So there is never a perfect time to return to work.

TheNightmanCometh · 28/07/2017 17:38

There are lots of reasons why it might make sense getout. Just maybe not here. Depends on circumstances.

IrritatedUser1960 · 28/07/2017 17:41

Yes I would definitely give up, you will never get that time back with your child and a few years will not ruin your career at all.
I went back to work (I was a single mum) when my son was 6 weeks old and slogged my guts out for years and missed all of his best years. if I had my time back I'd have given it up. I regret spending no time with my baby.
My son who is 35 now said he missed me terribly and the child minder was not his mum.

Whatthefucknameisntalreadytake · 28/07/2017 18:06

I know I'm a bit biased op, as some of my closest friends and family are women who gave up work, being 100% sure that they could rely on men and the state to support them and look after them, and they got right royally fucked over and are now living with their kids pretty much in poverty. And they so regret giving up their financial independence. So now my standard advice is to keep working unless you have sufficient savings or investments to be independently wealthy.
But I do realise that not everyone's experience is the same and some women are probably looked after quite well financially by their partners or the state.

I would consider though that if you keep working you are likely to go up the pay scale, have training/job opportunities that you may not have if you are unemployed. So whilst you may be able to get an entry level job in three years, if you keep working you may have progressed beyond entry level in three years time, and it all helps with pension etc.

as others have said, you really shouldn't make any decisions until you've done six months at home with a baby, as you may be gagging to get back to work by then!

Whatthefucknameisntalreadytake · 28/07/2017 18:13

I'm also biased because my mum worked and I have no memories of childcare at all. I just remember being so proud as she got promotions and did qualifications etc. I remember thinking I had the cleverest mum in the world (she wasn't, I can see now her career was quite normal but at the time I just thought she was amazingly clever :) ) and with hindsight I also appreciate how much she much have juggled things so that she could give us more opportunities.

grobagsforever · 28/07/2017 18:37

OP you mention you are very young. Therefore you can't have been with DH for long. This gives an increased probability your relationship will end at some point. And you'll be a single mum on benefits.

Do not risk your financial independence. It's reckless. Keep searching for a job closer to home.

Sorry for the touch love. But you must face reality.

Groupie123 · 28/07/2017 18:43

Why is benefits the only option? Get upskilled. Get a new higher paying job. Get self-employed. It sounds like you've already 'decided' to scrounge off the state and that's not good.

Original poster
YouAreMySunshine9 · 28/07/2017 18:44

Why is benefits the only option? Get upskilled. Get a new higher paying job. Get self-employed. It sounds like you've already 'decided' to scrounge off the state and that's not good

Get upskilled for my administrative role, whilst on maternity leave and having a hard time with my illness?

It really is easier said than done

OP posts:
Original poster
YouAreMySunshine9 · 28/07/2017 18:46

OP you mention you are very young. Therefore you can't have been with DH for long. This gives an increased probability your relationship will end at some point. And you'll be a single mum on benefits

Do not risk your financial independence. It's reckless. Keep searching for a job closer to home

Sorry for the touch love. But you must face reality

Thanks for that. I'm married, I get that younger people 'grow apart' but I thought we proved quite a bit of this wrong by getting married Hmm

Surely the biggest reality is my family's financial situation, and how worse off I am working?

OP posts:
Groupie123 · 28/07/2017 18:54

@YouAreMySunshine9 - mat leave is the best time to do it though. Plenty of my colleagues took admin/project management related courses. Learned a language. Set up micro businesses. If they can do it at 40 and 50 with four kids and a mortgage you should be able to do it now. I know I sound harsh but you need to get some perspective - you'll end up throwing your life away

PuckeredAhole · 28/07/2017 18:58

How about if you can't afford kids, then you don't have then? Crazy idea I know!

Original poster
YouAreMySunshine9 · 28/07/2017 19:00

Groupie Leaving work for 2/3 years may not be ideal but I'm certain I'm not 'throwing my life away' by any means Confused

Working is difficult for me, but I do it for the extra finances. Take that away and I feel as if I may as well just leave for a few years. It isn't forever and my role is fairly easy to get back into anyway

I'm quite sick some days, and it's extremely hard. This pregnancy is also complicated. Studying for something with that and a newborn/whilst heavily pregnant doesn't seem doable to me at all.

I'm really not in the best way for someone my age.

OP posts:
Groupie123 · 28/07/2017 19:02

@YouAreMySunshine9 - come on be realistic. At your age with only a bit of admin experience, you won't get a job after 2-3 years. Admin staff are getting more and more professionalized in all industries - at all of the GP practices and hospitals in my area they use registered nurses. By the time you're ready to return there might not be anything to return to. I think you need to think objectively.

Groupie123 · 28/07/2017 19:03

I say this as someone with Lupus. I understand how managing an illness gets. But sometimes you need to look to the future and plan for your family too.

Riversleep · 28/07/2017 19:04

OP You clearly have already made up your mind, so hand in your notice and look for a local job. If you are doing basic admin work you could apply for work as a doctors receptionist or something close to home after you have had the baby and been at home for a while?
You do need to make that decision without rose tinted glasses though, that when you go back to work you will likely be in the same position you are in now on the same wage too, if as seems likely the 1% public sector pay cap stays in place. You will be in competition with people with more experience or who are younger and cheaper than you. Also being married doesn't mean you won't grow apart. It just means that you are better protected in the event of a split.

Original poster
YouAreMySunshine9 · 28/07/2017 19:05

Groupie I have 4.5 solid years behind me of experience within the medical experience. Returning should be fine. I was asked at a previous interview why I wanted the position since it was below my experience, and I explained it suited me well etc etc.

I did not get the job. Maybe I would if I hadn't of worked for a few years.

I'm Band 4 so not entry level by any means

OP posts:
Whatthefucknameisntalreadytake · 28/07/2017 19:06

Please please stop assuming that because you walked into this job you will therefore walk into a similar job in three years time.
The job market is ever more competitive and you will have a big gap in your cv plus you will probably be limited to applying for part time stuff.
You can't guarantee that you will walk into the same role and even if you did you would be three years behind in terms of skills and salary.
You've already said that if you pay half the childcare it wouldn't wipe out your whole salary so stop pretending it would and start being honest about the fact that you just don't like working and would rather rely on benefits to top up your husbands income instead of you topping it up by working.

Original poster
YouAreMySunshine9 · 28/07/2017 19:09

You've already said that if you pay half the childcare it wouldn't wipe out your whole salary so stop pretending it would and start being honest about the fact that you just don't like working and would rather rely on benefits to top up your husbands income instead of you topping it up by working

But regardless if it eats my whole income or part of mine, part of DH's - It's still having the same negative financial impact Confused That's why I don't get how you can accuse me of 'pretending' it'd wipe out my salary

The bills all come out of the same account!

OP posts:
Alittlepotofrosie · 28/07/2017 19:12

So many judgemental pricks on this thread. Basically only independently wealthy women can have a baby. Otherwise you are leeching off either your husband or the state. Meanwhile, back in the real world...

Riversleep · 28/07/2017 19:13

OP you say your job is fairly easy to get back into but what qualifications do you have already? As Groupie says, even basic admin jobs are starting to need more qualifications. I work with apprentices at our local hospital. They are the lowest level of admin staff and they are being put through their Level 2 Business Admin qualification and need at least a Level 1 qualification in English, Maths and ICT. To progress, they are going to need a level 2 (GCSE Equivalent) in at least English and Maths.

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