To think nursery isn't *better* for children?

[Anon8604]

I'm part of an NCT group, all of the babies are around a year old. Parents have made a variety of decisions about work and childcare, some back to work full time, some part time and some not returning to work. The babies whose parents are working are all in nursery for between 3 and 5 days a week.

Lately there have been lots of conversations about how the babies are getting on at nursery. Obviously it's great that they are mostly settling in well, but I've felt like some of the comments have bordered on implying that nursery is better than staying at home. FWIW, I think different choices work for different families, not that one is better than the other.

The comments have been stuff like:

"She does so many activities at nursery, way more than you could ever do at home. It's really good for her development, I think she'd miss out on stuff if I kept her at home."

"It's better for them to socialise at an early age. You could always tell the school kids who didn't go to nursery cause they'd stand around at break times on their own."

"Her language is streets ahead compared to a couple of months ago, there's no way she'd have come on so much without nursery."

"It's really hard settling them in, but having an example of a working mum is worth it. I want them to know you have to work for things in life."

AIBU to think they're being a bit judgemental about the people who've chosen to stay home? I feel like if someone said something comparable about staying at home (like they think their child does better with one to one attention or something) then it'd be seen as judging those who are choosing to use a nursery, but somehow criticising people who aren't using nursery seems to be more acceptable?

That study ^^ is complete nonsense - look at the periodical it was published in to see if there could be an agenda. Furthermore, it was performed in Germany, where cultural norms will be different so can't just be applied to the UK. It also deems 'better' as being able to use scissors at a younger age. A great determinant of how a child will turn out . Finally (though I could go on), it states that's what important is reading stories, interactions etc. - something I'm fairly sure a SAHP can do, and on a more 1-1 basis than a nursery!

Can't stand these articles being presented as conclusive research of an outcome, when they're anything but.

We sent our 2 year old to nursery for 3 mornings per week for what we thought was her benefit. We didn't need to as my DH is stay at home dad (also have DS who's 1) but we thought it would be good for her to socialise. DH used to take her and pick her up and although she didn't seem to hate it, she didn't really seem that keen either and was never excited to tell us what she'd been up to. I decided I wanted to take her/pick her up myself for a few days so I could get a glimpse at the environment she was in. (We did check out the nursery first and actually picked it as the best from 7 we had viewed) First time I walked in to drop her off I could sense the change in her. From confident, happy little girl to withdrawn and overwhelmed. Picking her up was even worse. I'd walk in and see my little baby girl sat on her own looking totally emotionally exhausted. The relief when I picked her up and gave her a cuddle was so clear. After a few days of this, and asking DD, we agreed not to send her back to nursery. We could have persisted and I'm sure she eventually 'would have got used to it'. But in my opinion it would have changed who she is and forced her to develop into those unfamiliar surroundings. She's now nearly 3 and is completely herself. Emotionally she is calmer and actually less clingy to me and DH. Totally agree that it's different for each family, but for me I am 100% confident that home is best for my DD.

The obsession of getting children to do things earlier baffles me.
But kids who do things earlier don't always do so because their parents are obsessed with them doing so. It's like any statistics in life, there will be people at each end of the sprectum, and so naturally.

DD wasn't a genius, but I was told my the Nursery Manager that DD was very advanced and at just turned 4, starting to read on her own, so she asked me if I'd minded starting some sessions with her because DD seemed kin. DD did do everything early except for talking! She continued to do so. It was nothing to do with me being obsessed about her achievements.

Yes, I am massively proud when DD gets top grades and want to share it, but I also share the excitement of parents who say how proud they are of their kids doing things that my kids are rubbish at.

The 'research' about nurseries draws different conclusions depending on all sorts of factors such as cultural bias, stakeholder bias, size of the cohort being researched... I could go on

I wouldn't bother with it- visit nurseries yourself, drop in at odd times and finally, test it out with your own, unique child to see how they manage it.

I'm just very relieved that all 3 of my children thrived in their childcare settings because if they hadn't, either dh or me wouldn't be in the position we are 20 years later in our work lives. Not saying it would have been awful; one of us could happily have stayed home if we'd needed to, but reading some of these experiences I'm glad we never had to make that compromise

I went to play group/ day care it was called when i was little and I'm still not really much of a people person but all I think is if a child is healthy and happy either way people shouldn't feel guilty or be made to feel guilty about either decision. There's all different reasons for doing either going back to work or not every child is different the same as every adult is. Some women have to work cos they have no choice and not enough money if they don't they shouldn't be made to feel guilty about having to go to work but stay at home mum's shouldn't either as we all know raising a child is a job in itself and well done to all mum's out there.

Firstly what is an NCT group?

Secondly, there was research published last week stating that nursery is in fact better for children.

Fwiw, I personally feel kids are better off at nursery. Unless they're a particularly clingy child.

My dss' school, where I am a governor, has noted a trend towards increasing numbers of children starting reception each year with delayed speech and language, and social/emotional/behavioural issues over the last 10 years. This is not linked to specific nurseries or SAHMs, in fact it's an increase across the board, from families of all socio-economic backgrounds who have used all types of childcare (although it is in a fairly affluent area with high house prices, so very low unemployment and lots of good nurseries available). They comment anecdotally, though, that it coincides with an increasing trend for parents to be glued to their phones when they pick up their kids, rather than hugging them and asking them about their day. Whatever the cause, children are not starting school more ready than they used to be in the past - the general trend is in the other direction. It would be nice to have an idea of why that is not blatantly subjective.

Depends on what you can offer them at home....and which environment best suits your child to encourage and support their individual development

It's personal choice, my boss is the only one of her nct group to have a nanny. I babysit for 3 of them sometimes in evenings and one is a stay at home Mum. One sends her child to a childminder and the other l nursery. All 4 children my charge included are happy well developing children..

Parents need to stop judging each other!!!!

I was that working mum who said all of those things. Wanna know why i said all of those things? Not to shame SAHM. But because I was feeling an overwhelming sense of guilt, feeling judged by the other mums (and other people in general) and feeling the need to constantly justify why i put my little cherub into nursry from 7am-6pm 5 days a week.

Ugh this thread really has something to make anyone feel shit doesn't it, really covers all bases in the mum guilt spectrum.

I personally feel that babies and toddlers are better off being cared for by a parent unless the parent isn't up to the job. I also think preschoolers should only be part time.

YY to "camps" mentality! I know I felt like this was true when DS was little :( It really blocked me from actually seeing any middle ground because I assumed that if anyone mentioned something I even slightly related to "the other camp" that they would have such a different attitude/understanding of the situation that their advice wouldn't be any use to me. I also felt like they would be totally anti "my way". So damaging and I think it genuinely did cause problems for us. Looking back it's absolutely nuts but I genuinely felt that was a thing.

You can also see it happening in this thread.

Thankfully it seems to abate when DC get a bit older or when you have more than one, it seems most prevalent in parents of single children under 4 years.

Bubble squirrel couldn't have said it better!

There is no right or wrong here. It's down to what works for your family and child. You know that as you said it.

I'm sure the nct friends are just talking about the benefits of their choice as it's quite a new thing for them and they and their child will be adjusting. I found it very hard going back to work and sometimes thinking of these things was the only way I could cope with the separation.

I've also had periods staying at home and felt I wasn't doing enough especially when I so bored at times. Clearly just a guilt ridden mother either way. This has nothing to do with judging you.

Even if it was - who cares - it's your choice to stay at home and I'm sure you are a fantastic mother and there will be just as many benefits that will come in different ways. All the kids would be fine. Also if you personally love being at home with them then what does it really matter? How lovely that you can be. Enjoy it and don't feel bad. It will go by quicker than you think!

Giggling at the idea that it's only ok to venture a RL view one way or the other, and I note that both SAHPs and WOHPs have claimed as such on this thread. Out there in the real world, there's plenty of people making judgy comments about both. If you've only ever come across one criticism being 'ok' to make, you clearly don't know a sufficiently diverse variety of dickheads!

PT here, so a foot in both camps.

It is "better" for some children and their families. It is not "better" for others. Thinking it's better for their child does not mean they're feeling guilty and trying to make themselves feel better. SAHPs can be judgmental as hell, as can working parents. Most of the studies into the issue are flawed. Basically, everyone needs to get over themselves.

I've felt like some of the comments have bordered on implying that nursery is better than staying at home

So you are saying no-one actually said this at all, and you're just setting up a straw man to have a barney about?

For MY CHILD, nursery (mornings only)is better than staying at home all day. I neither know nor care if it is better or worse or indifferent for your child. I am allowed to say this out loud, whether you like it or not.

Baby groups are full of people who don't want you to ever say a word in case it might make them feel bad! My choices are nothing to do with you, if you feel bad about yours that is your own affair!

Goodness. I remember now why I avoid those kind of groups like the plague. I agree it's probably a first time mum thing. Some conversations seem to happen wherever you are, stuck in their own grooves!
There will be more tedious justification of things we either do or don't do as they all get older - iPad use, private school, grandparents taking children for 2 weeks, it will go on and on. You need to develop some foolproof techniques to quickly get away from all such conversations and quietly get on with doing whatever is the best for your family.

Im a sahm, I'm not horrified by any of the above.

"Goodness. I remember now why I avoid those kind of groups like the plague. I agree it's probably a first time mum thing. Some conversations seem to happen wherever you are, stuck in their own grooves!
There will be more tedious justification of things we either do or don't do as they all get older - iPad use, private school, grandparents taking children for 2 weeks, it will go on and on. You need to develop some foolproof techniques to quickly get away from all such conversations and quietly get on with doing whatever is the best for your family."

Completely agree - but if you are a first time mum then you may not realise.!!
Its a learning curve. People are finding their feet. Hindsight is a wonderful thing!!

12 month olds don't need to 'socialise' with other babies in order to develop.

Comments about how utterly fantastic nursery is are probably fuelled by guilt over leaving them. It's not better than being with their main caregiver at that age.

bubble totally agree! If I were in a sensitive mood some of these comments would really bother me.

A mother's place is in the wrong, eh? No matter what you do someone out there will always be very happy to judge you for it

Oh and also agree with the PP who said that whoever thinks only SAHMs or only WOHMs get judged doesn't know a sufficient variety of dickheads!

Agree 12 month olds do not need to socialise. It isn't until they are about 3 that children properly play together anyway. Before then they are really playing side by side.